I'm dreading Christmas with DSC

[Yolandi1976]

Not with them per se, but because I already know what will happen as it happens every year and always leaves me feeling like shit.

They always expect so much and are visibly apathetic about them to the degree it comes off as ungrateful.

We both work hard to be able to get what we can but are not well off. DSC mum has a partner that can splash the cash and buy the very best of everything, the new consoles and phones etc. We don't have that kind of money.

I buy most of our kids (mine and DH's) presents second hand. Always in lovely condition, mind you. DH wouldn't dream of buying DSC anything second hand as they'd turn their nose up at it.

Eldest DSC(12) had a birthday recently and I bought him two sets of something he had specifically asked for. He just opened them and put them on the table, not so much as a thank you.

Younger DSC (11) asked for money for his birthday so he got money from me, a decent amount on a gaming gift card for his favourite game and an expensive day out to somewhere of his choosing from DH which all came to about £150, much more than I spend on my kids birthdays. He also had a couple of little bits to unwrap. He got the hump and sulked because he didn't have "loads" of presents to open here on top of all of that (he'd already said he didn't want presents just money...)

Last Christmas was miserable for DH when they didn't care about anything he had bought them for Christmas and just wanted to go back to their mums to use their brand new consoles.

The Christmas before that they were ungrateful about what we bought them. I admit to feeling quite hurt about that as I really did my best to get things they'd like and enjoy and went way over budget in general.

Of course DH tries to instill gratitude and good manners but children are naturally materialistic aren't they? I'm dreading having all of this to come when mine get older, they're currently 6 & 4.

I'm not sure what I want from the thread really, just a vent I think.

Totally agree with this, too. It's not a sustainable message to send to your children when they are old enough to notice.

Oh dear @Yolandi1976 you have just set yourself up for page upon page of posters telling you what good eggs THEIR kids are with added smugness around commercial TV and charity work.

That's incredibly rude and hurtful at their age. Their dad needs to pull them up on it every single time.

My nephews were like this which made me determined to try and ensure my own DDs weren't.

When my DSC started with the 'I want' I made them sit down and watch the Michael Burke BBC news report on you tube of the 1980s famine in Ethiopia which we all saw.

Drastic- yes

Never heard a sentence starting with 'I want.....' ever again

I stand in solidarity and sympathy, OP - I’m dreading Christmas for the same reason.
BFs daughter couldn’t be nicer - she doesn’t have any expectations and is genuinely grateful for what she receives. She lives with her dad as her mum’s partner couldn’t get along with her, and understands that her dad doesn’t have as much spare money as her mum & her partner.
His son, however - who is with his mum 75% of the time - is never grateful for anything. When we were on holiday this year, he would pester and pester to be bought something. If he was bought it, though - he would literally pester and pester for the next thing straight after. He has absolutely no appreciation, awareness or filter.
It’s BF’s turn to have both kids this year and I have refused to do a joint Christmas morning (which we have before), as I just know BFs son will spoil it for everyone with his behaviour otherwise😬
Instead of a ‘great unopening’, my plan is to have a couple hours with my DC first, then a more minor gift exchange when the others get here, so it has less bearing on the day.

I think your DH needs to set down expectations and rules about manners and politeness around gifts, preferably agreeing this with the kids mother.

Try and stay out of it as much as possible

No, it's OP's younger children who are 6 & 4. The DSC are older.

Gratitude is quite a complex thing to i still in some children.

With my kids, they had a large extended family. My DS in particular, if he got something he didn't like for Christmas of birthday would say so.

If someone had said "would you like me to give it away" he would have said yes, because it's not what I want.

So I did two things -
One we made an Amazon wish list in about October. I explained to him that this meant that he would get presents he actually wanted at Christmas, so he was onboard. We chose a variety of things at a lot of different price points and I made sure to explain each year - some people don't have much money so you need to put on things you want that don't cost much.

Second I told him he was to lie and say that he loved the present no matter what it was.

He hated this one because he didn't like lying.

So I offered him large amounts of chocolate, and also eventually the promise that I would swop anything he really didn't like.

(We already charity shopped a lot of the presents anyway as he didn't like them)

He did eventually get on board with the lying thing and is now graduated from uni and very good at social lying.

We had the same thing, always really ungrateful even though we would spend ages looking for the perfect gifts for them and it still wasn’t enough. Their mum happily gets things on finance like phones and consoles and gets more ridiculous every year, which is completely her choice but we just aren’t like that. We just do money in a card for them now.

It's so disheartening isn't it?

One year they wanted remote control cars but not just any old cars, I'm talking expensive souped up ones you see much older teens/adults using. He bought some for them and after a week we never saw them again as they got bored and lost interest.

Similar scenario with roller blades. Used once and never again.

They'll ask for something, get it and then they no longer want it.

