super anxious about SC coming, handhold please?

[nervesonnerves]

Name changed for this as my other posts would make it totally outing.

SC coming to stay for a week from tomorrow. I am literally a ball of nerves because it is always very stressful, noisy, messy, shouty, when they are here. They expect everything done yesterday, and make demands constantly. My DP doesn't mind as he is just glad they still come, and just loves having them here.

He's going to be WFH and probably expects me to be around a lot as back up, but doesn't realise I have made a lot of plans to be busy and out.

DSD 25, will be wfh, and everyone feels like walking on eggshells around her in general.

DSD 20, will hopefully be busy with her friends.

I realise they are adults, and should be ok, but they are coming because their mum is going away for a week and they don't like being in the house alone, or doing everything for themselves. Cue DP will be tidying up after them, cooking, popping to the shops for all demands etc. I leave it all to him really and try not to get involved, but I just get so anxious and nervous about it. Anything can just blow up and go wrong and cause screaming and I hate that.

Everyone apart from me is busy today, and DSD1 forgot to reorder some medication, and apparently I am the only person available to collect for her from Boots today between 4-5pm, but that is the time I am actually busy. It has now all become my fault and I'm the bad person for not changing my plans (seeing my elderly father), and collecting her medication. This has really made me anxious about the entire week and the demands that may be coming.

(I am suffering somewhat from anxiety recently, following a very close bereavement, and am just about managing it, so this is a real trigger).

Can I have a handhold please to help me through the week. I'm in tears in anticipation of it. (I would have gone to visit a friend in Majorca, but my brother is abroad and I can't leave my Dad alone).

Jesus OP! You don't have a SC problem you have a DH problem! They behave like entitled little shits because he allows them to! They're 25 and 20 FGS! I have an adult DSD (she's 30) she's never once acted like this, ever. Nor would it ever be tolerated. Just bloody ignore their tantrums and do whatever it is you need to do.

Can you spend a few nights with or near your dad?

I'd move in with my dad for the time, if that's possible. A great excuse for not being there given your brother is away.

Great minds etc @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

Can you go and stay with your dad for a week?

Let DP get on with it. Have alot of plans that need to be dealt with. 2 adults can fend for themselves which they'd probably appreciate. Lay some non negotiable boundaries out and clearly spell them out to DP, eg both can freely cook etc independently but need to clean up after. Towels need to be washed and dried, shower/bath needs cleaned after, floor needs a dry or a wipe. Let them have time with their Dad and review it after they leave.

Well you're not the only one available to collect her prescription.

You're not available as you're busy.

Just let your DP handle it all. If you've made plans to be out then you don't need to do anything.

The only thing I'd suggest you do is make even more plans so you're hardly home at all.

Go and stay with your dad!

Why the hell are they coming at that age and why the hell can't they be in the mum's house on their own? Completely ridiculous. I wouldn't be allowing it.

I’m wondering if the ex insists the ‘children’ go their Dad’s when she’s away?

Make yourself as busy as possible whilst they’re there! Leave him/them to tidy up after dinner.

I don’t understand this, they are clearly just taking advantage of your dp.

I would plan a day out every day from dawn to dusk. Only pitching up for the briefest dinner and polite conversation before having a bath and reading in bed.

Sounds like bliss!

Thank you so much for all your support and reassurance that I am not the unreasonable one. In the end, a neighbour (of the ex) collected the prescription!! Some people...!!

I'm going through my diary and making sure I am out as much as possible, and I know this is not my issue. As another PP said earlier, her 30 year old wouldn't behave this way, I can also assure you that neither of my DSs would either. (both adults too). I see it as our job as parents to enable our children to cope without us as they grow, but as someone else said, some parents put their own needs first (ie being needed by children).

I've spent a lovely afternoon with my sons, and I realise that the whole prescription situation made me so anxious, but not unduly, given the fuss and their expectations.

Thank you for all your understanding and hand holding. I'm enjoying a quiet evening in now before it all starts tomorrow eve.

Thanks for the suggestions of staying with my Dad, but he only lives 5 minutes away from me, and it would just be weird if I went to stay there.

I've sent my brother a message to find out about the Xmas hols as I really need to take myself off somewhere when they stay then, but have a feeling he's away again... :((

To pp, yes, they will have problems as they grow older, I am fully aware of this, and DP is starting to realise this, and to be fair to him, he really is trying as best he's able, and getting help with it.

Yes also re subsidising. This definitely happens, but he is very generous to me too so I try to not let that worry me as it is his money, not ours, and as you say, they are the ones who will suffer in the end really, sadly.

You sound really nice. Bright ad breezy op. Plenty of time to organise a Christmas trip either to wherever your brother is going, or a trip with a friend.
How often do they come?

@Sailingthissummer thank you. still come EOW... plus a week end December, and in summer, and extra days around Easter and other bank holidays. Unfortunately, I can't go away when my brother is away due to my elderly Dad and us not wanting to both be away at the same time in case of any emergency, and also just for helping with his shopping etc.

Why are they staying so much? I think it’s fair to say your dp meets them in the day for lunch, dinner etc like normal dc do when they are established adults. Why are they coming to stay so much? Maybe limit the stays to Christmas?

I am not sure I could put up with the volume and the intrusion op. It seems excessive. It’s like they are still children. It’s weird and co dependent.

I'd be out as much as possible this week , and asking why two adults can't be home alone.

Why is your brother the decision maker?

book christmas and then tell your brother the dates.

stop let everyone walk over you

I think it's not fair for your DB to always go away at Christmas if you would like to too. Can you talk to him about this?

Yes, agreed re my brother. This situation has only been since April, that we can't leave my Dad at the same time, and my bro had already booked his trips. I've been on the phone to him today and we've agreed that we need to look at dates more carefully and make sure we coordinate better and both get time away. Don't worry.... I won't let anyone be walking over me..

Unfortunately Dad has come down with a really nasty cold and simply can’t be left alone this week. It could turn to something serious. You’ll just have to stay there until he recovers. Which will be just the time that the bratty kids are about to leave

Agree with all the comments about it being weird and too dependent, etc. Thank you all. I totally agree, and I can see what it is doing to these 'kids', but, as PP said, not my circus, and all that I'm trying to concern myself with, is taking care of myself really. At least I'm not imagining it being weird tho. I don't want to put my foot down re visits and interfere with his relationship with his kids. That's up to him. His problems, his mistakes. I just try to limit the effects on me.

If you and your brother were away at the same time wouldn't your husband step in if there was an emergency, assuming he's home with his kids anyway?