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Step-parenting

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Original poster

She rings multiple times a day

44 replies

RainyJuly23 · 08/08/2023 07:24

Ugh I need to know if I'm being a bit of a nutter or if this is a bit weird.

Been with my DP a few years. I have a 3yo and he has a 10yo. We have 10yo every weekend. For reference, 10yo has a phone with WhatsApp/iMessage and can make calls anytime from said phone.

10yo mother rings my DP daily. Sometimes multiple times daily. Sometimes to talk about 10yo and sometimes to tell him her ailments, grievances and generally sort of 'offload' onto him. This has been the same our entire relationship. He doesn't hide these calls and will take them whilst I'm there, if we are in the car it will come through the car so I can hear it all, so I'm not accusing him of doing anything wrong etc. but I find this so weird? They've been split up nearly 5 years and still calls like this. When it's about 10yo, obviously understandable, but when it's just her talking about herself I find it quite odd.

10yo calls DP daily and he will WhatsApp her when she's not at school etc so it's not like they have to communicate through her mother.

Yesterday I'd had an awful day at work, I got home and DP was on the phone to her. Didn't think a lot of it, after the call (about 10 mins after I got home), I asked what it was about and he didn't say a lot, just shrugged it off. Not sure if my bad day at work skewed my view of this but it got my back up a bit. Later on I'd just finished putting my 3yo to bed ready to settle down with a film & DP. Walked in the bedroom and he was on the phone to her again. This time I could hear talk of 10yo but also various other bits. It tipped me over the edge. I mouthed to him 'are we going to get any time together this evening or..??' And he told me to 'shut up'. We didn't speak for the rest of the evening.

So, am I being a nutter and this is normal communication or is it a bit weird?!

OP posts:
Original poster
RainyJuly23 · 08/08/2023 11:12

Thanks everyone. I feel a little more grounded and some points have been raised that I didn't even consider - such as him putting her first still.

They've been like this as long as I've known him, 10yo has no health issues, just a busy schedule but she sends this over monthly via text so everyone knows where they stand. He says she calls so he can talk to 10yo in the car but he will say things like 'what have you done at school today DD?' And she will respond with 'DD did XYZ' rather than letting her talk.

We do not have any kids, 3yo is mine from my exH. He texts every now and then asking about DD as obviously she is too young to do this of her own accord, but very rarely calls. When DP and I first got together he expressed that he didn't like when exH called me if not urgent so I told my exH and he stopped. I'm unsure why it's different for him but evidently it is.

She has family, a few friends etc. if I'm honest, I think she's bored. She works part time, weekend evenings so she's probably looking for company. They WhatsApp a lot, all above board and nothing to suggest there's anything untoward going on, but also stuff that I wouldn't consider worthy of conversation with an ex?

OP posts:
PizzaPastaWine · 08/08/2023 11:23

Reading your update OP I'd look to leave this relationship. He speaks to you in a way that for me is unacceptable. He's also asking things of you that he's not prepared to do himself. Moving forward this is only going to happen in other aspects of your relationship.

I'd be thinking that he's feeling the guilt of the relationship ending and thinks more of his ex than you.

Uptoyou34 · 08/08/2023 11:24

Why did they split up OP?

Azerothi · 08/08/2023 11:26

Do you live with this current boyfriend?

It isn't clear but if you do you can't force this boyfriend to want to spend time with you and not on the phone with the mother of his child.

RedRosette2023 · 08/08/2023 12:18

@RainyJuly23 she sounds like she needs her own life aside from your OH.

When I met my DH his ex was the same. She would call to tell DH mundane details about her life and always call him in a crisis. Thing is, my DH isn’t especially chatty and really has to work hard to offer support, it’s just not him, so he would just be an ear, but not offer much in reply. I think his ex is a bit narcissistic so that suited her as he was just a captive audience. He said he thought it was odd but I don’t think he knew how to deal with it.