I've been told to my face "I don't need this" after opening a gift I carefully chose. I bought one of them something else on another occasion and he had a full blown tantrum because it wasn't what he thought it was.

I feel like we waste alot of money on special occasions because they don't actually want what we get them anyway even if it's something they asked for themselves.

I do agree with those of you saying DH needs to be on top of the rudeness, I think he just worries about being the "bad guy"

I would just give them money and they can buy what they want then. They won't have anything to open but so be it. That's their own fault for being ungrateful little shits.

DH needs to let go of the fear of being the bad guy. I'd rather be the bad guy than have my children grow into selfish, ungrateful people.

My DH didn't see his teenage sons for months at a time because he was the "bad guy". Wouldn't allow them to smoke at 14/15, doesn't tolerate laziness. Fast forward a few years and they're finally realising who had their back after all. It's not their mum helping them with CVs and getting jobs.

I would split the gift giving.
Arrange to do your DSC separate to your own so as you can actually enjoy it.

And yes to your DH having a chat with them about the cost of Christmas etc.

We set a budget. I buy my kids stuff , he buys his.

I don’t get involved. You’re never going to win either way so I would just leave it and let him get on with it.

they sounds like typical step kids tbh, grass is always greener …. ( even when it isn’t!)

Judging by the last post it seems you don’t know them well enough to get them the things they want - how often do they stay with you and DH? Also, do they do Christmas at yours after their Mum’s? If so they may be fed up / tired and just want to go home.

It might be better for you to do Christmas with them before their Mum (ie Christmas Eve) or just send their presents to their Mum’s so they can open them all together.

Regardless of any of this, they are being very rude.

I think you are absolutely right to stay out of gift buying this year.

The whole thing is probably complicated for your DH because of various things: guilt about separating, struggling with direct comparisons to other household, values taught in other household about presents and manners etc.

Those are all things that you can't do anything about: it's for DH to do his own soul searching and decide, e.g. gift giving isn't all about the value of gifts and I want to teach them as such, as their parent I want to teach my kids about manners and 'it's the thought that counts', gifts as an exchange e.g. getting kids involved in buying gifts for siblings etc so they get in the spirit of giving, thoughtfulness and appreciation of the love and effort that goes into such things.

None of the above is anything you could/should do anything about, it's a parenting issue which is more complicated for DH as is not in alignment with other parent (and probably won't be, needs to take the lead on his own approach).

For you, I would just focus on the approach to Christmas and gift giving that you want for your own children, and approach it accordingly.

You might even find you end up setting a good example to DH and DSC. And if not, you can direct your emotional energy towards parenting your own children, rather than taking on DH's anxiety over something he really has to think through himself.

They sound very entitled and have learnt to equate the cost of something to it's value. Sad... actively encouraged in today's society but complete rubbish and very damaging.
Give them money ( what you can afford) they will never be happy with anything they are given ( briefly but short lived, bit like a sugar hit) don't overthink it...

@Octavia64 this is a weird one... I am not sure I consider it lying. Saying 'thank you' for a gift is surely about appreciating the time/effort/thought that goes into giving the gift... not expecting the gift giver to get it 'right'.

Rather than lying I would also probably think of it more like a challenge... if someone gives you something and asks you if you like it... find something nice to say about it.

They are 11 and 12.

They sound thoroughly unpleasant and ill mannered.

No, their behaviour is not normal.

We have this but unfortunately not just at Christmas. DSS's mum has told them DH is rich and if he doesn't buy them the things they want (£80 Nike tech fleece apropo of nothing for example) then it's because he is being tight. And that what they say to us.
Dh is not rich. In fact just now we are a bit brassic. But they wont have it. So all we get is moaned at. It's a horrible feeling and it's x 10 at Christmas and birthdays.

All you can do is be honest with them and say 'we can't afford it, but you get the best of what we can afford' and that's that. And hope they believe you, unlike in our case where it's just another stick being used by the step kid mum to drive a wedge between dh and I and them.

much more than I spend on my kids birthdays.

See, I believe this is the problem. They are entitled, but you shouldn't have to make this effort. Set realistic expectations and spend only what you can afford

That's the thing, we do.

The expensive RC cars, roller blades, bikes etc are all things that they wanted and asked for.

Eldest DS' birthday just gone he asked for specific lego sets and was bought exactly that, completely uninterested in them when he got them and just put them on the table with not so much as a "thanks"

They were into bakogan (or whatever its called) and got a bunch of stuff associated with that, negative again.

They only seem enthused by really big things like the newest phones or the newest consoles which are provided at their mums.

I felt that crap about last Christmas and seeing DH cut up about it that for a minute I considered getting a flashy console ourselves so they had something amazing at our place. I promptly gave my head a wobble.

No, children are not ‘naturally materialistic.’ Mine certainly aren’t. It’s not your dsc’s fault that they haven’t been raised to be grateful. Sounds very unpleasant to be around.