Fed up of hearing "Daddy has taken all the money"!!!

[Elizawho36]

5 years into our relationship and yet it's becoming a regular thing DSD 10 keeps repeating, and I've had enough. I'd like to point out quickly that my frustration is not at DSD, as it's obvious it's something she has heard her Mum say.

My partner pays £525 a month, after school club, breakfast clubs on his contact time (equates to 35% I think plus half school hols). DSD has a few extra sets of school uniforms at ours too which he obviously paid for. For background the marital home was left to ex (he doesn't have a stake in it once DSD reaches adulthood), the car. Plus ex had a family bereavement before their divorce was finalised too which left her over 100k lump sum too. He basically wanted out with no financial ties & keeping his pension was important to him. Ex works 3 days a week, multiple holidays a year (without DSD I might add), plastic surgery, brand new German car etc etc.

I don't care what lifestyle she chooses to lead or what she spends on her money on, but my God then hearing DSD say stuff like 'Daddy took all the money' drives me bonkers! We were in rented for 3 years without any social life frantically saving for a deposit on a home together before interest rates rose, and the 3 of us went on our first holiday together after 3 years this year. My partner makes good money yes, but when you effectively start over that money drains quickly and I think the ex forgets this when she makes these remarks to DSD. I just bite my tongue and try not to roll my eyes but I'm finding it increasingly hard! It's just so far from the truth and I want it to stop.

Not sure why I'm posting, maybe to rant but any advice would be great. Do we subtly say anything to DSD that it's simply not true? Currently we ignore it but it's like it's being said EVERY time DSD is over now...

So he gave her half the equity so about £120k and a car. I guess it depends what his pension was worth weather he “took all the money” or not.

My DH middle child kept saying things like this for years. My DH would keep it light and would say that’s not true, I wouldn’t leave your mum to do this on her own etc. Lots of reassurance.

It did unfortunately escalate as the ex started stirring the pot more, but as he’s now nearly an adult, my DH showed him exactly how much he sends their Mum per month. Little bit tacky, but the ex was sadly telling the kids that he didn’t contribute at all and it was causing resentment from his kids.

I would say it’s down to her dad to explain things to her. I can see why it would be grating for you to hear this, but it’s important that you keep a good relationship with your step child, and that means biting your tongue when this happens and passing it to your partner to handle.

Dads don’t need their partner to defend or protect them from their own kids, even if your heart is in the right place, that could create a lot of problems.

Having honest conversations help children make sense of things, obviously age appropriate, but it’s down to your partner to explain how things worked out, and also to allow his daughter to ask questions so things make sense from her point of view.

It’s so important that this child learns about tackling things with honesty and attempting to understand the nuance of the situation will help her build a more accurate picture.

Step daughter will pick up on how you feel about her mum, so try and wish the ex all the best on the inside, if you can and it will save the ripples of distrust beneath the surface. A daughter is always going to be loyal to her mum and will not react well to her mum being regarded as a high feluting heiress who did a number on Daddy.

I would imagine that an email will add fuel to a fire

if DSD says
daddy took all the money

just say

there are always 2 sides and you don’t need to be concerning yourself with either side

its the truth, it’s simple and clearly not involving her in an adult divorce

You've no idea that is the case though...the £100k inheritance is irrelevant to the divorce settlement....

If he's paying £500 a month for one child the OPs partner obviously earns a decent amount

There may be been little to no equity in the house and he's walked away with ALL his pension which could be worth hundreds of thousands

So I doubt he is hard done by

If dsd asks what do you mean about two sides to a story

jyst explain that history always has variations depending on who is writing the story, neither is wrong - just seen and written from different memories and how they saw it

I'd explain it to her - when couples split up they/a judge (however it happened in your case) decide who gets what. We all decided it was best for you and mummy to stay in the house and daddy gives mummy some money every month to help buy your food and clothes.

@Elizawho36 i am going to make a suggestion which doesn’t answer your question in the short term as other have done this.

10 is an ideal age to start to teach DC about money and finances. It should be a long term approach so at 18 when they are about to go to Uni they have a good grasp of the basics of managing money, mortgages, savings, pensions, APR etc.

MoneyHelper has guidance for 9-12 year olds (and other age ranges) https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/how-to-talk-to-your-children-about-money-age-9-12

MoneySavingExpert has developed a book for 14+ https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2021/10/first-ever-financial-education-textbook-arrives-in-welsh-schools/

I also think, depending on your financial position, giving DC pocket money which is also used to cover non-discretionary spending e.g. bus fares. Then increasing as they grow to include clothes, toiletries etc. teaches them to budget.

As part of talking about budgeting you can talk about how you and DH have to budget e.g. food, school uniform but over time talking about aspects of the divorce e.g. mortgages will slowly start to register that mum may not be being 100% accurate without stating the obvious.

what money did he apparently take-shes clearly feeding her bullshit

How can you say this?!!!! He's done everything he should have done.

OP I think this needs honesty with DSD as she becomes age & stage appropriate. My DSister went through all of this: BIL's ex-wife cheated, he left her the house, car, every extra penny he had (including spousal maintenance) so he'd keep his pension- she still went after it. She constantly used his children against him- refused to let him collect them/ changed arrangements at the last second, all because he'd met my sister 6 months after he moved out. He was so skint my sister paid for kids ' treats/ holidays.

