I'm dreading Christmas with DSC

[Yolandi1976]

Not with them per se, but because I already know what will happen as it happens every year and always leaves me feeling like shit.

They always expect so much and are visibly apathetic about them to the degree it comes off as ungrateful.

We both work hard to be able to get what we can but are not well off. DSC mum has a partner that can splash the cash and buy the very best of everything, the new consoles and phones etc. We don't have that kind of money.

I buy most of our kids (mine and DH's) presents second hand. Always in lovely condition, mind you. DH wouldn't dream of buying DSC anything second hand as they'd turn their nose up at it.

Eldest DSC(12) had a birthday recently and I bought him two sets of something he had specifically asked for. He just opened them and put them on the table, not so much as a thank you.

Younger DSC (11) asked for money for his birthday so he got money from me, a decent amount on a gaming gift card for his favourite game and an expensive day out to somewhere of his choosing from DH which all came to about £150, much more than I spend on my kids birthdays. He also had a couple of little bits to unwrap. He got the hump and sulked because he didn't have "loads" of presents to open here on top of all of that (he'd already said he didn't want presents just money...)

Last Christmas was miserable for DH when they didn't care about anything he had bought them for Christmas and just wanted to go back to their mums to use their brand new consoles.

The Christmas before that they were ungrateful about what we bought them. I admit to feeling quite hurt about that as I really did my best to get things they'd like and enjoy and went way over budget in general.

Of course DH tries to instill gratitude and good manners but children are naturally materialistic aren't they? I'm dreading having all of this to come when mine get older, they're currently 6 & 4.

I'm not sure what I want from the thread really, just a vent I think.

I might add however that I've avoided this with my own exh and DD's. We still get them Christmas and birthday presents between us, so everything they get is from us both.That way there is never any comparison between houses. What that means in practice is that I research, shop and wrap the damn presents and then he gives me half the amount I've spent on them total. But it's worked well for us and avoids them getting endless presents at two houses, and present fatigue as a result and it stops one house looking like the 'poorer' of the two. (If it did it would be mine as exh earns 6 times what I do).

Exh and I haven't always got on. But we have always agreed on this for Christmas and birthdays and any other expenditure such as dd1's driving lessons. I think we had it put in our court order by mutual consent but I can't remember.

Once they are older I would think jt will stop, but whilst they live at home (s) that will be the way we do it.

Im not saying you should be competing with their mums house, but do they have any consoles etc at your house too or just mums?

Could they get a joint one for Christmas with extra controllers/games that's different to their one at their mums or something? So its not a competition, but still something exciting?

I get the difference in budgets must be hard, could your DH talk to their mum and divide their lists more fairly - ie look at what they want and each take a few things off it to buy them? Sounds like mum is probably buying everything they really want and you are getting told about things on the bottom of the list they arent as fussed about.

Or if the lego etc is popular, make it a thing they do at your house with their dad that they can get excited about, or if they like football, get them the latest strip each year and tickets to a match or something - your DH needs to find something thats 'his' to do with them that could then lead to good gifts they will love

Also - they do need to learn to say thank you no matter what they get - thats for your DH to deal with

At 11 and 12 are they outgrowing toys? Maybe that's why the consoles and phones are more appreciated.

If it was my own child I'd have had a hard talk with them about basic manners.
Well after Christmas etc

And I'd give them a hard budget from Dh. That will manage their expectations.

'Our gift choices didn't seem to be appreciated last Christmas. You asked for x which we bought and you didn't seem excited or even say Thankyou. We work hard for the money we earn and enjoy buying you a gift you'll really enjoy so we need you to think hard about what you want. Your budget is £x. If you ask for money, that's what you'll get, if you ask for one gift that is that price, then that's what we'll get you. We want you to be happy, we know it must be hard being in two houses with different budgets, but we want you to enjoy and appreciate your gifts'

It does sound like a DH problem.

Your DH is miserable they didn't appreciate their presents, which he didn't buy for them.

As a pp has said, maybe they know he wasn't involved

I still remember my DH saying to me on one Xmas day as our kids unwrapped their presents - what have we got them this year? Our kids knew full well he hadn't organised or bought anything and showed exactly to correct amount of thanks to him (ie none)

That having been said, if you wanted to one way to get them to see the other side is to give them a small budget (take it out of the present budget) and take them shopping to buy Xmas presents for each other and for you and DH. It'll get them thinking about what other people want and they will experience the process from the other side,

I would suggest you step back and get DH to sort presents though, that way at least he looks like he cares.

