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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex parent controlling and stopping contact

60 replies

Astonmarie · 15/09/2023 09:20

So my Bf who I have been with since the start of February has a 4 year old daughter. He didn't want us to meet instantly, just incase, but 3 or so months into our relationship he'd mention my name and call me his friend, then best friend- slowly introducing the idea of me to her . 4 months, he decides she is happy enough that we decide to go out as a 3, to the zoo as a first meeting for us, that way there are distractions and it isn't too overwhelming for her. His ex and her mum was fine with this .

Should I mention he only gets her every other Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.

However , now 7 nearly 8 months together he will be moving in with me. It was originally planned that him and his daughter would stay Friday night at his mums so she sees her too, then Saturday I would pick them up and she'd stay till Sunday and we'd drop her back home to her mum. Now things have changed as there won't be a bed at his mums for them once he moves out. He told his ex and said that it's out of his control but his daughter will spend both nights now with him, at our flat. His ex pulled the plug saying his daughter will no longer be coming over Friday and will not be staying over at all. He'll have to go there and only see his daughter for that Saturday.

His daughter has just started primary school and his ex claims he wasn't thinking about how overwhelming it would be for their daughter, when all he does is consider his daughter. She is his world and his first priority. He can't control the sleeping situation, he is jsut trying to make it work so he gets to see his daughter.

The ex is now demanding to meet me, as she claims my bf doesn't know me , and basically it's for her own anxiety as she doesn't know who is around her daughter.

While I understand the stranger anxiety, why is it coming up now and not when we planned for me to first meet their daughter 4 months ago. The daughter isn't living with us, just sleeping over 2 nights a fortnight, in my spare room that I have kitted out as her own bedroom, etc.

If I don't meet her then she is refusing for my bf to have their daughter on his weekends and He'll have to go to her house on the Saturday to see his daughter and she will demand its in her presence too.

May I mention that she had a bf for a bit and the daughter met him, in bed with her mum one night. That's how they first met and then the ex claims she stopped the relationship cos me and my bf where together and she said it was too much for his daughter.

His daughter is playing up, but she has been well before I was around, but also its expected when you just start school as its all unknown. But she is trying to blame me and she seems to think she is in the right to stop her daughter seeing her dad as much, thinking that'll solve it all.

My bf will always do what is best for his daughter hence slowly introducing me, I don't see her every time he has her as I say she needs time with just her dad too. But me and her have bonded really well

Any advice as I'm pulling my hair out.

She is manipulative, doesn't see what she is doing is wrong ,only everyone is wrong and she has to call the shots and have control otherwise its a no.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/09/2023 10:07

Chunkychips23 · 15/09/2023 11:27

It’s unfair of her to withhold contact unless she gets what she wants. But I can understand her wanting to meet you, as her child will be under your roof, who has only been in her life a few months.

I offered to meet with my DH’s ex prior to meeting the kids and then prior to moving in together. She said no, but I did put myself in her shoes and thought how I’d feel in that situation (turns out she’s nuts anyway and nothing would have helped).

She can’t demand that she meets you or else. Life doesn’t work like that and she’s not going to meet every person in her DD’s life that her ex knows.

When DH and I first moved in together, we rented somewhere new rather than moving into one of our current places. Like neutral fresh territory. That might make you feel more secure if your DP is sharing that rent/lease burden too?

The kids also didn’t stay with us initially either. They’d spend the day at our house, then he’d have them overnight at his mums (their grandparents) until we all got used to eachother and felt comfortable. Is that something that could be arranged in your situation? It’s a big change for children, but also for you too!

She's not witholding contact though she's still offering contact in a safe environment, she's just not offering overnights in a strangers house .

I wouldn't let a four year old sleep over at someone's house who I hadn't met.

But if the father has parental responsibility he can be the one to decide this even if it's a bad choice

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/09/2023 10:10

lunar1 · 15/09/2023 12:34

It's too much too soon and I'd be really concerned at my children staying with someone so new when they are this young.

Has your partner suggested getting a Claire's law disclosure? It's what I'd have done if my young children were being made to stay in someone else's house.

If he's really bothered he can take it to court.

