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Original poster

Astonishing laziness in stepson

42 replies

loopsaloo · 01/08/2023 10:08

He's 21, just finished uni and got a good degree, we are all really pleased for him.
For context, I've been with DH for 10 years but we've only been married just over a year. Bought a house in October last year.
He has always had form for being lazy, but since he's been with us the last two weeks since finishing uni, he has taken it to another level.
Last week he didn't wash or get dressed for 4 days. Had to be prompted by DH. Doesn't cook, offer to help with anything around the house. Absolutely no sign of him finding a job just so he can earn his own money until he can find a career. DH very touchy about him - I feel I can't say anything about this.
DH is a much higher earner than me, but I'm paying all the household bills plus all food shopping, with no contribution from DH or SS to help with his "keep".
I know I need to grow some balls and tackle this but it'll cause some serious tension.
Forgot to mention I have DD 15, DH isn't her dad

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JeandeServiette · 01/08/2023 10:22

I wouldn't "tackle it" at all. He sounds depressed. Not washing for several days straight isn't just laziness. If he was routinely lazy he wouldn't have graduated with a good degree.

Let the parents do the parenting. Stick to discussing what you will and won't personally do (in terms of domestic slack) with your OH.

DeeCeeCherry · 01/08/2023 10:23

"Since he's been with us the last 2 weeks".

So he doesn't live with you then. Why shouldn't he have a break after finishing Uni? He's only just finished Uni, its not as if it was months or years ago! Why are you on his back? If you don't want him there then tell your DH but he's young, yes some young men are slobs I have brothers so I know. However it doesn't mean slob for life does it.

If it were your own child who'd just finished 4 years of study would you be champing at the bit for her to get a job immediately? I suspect not

GrumpyPanda · 01/08/2023 10:31

Depends how it impacts you personally I guess. Does dss expect you to wait on him, for instance? Does he expect different treatment than your dd?
As to the finances, seems like that's mostly between your dh and you. What is dh paying for? How much do you have left after paying all the bills?

LemonLimeDivine · 01/08/2023 10:32

Having another adult in the house will cost more for food. Broach it with DH and say until he gets a job, can you put in extra to the food bill for SS.

I get him wanting a break after uni but if he has form for laziness and then on top of that he has everything done for him and no expectations to contribute, why would he change his behaviour?

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/08/2023 10:34

You need to be able to talk to your husband, it’s worrying you feel you can’t without repercussions.

Why are you paying all bills? Is he paying mortgage or rent instead?

SemperIdem · 01/08/2023 11:02

Why are you paying all the bills?

Original poster
loopsaloo · 01/08/2023 11:03

It's what we agreed when we got the house.
It's a difficult situation
DH very secretive with money

OP posts:
Original poster
loopsaloo · 01/08/2023 11:04

He pays the mortgage

OP posts:
Yea2023 · 01/08/2023 11:20

Are you on the mortgage/deeds, un/equal?

Personally the financial secretiveness would be a core issue for me esp if I had a dependant with no connection to him.

Id ask for a contribution to household costs due to extra expenditure.

DSS does sound a bit depressed or on a come down after his big life event (as in past few years not the ceremony).

Does DH have any concerns? I’d be asking him if he had noticed that DSS seems a bit down and whether he needs help with the ‘what happens now’.

My god daughter recently graduated and she’s actively taking time out to vegetate after a difficult degree (started in pandemic) and EOY exams.

SunRainStorm · 01/08/2023 11:38

The step son is a red herring.

So DH pays the mortgage. Are you named on the title or is it just DH's house?

And you pay all the bills and food, including for his adult child.

So DH gets to spend his money on an asset that will remain/increase in value. Presumably for his own benefit.

And you get to spend money that you never see again, including for an adult child that isn't yours.

I suggest you revisit the financial set up with your DH. Groceries for DSS is just the tip of the iceberg.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2023 11:44

DH very touchy about him - I feel I can't say anything about this.

Of course you can. Your husband doesn't have to like it.

It's what we agreed when we got the house.
It's a difficult situation
DH very secretive with money

What on earth have you gotten yourself into? Things like this really aren't "difficult." They almost always boil down to a series of poor decisions.

SunRainStorm · 01/08/2023 11:50

Are you cooking and cleaning for them all as well?

Is DSS taking a leaf out of his fathers book and seeing you as a skivvy?

Why don't you feel you can talk about money with your DH?