I feel desperately sorry for you and your OH who are trying so hard .
I think the problem is that their mum and partner are wealthier and therefore buy more and the kids are comparing . A lot of kids also equate money spent to love given and they need to learn that's not true .

Rant away, I could have written this post myself a few years ago, OP. I pulled back, let DH do their shopping. He gives them money and a bath set now.. not my issue. They’re still not particularly thankful, but it’s how they are with everyone, I’ve realised.

Thankfully our DC just think they’re rude and haven’t followed suit.

I was on the other side of this. I was the resident parent with my ex and his wife spending a fortune on our DC’s. Think scrambler motorbikes and full kit!

I couldn't compete. My message was always ‘time is the most valuable thing you can give’.

I focussed on ‘fun’! Cooking together, a Boxing Day treasure hunt, a trip to a deserted beach with a disposable barbeque, a flask of hot chocolate and marshmallows. We joined a local walk, with friends and had a winter picnic. ( not all in the same year!). We spent time together.

I would also set expectations though, saying ‘that is very rude’ and explaining about giving. They need boundaries and expectations of good manners.

I think your husband is doing your step kids a huge disservice by allowing them to behave like this. He needs to step up and make it very clear that their rudeness is unacceptable, and forget about trying to be the favourite parent. Children need firm boundaries about what is acceptable behaviour, not just for the present moment but to help to mould them into decent, likeable adults that other people are going to want to be around.

I'd give them 20 quid each in a card.

If they complain, say they didn't seem happy with their gifts the last few years, despite your efforts and expense, so you've stopped trying.

They need a wakeup call.

Speaking as a step something to a megabrat (my friends would back me up on this statement) I'd suggest you back away from emotionally investing in this scenario.

My husband's now adult daughter was horrific at Xmas and birthdays. She'd send gift lists 4 months in advance of the event that included £100 gift vouchers for her favourite store, Pandora jewellery, ugg boots, hair extensions, new iPhones and micro blading for her eyebrows.

She was aided and abetted by my MIL (co-conspirator of Alienation against DH) who would give her sackloads of gifts as a child (against DH's wishes) and her mum who is the Chief of alienation against her DH.

Honestly she's Violet Beauregard on acid. Presents would be unwrapped then tossed aside on Xmas day, then tears would follow if she didn't get what she wanted. I used to stand back in awe.

It took a couple of years for me to convince DH that if he did or didn't give her what she wanted she'd withhold contact for something else the following week. Social media rules were a big one, being rude was another, not allowing her to host a party for 30 teenagers was another one. So NOT buying her piles of gifts that would be stored at our house unused was at least a cost saving.

Now I leave it to him. I used to spend weeks scouring the shops to find her thoughtful lovely gifts that would fit into our set budget. Not having to do that now at least helps me to simmer my resentment whenever she holds a gun to his head over something else.

For all those who are about to jump on me and call me a horrible person for being honest, I also have a stepson who is the opposite of his sister and would have and still would be happy with a yo-yo if someone has spent the time buying it and wrapping it for him. It's the adult child not the stepmum who's at fault here.

@Yolandi1976

Perhaps taking that step back and removing myself from the gift buying/giving process isn't such a bad thing after all?

It must be so disheartening for you to put time, energy and money into gifts for your husband's children and they are unappreciated and met with ingratitude.

Yes I think you should really back off from being at all involved in the present giving for your DSC. Suggest to your husband to put daily reminders in his phone so he (not you) can sort out their Christmas, birthday etc gifts himself. It's up to him to organise himself then to make the purchases (which should be reflected by budget) in good time.

How is he with gifts for you and the children you share? 🌹

I wonder whether it was his Ex who did all the thinking and purchasing etc for his children's gifts and he's now past most of it into you...

Maybe I'm a cow but I'd just stop buying them anything. Let your husband sort their presents, I wouldn't be putting myself in a position to be affected by their ungratefulness personally, I'd just concentrate on my own children's presents and let DH buy for his rude DC 🤷‍♀️

but children are naturally materialistic aren't they?

