AIBU?

[ridingsolo]

My husband and I have my two step children 8 and 11 overnight once every two weeks (he gets them an additional three times a week, monday Wednesday afternoon after school or all day during holidays and every Sunday. So we see a lot of them. However I find the overnights completely overwhelming, it doesn't help that we only have a 2 bed property so they have bunk beds in my 2 yo sons room, he loves his half siblings but it disrupts his sleep (and theirs) no end.
I get anxiety before an over night, it's the disruption and the mess, they obviously have to bring all their stuff and the house seems turned upside down (not their fault)
I'm feeling such anxiety about this disruption that I'm tempted to ask my DH if I can spend that night at my mums, she's a widower that lives around 40 mins away and dotes on her grandson and has two spare rooms, one with a travel cot.
I'm nervous about asking as my DH has gotten upset before about my 'reluctance to join family life' with him and his DC. He might also have the argument that his DC have the right to bond together as a family. On the other hand if I go myself (not as happy with this as although it gives me a break it still disturbs my sons sleep) he'll say I'm opting out! AIBU? Thoughts please?

Why did you have a child together when the house you have was already too small 🤦🏼‍♀️
I feel sorry for all these children, not just the step-children. Poor kids

I think if the siblings get along well and the father is saying he'd really like the OP to be involved, it's a tricky one.

Second marriages have a high breakdown rate.

So yes, it's perfectly possible to say, 'I don't like having my stepchildren sleeping over one night in 14 and I am going to remove myself and my child. I'm going to prioritise seeing my Mum then.'

But that's quite a splitting thing to do. It's saying, 'There's one unit which is my 'blood family'. (My Mum. My son.) There's another unit which is the optional connections. 'My partner and his two.'

If you're committing to the latter unit, then you try to work things out. By talking to your partner, and possibly to your stepchildren as well. Trying to work with the difficulties of how you share limited space.

That seems a more adult thing to do than saying, 'This is making me anxious so I'm going back to Mum's place.'

OP thinks that seeing their Dad for 2-3 hours for tea and 8 hours ish on a Sunday plus one overnight every two weeks is plenty. There in lies a big problem.
That in most kids lives is not a lot.

She resents their presence on the weekdays because of clearing up - get DP to do it then
She resents her toddler being disturbed by his siblings
She resents their presence in the house
She resents their stuff

This is not a DP issue other than him clearing up - this is OPs problem.

Explaining to children may work but then what - OP is not their with their sibling because he goes to bed at 1800ish and she wants him settled at her Mums. They will not be stupid - with that much resentment festering over their presence in their DFs house they will pick up on it.

OP I suggest you have some counselling or separate from your DP because he is obviously making as much effort as possible to parent his children and they are not leaving his life any time soon.

Sad situation but the OP is the one behaving poorly - no one else in this equation

I agree with all of those comments. I get the need to have a break, but having a break on just the night your step children are there sends out lots of wrong messages……

Why not have a break any other time? It’s purely because (it’s sounds like?!) you don’t want any thing to do with them.

You knew there was a small space before you had a child with him, so not sure what you were expecting. That room Is not just your DS but all those three DS’s room. If it is causing anxiety and sleep distribution to
your toddler then discuss it as a family how you can make it better for everyone. It shouldn’t be just him and his kids and then your perfect little bubble. That can’t exist i’m afraid. His kids arnt going anywhere and rightly so. I think, if you can’t imagine in including them to your family unit or working this out together, then you arnt really a family and you should go your seperate ways and just lived separately. Maybe move into your mums?

If you wanted the easy life you should have gone with someone without any kids or a much bigger house that can provide for your needs.

I don't get the issue. You see them twice or more a week.

Weekend they stay, you do things with them on Saturday, leave around 5pm to go your mum, come back Sunday say 1-2pm so you are together again.

Sorted!

