Your biggest bugbear about being a stepmum?

[allhallow]

Mine is the fact he can have little complaints about his kids but if I mention anything it's 'omg you hate my kids'
Prime example yesterday his kids took his charger out of our bedroom and he came in ready for bed and about to put his phone on... "bloody kids have taken my charger" I said nothing.
Today one of them spilt hot chocolate all over the upstairs carpet (I've asked for only water upstairs and request is ignored)
When they left I said "that carpet is ruined"
He turns on me with the whole, she's only a child, what do you expect from an 8 year old Bla bla bla. Are we to just sit and never complain even when bio parents complain away, so frustrating
How do I explain to my DH that I can have and voice grievances without him getting defensive

It’s always been that way, the difference is now I don’t have it every weekend! It’s not nice having someone in your life who just fundamentally doesn’t like you. DH doesn’t want to believe it a lot if the time and tries to tell me she does love me but we both know it’s not true! But I can’t change it and it’s worth it for everything else I have gained since marrying DH, a good marriage and lovely DCs. I hope things with your SD improve, there’s every chance they will.

@Fionaoffeltrinelli Thank you.. My DH definitely does something similar and will always tell me not to worry, that she loves me, loves coming to see us etc: but I am not sure if it's me imagining it or if he's just trying to make me feel better. I think only time will tell!

That's not being a step mother. It's being married to a dickhead.

Woah. Sweeping statement there love. Don't think you can make that judgement based on the little information you have read above.

The passive aggressive comments from their mother that they repeat... "It's just because you're posh" being the current favourite

And the suggestions that come from mum about what we can do on our weekends... "I told the girls that you could go to X place this weekend." Erm, no. Because that will cost over £100 and frankly we haven't got that kind of money and we already have plans. If you want to do that, you take them. But somehow that makes us the bad guys in the kids eyes, despite the fact they do fuck all with their mother on her weekends.

Grrrrr. Thanks, I needed to get that off my chest

@FortheBeautyoftheEarth "Woah. Sweeping statement there love. Don't think you can make that judgement based on the little information you have read above."

<shrugs> I'm too old to waste time beating about the bush.

My voice is never heard. The kids can say what they want about me via phone and text message but there’s no way I get to refute any of what they’re saying. The way I think I’m building a good relationship with DSS but then find out he’s going home and slagging me off. I can deal
with DSD slagging me off but it cut deep to know that DSS was doing it too 😢 The way I feel I’m walking on eggshells in my own home when he’s around (DSD doesn’t come anymore)

Side note- The ex hates me and makes up lies about me and I feel her presence within my otherwise lovely marriage.

The expectations of other adults who have made it a heck of a lot more difficult than it needed to be. I’m to love them like my own but I also need to stay in my lane, spend my money on them, be prepared to be free childcare / taxi service as and when required and include them in EVERYTHING but don’t ever think to express an opinion or dare to discipline them.
Also there’s no other situation I can think of where you have to tolerate a person who disrespects you and your home, steals from
you, makes it clear they detest you and resents the fact you’re married to their Dad and all the time you have to be happy to see them and welcome them into your home.

So many things here are true. It’s such an awful
job being a step-mum, I genuinely loathe it. I’ve been with DH for 12 years now and it’s just as awful as day 1. When DH asks the kids what @CrazyHamsterLady has done wrong, all they say is ‘you know’ ‘I’m not saying’ ‘Not this again’ They NEVER have any examples and we’re both left stumped. Genuinely, if I’d done something then I’d work on it. But to be left in the dark probably because I haven’t done anything is just awful.

@CrazyHamsterLady Mobile phones definitely seem to have made things so much harder and in my case I feel they have given my dh's exw a lot of ways to weasel into my home in a very intrusive way. I'll never forget during the first lockdown when DSD was at our house, me and DH were both wfh and I found DSd on FaceTime call with her mum refilling through our wardrobe 😨 that was definitely amongst one of the lowest points to date!!!
Dh had a few 'big talks' with her around that time thank goodness which did help but I am still very conscious of how the phone can definitely be used in a way it wouldn't have been before. Can relate to so much of what you wrote.

@LemonLimeDivine I can't think of on either. And even though as a SM you can understand that it is not the dsc's fault, doesn't make it any easier!! You see people mention it in here, it automatically turns into "well you don't like your sc very much, it's not their fault!!' I want to say - no shit Sherlock Of course it's not their fault, it's manipulative bitter adults pulling their strings. When Sm'a mention the problems or that they are stressful/ upsetting, it's somehow assumed that you're just bitching about the child for the sake of it, rather than what the majority are actually saying which is - how the flip do we approach this situation?!

