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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex parent controlling and stopping contact

60 replies

Astonmarie · 15/09/2023 09:20

So my Bf who I have been with since the start of February has a 4 year old daughter. He didn't want us to meet instantly, just incase, but 3 or so months into our relationship he'd mention my name and call me his friend, then best friend- slowly introducing the idea of me to her . 4 months, he decides she is happy enough that we decide to go out as a 3, to the zoo as a first meeting for us, that way there are distractions and it isn't too overwhelming for her. His ex and her mum was fine with this .

Should I mention he only gets her every other Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.

However , now 7 nearly 8 months together he will be moving in with me. It was originally planned that him and his daughter would stay Friday night at his mums so she sees her too, then Saturday I would pick them up and she'd stay till Sunday and we'd drop her back home to her mum. Now things have changed as there won't be a bed at his mums for them once he moves out. He told his ex and said that it's out of his control but his daughter will spend both nights now with him, at our flat. His ex pulled the plug saying his daughter will no longer be coming over Friday and will not be staying over at all. He'll have to go there and only see his daughter for that Saturday.

His daughter has just started primary school and his ex claims he wasn't thinking about how overwhelming it would be for their daughter, when all he does is consider his daughter. She is his world and his first priority. He can't control the sleeping situation, he is jsut trying to make it work so he gets to see his daughter.

The ex is now demanding to meet me, as she claims my bf doesn't know me , and basically it's for her own anxiety as she doesn't know who is around her daughter.

While I understand the stranger anxiety, why is it coming up now and not when we planned for me to first meet their daughter 4 months ago. The daughter isn't living with us, just sleeping over 2 nights a fortnight, in my spare room that I have kitted out as her own bedroom, etc.

If I don't meet her then she is refusing for my bf to have their daughter on his weekends and He'll have to go to her house on the Saturday to see his daughter and she will demand its in her presence too.

May I mention that she had a bf for a bit and the daughter met him, in bed with her mum one night. That's how they first met and then the ex claims she stopped the relationship cos me and my bf where together and she said it was too much for his daughter.

His daughter is playing up, but she has been well before I was around, but also its expected when you just start school as its all unknown. But she is trying to blame me and she seems to think she is in the right to stop her daughter seeing her dad as much, thinking that'll solve it all.

My bf will always do what is best for his daughter hence slowly introducing me, I don't see her every time he has her as I say she needs time with just her dad too. But me and her have bonded really well

Any advice as I'm pulling my hair out.

She is manipulative, doesn't see what she is doing is wrong ,only everyone is wrong and she has to call the shots and have control otherwise its a no.

OP posts:
fairyfluf · 15/09/2023 09:29

The daughter isn't living with us, just sleeping over 2 nights a fortnight, in my spare room that I have kitted out as her own bedroom, etc. yes she is. She'll be living with you. That's how it works.

Imo it's WAY too soon. But it's none of her business.

woodyscowboyhat · 15/09/2023 09:32

I honestly don't see what she's doing wrong other than protecting her daughter. Her father is being irresponsible moving in with a woman he has only known 7 months when their is a little girl involved. It doesn't sound like she's stopping contact, just that she's asked for no overnights in a strange place whilst her daughter is unsettled. Starting school, her Dad moving out of her Grandmas and a new woman in her dads life is a lot all at once. It isn't unreasonable to what to limit the change/gradually introduce the change. Also asking to meet you before her child stays with you isn't unreasonable either. I'd have a think to see if being a step parent is for you and if this relationship is right. It doesn't sound like you fully understand having a child and what it's like to put them first.

MrsGuySecretan · 15/09/2023 09:32

What's your problem with meeting her?

Fiddlerdragon · 15/09/2023 09:33

He’s not put his daughter first in any part of this at all.

Whattodo112222 · 15/09/2023 09:34

Sorry. Way too soon OP!

Reugny · 15/09/2023 09:34

Your DP needs to instigate mediation asap and draw up a Parenting Plan. Yes it will cost him money but if he sorts it out now, if she is "normal" it will stop further crap down the line.