I disagree with this advice - Claire's law should only be used if there is an actual red or pink flag of violence or abuse you shouldn't waste police time calling for everyone you go out with

If the ex p had serious reason to think that op is a child abuser she could do a Sarah's law request.

supersonicginandtonic · 17/09/2023 10:11

Oh this poor little girl, so not only have you not been together very long and are already moving in together, the little ones mother is having men stay over that the little one doesn't know. Neither of them are putting the little girl first. Dad should be staying living where he is until you all know each other better and mum should be having random men stay over when her daughter is at her dads.
Me and my partner both had kids when we got together. We'd been together 9 months before they even met. My partner met my ex and I met my step daughters mum. Thankfully we all get on well. We moved in together another 2 years later.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/09/2023 10:16

billy1966 · 17/09/2023 09:59

Excellent point, his own mother wants him out the door and is making sure he cannot return.

Of course this "disaster" is used as the perfect opportunity to rush moving in with you.

Text book loser behaviour to move in with the nearest mug that is so desperate for a boyfriend she will go along with it.

He's a complete loser and you are going to realise exactly this if you move in and then follow up this foolishness with the further stupidity of getting pregnant quickly to create your "own little family".

He will inevitably go along with this as a baby with tie you and your home to him.

Wake up to the fact you are sleep walking into a mess that you will bitterly regret.

I really encourage you to listen to this op, speaking from experience of someone who took in a homeless man because we were so in love and wanted to start a family!!! Look at my username

Skogrammy · 17/09/2023 11:45

He should think of his kid first instead which he hasn’t.

You have only been together a short amount of time. You all need to grow up.

MissyPea · 26/09/2023 20:43

adriftabroad · 15/09/2023 09:46

99% of posters think the mother is right.

99% of posters are probably/usually bitter exes looking to bash step parents.

MissyPea · 26/09/2023 20:57

My opinion, and I mean it well OP not being nasty, but why are you moving in a guy and his kid? I’d honestly suggest reading up on here about how this situation normally pans out and the struggles involved before handing over your home to this man and his daughter, and being his taxi. Put yourself first and protect yourself. If you’re happy to go forward after reading about the dramas then go ahead, but at least be aware as much as possible of what you could be in for and set your boundaries from the start.
Don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s going to be all happy families and birthday cakes. Too many men looking for a place to stay and a nanny/maid to do the work, with crazy exes trying to call the shots and abuse you and him at every opportunity. Its a minefield.

Firebug007 · 30/09/2023 09:08

woodyscowboyhat · 15/09/2023 09:32

I honestly don't see what she's doing wrong other than protecting her daughter. Her father is being irresponsible moving in with a woman he has only known 7 months when their is a little girl involved. It doesn't sound like she's stopping contact, just that she's asked for no overnights in a strange place whilst her daughter is unsettled. Starting school, her Dad moving out of her Grandmas and a new woman in her dads life is a lot all at once. It isn't unreasonable to what to limit the change/gradually introduce the change. Also asking to meet you before her child stays with you isn't unreasonable either. I'd have a think to see if being a step parent is for you and if this relationship is right. It doesn't sound like you fully understand having a child and what it's like to put them first.

It's none of the exes business what happens on dads time, where they live or who they see. If her daughter needs protection from her father there are channels to go down but trying to control an exes new relationship isn't protection it's abuse. This is what happens when you have a kid and split up, you lose that control over their life, sad but you make your life choices 🤷‍♀️

MeridianB · 30/09/2023 19:35

If BF”s mother wasn’t kicking him out would you have been kern to move in together so fast? I agree with PP that’s he sees your place as convenient and is thinking only of himself.

And while his ex cannot insist on where her DD stays when with the other parent, I can absolutely see her point of view here.

Too much, too fast. With a tiny child in the mix.

So maybe suggest he finds his own place to live instead and watch his reaction carefully to learn everything you need to know about his motives and values.

Spacecowboys · 30/09/2023 19:44

Far too soon. After seven months I wouldn’t expect a new gf/bf to have even been introduced to a 4 year old, much less be living with them during contact time. Just shocking.

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