Step son refusing to come home

[Han2873]

Could do with some advice regarding stepson, he’s lived 50/50 with us for around 7/8 years and has recently turned 14.
we’ve never had any issues with him but recently he’s started telling lies, nothing huge just stupid things but tells me one thing and dad another which can cause conflict sometimes as it can be confusing when I think something but dad thinks something else.

anyway around 3 weeks ago he didn’t go his jobs and was told he couldn’t go out, he went out anyway and sent a message basically telling us he was going out. He’s been sent a text message telling him to come home and that was it.
this has caused uproar with mum who’s he’s obviously rang and told an elaborate story of what’s happened.
myself and dad have spoken to his mum and outlined what’s happened and everyone has agreed that stepson is in the wrong.

but now stepson is saying he’s too upset to come home and has basically been shouting/swearing at dad over the phone.
we’re going on holiday in 2 weeks with our other children including a newborn and I’m a little concerned if he is refusing to come home and then comes on holiday he is going to cause issues as this is unresolved. We’re not going anywhere he could get a flight home in his own, it’s a 7 hour flight and we’re going for two weeks. I feel very torn and upset about this whole situation

Is this a one-off and he’s feeling awkward, or is he likely to sulk and flounce throughout your holiday?

Two weeks in a single room with a teenager and three small children sounds hellish anyway, maybe he doesn’t even want to go?

Don't take him. We left my 2 SSs at home this year because of their behaviour. I felt a bit guilty but they were warned and they brought it on themselves.

We have similar issues where DH will pull them up for things and they storm off to mum's in the huff and we don't see them for weeks. DSS15 only visits for birthdays and Xmas because he's too busy out with his friends or girlfriend of the month. DH pulled him up and said he only makes an effort when he's getting something. So from now on he'll not be getting expensive gifts when he makes zero effort to see his family. DH is not a cashpoint.

DSS16 was living with us mostly because his mum was going his head in (can see his point. She's a loonball). He left school and DH told him he needed to get a job. He's not allowed to sleep past 9am on weekdays and has to show DH evidence he's been job hunting. Why should we both be up early and out working all day while he lies in his bed? Left to his own devices he'd be up all night playing computer and sleeping till 4pm the next day. He's now gone to live with his grampa.

He's welcome back here at any point but the same rules apply. And he's not allowed his gf over until he's found a job.

His current living situation is purely his choice. We will not change our standards to suit him and his laziness. DH will not be used as a cash machine or gift shop.

At least you have the mum on side. That's half the battle.

I wonder if the idea of the holiday and the newborn is just too much. At 14 he needs privacy and teens need sleep. The jobs was just the catalyst.

Regardless of where you were brought up he is a product of his environment. So you can't really align your upbringing with his. It won't work

Him and his dad need to have a talk and figure out the next steps. There could be something else going on.

Maybe DH should say to his mum ‘Is he planning on coming on the holiday’ if he says no then there is your answer. If he says yes then say well you need to come home to sort this out.

I'd say he is 100% playing you now but in part he can't back down from his position - his ego probably won't allow it.

I'd ensure you don't 'beg' him but make a clear comms he needs to resume usual contact arrangements by next weekend in a civil manner (give him time to digest it) and be clear that if he doesn't do this you will assume he won't be coming on holiday with you.

Leave the ball in his court- he's got himself into something silly here and doesn't know how to break it.

He's also probably enjoying everyone running about trying to 'convince' him.

Prime attention- not necessarily a bad thing, maybe he needs it - something to think about later.

14 year olds 🙄 horrible!
Hormones raging, trying to be grown ups, kicking back against the rules, not doing what they're told, trying to set their own boundaries.
Add to this your dss has an alternative home to flounce off to. Nightmare.
Sounds like the original issue has now become a secondary issue.
The refusing to come home and the holiday is now more important than not doing his jobs, lying etc.
Personally, I'd draw a line under what caused the problem, he won't want to talk about it, it will be hanging over his head, he'll be dreading the confrontation as he's been caught out lying to his DM too, embarrassing.
I'd tell him "let's draw a line under what's happened, a clean slate, let's all go on holiday and enjoy ourselves"
Once you've been away you can address any issues as they arise going forward.
That's not to say I believe in letting DC get away with murder but sometimes it's better not to sweat the small stuff, he's a teenager and will eventually grow out it.
For now I'd concentrate on getting your relationship back on an even keel and enjoying your holiday, your DH can always have a conversation 1-2-1, man to man etc, treat dss like the grown up he desperately wants to be, not a bollocking but an honest and open conversation.
I'm speaking from experience of having teenagers.
Good luck

In the blink of an eye I would if he behaved in this way. You cannot allow a child to dictate how things are - that's why we are having such a crisis with young people's behaviour.

