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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Drop in income means drop in maintenence- or aibu?

296 replies

goldensquaresofjoy · 10/08/2023 08:42

Name changed recently as I posted on style and beauty and someone might recognise the outfit!

Anyway. DH works contracts- he always has. His pay increases or stays the same with each contract. It lasts about 2-3 years per contract. He increases his maintenence payments in line with the cms calculator each time.

He is struggling to find the next contract- demand has fallen and competition for the roles has increased. So he's started looking into permanent positions. These all seem to come with a lower salary.

He's started applying and gave the ex a heads up that in 3 months he's going to have to look at the maintenance and as he's looking for a permanent position for stability it will probably go down.

All hell has broken loose - she claims maintenance should stay the same even if I have to subsidise it.

For info as I know everyone hates a drip feed. he and I both have well paid jobs. We have one shared DC. We have mortgage. Ex works term time only (not a teacher) and has no mortgage or rental commitments. DSC are all at secondary school.

Aibu to think its ridiculous for her to expect him to keep a career decision made 15+ years ago when they were together and she'll just have to accept the drop on maintenance?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2023 09:19

OP’s step kids aren’t his only kids. His older two and younger one each have a mum and a dad. OP is supporting her own child, his older kid’s mum should be supporting hers.

Is it the former marital home she lives in without a mortgage?

And people can’t have it both ways. Either maintenance is chump change and not enough to pay for anything, in which case it’s not what’s keeping ex’s household running. Or it’s actually quite a lot and makes a big difference to her so any reduction will really affect her.

asterdaisy · 10/08/2023 09:20

@Uptoyou34 accepted the higher amounts? He has always paid the bare legal minimum.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/08/2023 09:20

@Uptoyou34 - I think you've misread. The father has been paying the legal minimum the whole time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/08/2023 09:20

asterdaisy · 10/08/2023 09:17

If I was her I would be making it official. This is a man who is going to pay as little as possible

Show quote history

And if he then stops paying for uniforms and clubs that’s okay is it?

asterdaisy · 10/08/2023 09:22

@Uptoyou34 and cams would have increased the amount. He wasn't doing her a favour by increasing the amount he paid of the legal minimum when his salary went up. He was still paying the legal minimum.
Poor kids.

asterdaisy · 10/08/2023 09:23

@AnneLovesGilbert the reduction paid will be £25 a week. Probably chump change to him, but money she needs.

Beautiful3 · 10/08/2023 09:23

I do think child support should be calculated by earnings. I'd recalculate it on the new salary. Bearing in mind when his wages increase, to recalculate it again.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2023 09:23

She's allowed to be disappointed and try to ask for me, especially if she's aware he can afford it due to living with you, but he doesn't have to give it. He could tell her any excess he has will be going to savings or treats for step child when he has then to appease her (I would like to hear that as the mother in the scenario) if he wants to stay on good terms, but he doesn't have to pay her more

Beadyeyes91 · 10/08/2023 09:25

I am in the same position. His wage has to drop by 25% before the CMS make any reduction in the amount he is expected to pay. Also your wage and earnings etc are legally not allowed to be taken into account. She sounds lovely btw. Very reasonable lady 🙄

asterdaisy · 10/08/2023 09:25

@AnneLovesGilbert he would stop paying half uniform costs and half cost of one club? Only think he pays above the legal minimum. Isn't he a caring father.

holabiatches · 10/08/2023 09:25

If you don’t have a formal agreement through CMS then DH can drop it accordingly - this is not your responsibility to pay.

If you have a formal agreement ie CMS have been involved at all then DH salary needs to drop 20% in order for him to reduce the payment. Although, he can make an appeal to CMS for them to reconsider this. FWIW, it’s ridiculous - 20% is a huge chunk to lose!

That’s how I understand it anyway

rainaway · 10/08/2023 09:28

@goldensquaresofjoy in answer to your question no you are not being unreasonable. And no you shouldn't be subsidising.

