I'm dreading Christmas with DSC

[Yolandi1976]

Not with them per se, but because I already know what will happen as it happens every year and always leaves me feeling like shit.

They always expect so much and are visibly apathetic about them to the degree it comes off as ungrateful.

We both work hard to be able to get what we can but are not well off. DSC mum has a partner that can splash the cash and buy the very best of everything, the new consoles and phones etc. We don't have that kind of money.

I buy most of our kids (mine and DH's) presents second hand. Always in lovely condition, mind you. DH wouldn't dream of buying DSC anything second hand as they'd turn their nose up at it.

Eldest DSC(12) had a birthday recently and I bought him two sets of something he had specifically asked for. He just opened them and put them on the table, not so much as a thank you.

Younger DSC (11) asked for money for his birthday so he got money from me, a decent amount on a gaming gift card for his favourite game and an expensive day out to somewhere of his choosing from DH which all came to about £150, much more than I spend on my kids birthdays. He also had a couple of little bits to unwrap. He got the hump and sulked because he didn't have "loads" of presents to open here on top of all of that (he'd already said he didn't want presents just money...)

Last Christmas was miserable for DH when they didn't care about anything he had bought them for Christmas and just wanted to go back to their mums to use their brand new consoles.

The Christmas before that they were ungrateful about what we bought them. I admit to feeling quite hurt about that as I really did my best to get things they'd like and enjoy and went way over budget in general.

Of course DH tries to instill gratitude and good manners but children are naturally materialistic aren't they? I'm dreading having all of this to come when mine get older, they're currently 6 & 4.

I'm not sure what I want from the thread really, just a vent I think.

The kids are definitely rude.

I think the only thing you can do is set expectations in advance. Talk to the kids about money being a bit tight and presents being expensive. Remind them that there won't be a big pile of presents and that bigger kids get gifts that are physically smaller (but worth more). Make a bit of a fuss about having to work hard to afford presents. They are old enough to learn about the value of work and money, but they won't learn if you don't tell them or if you pretend to have more money than you do.

Obviously your DH should be taking the lead to reinforce this and telling them to say thank you.

children are naturally materialistic aren't they?

Not always, mine have always struggled to come up with a list of things they want. They don't tend to be upset either and we were quite poor when they were younger. Many of their presents were from charity shops. We did limit commercial TV and we did teach them to evaluate adverts - yes that pink popcorn maker looks fun but how often do you actually make popcorn and we can do that in the microwave.

All teenagers now and still not very materialistic. They have things and appreciate things but it is not who they are. I think though it will be challenging with the older ones already being materialistic and I am quite happy to accept that my children could just be outliers.

Vent away, perhaps just give them money, whatever you give won’t compete to what they get from DM’s partner. My own 2 sons were never greedy and still not now they are adults, as we taught them they couldn’t have everything they wanted. Your children will grow up knowing the value of money and presents, unfortunately it seems too late for your DSC.

Could you get them involved in some charity work ahead of xmas? Maybe a local food bank or toy bank. I used to volunteer for a local food bank and at Xmas we collected toys and distributed them to families who couldn't afford Xmas. It was heartbreaking. Some of the houses I delivered to had no flooring or carpets and a little toddler crawling around on concrete. The parents were so thankful and often felt ashamed that they weren't in a position to provide gifts themselves. It was very humbling.

Maybe a good dose of reality and perspective is what they need.

Wow, they are very ungrateful. I agree that your DH needs to talk to them about gratitude. It is not about money spent, it is about getting something they like. I would be struggling to want to get them anything.

I'm hoping I'll be able to minimise some of the materialism somewhat with mine as they've grown up coming to (and loving) charity shops, but ask me again when they're teenagers 😐

Charity work is a nice idea. I'm not sure how willing they'd be though, it's something I could suggest to DH.

He does try to manage their expectations ahead of special occasions and explaining that things costing more £ means less 'things' in general. I think the eldest does get it and so probably doesn't expect the world from us, just struggles to hide his disappointment.

