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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step daughter very grabby and ignorant

39 replies

Isitorisntitxoxo · 09/10/2023 09:41

I've been with my DP for two years. He has three children, aged 22, 17 and a younger one. His eldest DD has ADHD which she rarely takes her medication for correctly. She predominantly lives with her mum, but will decide to go to her dads unannounced sometimes which means any plans we make get cancelled last minute. I just get on with this, as I understand kids always come first.

Over time however, I've really noticed that she would often prefer it to just be her and her dad, unless I'm paying for something, or offering rounds, or buying treats and takeaways. She is keen to have me in their company then. She is a student who lives in student accommodation, so I understand that her money is tight however, she has refused to get a part time job, and regularly seeks money off her parents. I'm saying this to demonstrate it isn't just me she expects to pay for things.

We went out recently and her dad asked her to nip over to the bar to order some drinks, the look of horror on her face was astounding as she thought her dad was asking her to buy a round, as opposed to putting it on the tab. She always hints for things, or gets in a mood if her dad won't buy her a £200 hairdryer for example.

She came out with us recently, with a bill resulting in £147 for three of us. It was only supposed to be lunch and a drink or two. £74 was hers, as she ordered a starter, main, three sides, dessert and cocktails. Most of which she picked at and left. I don't want to say anything, as it's not my place, and her dad really plays on the ADHD thing, stating she isn't great in social situations, or with other people. This is because I told him no matter how hard I try to make conversation with her, she really just isn't interested. Unless I have a birthday gift, or am paying for something, or is with us when I pop to a shop etc.

I always comment nice comments on her social media, or make a point of shouting hello in the background when she calls her dad, but quite often I get snubbed. It's to the point now where I'm really struggling to want to make the effort with her. My DP asked me to go out with them next week, but I just feel like what the point? As soon as her dad leaves the table, or the bill is paid, that's where her interest in me really seems to end.

AIBU to not really wish to bother so much in future? Just sit back and hope she'll either come round or everything will get better if I don't bother with her. I've never been one to force myself on someone, I simply make the effort for her dad. I would like a relationship with her though, as she is obviously an important person to her dad.

OP posts:

AllTheChaos · 09/10/2023 09:43

Having ADHD does not excuse selfishness, wastefulness, or rudeness. I have it, DD almost certainly has it, several friends do also. None of us behave like this! Her dad needs to stop enabling this behaviour or she’ll end up being someone people don’t want to be around.

SerpentEndBench · 09/10/2023 09:46

If she doesn't have any time that is just her and her dad then yes, I would make sure they have time together without her step mama.

Original poster

Isitorisntitxoxo · 09/10/2023 09:49

@AllTheChaos my job puts me in contact with people on the spectrum etc quite frequently. I've never really encountered anyone quite like this either, but just go with her dad knows her better. Thank you for that comment, it's a little reassuring.

@SerpentEndBench we don't live together, and as I've said, if she's going round I get cancelled and don't go. I only ever go when invited.

OP posts:

SerpentEndBench · 09/10/2023 09:52

Ah ok, thank you for explaining.

AmandaHoldensLips · 09/10/2023 09:54

I'd leave them to it. She's an adult and you are under no obligation to spend time with people you don't want to spend time with.

SeulementUneFois · 09/10/2023 09:55

Whether you go with or not, definitely pull back on paying for stuff.
If she's there, let your DP pay that time. You can pay when there's just the two of you.
Or just pay for yourself Ideally (though you might feel that would make it too awkward - you could just excuse yourself and pay at the bar earlier say if you're in a restaurant).

LemonLimeDivine · 09/10/2023 10:04

Stop showing an interest, don’t comment on her social media and completely pull back on paying for stuff.
ADHD does not excuse being rude, selfish and grabby. You’re not obliged to spend time with her. In your position I’d remain polite but disengage and leave her and her dad to it. Save yourself the stress. 🍷

ASCCM · 09/10/2023 10:22

AllTheChaos · 09/10/2023 09:43

This.

I cannot stand ADHD / ASD used as an excuse for shit parenting or shitty behaviour.

She sounds overindulged and self centred and it needs to stop!

Original poster

Isitorisntitxoxo · 09/10/2023 10:27

Honestly I understand parts of her behaviour, my youngest has ADHD also. I also understand it effects people differently, but the sheer and constant need to have people foot her bill, or pay for stuff for her is alarming. I did say to her dad that I imagine she'll struggle to maintain a relationship, if she constantly expects the person she's with to buy everything. It didn't go down too well. Just find it a really awkward situation, as of course it is important to me to be welcoming of his children. It's difficult when they are so blatantly rude though.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/10/2023 10:44

Stop bothering, stop paying for things. He can’t expect you to make any effort when he can see her responses. I wouldn’t criticise her either, just step right back so she doesn’t get the chance to annoy you. Her parents have to tolerate her, they’re the ones enabling her, you don’t have to at all.

GKD · 09/10/2023 10:47

You cannot change the behaviour of others but you can modify your own.

Firstly, I’d be questioning my relationship - he is happy for you to £££ but will drop you at a moment.

Secondly, maybe she just doesn’t like you. In these circumstances I’d back away you don’t HAVE to make an effort, it’s for DP to do so.

I’d reduce my availability.

Original poster

Isitorisntitxoxo · 09/10/2023 11:07

Thanks everyone, I've really taken the comments onboard.

As you say, she is an adult. It's not for me to pander to her wants and expectations. My conscience is clear knowing I've made an effort.