That’s dreadful, what an invasion of your privacy! We found DSS on FaceTime giving his mum a tour of our house which felt like enough of an invasion, it literally felt like she was in my safe space. I let DH deal with that one.

I've got to be honest and say my DH doesn't help because he is often too scared to confront this kind of stuff head on. It does appear that their marriage was one in which he was subjected to some pretty bonkers demands and he acquiesced out of fear.

I'll never forget when we were dating and he couldn't make a date cause of a family crisis. We hadn't been seeing me long and he was apologetic in such an unnecessary way - "I'm so so sorry, I don't normally do this honestly, I'm much more reliable, you must think I'm .... etc:I did think, bloody hell does this guy thing im some kind of an ogre? As I got to know him and saw some of his interactions with exw it became apparent why 😕 quite an emotionally abusive dynamic.

My biggest bug is a narcissistic self Centred bm who has alienated ss , and controlled our life. Even when we shut her down and out she still manages to both control us and make us look like bad people. For example we've recently lost a night with him, but the activity is in his best interests. No discussion about us taking him to said activity
We rarely take him on holiday, but that's because she's literally commandeered every single holiday before we even get a look in, again no discussion.
His little sibling misses him all the time, obviously bm doesn't give a hoot wouldn't enter her head

No input from me is ever heeded but am still expected to help pick up the pieces every single fucking time.

Not seen as family but not shy asking for favours like baby sitting which I would do and do do anyway as I love my granddaughter. Hard knowing if I split with my DH I just wouldn't be bothered with. I keep in touch with her mum anyway

This is an adult step child.

Having to put them first when I'm not biologically wired to do that, given I don't have my own DC.

@FortheBeautyoftheEarth I was very understanding when they were children. They didn’t ask for any of this. However not so much now they’re both young adults. I’ve largely disengaged and lost patience. I know how hard I’ve tried and how much effort I’ve put in. It is a thankless task.

As for mobile phones, yes they’ve caused a large amount of stress. FaceTiming their mum and showing her what’s going on in our house, taking photos of our calendar to show their mum what we have planned, and also posting photos of my young children to various social media platforms despite me
saying numerous times not to. Complete intrusion of privacy. 🤦‍♀️

@LemonLimeDivine Hey no judgement here whatsoever, disengaging is sometimes the only option left. I feel like with my own situation it could go either way. I really hope that all that more 'kind' values that we try and instil in SD pay off but I am pretty resigned to the fact that her mum will always monopolise her loyalty and therefore probably her attitude towards us/+outlook on life in general. It must be very demoralising when you know you've really tried. Being the step-parent always feels like swimming against the tide. You can be so careful about what you say and trying not to play into certain narratives, but there comes a point where you just have to let go.

My sdcs mum likes to video call them in my home, but doesn’t like to hear, or see, me or my children!

she makes constant comments about me and our home, and some of the things SDCs say when they’re here I know are them parroting her - they are all saying it in exactly the same ways, same words, phrases etc.

and then she gets annoyed that they are reluctant to come here because she doesn’t get time to herself - despite her being so negative about me and our house, and also telling them how lonely she is when they go - no wonder!

although it manifests in them in some annoying ways, I really don’t resent SDCs behaviour at all, I feel sorry for them - they are all very sensitive and emotional kids and very affected by their mums moods and behaviour.

she pisses me off because I never ever wanted to be trapped in the unreasonable ex wife cliche, I wanted to be better than that, but here we are. I spend so much time reflecting on and analysing her behaviour and my responses to try and make it less cliche but I can’t. I hate most her hypocrisy in acting like a martyred, self sacrificing mother whose kids are her world when she has done them the most damage in using them as a weapon. One year, because she was upset that DH and I attended a family event together - his family - with his DCs she lied to him about oldest SDD not having a birthday party - she was - and then when it happened told SDD her dad wasn’t there because he couldn’t be bothered to come. He found all this out and did stuff with her to make up for it. But no one will never be able to take away how SDD felt in that moment thinking her dad didn’t want to be there.

A DSS with a huge sense of entitlement because his mother has taught him such. DH Ex feeling entitled to our home for DSS solely when we have 5 children between us and it was my money that was deposited to buy it.

Being expected to parent without being allowed to tell DSS no. Being expected to spend my earnings on him, but only the expensive items DH Ex refuses to contribute to. Last time I checked I wasn't an ATM.

That we never ever get any time to ourselves. 18yo DS is constantly sat on the sofa with us.

Go out! Go see your friends!!

I love him, he's a great lad but OMG get a hobby 😂