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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU?

68 replies

ridingsolo · 02/09/2023 15:23

My husband and I have my two step children 8 and 11 overnight once every two weeks (he gets them an additional three times a week, monday Wednesday afternoon after school or all day during holidays and every Sunday. So we see a lot of them. However I find the overnights completely overwhelming, it doesn't help that we only have a 2 bed property so they have bunk beds in my 2 yo sons room, he loves his half siblings but it disrupts his sleep (and theirs) no end.
I get anxiety before an over night, it's the disruption and the mess, they obviously have to bring all their stuff and the house seems turned upside down (not their fault)
I'm feeling such anxiety about this disruption that I'm tempted to ask my DH if I can spend that night at my mums, she's a widower that lives around 40 mins away and dotes on her grandson and has two spare rooms, one with a travel cot.
I'm nervous about asking as my DH has gotten upset before about my 'reluctance to join family life' with him and his DC. He might also have the argument that his DC have the right to bond together as a family. On the other hand if I go myself (not as happy with this as although it gives me a break it still disturbs my sons sleep) he'll say I'm opting out! AIBU? Thoughts please?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

jallopeno · 02/09/2023 15:42

As a one off sure fine why not!

Original poster

ridingsolo · 02/09/2023 15:47

No, not a one off, regularly

OP posts:

namechange55465 · 02/09/2023 15:51

Can DS sleep in with you for that night if it's causing problems? DH can sleep on the sofa?

Part of the problem is that they're there so little tbh and it's causing you to feel out of your normal routine. My DSC doesn't bring anything with them as they have stuff at both houses.

Original poster

ridingsolo · 02/09/2023 15:56

@namechange55465 but that would still disrupt his sleep, it's with someone else when normally he's by himself. I think it's the noises and sensing another person there

OP posts:

LaGiaconda · 02/09/2023 15:57

I think you need to make more of an effort for your partner's sake to accept his children.

You seem to be seeing them in terms of disruption and mess, rather than as young people your husband loves and as siblings to your own child.

I get that the sleeping arrangements aren't ideal, but this is one night in 14. Perhaps bringing your son into your room will minimise the disruption.

Having said that I'm a stepmother and know that there are times when it is a hard road.

But what you give you ultimately get back.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 02/09/2023 15:58

I guess having a dc together was obviously going to make things a squeeze in a 2 bed home...

namechange55465 · 02/09/2023 17:37

ridingsolo · 02/09/2023 15:56

@namechange55465 but that would still disrupt his sleep, it's with someone else when normally he's by himself. I think it's the noises and sensing another person there

Yes but your DH has 3 kids and you live in a 2 bed house so I think you're just going to have to suck that up! Honestly, what did you think was going to happen?

I can't imagine they're wild about sharing with a toddler either!

uneffingbelievable · 02/09/2023 17:56

once every 2 weeks for one night they stay over

Am trying to remain polite here but your DH is absolutely right.

Hurrahitsraini · 02/09/2023 18:01

I do agree with your DH to be honest, it’s one night in 13 nights, it’s 26 nights a year?! I’m a step mum to a now grown up SS , met him when he was Six. dH and I have had two subsequent children. DS just sleeps in with you guys when they stay, it’s a sleepover for him which he will love.
Your DS will have a closer relationship with his siblings when he’s older than he will with you guys. Personally id be peeved off in your DH position.

Hurrahitsraini · 02/09/2023 18:02

ridingsolo · 02/09/2023 15:47

No, not a one off, regularly

It’s 26 nights a year op, that’s not regularly at all.

Original poster

ridingsolo · 02/09/2023 18:06

I don't really mind if the toddler stays and I go stay with my mum, then it'll be my DH who has to deal with the frequent night wakings not me (I usually do 100% of the child care) is it unreasonable to opt out of the overnights by myself? I'd get to spend time with my mum who is quite lonely and DH would have some time with his children

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 02/09/2023 18:07

ridingsolo · 02/09/2023 18:06

I think it sounds like a good idea tbh - it would be nice for your mum and good for you to have a break from doing 100% of the childcare.

The toddler should stay, though.