OP posts:

Backagain23 · 09/10/2023 14:14

She predominantly lives with her mum, but will decide to go to her dads unannounced sometimes which means any plans we make get cancelled last minute. I just get on with this, as I understand kids always come first
Sorry but this is utter bullshit.
Short of someone being hospitalised or similar, my DH has never ever done this to me. He seems to think his relationship with me is also important in his life.
It's so utterly disrespectful to drop you on the whims of a huffy young adult. She can do what she likes, it's not her who's supposed to love and care for you. He is the problem here.

Original poster

Isitorisntitxoxo · 09/10/2023 16:27

@Backagain23 respectfully, not once did I say she had to love or care for me.

Thank you for your response.

OP posts:

namechangnancy · 09/10/2023 21:29

I think op the problem is your dsd behaviour is enabled by your partner sadly. He could probably shuffle away any bad thoughts when she was a child and cute. But all children grow into adults.

Also ND doesn't excuse being a asshole and they aren't mutually exclusive. I have asd and would never expect someone to foot the bill for me or to behave like this as I imagine many people nd would act like this.

She may have ND but chances are genetically speaking so does dad but this isn't a Nd problem it's a spoil your kids and they turn into asshole adult problem.

My advice stop paying for shit and step way back. She's a adult your a adult and sometimes playing along enables the young person to think it's ok. If your partner grumbles I would flag you don't find his daughters behaviour acceptable so your withdrawing from the equation as you both see eye to eye on the matter.

He grumbles "oh you hate her then" say no but we don't agree on the behaviours that are socially acceptable from your daughter so I'm withdrawing so that I don't entangle myself further.

Step kids do tend to hate their sp and sp get blamed for everything anyway. If your gonna get the blame you might as well enjoy your time without having to watch this slow no train wreck in action.

namechangnancy · 09/10/2023 21:30

Wouldn't act** sorry typo galore here

user1492757084 · 10/10/2023 07:36

Keep going out but your partner needs to be teaching his daughter some skills.
He should talk about limits and budgets.
Pay for her meal but explain that he will pay for one course and one drink.

This is not mean, it makes her choose more wisely and it prepares her for when she is paying her own way and stops rampant food waste (you all should explain how it is very bad for the planet and Earth's water resources etc.)
Your partner should want the best for his daughter. She needs pointers as to how to be socially responsible, polite and independant.
Where best to start but at home? He should expect that his daughter practises respect and good manners on you.

Dollyparton3 · 10/10/2023 08:13

Nothing wrong with saying to a student every now and then "we're off our for lunch and if you want to join us you'll need to pay for your share". We do this all the time with apprentice DSS, some days he wants to join, sometimes he'll happily make do with raiding our freezer at home and saving the money.

Grabby DSD who works full time doesn't get an invite anymore as it was the same routine, 3 courses ++++. I'm happy for DH to go out with her alone if she's going to be eating and telling him how much he "owes me at least that". LeVe them to it and try to detach OP,
Not your circus.

Branleuse · 10/10/2023 08:19

I think you should put some boundaries for yourself as to what you will go along with, but I'd try and not let yourself judge her to harshly. Lower expectations. She will be around long term. She has impulsive behaviour and is neurodiverse so this will massively effect her ability to get the social skills right. You can't be the one to put your foot down on it though. You can just decide that you won't be paying for her etc

Backagain23 · 10/10/2023 11:06

Isitorisntitxoxo · 09/10/2023 16:27

@Backagain23 respectfully, not once did I say she had to love or care for me.

Thank you for your response.

Respectfully, I didn't say she did either. I'm suggesting he does and you are focused on the wrong problem.

BoohooWoohoo · 10/10/2023 11:14

The problem is your partner. She behaves like this because he accepts this her and it will always be like this. There's no incentive for her up change her ways with her dad- she would probably say that he's happy to pay because he's never broached the topic of her being a cf.

Yanbu to say you've tried and it's not worked so distance yourself from their odd dynamic. You certainly shouldn't be paying and contributing to his Disney Dad ways.

Yalta · 22/01/2024 00:19

Time to make a life away from this woman.

Make yourself unavailable occasionally when he invites you round

Don’t put yourself in a position where you are in her company so you don’t have to pay for her

If for whatever reason you end up in a restaurant with her I would suddenly come up with a thing you had forgotten to do and leave her and her dad to it. Returning later when the bill had been paid and your bf’s dd had left.

You can’t change you partner or his dd’s you can only change your own actions towards them

MeridianB · 22/01/2024 07:10

Great opportunity for her to have 1:1 time with her dad. No need for you to go and pay for things. Stepping right back should help with your sanity. Not sure why your plans have to be cancelled on demand though.

The wider DP problem, and a worry that this will go on for many years, would prompt me to question the future, though. 🙁

ftp · 22/01/2024 21:51

It does seem common recently in education to excuse bad behaviour as a symptom of her diversity. She may be facilitated in this at college.
I agree that for your own well-being, you do not engage.

Now that she has ordered a lot of food and picked, if you get into a meal situation, DP has to point out that anything she orders needs to be eaten, not wasted. Unless this was a one-off that could be explained by the food, or nervousness, or a bad day.

Is DH feeling guilty, as many separated dads can, about not being there for her? Does he know how to react/ deal with it?

Is he trying to make you both part of the family, as it is possible that once she graduates, he is expecting to house her?

OliveToboogie · 22/01/2024 22:09

She sounds rude, spoilt and indulged. Give it a few years and her dad will be wondering why she can't keep a relationship and why she is unpopular with others.....because he is condoning her poor behaviour.

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