Step son refusing to come home

[Han2873]

Could do with some advice regarding stepson, he’s lived 50/50 with us for around 7/8 years and has recently turned 14.
we’ve never had any issues with him but recently he’s started telling lies, nothing huge just stupid things but tells me one thing and dad another which can cause conflict sometimes as it can be confusing when I think something but dad thinks something else.

anyway around 3 weeks ago he didn’t go his jobs and was told he couldn’t go out, he went out anyway and sent a message basically telling us he was going out. He’s been sent a text message telling him to come home and that was it.
this has caused uproar with mum who’s he’s obviously rang and told an elaborate story of what’s happened.
myself and dad have spoken to his mum and outlined what’s happened and everyone has agreed that stepson is in the wrong.

but now stepson is saying he’s too upset to come home and has basically been shouting/swearing at dad over the phone.
we’re going on holiday in 2 weeks with our other children including a newborn and I’m a little concerned if he is refusing to come home and then comes on holiday he is going to cause issues as this is unresolved. We’re not going anywhere he could get a flight home in his own, it’s a 7 hour flight and we’re going for two weeks. I feel very torn and upset about this whole situation

Comment to try and bump x

I take it he’s staying at his mums full time?

does he still want to come on holiday with you?

Yes and we have no idea he isn’t speaking to me or dad.
dad has rang him and asked if he wants to come home if there’s any reason he doesn’t want to return home and he’s said he feels uncomfortable now. But to me it feels like he’s done something wrong and he doesn’t want a punishment so is acting out

At 14 he is old enough to catch a 7 hour flight home.
it’s likely he needs reassurance he is still important now you have a new baby

@ittakes2 I think it has to be judged from knowing the child, he isn’t able to take a 7 hour flight plus a 3 hour transfer in a foreign country in his own.
he gets lots of reassurance and spends one on one time with dad doing a hobby they both enjoy

Don't take him. Don't let him ruin the holiday for everyone else.

@CwmYoy I don’t want to just say right you’re not coming as it seems harsh but I can’t see what the other option is if nothing is resolved by time we go. We have young children and I don’t want them to be feeling uneasy on holiday if he starts being difficult

Why don’t you start by inviting him out for a Nando’s this weekend or something, take the pressure off.

@Billybagpuss we’ve tried this too with no luck. Might have to just wait for it to all calm down and accept the rubbish timing of it all

I imagine with a newborn he feels pushed out of the family.

As well, if all the adults around him are agreed he is In the wrong he is probably feeling upset and like no-one is in his side.

Teenagers do need to feel that they are liked by their parents.

If he's refusing to come home then he obviously feels unwanted and out of place.

I'd be really surprised if he comes on holiday with you.

@Octavia64 it’s a hard one because he has done wrong and unfortunately if he lived in one home and was told he couldn’t go out he wouldn’t have another parents house to go to to avoid going home.
it’s a very fine line between him feeling pushed out and us doing all we can to help him feel wanted and the start of him doing what he wants and playing the I feel uncomfortable now I’m in trouble card.

I don’t know if it’s any different as I don’t originally reside from the uk but as a teenager I was punished when I did wrong and that was the end of it.
this has literally stemmed from a text message that said ‘you need to come home you haven’t done your jobs’

What jobs were they?

@FrenchandSaunders not that it matters but just general bedroom tidying, putting his clothes away.
he was aware that this needed to be done before he went out.
the rules are the same at mums also it isn’t anything he isn’t used to

I can't see what you did wrong. It's reasonable to have expectations of jobs and it's reasonable to have a consequence if they aren't done.
Does he have similar jobs /rules at his mum's house? I mean, you and his dad should be free to decide the rules at your house but it would be interesting to know whether he refuses to do jobs when asked by mum

Sounds like typical 14 year old to me. Just wants to be left alone to listen to music znd see his friends. Id suggest don't poke the hornets nest. There will be plenty of drama between now and when he is grown up.
I had a new sibling when I was 15 and to be honest found it very disturbing. I didn't feel I belonged anywhere any more.

You'd leave your 14 year old behind because he might ruin your holiday? What responsible parenting from a supposed parent.