When I pointed out to him that he was under no obligation to provide this therapy hotline he was relieved! He was like “you’re right I don’t” and he realised that unless it was about their son, it wasn’t his job anymore. He started directing any contact to DSS and only answering when it was actually convenient.

Once she realised DH was no longer offering what she wanted, she moved onto someone else and developed her own, more appropriate support network.

Your OH needs to set some boundaries.

MeridianB · 08/08/2023 13:08

You're not being over-sensitive, OP. This is weird. Waaaaay over the top.

Even if they had the most amicable divorce in history, it's still totally unnecessary.

Your partner is in the driving seat on this. Either he feels guilty or he enjoys being the hero. But he could have gently closed this down years ago if he wanted. And now, with his horrible 'shut up' approach, I'd be planning my exit. He's just not worth it.

ChiPawPrint · 08/08/2023 14:39

@RedHelenB He was on the phone to his ex but no matter who you're on the phone with, you don't just tell someone to shut up. There's polite ways of going about it such as "I'm just on the phone a minute, not be long".

Shurleyknot · 08/08/2023 14:44

He is choosing her over you. Get rid.

Uptoyou34 · 08/08/2023 15:05

I literally posted a thread last week asking step mum's want the 'norm' was for how much contact their DP has with their ex wives, and it was mainly ex-wives commenting that they have daily contact with their kids Dad... I imagine there is a probably a poor step mum behind the scenes in those relationships who are struggling the same way OP is...

I stick by my guns that daily contact just isn't needed, even if divorce is amicable and even if both parties remain single, because it makes it much harder to break habits when new partners do eventually come along and then don't know where they stand.

gamerchick · 08/08/2023 15:14

Are you willing to lay all your cards on the table? Remind him that he didn't like it when your kids dad rang you so you had the respect to make it stop. He needs to show you the same respect and never tell you to shut up again.

If he refuses then you have a choice to make.

NewUserName2023 · 08/08/2023 15:24

If ithe contact is not about his DC then they're still enmeshed as a couple and he's still into her. He should be choosing you.

Reugny · 08/08/2023 15:45

cansu · 08/08/2023 09:33

Sounds like they are still friends. Not everyone has a bitter divorce.

A friend of mine was friends with her ex.

There were not multiple phone calls a day. It was at most once a day to check on their child.

(They stop being friends when he completely took the piss out of her.)

cansu · 08/08/2023 15:49

It seems that the OPs partner or husband is happy with this contact or he could avoid the calls or tell his ex. He doesn't do this so this suggests he likes it.

matchamate · 08/08/2023 16:38

He's not over her. Sorry.

SemperIdem · 08/08/2023 19:33

My ex and I get on well, message daily about our child. We very rarely call each other. It’s a level of intrusion that simply isn’t warranted 99% of the time.

SemperIdem · 08/08/2023 19:37

Uptoyou34 · 08/08/2023 15:05

I literally posted a thread last week asking step mum's want the 'norm' was for how much contact their DP has with their ex wives, and it was mainly ex-wives commenting that they have daily contact with their kids Dad... I imagine there is a probably a poor step mum behind the scenes in those relationships who are struggling the same way OP is...

I stick by my guns that daily contact just isn't needed, even if divorce is amicable and even if both parties remain single, because it makes it much harder to break habits when new partners do eventually come along and then don't know where they stand.

A lot of the ex wives who commented were also step mums. Perhaps they just had a more balanced view of contact because they see both sides.

This is in no way the same, what the op is dealing with is weird and intrusive.

Blendiful · 09/08/2023 14:40

He needs much better boundaries. Regardless of having a child together there is no need to communicate numerous times daily, especially not by call.

My DPs ex messages daily, not sure what about, don't care what it's about but I am sure it is because she just likes to have conversation about something with him. I don't message my ex daily, never have and wouldn't need to, so I don't get either. But this would drive me mad.

Bearpawk · 09/08/2023 15:05

Yeah that's very weird, he needs to get some boundaries or he may as well just get back with her surely.

Rental101 · 13/08/2023 21:29

I would end this op , been there and he chose his ex over an over .

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