CMS is not always ridiculously low as some PPs are saying, it can be but it can also be significant if salaries are significant. How much it costs to pay for 'half' of your children is different for everyone depending on circumstances. Only you and your DH know your figures, salaries, outgoings etc (and please don't start sharing them as you'll get torn apart).

But yes be aware, on CMS calculations your husband's salary will need to decrease by 25% for a change to take effect.

Personally I'd leave the thread now as I think you have your answers.

asterdaisy · 10/08/2023 09:28

Lots of fathers don't really care about their children they no longer live with. This is a clear example.
My father did the legal minimum for his kids from his previous marriage. I saw this and knew his support was dependent on him being in a relationship with my mum. His kids from his first marriage have nothing to do with him as adults. They saw they were a low priority

quietnightmare · 10/08/2023 09:28

£100 less month

The MOTHER can make that up, not you

If it's 50/50 in the holidays then does he pay her anything then? Because if he does that more than makes up the £100 as with 50/50 neither parent usually pays anything

asterdaisy · 10/08/2023 09:30

@rainaway the proposal is to cut cms by £25 a week for two children. For someone with a well paid job this will be very little money.

asterdaisy · 10/08/2023 09:31

@quietnightmare they use the cms calculator and given his meanness I am sure that will be taken into account.

rainaway · 10/08/2023 09:38

@asterdaisy I was writing my post when the amount was quoted so don't quote it at me as an insult.

The point still stands. We don't know their income, outgoings etc

Original poster
goldensquaresofjoy · 10/08/2023 09:45

FloweryName · 10/08/2023 09:14

So you’re happy to pay for your other expenses to go up, but not the most important one related to his children? Nice.

Again, it really does depend on how much maintenance the ex is already receiving and how much it’s going to be reduced by.

Show quote history

Yes because I'll already be paying more for when the kids are here!

OP posts:
Original poster
goldensquaresofjoy · 10/08/2023 09:49

asterdaisy · 10/08/2023 09:17

If I was her I would be making it official. This is a man who is going to pay as little as possible

Show quote history

She can if she wants but then that won't include the extras then will it..

OP posts:
Original poster
goldensquaresofjoy · 10/08/2023 09:52

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/08/2023 09:23

She's allowed to be disappointed and try to ask for me, especially if she's aware he can afford it due to living with you, but he doesn't have to give it. He could tell her any excess he has will be going to savings or treats for step child when he has then to appease her (I would like to hear that as the mother in the scenario) if he wants to stay on good terms, but he doesn't have to pay her more

Imo she should be embarrassed to use the fact I work and earn more to ask for more money.

OP posts:
Original poster
goldensquaresofjoy · 10/08/2023 09:54

And fair enough if CMS will only reduce it when it drops by 25% I assume they also don't recalculate it every time there's a bonus or a payrise

OP posts:
whitewinefriday · 10/08/2023 09:54

In a 'together' family, everyone has to adjust if Dad has a pay cut. Why should it be any different if its a separated family? And what if, god forbid, he lost his job? He can't pay his ex money that he hasn't got.

CloverHilla · 10/08/2023 09:54

If his salary increased would she expect a corresponding increase in maintenance?
I suggest he looks at the calculations again, and try reach a compromise with her.

asterdaisy · 10/08/2023 10:01

In a together family dads don't spend the legal minimum limit of cms on their children.
And if his salary increases his legal cms he should pay will also increase.
If the mum was going officially through cms, he would not be allowed to reduce the amount by this £25 a week as others have explained on the thread. So what OP is proposing is below the legal minimum cms.
Why mums would defend 5his I have no idea.
My DP loves our children and I am confident if we split he would not be spending the legal minimum on his children. Teenagers are expensive. They eat more than adults and cms already does not reflect that reality. I can't understand why a father in a well paid job would want his children to go short. But so many including this father do.

SD1978 · 10/08/2023 10:06

Unlike some ( and no, not a 2nd wife) I don't believe that he should continue to match previous amounts if his wage and standard of living is also affected. He's given as much notice as he can, why should the assumption be he has to destitute himself, when and if his circumstances change? If he is earning less, and can't afford it, in exactly the same way as if they were still a family, if his income dropped, so would everyone's.