@WrongSwanson he does have the same rules at mums this is why I’m confused as to why it’s turned into this huge ordeal

If as a teenager you were punished when you did wrong and that was the end of it then I think you were quite a compliant teenager.

My kids are now 22. There were plenty of times where they were told they couldn't do something and then they went ahead and did it anyway. Obviously there was a row when they got back in, but most teenagers go through a stage where they are not obedient and compliant.

In other words he'd still be behaving like this if he didn't have his mum's house to go to, you'd just be getting more stand up shouting matches instead.

Also, I'd not call failing to do his chores doing wrong. Doing wrong is actively doing something bad, not failing to meet your/adult tidiness expectations.

Why are so many jumping to the conclusion that he feels pushed out of the family? Lordy, the projection, when it seems to have nothing to do with the situation.

We know: ss has a home with Dad. He and Dad do a hobby together and spend time together. He has jobs around the house. Parents and step parent care about his behaviour and whereabouts. He's been included on family holiday.

It's just as OP reported: he didn't like the discipline at Dad's house, so buggered off back to Mum. Pretty much every teen ever would flounce on occasion if they had somewhere to flounce to.

Dad, Mum and their ds need to sit down together and hash this out. If he has flounced to Mum, he will likely flounce to Dad in the future. The parents need to agree a plan for parenting their teen.

He doesn't feel pushed out. He realises that he has options.

@SpareHeirOverThere thankyou for that I’m glad someone can see where I’m coming from, he has come to ours before when things have happened with his mum but on the day he’s due to return to mums we have ensured he’s gone back.

my concern here is that he has learned he has options and we are all being played in the process. Mum is basically saying that son and dad can sort this themselves and he will return when he wants to but this isnt resolving any issues or the fact we go away in 2 weeks.
I don’t want this disagreement to be brought up and hashed out on a holiday where we’re all in one room with 3 other small children

I guess it depends if this is the hill you and DH want to died on. Was it really that big a deal? Did he ask for anything unreasonable? What was the reason he was made to stay in? What were his jobs?

It comes down to a sense of shame and a sense of trust. You and DH told on him to Mum rather than just dealing with the situation. You shamed him to his Mum. He probably though at most he would get grounded for a couple of days and that you were being unreasonable. Now it has escalated beyond repair - in him mind currently.

I suggest DH reaches out to him alone and tells him how much he wants him to come back and to go on the holiday. How he is important and that he regrets how massive an issue it has become.

Don't let him get a whiff of you want to ditch him for the holiday because that is not the answer unless indeed you do want this to play out.

@Acornsoup we didn’t tell mum, he rang mum after he was sent a text to come home. He’s told a different story to what’s happened and mum has rang dad going mad saying we’ve upset him.
we’ve then discussed what’s happened with mum to clear things up.

this didn’t get cleared up for a few days as mum wasn’t willing to listen to the explanation at first. In this time he’s gone to mums and has chose not to come back. Please read my post before you assume things

If Mum is going to provide 'safe haven' from consequences (until she has to enact some consequences herself), then this is going to be a rough few years.

For the holiday, if ss won't talk to Dad or come home, there's really no choice: he doesn't go on the holiday as he is not there to get to the airport with you.

That's a bad outcome, as it underlines the conditional nature of home/family life with Dad. If he was your ds rather than ss, he'd come on holiday regardless as you would have nowhere else for him to be.

Going on holiday with an emotional teen who makes things difficult is just normality for many families. You should expect that sort of holiday. I do hope you haven't booked so that he is sharing one big room with you all.

Just be careful not to hope for that outcome (that ds stays home). It's too bad that he's allowed to opt out of Dad's home, but careful you don't fall into the trap of seeing ds as optional.

if Mum is going to provide 'safe haven' from consequences (until she has to enact some consequences herself), then this is going to be a rough few years.

This. I'd ask her what she plans to do when he flounces from her house back to yours. Letting a teen ricochet between houses whenever they don't like the rules seems like a disastrous set up

There is something else going on - not tidying his room - normal child behaviour is not enough to cause this reaction.

Mum is right- your DP and he have to sort it out - it is not her place to resove the argument between his other parent in another home.

He is safe and cared for - not in danger.

Have to say the thought of 3 small kids, 2 adults and a teenager in one room on holiday does not bode well for a harmonious 2 weeks!