super anxious about SC coming, handhold please?

[nervesonnerves]

Name changed for this as my other posts would make it totally outing.

SC coming to stay for a week from tomorrow. I am literally a ball of nerves because it is always very stressful, noisy, messy, shouty, when they are here. They expect everything done yesterday, and make demands constantly. My DP doesn't mind as he is just glad they still come, and just loves having them here.

He's going to be WFH and probably expects me to be around a lot as back up, but doesn't realise I have made a lot of plans to be busy and out.

DSD 25, will be wfh, and everyone feels like walking on eggshells around her in general.

DSD 20, will hopefully be busy with her friends.

I realise they are adults, and should be ok, but they are coming because their mum is going away for a week and they don't like being in the house alone, or doing everything for themselves. Cue DP will be tidying up after them, cooking, popping to the shops for all demands etc. I leave it all to him really and try not to get involved, but I just get so anxious and nervous about it. Anything can just blow up and go wrong and cause screaming and I hate that.

Everyone apart from me is busy today, and DSD1 forgot to reorder some medication, and apparently I am the only person available to collect for her from Boots today between 4-5pm, but that is the time I am actually busy. It has now all become my fault and I'm the bad person for not changing my plans (seeing my elderly father), and collecting her medication. This has really made me anxious about the entire week and the demands that may be coming.

(I am suffering somewhat from anxiety recently, following a very close bereavement, and am just about managing it, so this is a real trigger).

Can I have a handhold please to help me through the week. I'm in tears in anticipation of it. (I would have gone to visit a friend in Majorca, but my brother is abroad and I can't leave my Dad alone).

Handhold. These are adults. Leave them - and your DP - to it.

No guilt allowed!

Happy to handhold. I would absolutely leave your other half and his adult children to it. Be out as much as possible. Try to disengage.

Don’t allow any of them to make you feel guilty. Not your circus, not your monkeys……..

I appreciate it’s so hard. My SC are 18 and 20 and DH panders after them like they’re small children who can’t possibly do anything for themselves.

Thank you both. I really do appreciate it. I am literally sitting her trying to calm myself down because although they are adults, it is just one week, and I need to put it into perspective. It has just become a big thing, and rather than diminishing with each stay, for some reason it gets worse and worse. I'm really struggling with my mindset.

I know it seems ridiculous that it affects me so much. It makes me feel so uptight because sometimes if we are all sat around the table eating, they can all be in silence and I end up the one saying something and it just comes out all uptight.

I try so hard to not let it get to me, but the tension in the house is just so high. One of them gets v sweaty at night, and DP ends up changing her bed for her most days, which shouldn't bother me, but it does in silly ways because that then upsets my laundry routine.. (sad!)...

I'm hoping the anticipation will be worse than the reality but it usually just matches it.

I guess the best I can hope for is that the rain subsides and I can at least sit in the garden!

@LemonLimeDivine yes, he panders to them so much it is unbelievable. He is literally turning them into totally dependent adults (their mother is ridiculously dependent upon her parents and so this is continuing.)

I would be rethinking this relationship, he will ultimately be aiming to move them in and they will always come before you.

How odd that neither of them are independent adults, especially the 25 year old.

I can understand why you need a handhold to be honest! That would get right on my nerves.

We've been together 10 years, and things with us really are just like 'the notebook' until the kids turn up. I'm just trying to manage that part as best I can because he really is wonderful in every other way.

Older one is planning on renting with friends later in the year anyway, hopefully, and youngest is at uni so it isn't so often during term time.

I guess this is what I have chosen to compromise on, because I think there is an element of compromise in most relationships, but he really is a keeper in every other way and treats me wonderfully. He knows I get anxious, and he tries his hardest to be mindful of that, and me, and he knows that how he is with his kids is a bit unreasonable, but he can't help it. We are very open with each other and discuss a lot with minimal amount of tension.

I'm just trying hard to manage my anxiety over it without overloading it on him, and without spoiling the lovely afternoon I'm about to have with my own DC.

x

Wow. How did it ever get to the stage where two adults can’t be in a house without a parent? And expect to waited on like hotel guests?

I think you’re under-reacting, OP.

Unless you're cooking for you and DH, I would make a point of letting him manage their meals. If they leave a mess, ask them to tidy up. If they won’t then your DH needs to. Not you.

Why couldn’t the DSD get her own medication, like most grown ups?

Mostly, I think you going out is a great plan. Just be completely unavailable. Your DH is happy to be a doormat and try to make you one because he loves having them to stay? Why didn’t he take a week off work to spend quality time with the children he dotes on?

It will be really interesting to his reaction when you are simply not there to pick up his slack.

All due respect but why is it okay for him to say “I can’t help it”? When he actively acknowledges he is doing his adult children a disservice in allowing this pandering to grown adults. It’s insulting to them, stressful to you and disrespectful to all of you. I think you need to ask him to attend counselling to get to the bottom of why he feels so guilty that he won’t parent his own children- you say you’ve been together 10 years so did he leave them age 10 and 14? Sounds like they are all stuck unable to move into healthy adult adult relationships together and instead remain enmeshed at the tween stage where he knows he did them a disservice in leaving and meeting his own needs rather than theirs.

