Your biggest bugbear about being a stepmum?

[allhallow]

Mine is the fact he can have little complaints about his kids but if I mention anything it's 'omg you hate my kids'
Prime example yesterday his kids took his charger out of our bedroom and he came in ready for bed and about to put his phone on... "bloody kids have taken my charger" I said nothing.
Today one of them spilt hot chocolate all over the upstairs carpet (I've asked for only water upstairs and request is ignored)
When they left I said "that carpet is ruined"
He turns on me with the whole, she's only a child, what do you expect from an 8 year old Bla bla bla. Are we to just sit and never complain even when bio parents complain away, so frustrating
How do I explain to my DH that I can have and voice grievances without him getting defensive

That used to drive me nuts but DH is less defensive with it these days than he used to be so I feel I can say things now to him and them in a more natural way. I think it keeps tensions much lower when you can complain a bit (the way any parent does) without it being taken as meaning you hate them.

My biggest bugbear is that we can't live where we would want to live because we always need to be close to their mum (even though they only get supervised access with her and it is sporadic at best). I know it's the right thing for them but it's really frustrating as it limits us so much!

We've been married for 4 years, when does it get better, I literally can't let out a single complaint, I complain about our joint DC all the time, I complain about my mother, his mother, my sisters... its natural
Why is he so defensive when I complain about his kids, they can be annoying, his ex even got him to come over to "speak to his daughter about her behaviour" can you imagine if I suggested this.
I've mentioned my need to complain countless times but he doesn't get it, aaaarghhhh

That's shit you can't move away @Houseconundrum maybe when they are a bit older and can get themselves around better

Their mother and her inability to parent adequately is by far the biggest irritant.

We have them 50:50 and I genuinely believe it would be better for the children (and my sanity) if we had them full time.

@SemperIdem I honestly think 50:50 is a horrendous arrangement. We see the kids 50% of the days but never overnight (long story) it's so disruptive. I'd rather have them full time, be done with the guilt and the Disney dadding

Yes I hear you Op and actually in a real family, it's more realistic and likely that little things will sometimes cause friction - doesn't mean you don't love your family members. My dsd is lazy about putting wrappers in the bin, or clothes in the washing, no biggie and easily remedied with a reminder, but some days it does bug me. Does it mean I hate her? No way. I am fiercely protective of and extremely proud of my stepdaughter but some days I feel more irritated than others. In the same way I love my husband lots but sometimes he has habits that drive me crazy! I have learnt just to say things in a jokey way - that way I'm getting heard but hubby doesn't get defensive and dsd is more likely just to laugh and say sorry! I definitely agree that it's far from straightforward - people are always looking for signs that you 'hate' your stepchild or are against them in some way whereas with your own people would just be like " oh it's so hard mama, you're doing great!!" 😂

Meh, don't let him surpress perfectly valid feelings and comments. Call him out on it - he needs to get over himself. Take it from someone who has been there and come out the other side.

The 50/50 we do is the least disruptive of shares, we literally have DS alternate weeks. If DS had to go somewhere else every night though I'd think that too. Your version of 50/50 isn't typical.

As for things that piss me off with DSD - her bloody awful mother. She's a bully and a pathological liar. I would love for DSD to live with us full time and be rid of her.

I second making things a joke or more lighthearted. I know it feels like your repressing your own feelings sometimes though and honestly I have no advice for that, finding the balance is hard in blended families.

The fact the ex wife is still involved in our lives.

Ooh i think the Disney parenting. My dh's guilt meant that he has a fractured relationship with our daughter (with whom he lived for her whole childhood) and she knows this is why. His elder daughter doesn't speak to him because he wasn't a good enough parent in her opinion. So, in the end, he didn't please any of them. Disney parenting is a trainwreck in the making.

I understand the unwillingness to hear criticism (even though it's unfair), it's the same as not being able to criticise a partnership parents.

But yes, it's a tough situation.

I also hate when people say: you knew he had kids when you married him.

Yes I did and was excited and undaunted by the fact.

But I did not know how angry, bitter and dissatisfied his ex was or would continue to be and that it would always be a drama.

That they would never resolve their issues and that their daughter would pick up the baton from her mother eventually.

Nothing about any of the characters involved would have suggested this was on the horizon and I could not have guessed that grown ups who had willingly signed up to parenthood could behave so selfishly and badly wrt their child.

Should have invested in a crystal ball.

Some very well put comments here (sometimes the step mum threads are a bit mean for me).

I second the comments about the Mum/ ex especially the bit where we do all the grunt work, care , education etc and she gets to play the Disney mummy single mum martyr on her social media.
I know I shouldn't look or care but it's so odd that a total stranger has such control and influence over my life it's sort of obsessive.

Yeah the mother. She’s a destructive and nasty lazy cow. I hate how she can afford not to work due to the insane maintenance payments but I have to work full time ( I find the majority of our life and he funds hers …) I hate the nonsense she fills their heads with.

Both kids really played up at the wedding, then youngest in particular and I am finding it hard to get over that. ( it was DH that wanted a wedding with them there - I wanted to just get married on honeymoon - my kids wouldn’t have minded and also despite having significant anxiety ASD, behaved impeccably on the day)

Really though, it’s the amount of effort my DH makes for them when they really don’t care. That’s the worst bit. To watch him try so hard, for them to just complain / stare at their iPad all weekend and barely talk to him.

I tried telling them where the bear shits and I ended up feeling ganged up on and misunderstood in my own home. This way they still listen to me and we maintain harmony. It works for me and I don't feel repressed cause I can just call my mum or sis if I need to have a good rant!

