Ex parent controlling and stopping contact

[Astonmarie]

So my Bf who I have been with since the start of February has a 4 year old daughter. He didn't want us to meet instantly, just incase, but 3 or so months into our relationship he'd mention my name and call me his friend, then best friend- slowly introducing the idea of me to her . 4 months, he decides she is happy enough that we decide to go out as a 3, to the zoo as a first meeting for us, that way there are distractions and it isn't too overwhelming for her. His ex and her mum was fine with this .

Should I mention he only gets her every other Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.

However , now 7 nearly 8 months together he will be moving in with me. It was originally planned that him and his daughter would stay Friday night at his mums so she sees her too, then Saturday I would pick them up and she'd stay till Sunday and we'd drop her back home to her mum. Now things have changed as there won't be a bed at his mums for them once he moves out. He told his ex and said that it's out of his control but his daughter will spend both nights now with him, at our flat. His ex pulled the plug saying his daughter will no longer be coming over Friday and will not be staying over at all. He'll have to go there and only see his daughter for that Saturday.

His daughter has just started primary school and his ex claims he wasn't thinking about how overwhelming it would be for their daughter, when all he does is consider his daughter. She is his world and his first priority. He can't control the sleeping situation, he is jsut trying to make it work so he gets to see his daughter.

The ex is now demanding to meet me, as she claims my bf doesn't know me , and basically it's for her own anxiety as she doesn't know who is around her daughter.

While I understand the stranger anxiety, why is it coming up now and not when we planned for me to first meet their daughter 4 months ago. The daughter isn't living with us, just sleeping over 2 nights a fortnight, in my spare room that I have kitted out as her own bedroom, etc.

If I don't meet her then she is refusing for my bf to have their daughter on his weekends and He'll have to go to her house on the Saturday to see his daughter and she will demand its in her presence too.

May I mention that she had a bf for a bit and the daughter met him, in bed with her mum one night. That's how they first met and then the ex claims she stopped the relationship cos me and my bf where together and she said it was too much for his daughter.

His daughter is playing up, but she has been well before I was around, but also its expected when you just start school as its all unknown. But she is trying to blame me and she seems to think she is in the right to stop her daughter seeing her dad as much, thinking that'll solve it all.

My bf will always do what is best for his daughter hence slowly introducing me, I don't see her every time he has her as I say she needs time with just her dad too. But me and her have bonded really well

Any advice as I'm pulling my hair out.

She is manipulative, doesn't see what she is doing is wrong ,only everyone is wrong and she has to call the shots and have control otherwise its a no.

I don't agree with her insisting on meeting you or threatening contact, but honestly besides that she does have a point. You think you have taken it slow but actually you haven't - moving in together after 7 months is not slow, it's pretty fast. And she's right that it's terrible timing with her DD starting school.

You also should be thinking about yourself here - do you have experience of step parenting? It all looks like a recipe for disaster when you do, he is getting a lot out of this and you will be putting up with a lot. There is a lot that comes with step parenting that grates on you more and more over time - behavioural issues from the child and an antagonistic ex, on top of just generally putting up with a man and his child taking over your house, are all things that will likely frustrate you more and more over time. It's a terrible idea even just from your perspective to make permanent steps like moving in together with a single dad while you are still loved up in the honeymoon period and likely to overlook these things.

‘She is his world’

Clearly she isn’t. He has her for two nights every 14 days and was planning on giving one of those nights to his mother so he would have her 24 nights a year.

What age are you both?

Mumsnet rules are you can't meet your partners child until they are 22 or you've been together 12 years, whichever comes soonest....keep up OP.

Your partner can go to court and get a Child Arrangement Order so that his days can't be taken away and so that he is not forced to spend contact at his ex's house. As a man who claims that his dd is his world, he doesn't seem to have her very much- every other weekend and half of school holidays is a common pattern to have. Pretty shocking that he had 52 overnights a year but gave his mum 26 overnights when he claims that his dd is his world.

Moving in when you have a child should be a different slower timeline compared to moving in when childless. It's a massive red flag that he never had his dd without a woman (his mum and now you) supporting him. Don't end up that partner who is doing all the parenting and enabling him to be lazy. I don't doubt that he loves his dd but this is yet another example of how low the bar is when it comes to men and parenting.

It’s unfair of her to withhold contact unless she gets what she wants. But I can understand her wanting to meet you, as her child will be under your roof, who has only been in her life a few months.

