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Original poster

She rings multiple times a day

44 replies

RainyJuly23 · 08/08/2023 07:24

Ugh I need to know if I'm being a bit of a nutter or if this is a bit weird.

Been with my DP a few years. I have a 3yo and he has a 10yo. We have 10yo every weekend. For reference, 10yo has a phone with WhatsApp/iMessage and can make calls anytime from said phone.

10yo mother rings my DP daily. Sometimes multiple times daily. Sometimes to talk about 10yo and sometimes to tell him her ailments, grievances and generally sort of 'offload' onto him. This has been the same our entire relationship. He doesn't hide these calls and will take them whilst I'm there, if we are in the car it will come through the car so I can hear it all, so I'm not accusing him of doing anything wrong etc. but I find this so weird? They've been split up nearly 5 years and still calls like this. When it's about 10yo, obviously understandable, but when it's just her talking about herself I find it quite odd.

10yo calls DP daily and he will WhatsApp her when she's not at school etc so it's not like they have to communicate through her mother.

Yesterday I'd had an awful day at work, I got home and DP was on the phone to her. Didn't think a lot of it, after the call (about 10 mins after I got home), I asked what it was about and he didn't say a lot, just shrugged it off. Not sure if my bad day at work skewed my view of this but it got my back up a bit. Later on I'd just finished putting my 3yo to bed ready to settle down with a film & DP. Walked in the bedroom and he was on the phone to her again. This time I could hear talk of 10yo but also various other bits. It tipped me over the edge. I mouthed to him 'are we going to get any time together this evening or..??' And he told me to 'shut up'. We didn't speak for the rest of the evening.

So, am I being a nutter and this is normal communication or is it a bit weird?!

OP posts:
itwasntmetho · 08/08/2023 07:29

That sounds really intrusive.
She sounds like she is in the habit of making him her main adult to talk to and won’t break the habit without prompting. He sounds like one of those people who always wants to be useful even at the expense of the person who is prioritising him.

Lkahsvtv · 08/08/2023 07:32

This wouldn’t be for me; it sounds far too enmeshed although I’d have raised this quite early on as I think it’s going to be hard when you’ve accepted it as the norm for so long.
DSDs mum went through a spate of doing this at a certain point and DH just made it so he wasn’t so available to her eg. not answer the call immediately and text saying he was in the middle of something, was DSD ok just in case it was something urgent, or when she’d start talking about something not to do with DSD he’d say he needed to go.

Morewineplease10 · 08/08/2023 07:32

No yanbu and he should apologise gor telling you to shut up!

You need to establish some boundaries here.

Does she have any family of friends?

FedUpMumof10YO · 08/08/2023 07:35

This is a DP problem.
Why is he even answering the phone ?
Let's say it is about DD, surely a text would suffice?

The telling you to shut up is not acceptable and I'm sorry to say but in that moment (and many others I assume) he chose her over you.

He's not over her.

How would he feel if it was the other way round ?

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 07:36

Do you share a child together? If not, then I'd be off. He is putting her first and telling you to shut up at the same time.

AnotherCountryMummy · 08/08/2023 07:52

I had something similar when I first started seeing my DH. It was a mixture of the ex still being in the habit of using him as her 'main adult' and DH being too soft/feeling bad for her and not putting boundaries in place.

I told him how it made me feel and he slowly started only answering/replying if it was about the children (ex used to text a lot too).

She broke the habit eventually. It did really piss me off though - I understand how you feel. It's like having a third person popping up in your relationship 🙄 My DHs ex used to always call with the worst timing. She obviously didn't know this but sometimes it felt like she did.

barbarahunter · 08/08/2023 08:09

I had this when I was married to DH. His son was nearly 30 (!) but ex wife, after many many years of divorce was still always phoning him. I do think she had anxiety (among a lot of other issues) but it really started pissing me off. I told him how I felt and he stopped her doing it so much.

GoodnightJude1 · 08/08/2023 08:13

Definitely a DP problem.

He obviously makes her feel that she can call him anytime, about anything!
I wouldn’t dream of ringing my Ex husband about anything other than the DC and he wouldn’t either.
He’s made her feel comfortable enough to do this.

ChiPawPrint · 08/08/2023 08:13

This is definitely weird OP.