It is legally not up to his ex whether she meets every one of his girlfriends, any of his relations and close friends that she doesn't know who the child may stay over with while in his care.

Also talking from experience I would not let him move in with you until he has sorted out access to his child. In fact until he shows he can look after his child while living on his own do not let him live with you.

Reugny · 15/09/2023 09:36

MrsGuySecretan · 15/09/2023 09:32

What's your problem with meeting her?

The OP has no business in meeting her.

They aren't dating one another, and it won't prove that whether the OP is a child abuser.

Reugny · 15/09/2023 09:37

woodyscowboyhat · 15/09/2023 09:32

I honestly don't see what she's doing wrong other than protecting her daughter. Her father is being irresponsible moving in with a woman he has only known 7 months when their is a little girl involved. It doesn't sound like she's stopping contact, just that she's asked for no overnights in a strange place whilst her daughter is unsettled. Starting school, her Dad moving out of her Grandmas and a new woman in her dads life is a lot all at once. It isn't unreasonable to what to limit the change/gradually introduce the change. Also asking to meet you before her child stays with you isn't unreasonable either. I'd have a think to see if being a step parent is for you and if this relationship is right. It doesn't sound like you fully understand having a child and what it's like to put them first.

I disagree with all this.

However I have an issue with the father as you can see from one of my previous posts.

midnightblue12 · 15/09/2023 09:37

Waaaayyyyy too soon. I'd be absolutely mortified if my ex had my children living at his GF after just 7 months.
I'm glad you both feel comfortable and happy to do this at this point but in what part are you thinking of the child? Why would she be comfortable with this? Why does she loose time just with her dad?
The only people you've thought of in this situation is the two of you.

adriftabroad · 15/09/2023 09:39

You are moving in together after 7 months?

The mother is being totally reasonable. FAR to soon for you to be involved in any way whatsoever. She is so little. So many changes.

"Shes his world" give me a break. You sound very young/niave.

misssunshine4040 · 15/09/2023 09:40

What is this guy bringing to your life ? Why does he need to move in with your after 7 months? Why are you picking him up from his mums?
Now you are saddled with his drama.
You shouldn't be modifying your home for child you have known less that a year.
The mum is well within her rights to be concerned.

Look at your best interests

adriftabroad · 15/09/2023 09:41

Also, he basically had nowhere to live independantly. Did he?

KitchenSinkLlama · 15/09/2023 09:42

All too soon OP when a small child is involved.

SheilaFentiman · 15/09/2023 09:42

OP

There are mothers who wouldn’t want their 4 year old going on a play date unless they had met the parents. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to want to meet you.

it matters more now as before this, you wouldn’t have been alone with the DD, only seeing her with your BF, but if she is living with you EOW, there will be times that this happens.

Are you ok to meet her?

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 15/09/2023 09:44

I would suggest maybe slowing things down a bit. If you aren't comfortable meeting ex that's a red flag that there's going to be more trouble further down the road. Give this relationship more time to develop before taking this huge step. For all involved, including yourself. Honestly getting caught up in all this crap as an outsider is no fun and sounds like it will only escalate. If your boyfriend is serious about you he will do the responsible thing and take the time to get things right with his daughter and work through these concerns his ex has. What's the rush?

Also please think about what a huge change this is for his daughter. Even if you get on well and have taken things slowly etc. don't rush things now, if it's meant to be it will be.

zozueme · 15/09/2023 09:45

His ex has the right to express her views but not to reduce contact or demand to meet you.

However I'd be unhappy in her situation too.

adriftabroad · 15/09/2023 09:46

99% of posters think the mother is right.

Pizzanight · 15/09/2023 09:48

Legally, the EX cannot stop you but I fully agree with her. Your DP introducing you after only a few months and moving in with you so soon shows he has little regard for his daughters safety. It's very soon OP, you've said he's moving from his mums. Be careful he's not a cocklodger or lining you up as a babysitter.

SheilaFentiman · 15/09/2023 09:49

I also don’t think your BF has taken it very slowly. The DD is 4 - her moving in with you EOW and him moving in 3-4 months after she first met you is really not a very long time!