God I wonder that the comments would be like if it was a mum (removing the word step) doing all the childcare of all her children and squeezed tightly into one house and having issue with her mental asking to go to her mums for a break ?

Would the comments be better ... 🤔 probably not. People have lasered in on op being a wicked step mother but have been ignoring the fact dad - the father of all the children is doing 0 of the child care and op should have expected that because this man has kids.

Not all dads leave their wives to burn out and complain if they need to tag out. But you can see why the majority too because women reenforce that narrative it's totally ok to push all the women work on to the women because they are married.

I actually think that contact time is for the step children to see their dad and ops solution is rather sensible for the DSc, op and her dc. It's not like the children are getting any sleep and it's not like op won't be around the 4/3 days they come to stay.

Let's not all pretend dads a complete dickhead though for having them to stay for dinner 3/4 nights a week but not staying overnight (that it doesn't count). There have been multiple threads on here with mums saying dad isn't allowed to have the dc more overnight as it effects the maintenance.

These threads are boringly reliable as the same old horse shit comes out, it's almost as if it doesn't matter what op posts... sigh

Also on this case I do think dads a shit head but not because of the contact timing 3/4days after school for dinner and a night at the weekend - because chances are it's set up like that for monetary reasons.

I think dads a shit head for guilting op for needing to take a break. And I would say this to any mum or in this case step mum.

Ops a human in her own right.

@namechangnancy he's always had them once a fortnight and he says in hindsight he realises it's because of CMS, having them once a fortnight over night is the same as never having them, he also pays high maintenance and does ALL the pick up and drop offs. His ex wouldn't know where we lived unless her kids took her to the door. He also does tea and bath so they literally go straight up to bed, she often gets him to go up with them at hers, so she doesn't even see them as she's out on her horse or some such

It might be set up like that because there is no space for his DCS - OP is resenting one night - if they truly did one day in the week and EOW then the situation would be even worse.

I must hvae missed the bit where she said her DP did nothing for the DCS and left it all to her - happy to be corrected but still think the message this sends out is not great.

He used to live in a three bed, still the same, this house comes with a job.
He does all the child care for DSC but no domestic chores...cleaning.

And I do pretty much all the child care for our son, he wouldn't know where his sock drawer is and the only time he is left fully in care with him is if I manage to escape on a Sunday (rarely) to do my hobby

The sort out your joint DC child care sharing which would probably help your frame of mind

It might be an idea to go to your mum's and leave all 3 with their dad. DS can sleep in your bed and your OH can sleep on the couch. That way he can get used to parenting all the kids without relying on you and you can get the break you need. Also leaving DS won't give the impression that you're purely escaping the DSC.

Maybe he's so reluctant for you to leave because he dreads the thought of having to parent on his own.

Why did you leave a 3 bed for a 2 bed?

I think you tending to your son, and the father only tending to 2 of his kids but not the 3rd seems strange? Would he not drop of pick up ect 3rd son? Only the other 2?

If it was me once a month say or every so often visit your mum with your LO. I think a bit of 1:1 time film night will be nice regardless of reasoning.

On the nights your all there i would make him get up..i mean once every 2 weeks, im sure he can sacrifice the odd night sleep.

Also sofa bed? Honestly they are so comfy nowadays. I have one for when my DH snores haha

Yeah he has a bit of a cheek saying OP has a reluctance to join family life when he does fuck all for his youngest DS.

If it's affecting your mental health and you're getting anxiety I'd say it's not working and you need to make changes because it's not worth it

The house is too small for the arrangement to be sustainable.
Put your two year old to sleep in your room a couple of times in one week so that he is used to it. Then have him sleep in your room when his siblings are staying.
Or can the extra guests sleep in your room and you and DH on a sofa bed? This would leave your very young child sleeping well.
If your child continues to have a disrupted sleep then I would visit your mother with him until he is old enough to cope with sharing a room however I would make sure your child spends at least one full day with his siblings.

It will get better when you have a larger house.