I feel for DH as I would be mortified if it were my children being so rude about gifts, and it may well be some day so I'm keen to nip that in the bud if it comes up.

After last year I did say to DH I'm staying out of gift buying from then on as I found their response to Christmas quite upsetting, I didn't feel able to stick to it though as I didn't want DSC to see/know that I was taking myself out of the equation and think I didn't care about them or something.

DH isn't the best at gift buying, as in, he always leaves everything to the last minute so I naturally took the lead in organising things like that.

Mine are the same. We've never been well off but wouldn't consider us poor either. The kids have never been materialistic (no more than anyone else young or old desiring the things they like) and have always been immensely grateful for everything they get. When I bought DS a console he'd wanted a few Christmases ago he was so choked up that he couldn't speak. All he did was cry and hug me so tightly for a good five minutes. He never expected to get the console because he knew that it was a very, very overpriced item.

If a child was ungrateful for any gifts I bought them I would congratulate them on their impression and when they asked what impression, I'd tell them, "Dudley Dursley of course! Yours is bang on, pal!".

If it were me I'd take a huge step back and just buy small but meaningful presents for each of them.

Let's face it, you'll never satisfy the step children, whatever you do, so focus on giving your own children lots of love and experiences that they will treasure.

Could it perhaps be not about the gifts at all, but more about "other stuff"? They probably don't even realise it if so - they're just kids.
Their parents didn't get on and split up.
Now they have to divide their time between two homes.
Their Dad doesn't care about buying them their presents enough to think ahead and do it in time, and, instead, their stepmum does it.

I'm sure they don't consciously analyze it, but rather than "my stepmum loves me enough to take trouble over my presents" they might get the message, "my Dad doesn't care about me enough to bother with present buying".

Your DH probably hasn't thought consciously that he used to have a mother of his kids who did the present buying and now he has provided a stepmother to do the present buying. But if he were genuinely a lone, full time parent I bet he would do a LOT better.

No. No, 'children are not all naturally materialistic'. Your step children are incredibly rude and ungrateful. Their dad should not be tolerating that at all.

Pure speculation on my part but I think the reason he doesn't take a hard line with them about being materialistic/rude about presents is because he's worried about pushing them away. He already feels like we are the boring household and mums now-partner is the best thing since sliced bread 😔

I think your DH needs to step up and get more involved in setting expectations and buying gifts - as others have said, they will be aware it is you putting in the effort, perhaps they're disappointed that their dad doesn’t care?

I agree DH needs to be taking the lead with presents. It doesn't fall to me because he doesn't care, I just have more free time than he does and enjoy buying gifts in general. If I don't do it then DH certainly will, he's just a bit disorganised and has a habit of leaving things until the last minute.

Perhaps taking that step back and removing myself from the gift buying/giving process isn't such a bad thing after all?

This is how these children have been brought up they have separated parents who just throw stuff at them and haven't been taught how to appreciate anything this is on the adults not the kids. You have to let your husband deal with "disappointment " this is his issue, I think you need to not take part in gift buying then the ungratefulness won't upset you.

From about the age of 10, I always bought gifts for my parents with my pocket money or money I got from doing jobs around the house. Usually something like gloves or a bath set when I was younger and then something a bit more expensive when I had my own money from part-time jobs.

It sounds like these kids need to learn he value of money. What is the situation with pocket money? Do they get pocket money? Do they have chores they need to do in order to get their pocket money?

My siblings and I used to get pocket money but had certain chores we had to do in order to get it. My brother's had to fill and empty the dishwasher each day, I had to make everyone's suppers. If we wanted extra cash we could do other jobs like cutting the grass, cleaning the bathrooms. I was paid for ironing from age 9.

Maybe your DH could encourage them to buy small gifts for their parents with their pocket money. Even if it's just a chocolate bar or something small. Just to give them the experience of spending their own money on someone else and the feelings that go along with that. The anticipation of watching someone open something you've bought for them and worrying if they'll like it. Maybe it would make them question their ungratefulness.