My husband had a 10 year old with his ex and they never speak on the phone. If they need to communicate, it's over text and that is usually only a couple of texts a month.

I would not tolerate her phoning my husband that much but he also wouldn't answer anyway as he doesn't want to talk to her

barbarahunter · 08/08/2023 08:17

Actually I am relieved that so far people are saying that this issue is a piss off. When we divorced, ExDH said I had been unreasonable for being annoyed about the frequent phone calls with his ex. Not that I cared what he thought by that stage, but I now feel vindicated.

Neonyellowfish · 08/08/2023 09:02

Yes it’s weird. I wouldn’t accept that and I would of left or put my foot down a long time ago!

Uptoyou34 · 08/08/2023 09:03

To be honest OP, even frequent calls when it's about the 10 year old is still intrusive in my opinion. What really needs to be discussed that can't be said over a text or email if it's standard day to day life things?

PizzaPastaWine · 08/08/2023 09:10

There are two issues here...firstly your DP telling you to shut up. For me that is an unacceptable way to speak to your DP.

Secondly, unless there are significant health issues there really doesn't need to be any verbal communication other than during pick up and drop off. Hell would freeze over before I was having to discuss parenting with my ex. The boundaries here are completely off and you have every right to feel the way you do and ask him to wind it down with the aim for the calls to stop.

FloweryName · 08/08/2023 09:16

I wouldn’t like this at all, but have they been like this since they split?

Its one of those things that you don’t get to control if your DP is happy with it and it’s the ways it’s been since before you came along. As long as you can trust your DP not to be unfaithful with her, then it’s only a minor irritation.

continentallentil · 08/08/2023 09:18

It’s not typical and it’s intrusive.

As it’s been going on a long time you need to have a full conversation about this when everyone is calm. Next weekend?

QuacketyQuack · 08/08/2023 09:22

Do you share 3 year old, if not then I'd bin him, how dare he tell you to shut up

cansu · 08/08/2023 09:33

Sounds like they are still friends. Not everyone has a bitter divorce.

Uptoyou34 · 08/08/2023 09:34

cansu · 08/08/2023 09:33

Sounds like they are still friends. Not everyone has a bitter divorce.

You can be friends without multiple phone calls a day!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 08/08/2023 09:39

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/08/2023 07:36

Do you share a child together? If not, then I'd be off. He is putting her first and telling you to shut up at the same time.

^^ This

It sounds exhausting OP, I'd be looking to move on.

Mylovelygreendress · 08/08/2023 09:41

cansu · 08/08/2023 09:33

Sounds like they are still friends. Not everyone has a bitter divorce.

I have lots of friends and don’t phone them multiple times a day !

babybopella · 08/08/2023 09:46

Nah that’s out of order. Tell him the phone calls stop now. No need for it. I rarely talk to my kids dad, and we have younger kids than that without phones. Simply no need and there’s no way in hell a phone call from the ex would come before my partner unless it was an emergency of course.
non urgent things can be sent in a message, which he can mute.

RedHelenB · 08/08/2023 10:33

Morewineplease10 · 08/08/2023 07:32

No yanbu and he should apologise gor telling you to shut up!

You need to establish some boundaries here.

Does she have any family of friends?

He was telling her to shut up because she was interrupting him when he was on the phone to his dd.
OP is being unreasonable. If you want to talk about it OP do it calmly when there's no one else around.

Neonyellowfish · 08/08/2023 10:42

RedHelenB · 08/08/2023 10:33

He was telling her to shut up because she was interrupting him when he was on the phone to his dd.
OP is being unreasonable. If you want to talk about it OP do it calmly when there's no one else around.

Show quote history

Did you read the thread…. He was on the phone to his ex not his bloody dd!

RedRosette2023 · 08/08/2023 10:45

She’s still using him for emotional support in the same way she would have done when they were a couple - not acceptable anymore IMO.

Uptoyou34 · 08/08/2023 10:50

My DP's ex wife tried her hand at this during the first 6 months' of our relationship but thankfully my DP put a stop to it. The first night we moved in together she rung him to say her heating wasn't working and she wanted help with it. He told her to ring the gas man! Another time she miraculously 'broke down' when she knew we were on a weekend away but expected him to come and 'rescue' her. He told her to ring the breakdown company. It soon stopped.