Many years later (20) it was discovered that she'd told the children he cancelled on them, often didn't want to see them & the split was because my sister was the OW. It has really affected his relationship with his eldest, who believed his mother & still struggles to accept his dad's truth. Thankfully his youngest has dealt with it differently. OP, please make SURE DSD understands as she gets older.

So there was £235k equity in the house. How much was in the pension pot he was so keen to keep?

I wonder if DSD is asking her mum to buy her things and she is being told "no, we cant afford it" followed up with "Because daddy took all the money" and that is why she keeps saying it?
I dont know, just a thought i had reading this.

I would imagine if she’s started saying it more often that would mean that she’s trying to perhaps start a conversation about it. I would try not to be sucked into rights and wrongs but I would acknowledge the statement and questions. I.e

“what makes you say that daddy took all the money? (She will have to say ex told her that)”

”oh well that’s not quite true, daddy gives her money every month. I wonder why she says that, is she struggling for money? (Hopefully dsd would realise that actually no, ex isn’t struggling)

i think kids should be told the truth in an age appropriate way but without all the emotions and frustrations

Your DH should tell her the basic truth: when a couple separates then the money has to be split up between them and most people use lawyers/mediators to help them decide how to split it fairly. If they can’t agree, a judge decides. He and her mother used a lawyer/mediator or whatever the case may be.

I have this the other way around.

Always telling kids he can't afford basics because he has to give all his money to me. I just say well maybe that's dad's opinion but it's not mine. But then I have to admit to the odd comment slipping through when they say daddy just bought / did whatever it was for himself I say something like "oh that's nice I guess he's got a bit more money now because that's expensive. Lucky dad I'd love to do that too" always with a tone of voice that I'm happy or their dad. I never directly point out he's talking shit or that he has much more disposable money than us but as the kids are growing up and seeing the fucking obvious differences in lifestyle I hope they will realise their dad is a lying shit. He doesn't spend money on them because he spends it on himself and that's very obvious when you are not a young child. I won't however ever outright tell them their dad is lying as slagging off their other parent that they love makes are vs him issue with the kids in the middle. I always just call it a different opinion. I have no doubt as time goes on they will see it for themselves

How much did he keep in his pension?

I think it would be okay for your partner (best coming from him not you) to very gently challenge this view with DD. Not to get one over on the ex, but so that she grows up with access to truthful information about the split. Especially if she has been given the message that her dad doesn't want to pay for her needs, then that could be harmful to her self esteem and her relationship with her dad.

Do let DSD understand the real position once she is older . We had similar and DSD was gobsmacked when she received the same amount as the CMS as her ‘keep’ at University . She was completely unaware ( and still is I think ) of CMS paid over the years and the house ( mortgage free) and car that was just handed over .

The trouble is the child may well develop a resentment against her dad if the situation is allowed to continue without either an explanation or a word with her mum.

Lol, what a ridiculous post. And others who say the ex got lucky. How on Earth do you know that from the op 😂? There aren't any numbers there!! Maybe the pension is worth far more than the house?!? Only the op knows that, not some of the responses who have just made stuff up.

Asset split aside, cos we don't know, and anyway, a ten year old doesn't need to know that either, I'd say a simple 'that's not true darling, don't worry, daddy contributes for you.'

Just say to her that when she grows up she must make sure that she:

• has her own career, earnings and pension
• ensure she chooses a man that shares the load especially around children
• if she does spit up after children she makes sure the father does 50% of everything

Obviously don't say it right now but when she's a bit older

@Elizawho36 totally reasonable to rant and I can totally see why it’s annoying, from what you’ve described it does seem like he is completely blameless in this dynamic. I would strongly advise against weighing in, or even passively rolling eyes or sighing at DSD. Best case scenario she realises her mother is not a very good person, and her father is better, she could probably do without that even if it is the truth. I can’t see a scenario where you look good to her or her mother in all this and that may become the more painful burden in time.
Sorry to be blunt, but your husband is a grown up, he can take care of his own relationships with his daughter and ex. What i mean to say is, it’s not in your control. No doubt he has complex feelings about it all and may have good reason not to undermine his ex to their daughter. If it upsets you, maybe discuss it with him and tell him as much? If it’s not your feelings but his feelings your worried about- let him fend for himself, nothing is more frustrating imho than having a “lawyer” advocate on someone else’s behalf.

I'm not sure on the exact figures but it's nothing like some posters seem to be imagining in their heads!

He earns a decent salary, above average but it's nothing crazy like 6 figures and he pays around 7% I think. It was more the thought of still having a financial tie to her 30 years later...I'm sure she has a pension too but he told me she was after half of it at the time lol

It’s perfectly standard in divorce for the pension to be part of the financial split. In some cases it’s more valuable than a house.

If the house is worth £300k now and there was 65k on it when he left then if he retained 100% of his pension (as an above average earner, him contributing 7% plus employer contributions) it sounds as though it’s possible he had the better deal.

I put 7% into my pension from 25. Now, in my 40s, I have 500k. If I was a shitty person I would 100% give my ex a heavily mortgaged house and 500/mth to keep my pension.