Softoprider · 01/08/2023 12:17

Oh dear, so it looks like it's his house because he pays the mortgage and you get to pay rent by way of paying bills.
I would seriously reconsider my position here Op. Looks like you are being taken for a mug unless you know something different

CwmYoy · 01/08/2023 12:20

Softoprider · 01/08/2023 12:17

Oh dear, so it looks like it's his house because he pays the mortgage and you get to pay rent by way of paying bills.
I would seriously reconsider my position here Op. Looks like you are being taken for a mug unless you know something different

Agreed. You're being taken for a fool.

StartSWagaintomorrow · 01/08/2023 12:22

I don’t know how married couples get into this financial situation of hoarding their own money. Talk to your husband ask him to pay more! Not washing and dressing for 4 days is worrying not just laziness your SS needs help.

BlossomCloud · 01/08/2023 12:23

This whole arrangement sounds ridiculous. Why is he secretive? Why would you put up with that? How bizarre

StartSWagaintomorrow · 01/08/2023 12:23

If DH is not more open with finances I would leave any secrecy is no way to live in a relationship.

Original poster
loopsaloo · 01/08/2023 12:25

My name is on the house, absolutely.
You're all so right.

OP posts:
cheeseandketchupsandwich · 01/08/2023 12:27

loopsaloo · 01/08/2023 11:03

It's what we agreed when we got the house.
It's a difficult situation
DH very secretive with money

Why on earth would you marry a guy who is secretive with his money?!

BlossomCloud · 01/08/2023 12:28

loopsaloo · 01/08/2023 12:25

My name is on the house, absolutely.
You're all so right.

I wouldn't assume that puts you in a safe position

When I went back to work after dc we ended up that (now ex) H paid the mortgage and I paid the childcare (the childcare was more than the mortgage). When we split ex.H lawyers tried to use this to argue he should get the greater share of the house. I mean, didn't let them get away with it, but it still was a revelation to discover that this kind of arrangement will be used as a weapon in a divorce

Spirallingdownwards · 01/08/2023 12:29

Seriously you people. They are married. It doesn't matter if he pays the mortgage and she pays the bills. It may be he pays for more than her. If they divorce she still gets a "share" of the house they bought together.

As regards the stepson I agree he is probably exhausted. Most graduate roles start advertising around September so cut him some slack. He has done his degree so he can get a career. You seem to want him out and into a job, any job. That is something for down the line should his pursuit of grad roles not come to fruition.

I am sure you will feel very differently when it is your own DD in 6 years time or even if she behaves the same way next year after gcses leave her frazzled.

greenteaandmarshmallows · 01/08/2023 12:31

Is he depressed?
Is he on job seekers?

CurlewKate · 01/08/2023 12:31

Two completely different issues here. The step son- I'd chill about that. He probably needs to decompress a bit-and he can't be costing that much to feed. Your husband? Get on top of the "secretive about money" thing immediately. Don't let another day go by until you know exactly where your stand in relation to the house.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/08/2023 12:32

Spirallingdownwards · 01/08/2023 12:29

Seriously you people. They are married. It doesn't matter if he pays the mortgage and she pays the bills. It may be he pays for more than her. If they divorce she still gets a "share" of the house they bought together.

As regards the stepson I agree he is probably exhausted. Most graduate roles start advertising around September so cut him some slack. He has done his degree so he can get a career. You seem to want him out and into a job, any job. That is something for down the line should his pursuit of grad roles not come to fruition.

I am sure you will feel very differently when it is your own DD in 6 years time or even if she behaves the same way next year after gcses leave her frazzled.

Her husband is secretive with his money. That always matters and it's always a huge problem.

SemperIdem · 01/08/2023 12:35

Spirallingdownwards · 01/08/2023 12:29

Seriously you people. They are married. It doesn't matter if he pays the mortgage and she pays the bills. It may be he pays for more than her. If they divorce she still gets a "share" of the house they bought together.

As regards the stepson I agree he is probably exhausted. Most graduate roles start advertising around September so cut him some slack. He has done his degree so he can get a career. You seem to want him out and into a job, any job. That is something for down the line should his pursuit of grad roles not come to fruition.

I am sure you will feel very differently when it is your own DD in 6 years time or even if she behaves the same way next year after gcses leave her frazzled.

His behaviour is thoroughly abnormal, to the point of being concerning. No, cutting him slack is not helpful in this scenario.