DH and I had this conversation as he said I was always moaning about DSD and I pointed out that I need to be able to have a moan and that everyone moans about DC

My DH has got a lot better overtime, but I used to have to keep my mouth shut, otherwise he’d get so defensive. The middle child wouldn’t acknowledge my existence and would refer to me as ‘she’ but was more than happy to help himself to my things without asking, from taking my headphones, to logging me out of my own Netflix & Amazon Prime accounts and changing all the users to him, his siblings and their Mum 😂 The ex would happily be using my accounts, whilst slagging me off!

Things have vastly improved, he’s matured massively and a lot of the animosity came from his Mum telling him things. He’s an anxious person anyway and he was being told he wasn’t wanted at his Dads house etc.

I did completely underestimate the hostility and bitterness from their mother, despite the fact they divorced several years before I even met DH. I didn’t realise the lengths someone would go to punish an ex for moving on and the willingness to use their own children to do that.

@Chunkychips23 Oh the brazenness of it all!! I can relate to what you say. Why tell a child they aren't wanted in another home without proof?? It's the epitome of selfishness IMO because that person is putting their need to 'win' over the emotional well-being of their child. I have noticed that a lot of what my DSD gets anxious or upset about is driven by what she has been told, rather than what she is actually experiencing first hand. Her mum and gran who pretend or believe they have the child's happiness and well-being at heart, but if they just stopped saying unhelpful or divisive things, the child would be much happier!!! It's kind of like saying - " they're really upset." And then pushing them over so they cry and then going -"See!!"
I think this is why I prefer the every day bits of being a stepmum to Christmas and holidays etc cause the comments, the insecurity and the nonsense from her mum always ramp up in the lead up to this big days and occasions.

The fact their DM is their ‘friend’ so they have no rules, so all their awful behaviour comes from that.

Can relate to all of this.

@yogasaurus same!!

The money demands is one. DH's ex is currently demanding £700 for a school trip that she told SD she could go on without any discussion. We don't have that cash lying around and if we don't find it we will be the 'bad guys', she has been sending texts of sad faces emojis and saying about how ALL her friends are going and a crying face.

The other one is that I feel like I'm getting the consequences of the kids lazy and unorganised behaviour. For example, Sunday DH asks kids if they have everything they need to go to their Mum's, stuff for school etc. he even lists off stuff they need to make sure, SD13 says yes to all. Then Monday morning at 7am he gets a text from SD saying she left something at ours and he needs to take it to her before school/work. He agrees, but this means he leaves our house earlier than normal, which means that he doesn't do his 'jobs' (only small things like making the bed, sticking a wash load on etc.) in the morning like he normally would because he needs to get to ex's in time before SD goes to school. So I'm either left with the stuff he needs to do, or I leave it for him to do when he's home, but then it delays the plans we have that evening. So I do his 'jobs', but it has doubled my work load that morning because I don't want to miss out that evening and don't want to live in a shit hole!!

It probably sounds petty but it's just one of many examples and it's happening several times a week. We did have a chat about it last night and to be fair DH is putting his foot down going forward, but it was shit that we had to have a chat about it and again, I felt like I was being the 'bad guy' by having to bring it up and say that it wasn't fair on me.

This last paragraph really resonated with me, every word is so true.

It's more a personality of the biological parent issue. Dp is the first to back me up with dsd, in fact he's surprised I don't moan more

I've been with my partner nearly 5 years now and DSD is nearing 10. We are getting married next year, and I very thankful that in all honesty it's been smooth sailing (touch wood!). DSD is great, and has never been hostile towards me and my partner is a great Dad (even though his ex still shames him all over social media) 6 years on. I worried as DSD got older if the dynamics would change (I don't have kids myself) but actually she's been asking to spend more 1 on 1 time with me lately to go shopping and do make-up etc which is lovely. Partner has always had my back too and been transparent with any communication etc he's had with his ex (although this is hardly anything due to being hounded in the past by her). It's become quite obvious that my partner & his ex are very different people, and I think this is what I (we) find hardest, as DSD does not have the same boundaries/rules at her Mum's house as she does with us.

It sound so cliché but the main bugbear is definitely having an awkward & controlling ex wife constantly (trying) to be in the background. She's stalked my social media and dramatized things to DSD, slags him off at every opportunity, tried to befriend all his friends & work friends, & has even been taken to court for creating hate accounts on social media! Yet still tries to play the victim in literally anything she does.

We both thought she would have moved on by now and got on with her life, but no.

I’m not a stepmum anymore. But when I was in the throes of being one, my biggest bug bear was a collection of adults who made being a stepmum really difficult to enjoy.

SD an adult now so don’t see her much as she lives quite far away, but for me it’s the fact I have to permanently live with someone in my life who adores her dad and younger siblings but treats me with thinly veiled contempt. DH and I have been together 20 years and despite years of trying with her she has always treated me as a second class citizen. Whether it’s snubs like refusing to eat food I’ve prepared, asking for receipts for gifts I’ve bought her so she can return them, leaving WhatsApp’s unread, her behaviour to me has always been unpleasant. DH has tried to address it but we’ve both accepted that’s the way things are. All stems from her mum who has encouraged the behaviour. Thankfully we don’t see her often but I wish she wasn’t in my life at all, I know I don’t deserve to be spoken to or treated the way she treats me but have long accepted it won’t change now.

That sounds hard @Fionaoffeltrinelli
Has it got worse as she's got older or has it always been like this? I have a sd who is 11 and sometimes I feel like she is behaving off with me and then other times she is ok - feel like she blows hot and cold. I sometimes wonder how it will all pan out.