Reugny · 15/09/2023 09:56

Be careful he's not a cocklodger or lining you up as a babysitter.

@Pizzanight He seems to be doing both.

He's never lived on his own while he's had his child. There is always a woman in the background e.g. his mum, the OP.

While it isn't nice small children can share rooms for short periods with adults as parents do this on holiday, so there is absolutely no reason why he can't live on his own.

OP go through this part of the forum and read the threads on the difficulties some SM have due to doing what you are doing.

Laurdo · 15/09/2023 10:05

Reugny · 15/09/2023 09:34

Your DP needs to instigate mediation asap and draw up a Parenting Plan. Yes it will cost him money but if he sorts it out now, if she is "normal" it will stop further crap down the line.

It is legally not up to his ex whether she meets every one of his girlfriends, any of his relations and close friends that she doesn't know who the child may stay over with while in his care.

Also talking from experience I would not let him move in with you until he has sorted out access to his child. In fact until he shows he can look after his child while living on his own do not let him live with you.

I agree with all of this. Soooo many threads on here of men moving in with GFs and the GF been landed with all the childcare, washing and cooking because it turns out dad doesn't actually know how to parent his child. Or he's a Disney dad, there's no boundaries or discipline and the kid runs riot.

Why can't he get his own place? He's living with his mum and is now moving in with you after 8 months? That would be a red flag for me. How long has he been separated from the ex?

My DH and I moved in together after 8 months but I'd known him 20 years and he had his own place before we got together. I got to see how he ran a house and parented his kids. We bought a house jointly.

I can see why the ex might be a bit concerned, but ultimately it's none of her business how he shows up to parent and who he has in his DD's life. He needs to get a proper parenting plan in place and if necessary a court order so she can't just move the goalposts whenever she doesn't like something.

There's also no requirement for you to meet her.

Laurdo · 15/09/2023 10:10

Reugny · 15/09/2023 09:56

Be careful he's not a cocklodger or lining you up as a babysitter.

@Pizzanight He seems to be doing both.

He's never lived on his own while he's had his child. There is always a woman in the background e.g. his mum, the OP.

While it isn't nice small children can share rooms for short periods with adults as parents do this on holiday, so there is absolutely no reason why he can't live on his own.

OP go through this part of the forum and read the threads on the difficulties some SM have due to doing what you are doing.

Don't forget a chauffeur! This man's got it made!

Goldbar · 15/09/2023 10:10

Why are you so eager to become his unpaid nanny as well as housing him?

I would back right away from moving this relationship forward until he has shown he can function as an adult and a parent independently.

What will probably happen (sorry to be blunt) is that he will offload the child onto you, you'll enjoy playing at 'happy families' for a bit, you'll end up taking on more and more of his responsibilities and eventually you'll get resentful and end the relationship.

adriftabroad · 15/09/2023 10:18

... or get pregnant and be posting on here when, a few months after chucking him out your PFB is staying with some random woman who calls you controlling.

00deed1988 · 15/09/2023 10:32

I met my DSS after a couple of weeks (My DH was a full-time single dad so didn't have much free time) we were engaged after 3 months and living and married a year later. Yes it all moved very quickly (10 years later still together so thankfully worked for us).

Anyway, my DSS mother had made my life hell, reported me to SS with all sorts of false accusations, she had minimal supervised contact with my DSS. Yet when it came to us moving in together we all still met up without my DSS to discuss the future. To discuss our roles and boundaries so that everyone was 'happy'. I thought that as much as I didn't like her (and I had genuine reason to) and I didn't think she was a good mother, she was still his mother and it must hurt to see another woman taking on part of that role and it would benefit my DSS for us to sit down like adults and discuss it. It actually went surprisingly well. Unfortunately the long term plan didn't work and she now hasn't seen him for 8 years but I think that initial meeting was sensible.

Obviously you don't have to but when you get with someone who has a child, the other parent will be in your life to some extent too and if you can find a way to manage that, I don't see the harm!