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Original poster

AIBU?

68 replies

ridingsolo · 02/09/2023 15:23

My husband and I have my two step children 8 and 11 overnight once every two weeks (he gets them an additional three times a week, monday Wednesday afternoon after school or all day during holidays and every Sunday. So we see a lot of them. However I find the overnights completely overwhelming, it doesn't help that we only have a 2 bed property so they have bunk beds in my 2 yo sons room, he loves his half siblings but it disrupts his sleep (and theirs) no end.
I get anxiety before an over night, it's the disruption and the mess, they obviously have to bring all their stuff and the house seems turned upside down (not their fault)
I'm feeling such anxiety about this disruption that I'm tempted to ask my DH if I can spend that night at my mums, she's a widower that lives around 40 mins away and dotes on her grandson and has two spare rooms, one with a travel cot.
I'm nervous about asking as my DH has gotten upset before about my 'reluctance to join family life' with him and his DC. He might also have the argument that his DC have the right to bond together as a family. On the other hand if I go myself (not as happy with this as although it gives me a break it still disturbs my sons sleep) he'll say I'm opting out! AIBU? Thoughts please?

OP posts:
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MrsSkylerWhite · 02/09/2023 20:17

You must have taken his children into account t when you got involved with him? What were you expecting?

Tessa83 · 02/09/2023 20:20

Erm not necessarily… especially if they are married. It is not just HIS responsibility. Just because they are HIS children, they are all one family and that responsibility comes down to both of them…

RenoDakota · 02/09/2023 20:26

What sort of message do you think this would send to your step children?

HeddaGarbled · 02/09/2023 20:30

Once a fortnight? I think your attitude stinks.

Tessa83 · 02/09/2023 20:30

@RenoDakota I Agree….

MeridianB · 02/09/2023 20:48

TreacleMoon2 · 02/09/2023 18:34

I think the questions you need to be asking are why are you doing 100% of the childcare for your dc and why are you having to clear up once the dss have gone?

This. Is he a good partner and a good parent? Does he do his share? Does he engage with his DC or just let them do what they want?

Maybe if he did more to help - esp clearing up after them, or better still getting them to clear up after themselves, the weekends wouldn’t be so stressful.

He should also be having lots of 2:1 and 1:1 time with them.

Mumof4plusbonus · 02/09/2023 20:59

I don’t see the issue. There’s not room for all of them to sleep so you take your son to your mothers. That sounds considerate to me. It’s once a fortnight. You also still see them the other 3 days. It’s always said on here how the dad needs time on his own with his kids, well there he has it.
He also should be doing the work for and the cleaning up after his children (or getting them to do it as appropriate)

Laurdo · 02/09/2023 21:37

Mumof4plusbonus · 02/09/2023 20:59

I don’t see the issue. There’s not room for all of them to sleep so you take your son to your mothers. That sounds considerate to me. It’s once a fortnight. You also still see them the other 3 days. It’s always said on here how the dad needs time on his own with his kids, well there he has it.
He also should be doing the work for and the cleaning up after his children (or getting them to do it as appropriate)

Exactly. It's not like she's avoiding them. They're there 3 days a week but just not for sleepovers. It's good that they get a chance to spend 1:1 time with their dad and he can parent without relying on his wife. And OP also gets to spend time with her mum. I don't see the issue here at all.

Birch101 · 03/09/2023 09:15

AIBU? In my opinion yes.
Disappearing everytime your DSC stay overnight will send a message.
What happens if they ask to stay over more or even live with Dad as they get older?
If you want to put it on the side of them having special time with their dad I would say once a month for you and your child is reasonable but reasons for your anxiety need to be addressed.

CornishGem1975 · 03/09/2023 09:25

If I had somewhere to disappear I would!

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2023 09:27

Exactly. It's not like she's avoiding them. They're there 3 days a week but just not for sleepovers. It's good that they get a chance to spend 1:1 time with their dad and he can parent without relying on his wife. And OP also gets to spend time with her mum. I don't see the issue here at all.

Yes I agree. She will see them all the other times, it's not that hard to explain to them that she goes to her mum's on these days to have a break - it's the weekend, when else?

Strictly1 · 03/09/2023 09:27

Laurdo · 02/09/2023 20:13

OP has one child. Her DH has 3. It's his responsibility to ensure there is adequate space to accommodate all of his children. He hasn't done that. OP is suggesting a work around to deal with the lack of space and ensure all the kids can get a good night's sleep. Either DH accepts the workaround or he provides another solution which would be a larger house.

Show quote history

It’s not easy, especially in today’s climate, to just go and buy a bigger house. Two adults chose to have another child knowing there were already two children in the family. The OP knew this too.
If OP stays at her mum’s every time the step children stay, the message to all will be loud and clear. The step children, understandably, will feel unwanted and the DH cross. It could end in separation because I wouldn’t accept that.

