DP has 2DC age 7 and 9. I have teenage DC age 15 and 17. We have lived together a year.
The youngest SD7 tends to be a frustrated stroppy tantrummer sometimes when she doesn’t get her own way but that’s dealt with quite well by DP. SD is also receptive to me helping out with this and we have made good progress with managing angry feelings like breathing exercises and understanding emotions. She also sometimes does have to do a time out to calm down and she will then understand why. SD loves my older DC and vice versa and has a warm relationship with them. SD is very helpful and considerate and will listen if you give her an explanation why she can’t do something.
DP’s eldest DC 9 doesn’t listen to anything anyone says, almost ever. You can say the DC’s name loudly, or go over and physically tap him on the shoulder, make eye contact and DC will just carry on with whatever they will doing. Even if you explain why they need to stop, they often wont stop unless physically removed. Or often they will stop until you aren’t looking and start doing it again. At the same time they never do anything you ask either (normal every day things).
DP will end up shouting at him out of frustration after plenty of warnings. DP is pretty much constantly tearing his hair out. SS is NT and intelligent and has no hearing problems. DP is always teaching about consent and other peoples feelings so it’s not like he isn’t trying. I also find myself getting very frustrated and often I have to leave the room because I know I am getting worked up when SS isn’t listening to me or anyone else.
My DC avoid SS9 as they say he is intensely annoying, as he won’t stop doing things when you say ‘no’ or ‘stop’. This can be physical acts too like touching, grabbing, tickling or teasing or trying to get into DC rooms. Last week he made them all upset by thinking it was funny to pretend to be trying to throw a big spider at them even when everyone told him to stop doing it, he had to be physically carried away and DP shouted at him in the end. They don’t like spending time with him, which is sad but I never force it and actively have to prevent him annoying them.
SS also never does anything you ask so will need to be told over and over to put shoes on, move out of the way or basically any daily tasks take 100 times longer as he talks and faffs so much and pretty much everything is on his terms so we are always late everywhere and frazzled.
IMO this feels like subtle controlling behaviour. by not doing what you ask, they are controlling the narrative, you will end up doing the job instead as it’s taking so long. With not listening to people who don’t consent, it’s cos it’s his agenda and it’s something he wants and he doesn’t WANT to stop. When you ask him why, he will just say he didn’t want to stop touching someone, he was just playing so he didn’t, or he doesn’t want to help out, so he isn’t going to.
I know he’s just a child and I have to keep telling myself that. He doesn’t seem to have good socialisation skills so a lot of his grabby behaviour is his way of playing. He plays with animals in the same clumsy, rough way and pays no heed to their body language either if they try to desperately escape him. I feel bad for him he’s constantly getting told off, it’s a stressful environment at times we just don’t know how to get him to learn.
At the DC’s mothers house, the step father has put in an extremely strict routine with a lot of rules. But SS9 is the golden child and apparently ‘never told off’ (according to them both) which upsets and SD7 as she feels like she is always getting told off. Their mum spends time gently explaining things to SS9 and he kinds of gets a hair ruffle and a pat on the head and she speaks to DP about things as if SS9 is still 3yo and still learning boundaries. Even DP’s parents are beyond frustrated with SS9 not listening to them either.
Apparently he is not like this at school or his DM’s (according to her anyway) but this can’t just be about me, as he’s been like this with DP when we didn’t even live together it’s just not getting better and he’s the same with his grandparents.
I’ve told DP I am considering moving out as it’s not fair on my DC to live like this with another child who invades their privacy and disrespects their boundaries on such a frequent basis. DP is not like this at all so it’s not something DP can change about himself to set a good example. I feel he needs some intervention but where do you start?