What's the relationship like between DH and the ex? Is this something they could work on together?

The 'boring' household at that age is a different matter.

Clearly your dh can't compete with the step dad financially.

But there are many things boys that age love that are completely free, and he could easily 'compete'. Football at the park would be one such example.

My dc get loads more spend on them by their dad, that just is what it is, but they love being at my house because I give them time.

The relationship between DH and their mum is OK, it could be better as they tend to parent separately rather than as a unified front working together if that makes sense.

DH hasn't met the step dad although he has been on the scene for a couple of years now. He's never about during pick up or drop off. I expect DH has some inferior feelings due to the disparity in what can be provided.

He's a hands on dad and does plenty with them, football at the park is something he encourages them to do with him every weekend as the eldest used to like that but they don't fancy it most of the time now as they're indoorsy and prefer to play online. They don't like bike rides and grumble about going out for tea as the expectation is that they don't bring their tech with them.

They do get pocket money from DH with no strings attached. It wouldn't be a bad idea for him to give them little jobs though. They do buy DH a gift on fathers day, birthdays and Christmas but only DH and nobody else (and I think it's their mum that encourages that rather than them wanting to do it of their own accord)

Does their mum buy it for them or do they use their own money? If mum's paying for it it defeats the purpose.

I'm not certain actually, it could be either way.

They are old to be as ungrateful as they are being. If it were me, words would be had, and/or they would be bought less as they won't be appreciative either way (DP has already ended up doing this with DSS).

But there's only so much you can do on that front, it has to come from DH.

I would have your DH take over the present buying, it doesn't matter that you have more free time, he has enough, they're his kids and they're making it miserable for you. And then just try not to think about it too much.

Of course DH tries to instill gratitude and good manners but children are naturally materialistic aren't they?

I have children that can be materialistic but we try hard to get them out of it- your dh isn’t doing enough. If it comes to an argument then we’ll have it!!

‘Are you happy with your present? Oh you didn’t say thank you!’ Or if they moan ‘if you want I can drop them to someone in town who’d like them?’ Say it innocently if you want which will really make them think!

Treat them like toddlers. You do not have to put up with that when you’re trying so hard especially not at Christmas which when I comes down to it is about family pulling together.

I think you and your DH need to have a conversation about fairness in use of family resources (time and money). He cannot both let his fears about his children rejecting him determine how presents are bought in your household. You’re spending far more on your SC (both of you) than your own children. That’s not ok. You’re ending up with all the work too.

Sending them the message that they get cheaper, second hand presents while their half siblings get lots more and it must be new is not good for them. They are being treated as second class children in the family. That’s not OK.

There is only so much money - and it needs to be used fairly. Your DH cannot buy his older children’s love and attention. It doesn’t work that way and it’s simply not fair to treat them so preferentially.

The rudeness and ungratefulness is a big problem too - especially as your children are witnessing it happening and being accepted by their parents. They know they’re getting less (they do) and seeing the SC being ungrateful about getting far more.

It’s a very dysfunctional dynamic.

My DC aren’t materialistic at all. So, no, not all children are. I’ve met plenty that are but plenty that aren’t.
My DC would thank someone for a potato if it was given to them on Xmas day. It’s about how they’ve been raised.
It’s horrible that your DH is made to feel like that by his own children. They are of an age though that they can understand that not everyone has pots of money to splash out on fancy stuff at Xmas.

They're 6 & 4, I can remember having Christmas at home with DM then having to go over to not so DF and leave all my lovely things I hadn't had chance to play with yet, to be fair I was always an afterthought at DF and would get things that weren't specifically got for me. I just wanted to go home so quite possibly didn't seem grateful at that age either.
How soon after opening their gifts at home do you have them? Are they generally ungrateful at other times or Christmas and birthdays when they're made to do two?