To be honest I disagree. I don't think they always are. I know plenty of polite children who would thank anyone for any gift they received. My own stepchildren would never complain about the amount of presents they received (teens now but even at those ages they wouldn't have), they may not have been shouting their thanks from the rooftops or anything but they certainly wouldn't have behaved like your husbands DC.

Why are you buying them presents? They have 2 parents. They can buy them stuff. Spend the money on your own kids.

Yep this.

Your DH should be taking the lead on buying presents.

It sounds as if their thoughtless (but not unusual) behaviour is being read by you and your DH through the adult lens of Mum v Dad. I would really try to resist doing that as it’s not fair on anyone, including the kids. They certainly aren’t the first kids who want to dash off to play on their consoles but in the context that’s coming across to you as something to do with their mum’s greater spending power. I would suggest that you and your DH acknowledge those feelings and then move on from them- you certainly shouldn’t be spending more than you can afford or putting up with rudeness.

My dsd doesn’t give a shit about anything we buy either…. If it doesn’t come from her mum or nan then it’s meh.

She’s also with us this Xmas and although Iv got some bits for her. I’m not making tons of effort with her gifts.

She’s ungrateful and rude and instead of buying more to match up I’m buying less. It’s her own fault. That way when she gets home and bins it all (which is what she said she did last year with a pair of pjs her auntie got her) I won’t care.

She’s ungrateful and rude and instead of buying more to match up I’m buying less. It’s her own fault. That way when she gets home and bins it all (which is what she said she did last year with a pair of pjs her auntie got her) I won’t care

If my DSC actually came out and said they binned their presents when they got back to mums they'd be getting precisely nothing from me.

So you buy step children more (probably pay maintenance too I'm assuming) and your own children get less? I'd let them sulk. Who lets their own children come second to not upset someone else's ungrateful kids. It needs to be fair, if they don't like it... that's a shame.

There's nothing stopping you from saying to them both if they open a gift and act entitled 'And what do you say when someone cares enough to but you a present?! I mean that's what I would've said

They do have a console at our house yes, an xbox one. They have a much newer one at home. I think all the newer games are on the newer console? I don't know much about all of that.

It isn't intentional, giving them more than my own DC. My DC get plenty of nice things as fortunately they're still at an age where they're easily pleased. With DSC, where once they might have been happy with a certain toy their interests are now more expensive, £50-£60 on an xbox game for example.

That £50-£60 could buy loads for my young DC but not so much the older ones.

I've told DH that this Christmas I'm leaving the gift buying for DSC to him, that way I don't have to deal with any shame/guilt. It's a horrible feeling when you buy somebody a gift and they turn their nose up at it.

Sorry to read that quite a few of you have had similar experiences when it comes to Christmas and birthdays. 🍷for all of us.

If my DSS wanted a £50-60 game, he'd get very little else, so still wouldn't end up with more spent on him.

They really really need a good talking to. They are old enough to understand his money works, and also that Christmas isn't all about presents. Your DH needs to step up here.

Not all teens are materialistic, a lot of teens from separated families are. They often see it as “compensation” for what they would really prefer, an intact family (professional opinion btw having worked with kids from separated families not random musing). It is up to your DH to set their expectations, he probably does feel a bit inferior if their SD chucks money at them but that really is his issue to manage. You could step back and let DH get on with it or you can continue to be involved but if you do that you need to be prepared for not getting any thanks, up to you really.

These are extremely dragged up children.

Not the least bit normal IMO.

Their father thinks it is acceptable that they are reared without the most basic of manners.

He tolerates it.

You are excusing him from any responsibility for just how rude, ill mannered and dragged up they are.

Whose responsibility is it exactly if not his?

Their response to the gifts is appalling, without correction year after year.

This wouldn't happen twice in many houses, I can assure you.

Step complete away from this situation.

Basic self respect should have stopped your involvement.

Why would you be afraid to say "you neither liked nor thanked me for your last gifts so I haven't bothered"?

Step away from this.

Work on your self esteem.

Because accepting such rudeness from two children year after year means your self esteem must be in bits.

Over many years I have come across tales from friends where nieces and nephews, god children, were occasionally ungrateful for what they received.

The following year everything was simplified with a selection box.

Very easily dealt with.

"I realised last year I'm clearly not great at gift buying so a selection box going forward will cover it.

No further discussion.

You can't win when dealing with ungrateful people so withdrawing completely from any effort at least releases you from the annoyance of their appalling responses.