I offered to meet with my DH’s ex prior to meeting the kids and then prior to moving in together. She said no, but I did put myself in her shoes and thought how I’d feel in that situation (turns out she’s nuts anyway and nothing would have helped).

She can’t demand that she meets you or else. Life doesn’t work like that and she’s not going to meet every person in her DD’s life that her ex knows.

When DH and I first moved in together, we rented somewhere new rather than moving into one of our current places. Like neutral fresh territory. That might make you feel more secure if your DP is sharing that rent/lease burden too?

The kids also didn’t stay with us initially either. They’d spend the day at our house, then he’d have them overnight at his mums (their grandparents) until we all got used to eachother and felt comfortable. Is that something that could be arranged in your situation? It’s a big change for children, but also for you too!

Sounds you're about to take on two children in less time than a pregnancy lasts.

Don't do it.

@Chunkychips23 the OP has said that the bedroom at his mum's house is disappearing when he moves in with the OP.

Do you wonder why?

I didn’t read that properly, baby brain. Nah, that’s a red flag for me right there! That doesn’t make much sense at all. Either his mum is sick of him, or he’s maybe being dramatic!

I haven’t lived at my Mum’s in a lifetime, but I’ll always have a room there. I could pop down now and ask to stay and there would be space for me. Granted I’d have to climb over all the crap she’s stored in my old bedroom 😂

My DH had his kids stay over with him at his Mums for years every now and then, even when he got back on his feet post divorce and had his own place, because his Mum loved having them all stay.

OP - be careful here. If your partner wants to move in together, look at getting a place together or if you’re renting, both names and financial responsibility to paying bills! Also set expectations in regards to child care and your boundaries before you move in!

It's too much too soon and I'd be really concerned at my children staying with someone so new when they are this young.

Has your partner suggested getting a Claire's law disclosure? It's what I'd have done if my young children were being made to stay in someone else's house.

If he's really bothered he can take it to court.

This is all way too soon.

Ive learned to stay out of Ex and partners business. Too much emotion involved between partners to ever understand situations.

At the end of the day both partners accounts will be biased. So the honest truth of whose in the wrong or the reasoning will never be obvious ir clear cut.

I always see both perspectives, as a mother you do get fiercely over protective, you may do the wrong thing, or over step the boundary but usually its with the right intentions. Same situation for some dads.
Or sometimes people are selfish. But takes a long time to see the truth and break down pretence.
Go with the flow, see what transpires and in time you will see.

But how long was he with his mum? Why? That concerns me slightly. I wouldnt want to be the option or back up plan.

Is this it OP? Was this his idea?

So he is moving in with you because…..his mum has had enough?

Why the rush to move in? Both of you should have enough sense to know it’s too soon with a child involved.

You say he does what’s best for his daughter including introducing you slowly…..except he didn’t introduce you slowly.

and why did you kit out her bedroom? Why didn’t he?

I suspect you are letting a piss taker move in with you?

How many women has he introduced to her since they split?

Why would you decorate a bedroom for a child you've met 5 or 6 times and want to play happy families living with them on weekends? Are you so keen to impress your boyfriend or is he keen to have a place to live?

Why the rush to live together?

Irs too quick and his ex was fine before the living together arrangement.

He's only thinking about whats good for himself...not his daughter.

From mentioning you... to friend.. to best friend... not living together.

He needs to slow down.

The alarm bells are for the ex as the child is starting school, new second home at the same time. I am sorry but it is way too soon for the child to be living and yes she will be living with you every second weekend.

Way too soon. 'Me and her have bonded really well' this sentence alone stands out to me. No you haven't bonded well, you barely know each other.

I don't think it's fair for you to call mum manipulative, she's acting in the best interests of her child - and it's a bloody good job she is because dad seems to be putting your relationship before their child.

Mum is probably only asking to meet you now (instead of when you were first introduced) as now her child is going to be staying with you, instead of just seeing you for a couple of hours at the zoo.

The poor little girl is moving out of nan's house, in to dads gfs house, starting school.. it's too much at once for such a small child.

As for meeting up, why don't you want to? If you've got the child's best interests at heart, and meeting mum will reassure her, I don't see why you wouldn't? Of course you don't have to, but if she's a reasonable lady I would.

Mum isn't stopping contact, she's (sensibly) saying that she doesn't want her daughter staying with a stranger two days a week. I'd imagine that, as time goes on, she'll be comfortable and allow those overnights - but right now, it's not in the best interests of the child.