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2023 09:28

It could end in separation because I wouldn’t accept that.

I wouldn't "accept" doing all of the work for our shared child, and then my DH refusing to accept me taking time off to visit my mother.

Strictly1 · 03/09/2023 09:30

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2023 09:28

It could end in separation because I wouldn’t accept that.

I wouldn't "accept" doing all of the work for our shared child, and then my DH refusing to accept me taking time off to visit my mother.

But it’s not visiting her mother, it’s avoiding the step children’s sleep over.

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2023 09:34

But it’s not visiting her mother, it’s avoiding the step children’s sleep over.

It's both. But the reason really doesn't matter. He leaves her to do all of the childcare of their joint child, he is not in a reasonable position to put his foot down about her carving out a way to get a break.

BathingBeauty · 03/09/2023 09:37

I imagine moving is out of the question so I think you need more of a plan than disappearing to your mums.
Could you change your sofa to a sofa bed and you sleep downstairs and give your room to your son.
Is it both children waking your son or just the older one going to bed later. Maybe the older one sleeps downstairs (I’m sure them all sharing might be an issue eventually).
I think you need more of a long term plan.

Strictly1 · 03/09/2023 09:37

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2023 09:34

But it’s not visiting her mother, it’s avoiding the step children’s sleep over.

It's both. But the reason really doesn't matter. He leaves her to do all of the childcare of their joint child, he is not in a reasonable position to put his foot down about her carving out a way to get a break.

But the reason does matter. The message to the children will be OP is avoiding us, not dad doesn’t do his share of housework etc. we are creating a narrative to justify the OP to stay away.
The OP needs to tackle the lack of childcare etc separately, as it is separate. I don’t know what would be fair, I don’t walk in their shoes or know how much he works/OP works etc.

Phleghm · 03/09/2023 09:40

I think it sends a clear and unkind message to your stepchildren if you disappear every time they come and stay.

SleeplessinSeattle53 · 03/09/2023 09:42

I try to arrange things which take me out of the house when SS comes to stay. It gives him some alone time with his dad - he doesn't come to see me.

Laurdo · 03/09/2023 09:43

Phleghm · 03/09/2023 09:40

I think it sends a clear and unkind message to your stepchildren if you disappear every time they come and stay.

It's not that hard to explain to them why. Spend some time with them during the day then say "Me and DS are going to visit my mum to give you guys a bit more space at bedtime because it's a bit of a squeeze in there isn't it?". We'll be back in the morning. What would you like to do tomorrow? Shall we all go to the park?"

Cazziebo · 03/09/2023 09:45

No- that would be unreasonable, OP. I think you have to find some coping strategies to help you get through it. As a PP says, you're looking at their presence as the problem. The real problem is the house is too small for a family of five- how can you all work together to make that easier?

(It's lovely that the children all get on so well. My DCs have no relationship with their step siblings which is really sad)

aSofaNearYou · 03/09/2023 09:45

But the reason does matter. The message to the children will be OP is avoiding us, not dad doesn’t do his share of housework etc. we are creating a narrative to justify the OP to stay away.
The OP needs to tackle the lack of childcare etc separately, as it is separate. I don’t know what would be fair, I don’t walk in their shoes or know how much he works/OP works etc.

She will see the kids plenty of other times, she doesn't need to hover around them whenever he has contact with them lest they jump to the conclusion that she is avoiding them, that's stifling

Laurdo · 03/09/2023 09:46

Strictly1 · 03/09/2023 09:27

It’s not easy, especially in today’s climate, to just go and buy a bigger house. Two adults chose to have another child knowing there were already two children in the family. The OP knew this too.
If OP stays at her mum’s every time the step children stay, the message to all will be loud and clear. The step children, understandably, will feel unwanted and the DH cross. It could end in separation because I wouldn’t accept that.

Show quote history

I understand it's not that easy to just get a bigger house but until such times that they can, DH needs to accept a workaround.

Do people not speak to their children? It's no hard to explain to them why OP is leaving. She doesn't just have to leave on a shroud of misery. She just explains that her and DS are going for a sleepover at her mum's because to give them a bit more space. If they have their sleep disturbed by their 2yo siblings every time they stay they'll get it. They'll probably be glad they're getting some peace. Then the just all arrange to do something as a family the next day.

FloweryName · 03/09/2023 09:49

Honestly, that would be as high way to run a family. You made a commitment to this family that already has children in it when you chose to bring in another, and now you have to find a way to cope with it. Running away will not create the family you want for your child.

You need to get some counselling or medication or something to help you deal with the anxiety. Rejecting your step children is not how you deal with your own issues.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/09/2023 09:54

I think seeing your mum either alone or with your DC on sleepover days is a great way to get a break for yourself and give your OH an opportunity to actually do some parenting, it's not acceptable that you are left as default parent to ALL of his children, he needs to step up.