It's what happens often in split families and parents feel guilty and give in to ridiculous demands.

All of this. Yes he’s 14, yes he’s going to act out. The only difference is instead of having to come back and face the consequences, he can run somewhere else and avoid them. The problem then is a small issue becomes a big one.
Mum should have sent him home. Without you all on the one page he’s going to do this to both sides, and it’s not teaching him how to resolve things, a skill needed for life.
For now I would back right off, withdraw all attention. In a few days or a week his dad calls him, right are you ready to resolve this now. If he’s still ‘not comfortable’ then leave it another while. Make sure he knows he can come back at any time, but he still has to acknowledge his wrong and that he can’t behave that way. Don’t make his ‘out’ too difficult (quick apology, tidy his room, understanding that being a teen is difficult, all is forgotten), but also don’t start down a road where he can continue to do this and then has to be bribed back.
If he does that before you go away that’s great. Go and have a great time with him. If not then go without him. It’s another consequence and no guilt needed. It’s his decision.

It's irrelevant when you did the telling - you still did it. It's not a criticism it's simply how DSS will view what has happened - hence my comment about him feeling shame etc.

I really think you should let the parents get DSS together to deal with this. There are obviously some bigger issues at play here.

A happy kid does not suddenly act out.

Yes he’s 14, yes he’s going to act out. The only difference is instead of having to come back and face the consequences, he can run somewhere else and avoid them. The problem then is a small issue becomes a big one.

Exactly this. My parents were both perfectly decent but I am absolutely sure that if I could have run off to somewhere else as a teenager every time I thought they were being unreasonable I would have been ricocheting backwards and forwards like a ping pong ball. Particularly if I thought the threat of me running off again would have them lowering their expectations of me.

Separated parents need to be careful not to give a teenager huge power. Unfortunately it only takes one of the parents to not realise this (or to capitalise on it and set zero expectations at their house) and you have an unmanageable teen

No, I was perfectly happy as a teen, but I didn't like chores. If my parents had been separated I can absolutely see myself (well, teen me) behaving like this boy even though they were both incredibly reasonable parents.

That.

He needs to recognise that he can't cherry pick, and nor can he refuse to speak to his dad and then turn up on the day you leave, as though nothing has happened.

I do wonder if this is about more than the jobs and facing the music when he comes back to his Dad's house. You say that there is a 50/50 custody agreement. Has his dm and df actually sat down with him recently and asked him how 50 /50 is working out for him. At 14 maybe he would prefer one home as a base and to visit the other.

What about telling SS AND MUM that he can chose whatever he wants but has to be at his dad’s 3 days before you’re due to leave for the hols?
That way you have a bit of time for everyone to relax with each other again but he is left to make tte decision.

Id make sure SS AND MUM know that you want him to be there but are letting him chose.

Id involve mum in that SS seems very good at telling stories and I think it’s essential she also know you’re not stopping him from coming but whatever happens is his choice.
I also suspect he is going to play that game of putting mum and dad against each other quite a bit…

I don't know a teenager that would miss out on a holiday because of an insignificant dispute. They are usually very good at saying sorry/not sorry, anyhow about this holiday.

thanks everyone for your input, I think he’s avoiding getting into trouble and is being allowed to not come home which I also agree I would do as a teen but he can’t be ruling our homes by leaving everytime he doesn’t agree with something.

i didn’t even think of the possibility that 50/50 may not be working for him so I will suggest to dad that this he brought up with mum and see if she agrees a chat with dss may help

We had very similar, and it felt like if I’m honest that my SS engineered the argument so that they didn’t have to come away- I think they didn’t really want to come and miss out on half term with their friends but didn’t want to tell us that. We said that they holiday was there if they chose to come. But they refused to come out of their mums house when we went to collect them. It was really hard as we felt like we wasted a fortune on the holiday for them not to come. And a precedent was then set- have an argument and leave the house and refuse to come back.

@Han2873
I think 50/50 at 14 is abit to much, especially coming in to his big years in school, at that age they norm want 1 base to call home, maybe set him down and say he decides what house he wants as a base and it's up to him when he visits the other house, they start to stay more at there base home at that age where there friends circle tend to be.

But he still needs pulled up on his behalf as brushing things under the carpet makes for bigger problems down the line.

I think this is a fairly typical teenage strop?

If course if he has another home he would probably avoid going to the home he is in trouble at.

It sounds like he has the hump because he got told off and is trying to make it into something bigger because he is annoyed he got caught.

How long has this been going on?

Also, he won't be able to strop back to his mum's on holiday so wouldn't be an issue.

I agree, it is up to him and his dad to hash out, and up to his dad whether or not he comes on the holiday