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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Meeting DP children too early

30 replies

SummerDawn2000 · 14/08/2023 14:01

Been with partner for 8 months
I don’t live with him
his two sons are 15 and 22
he’s been divorce from his wife 9 years
briefly met the both of them for five mins

would it be best if I wait a year to have a longer meet with them? I don’t want to mess it up.

youngest is doing his mocks and soon his GCSEs. For the short meet he didn’t look at me which I understand as I’m new and DP previous partner who he was with for six years was tbf not the best.

I was thinking maybe we could all go for a coffee for an hour some where and I leave?

I dont want to rush things. Obviously they know of my existence etc but is this too soon? There is also an age gap between myself and my partner
DP says take it slow and just meet them, speak to them like individuals etc which is I think good advice

should I just back off? I’d like to meet them and form something more if they want to (DP says they wouldn’t care either way).

ohew a long post
TIA

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 14/08/2023 14:06

I would suggest picking a reasonable time (without exams looming) and do a short activity. The coffee thing might be a bit intense. Eg go bowling.
You seem very thoughtful so I’m sure it will be ok, though it will take some time I’m sure.
8 months seems reasonable to me.

whitewinefriday · 14/08/2023 14:14

His sons are 15 and 22?? You seem to be tip toeing round as though they're 7 and 8!! By all means have a coffee with the 15 year old, if this is enough to de-stabilise him and ruin his GCSEs, then he was always going to fail. The 22 year old is an adult, no need to have a strategy here. You are over-thinking things, OP.

aSofaNearYou · 14/08/2023 14:16

Well I wouldn't worry about the 22 year old for starters.

I don't think it's too soon unless the 15 year old has reacted poorly to the idea of him being with you/meeting you. I'd just take my lead from that.

I haven't paid attention to secondary education in a while, but when you say he's doing his mocks, is it not the summer holidays?

Original poster
SummerDawn2000 · 14/08/2023 17:43

@aSofaNearYou yes it is the summer holidays. They are both lovely young men.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDawn2000 · 14/08/2023 17:44

@thecatinthetwat bowling is a really good idea !

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDawn2000 · 14/08/2023 17:46

Just want to add they are both lovely young men, 22 yo is resilient and so is younger brother. I’ll talk to DP about it more

thanks all

OP posts:
panko · 14/08/2023 21:07

You've already met them once so that's handy. From the limited details provided I would say the 22 year old - fine go ahead. The 15 year old - maybe tread with caution until after gcses if he's struggling with the idea and they aren't far away. Perhaps meet with the 22 year old for a pub lunch - Dad could always ask if 15 year old wants to come but no worries if he's busy. That gives him an easy out if he doesn't want to.

panko · 14/08/2023 21:08

SummerDawn2000 · 14/08/2023 17:46

Just want to add they are both lovely young men, 22 yo is resilient and so is younger brother. I’ll talk to DP about it more

thanks all

How do you know this if you've only met them 5 minutes. What their dad says may not be the truth.

whitewinefriday · 14/08/2023 21:15

SummerDawn2000 · 14/08/2023 17:46

Just want to add they are both lovely young men, 22 yo is resilient and so is younger brother. I’ll talk to DP about it more

thanks all

The 22 yo is resilient?? I should flipping well think so! This is a really weird thread, you’re talking about young people as though they are toddlers.

NewNameNigel · 14/08/2023 21:36

Op I'm a bit confused by this post. Why are you stressing about all of this? It's up to your partner to decide when the time is right and how you should meet. You really should not be taking lead on this.

Original poster
SummerDawn2000 · 14/08/2023 22:25

It is getting a bit weird this thread They’re dad is very proud of them and tells me all about them and yes from when I met them briefly and from what I’ve heard they are lovely young men (mostly down to their mum).

Their his children so he should take the lead I just don’t want to fuck it up. I know they are young people and not toddlers. I can imagine a parent dating someone else can be quite strange what ever age you are.

by worrying about it I am going to fuck it up. I don’t know and hold no expectations.

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 15/08/2023 17:21

@SummerDawn2000 I think you are making the classic new step mum mistake of taking on issues that aren't yours to deal with.
You actually have very little control over how this goes goes as its largely dependant on how well the parents have coparented and supported their children through the spilt.
All you can do is be kind to them and let the relationship with the kids develop at its own pace without putting pressure on you and them to become instant family.

erikbloodaxe · 15/08/2023 17:24

What is the age gap?

toomuchlaundry · 15/08/2023 17:25

Are you close in age to the 22yo?

whitewinefriday · 15/08/2023 17:57

toomuchlaundry · 15/08/2023 17:25

Are you close in age to the 22yo?

I think the OP might be closer in age to the 15 yr old!

NewNameNigel · 15/08/2023 19:41

whitewinefriday · 15/08/2023 17:57

I think the OP might be closer in age to the 15 yr old!

Show quote history

This seems a bit unnecessarily nasty.

Original poster
SummerDawn2000 · 15/08/2023 21:42

@whitewinefriday I’m 29. And that was a bit of a vicious reply from yourself.

why should that matter? I’m just trying to take my partners lead on this but also ask fellow women in a similar situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDawn2000 · 15/08/2023 21:43

@NewNameNigel that’s really good advice. Thank you

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 16/08/2023 13:17

How old is the partner? You are obviously closer in age to his eldest son than you are to him.

Original poster
SummerDawn2000 · 16/08/2023 14:25

I know how this will go on mumsnet

but we make each other happy and we are happy to see each other. Stupidly I’ve fallen for him

Hes in his 50s so there’s a bit of an age gap. I’m an adult woman who is not vulnerable. I do see the relevance of the question but also age gaps in the majority aren’t always a complete power imbalance.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 16/08/2023 17:13

@SummerDawn2000 its not just the power imbalance, I can’t imagine the 22yo relishes the idea of a 29yo stepmum

Original poster
SummerDawn2000 · 16/08/2023 19:04

@toomuchlaundry I’m not and will never be a step mother. They already have a fantastic mother I’ll just be their dads partner. If they were younger then yes maybe I’d become ‘step mum’ but now they are young men it just seems a bit redundant.

I can understand the 22 feeling a bit weird about it but all in all he’s laid back due to his personality and ASD. I just don’t want to fuck it up

OP posts:
Oowoo · 16/08/2023 19:12

I can understand your worry op! You care about their dad and in turn care about their opinion of you, anybody would want their partners children to like you. Im sorry about how nasty this thread seems to have gotten!
like you say I’d just take it very casually, at that age they have lives of their own too. I agree with the above that maybe an activity would be more fun and then you could all relax a bit and it won’t be much pressure. Bowling, go karting, an escape room maybe?? And get your partner to organise it, he can invite his kids like “oh me and .. are going here do you want to come along’ I’m not sure of the relationship with the mother but would all 5 of you want to do something together?
but you sound lovely, thoughtful and respectful, it may take some time but I’m sure everythigg n will go smoothly!!

Original poster
SummerDawn2000 · 16/08/2023 19:33

@Oowoo I think mum has her own life and social activities but idk.

thread going ok. I’ve made some threads and they’ve turned a lot nastier. Goes with the territory on mumsnet! If you haven’t had your arse handed to you have you even been on mumsnet?!

tjank you for your lovely post. Cool and casual and partner lead is the way to go

OP posts:
NewNameNigel · 16/08/2023 19:37

but would all 5 of you want to do something together?

What? That would really awkward and weird! I'm all for being adults and being friendly to each other but I don't think meeting the ex and teen / adult sons on a fun day out go-karting would be comfortable for anyone.

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