Older one is planning on renting with friends later in the year anyway
I predict that your partner will end up heavily subsidising his adult child's living costs . . . and I agree with what @TappingTed says

Thank you so much for all your support and handholding, and listening! I appreciate every single message.

The wonderful thing is that when we moved in together, at the start of Covid, the DSD made it v clear they wanted his cooking only (& he agreed!!), so now when they come, he cooks and I have a weekend (or whole week) off cooking! It's the best thing ever (for me, hahaha). But he's one of those who uses every single pot and knife, so there's a huge mess that takes us all ages to clean up. I try to meet friends at mealtimes so I can be out of that situation.

DSD can't get the medication as she is out of town till late, and it has run out, and my actual reaction now is, that I will get it if I can, and if I can't, she will just learn to order it a bit sooner in the future. I need to remain strong and realise this is not my fault, nor is it my responsibility.

What I'm really focusing on is how I respond, so for example, re the medication, previously I would have replied that this is ridiculous, she's a grown adult, she shouldn't leave it so late, etc etc and that causes an argument and creates tension and I somehow end up being the bad one. How I now respond is that, of course, if it is before 4pm I will get it with pleasure, but after that unfortunately I can't help as I'm busy. Historically I get so irked that it even got to the stage of almost running out and last minute collection that I just snapped back immediately which made things worse. (Even if my response wasn't unreasonable).

Yes, they expect to be waited on like hotel guests.

It doesn't help that it is highlighted by the fact that my 2DSs are the total opposite and I've made them so independent they rarely lean on me or ask for anything, so there is possibly a teeny bit of envy at feeling needed still...?

Everyone apart from me is busy today, and DSD1 forgot to reorder some medication, and apparently I am the only person available to collect for her from Boots today between 4-5pm, but that is the time I am actually busy. It has now all become my fault and I'm the bad person

And her father hasn't made it totally clear to her that she is being utterly unreasonable???

What I'm really focusing on is how I respond, so for example, re the medication, previously I would have replied that this is ridiculous, she's a grown adult, she shouldn't leave it so late, etc etc and that causes an argument and creates tension and I somehow end up being the bad one
Would you be able to adopt a strategy of not responding at all, sort of side step things, smile and nod but don't comment or explain yourself at all, don't chastise or advise but leave her to deal with the consequences of her own actions, that kind of thing?

At first I thought you were talking about children or teenagers at best not bloody adults. Leave them to get on with it op. You shouldn't be running around after adults.

If it looks like everyone apart from you is going to be busy then you need to plan in advance to be busy (even if you're not) get out in front of things so that there is never a situation where you are the default person who has to do something.

@Chasingsquirrels lol, no, of course not... to be fair, he would drop everything and collect a prescription for me if I asked. But I wouldn't.... as said by pp..not my circus. I gave up saying with that sort of thing long ago.

@tootallfortheshelf @TappingTed agree with your comments, and we have been to counselling. He knows this is a problem, and we are working on it, which is why he can actually recognise how I feel.

Back later.. my doorbell has rung, my DSs are here and I'm on the way out.

Will comment more later, but I so so appreciate your posts. it is really helping with distracting me xxx

Gosh, this is hard. You sound lovely, really trying to put in boundaries, but being mindful of your DP’s relationship with his dc.

Like other posters, I’m also slightly eyebrow raised at 20 and 25 yr old not liking to be alone. If it’s because they want to see their dad, lovely. If it’s because they can’t cope not having another adult to look after them, that’s quite concerning. I have 3 kids, and we have left our 17 and 19 yr olds by themselves for a long weekend, and it could easily have been a week.

As for the medication etc- good for you, think you handling it wonderfully and I am taking notes!

These young women will have bigger problems to deal with in life, if they can't spend a few days on their own in their home. Sounds like the umbilical cords weren't cut at birth with either of them.

we have been to counselling. He knows this is a problem, and we are working on it, which is why he can actually recognise how I feel
I think this bodes well for a good outcome for everyone ☝️😇

DSD 25, will be wfh, and everyone feels like walking on eggshells around her in general.

DSD 20, will hopefully be busy with her friends.

OMG, here we go again, another thread about adults who behave like, and are treated as, children. Only on Planet Step Family.

Beware. My SD requested subsidising from my DH until she was nearly forty.

I’m honestly so shocked a 25 &20 year old still come over when their mum is away.

Is this real? A 20 yr old and 25 year old coming to stay with their dad because their mums away and they don't like being on their own? I'm not really sure what to say tbh! It sounds bonkers, most 20 and 25 year olds I know would be happy to have the house to themselves for a week!

And DP working from home but expecting you to be around a lot as "back up" - that's totally insane. When I read that I thought oh they must be young like anywhere from toddlers to pre-teens. What does he expect you to be around for? To wait on them hand and foot?

Absolutely - the situation is incredibly unhealthy