Why are you moving in together so soon? 7 months is no time at all really. Why can nan no longer fit a bed for the child in her house?

Overall, dad needs to speak to a mediator/solicitor and get an arrangement drawn up with regards to contact (so that mum can't chop and change whenever) but he also needs to carefully consider his child's needs in all of this.

How will you feel if you have a baby, break up and then the baby goes to stay whole weekends with a woman who has seen her 5 times?

Because it's in your future honey. He is a shit dad who doesn't take his childs emotions seriously and doesn't put his family unit first. If he did he would give the child a stable home. You want to be a stepmum? Bonded well? Can you promiss to stay for the next 20 years then to give the child stability? Or do you see that a relationship of less than a year is too soon to decide that?

Sorry but I’d be very concerned if I was your bfs ex. I say this as both a parent and a step parent.

Your post reads as your bf (of less than a year) needs somewhere to live and you happen to have space so him (and his daughter during her days that she lives with him) will be moving in. This isn’t a stable situation for a 4 year old. He (not his new gf) need to address his and his daughter’s housing needs. There’s no reason why you can’t continue your relationship and look to live together in the future.

On a side note, I’d pay careful attention to how much effort he makes if his ex does attempt to stop overnight contact if he moves in with you. Does he start court proceedings and try to address his housing needs so that he can continue to have a ongoing relationship with his child, or does he simply say that he is no longer seeing his child due to a “controlling ex” and then move on and start thinking about having children with you?

This.

You don't know him 5 minutes and you are moving him in.

Poor child.

Clearly 2 days a fortnight she most certainly is not his priority.

Moving from his mothers, conveniently into yours?

That's some non prize you picked up there.

You sound absolutely desperate pulling your hair out about a situation that you shouldn't be involved with at all.

No wonder that child is playing up with all the adults around her putting their love lives far ahead of whats best for her.

He should be getting his own place, but clearly finding the first solvent woman with a house was easier.

Wake up, you are being used.

I was a single mum and also I am a step mum so here goes.

I think the ex’s response is very common. Remember that she knows your DP better than you do and there is a reason she mistrusts him. It’s not really all that sensible to cut your nose off to spite your face in terms of giving yourself zero free time by saying your child can’t visit their father, just because you feel like being controlling or a bitch. Ask yourself really what the ex gains from this. She’s looking for stability for her child and being at grandmas was working well. Now that’s changing she is worried. It is a lot for a small child to suddenly have a completely new home and new step mum within the same year, it’s clearly only been since Jan/Feb you have been around and look you are providing this guy with a home and everything. Why didn’t he get his own home on his own? You aren’t moving in together, he’s moving from his mums into yours. His mum is scrapping his bedroom immediately! Perhaps she is sick of doing all the childcare? Have you asked her? Does she do all the cooking and cleaning? Will this now be your job?

going to the zoo is nice and all that but the reality of every day life is much harder than that. This will take time and 3/4 months isn’t really enough time. Have you really seen him taking care of his child, for real? Don’t jump into this role too fast, it isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Take your time and step back. This isn’t your fight he’s got to sort this out for himself, he’s got to earn her trust

No I don’t think you have to meet this woman I am not sure what she’s expecting but she’s likely worried it won’t last long and it will affect her DD. Her dad should be providing what you are providing can you see that?

Why doesn't your BF just stay living at his Mum's for a bit longer?
Otherwise, he can afford to buy a bed for his mother's place and keep the arrangement where his little girl stays there with him for two nights per fortnight.
I would wait until you have a committed relationship of a number of years before having his daughter move in.

Excellent point, his own mother wants him out the door and is making sure he cannot return.

Of course this "disaster" is used as the perfect opportunity to rush moving in with you.

Text book loser behaviour to move in with the nearest mug that is so desperate for a boyfriend she will go along with it.

He's a complete loser and you are going to realise exactly this if you move in and then follow up this foolishness with the further stupidity of getting pregnant quickly to create your "own little family".

He will inevitably go along with this as a baby with tie you and your home to him.

Wake up to the fact you are sleep walking into a mess that you will bitterly regret.

Or op will get pregnant and be stuck

No, meet (like a day at the zoo) is very different from moving in together. The child's 'other' home with her dad will now be a home belonging to a strange lady who 'seems nice but I thought they were just friends? '