Original poster

ridingsolo · 02/09/2023 18:20

I know it sounds really pathetic that I can't cope with one night out of 14 when some people are dealing with 50/50 or more but I suppose it's all relative, I get in a bad mood a few days before and I'm super anxious, I actually get physical symptoms, headaches and clumsiness. Then it takes me a day to clean up and recover. It wasn't so bad before we had our dc but I feel it's gotten worse

OP posts:

TreacleMoon2 · 02/09/2023 18:34

I think the questions you need to be asking are why are you doing 100% of the childcare for your dc and why are you having to clear up once the dss have gone?

Tessa83 · 02/09/2023 18:38

I get it’s hard, but you did to choose to have a DC with your partner! It is hard when you choose to have children together. You loose sleep and quality time together, but surely you knew that? ! I think having one night off when his kids arnt there doesn’t sound great to be honest. It sounds like you don’t want to be around them and if I were your partner I would be pissed off. Also it doesn’t give a message to your Step children. Do you not want to have a relationship with them? It sounds like you have an issue with them? . It shouldn’t just be about him having a relationship with HIS children, you should also want that too and you should be trying to come up with an idea which helps your toddler, but also your step children…. The fact you were in a two bed and decided to have a child with him, surely you were aware of the set up? It should be their home too….

I get if you feel he isn’t pulling his weight….but then why don’t you talk to him about it?

MintJulia · 02/09/2023 18:49

@tessa83 is right. You are all one family now. Your dscs are not going anywhere and your dh sees his children little enough as it is. He is not being unreasonable to expect you to build a relationship with them.

You could spend the weekend at your mums but that just delays dealing with the issue. You need to accept that once a fortnight your son's siblings will come to stay. Moving your ds into your room for one night seems the best solution. He'll soon get used to it.

What about family holidays or if his ex ever wants to move to 50:50?

Original poster

ridingsolo · 02/09/2023 18:54

@MintJulia he sees them 50% of the days, one week 4 days the next 3 we see them plenty. What has holidays got to do with it?

OP posts:

MintJulia · 02/09/2023 19:00

Just that as children get older, arrangements tend to flex. (I have a 15 yo).

And it is inevitable that your DP will want to take holidays with all his children. And that they will want to go on holiday together.

It really would be best to get your dp more involved in the care and clearing up, and make the situation more enjoyable for everyone.

LaGiaconda · 02/09/2023 19:04

The amount of help that should be given partly depends on who is working what hours, commuting times etc.

But I think if the idea is to function as a family that means everyone helping out.

So the 8 and 11 year old can be involved in packing up stuff after staying overnight. When you all eat together they can set the table, help clear up. They're old enough to realise that if there's not much space then it helps to be tidy.

They are also old enough to be helpful in terms of minding their small sibling. Watching him in the bath. Reading him a bedtime story etc.

But in return then I think you do need to try and be more involved. Children are more likely to do chores if the motivation is that then there is more time for some kind of shared fun activity.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 02/09/2023 19:24

You need a bigger home..

mynamechangemyrules · 02/09/2023 19:28

ridingsolo · 02/09/2023 18:54

@MintJulia he sees them 50% of the days, one week 4 days the next 3 we see them plenty. What has holidays got to do with it?

How can he be seeing them 50% of the week, but they stay over one night every two weeks..?! 50% would be 3/4 nights a week. The after school visits aren't the same thing/ same amount of time.

Unless I'm missing something, this sounds like my exH's version of 50% 😂

Laurdo · 02/09/2023 19:36

If he's so concerned about family life then maybe he should ensure he has suitable accommodation to house all of his family.

It's not that your not joining family life if you're there the other days they are, it's that your finding alternative sleeping arrangements for your DS because the current situation is not working for any of the kids. If he doesn't like your idea he can perhaps look at getting an bigger house so other kids have their own bedroom and can keep some of their stuff there.

Tessa83 · 02/09/2023 20:05

Question? Why should it just be his sole responsibility to provide accommodation? There are two people in this relationship..surely it’s down to both parties?

Laurdo · 02/09/2023 20:13

Tessa83 · 02/09/2023 20:05

Question? Why should it just be his sole responsibility to provide accommodation? There are two people in this relationship..surely it’s down to both parties?

OP has one child. Her DH has 3. It's his responsibility to ensure there is adequate space to accommodate all of his children. He hasn't done that. OP is suggesting a work around to deal with the lack of space and ensure all the kids can get a good night's sleep. Either DH accepts the workaround or he provides another solution which would be a larger house.

LaGiaconda · 02/09/2023 20:15

I think the poster's husband may also be paying maintenance to his ex for the older two....

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