Astonishing laziness in stepson

[loopsaloo]

He's 21, just finished uni and got a good degree, we are all really pleased for him.
For context, I've been with DH for 10 years but we've only been married just over a year. Bought a house in October last year.
He has always had form for being lazy, but since he's been with us the last two weeks since finishing uni, he has taken it to another level.
Last week he didn't wash or get dressed for 4 days. Had to be prompted by DH. Doesn't cook, offer to help with anything around the house. Absolutely no sign of him finding a job just so he can earn his own money until he can find a career. DH very touchy about him - I feel I can't say anything about this.
DH is a much higher earner than me, but I'm paying all the household bills plus all food shopping, with no contribution from DH or SS to help with his "keep".
I know I need to grow some balls and tackle this but it'll cause some serious tension.
Forgot to mention I have DD 15, DH isn't her dad

Agreed.

And honestly how can people be that exhausted after uni? I got a first (in a tough subject), volunteered regularly, had a part time job and got university colours for my involvement in a sport. And I still recall having time to party and to relax. (And I experienced several awful bereavements too so life wasn't easy)

Unless he is depressed/ill/on drugs he should be able to get out of bed.

My youngest has just finished his A levels and spent the first two days doing bugger all. On the second day of staying in his pit past lunchtime, I opened his bedroom door and shouted 'Up! Now! I'm not having you sleep all day during summer. There's jobs to be done, money to be made, fun to have.' This was after the fifth time of me asking politely to get up. His dad needs to boot him up the arse! Does he have friends in the area? I think mine would struggle if they didn't.

Would asking your DH an open question about DSS's plans after summer cause problems? If so, that's an issue in itself.

The financial secrecy is a big problem. What are his reasons for this and what do you think his motives are?

It's been two weeks. Give him a chance ffs

I feel I can't say anything about this

Why? What situation/behaviour would arise that you're trying to avoid?

He has been like this since I've known him. He's famous in the family for the level of laziness.

I would not want to share my home with someone who did not wash for 4 days! I am amazed that anyone would say that this is something that you should tolerate.

Most graduate roles start advertising around September so cut him some slack. He has done his degree so he can get a career. You seem to want him out and into a job, any job. That is something for down the line should his pursuit of grad roles not come to fruition.

Surely it's the other way round. In my friendship group we all got a job, any job to do while we looked for a career. It was expected of us and we wanted to earn money.

Your DH needs to contribute more, you shouldn't be subsidising a grown adult that you didn't give birth to. Your husband doesn't have to like it but I've learnt from being a SM that sometimes you have to have difficult conversations. And that's aside from the smelliness and lazing around.

My nephew has just finished his degree and has got himself a bar job while he decides what to do. 'Decompress'?? What bollocks. He needs to get off his arse.

Surely it's the other way round. In my friendship group we all got a job, any job to do while we looked for a career. It was expected of us and we wanted to earn money.

100% this. I can't believe the sheer laziness of some young adults now.

Well. I think there were always some young adults wasting their lives away for no good reason (v different if ill/depressed)

But certainly there are so many adventures to be had at that age whether working, travelling or volunteering, I can't imagine wanting to just lie around in the house for weeks.

Same is going on here with my step son . I have had a row with my husband today about it . There must be an awful, awful lot of depressed (lazy ) young adults around . I feel I am being taken for the mug !

Could you just stop doing any housework/Cooking ? If your DH doesn't have the guts to take it up with his son then he can just do it all himself.

Since I took this approach DH has occasionally started hauling DSD out of bed to help him out. I'm not working a 50 hour week while disabled plus sorting everything else while a grown adult lies in bed 23 hours a day. Emerging only to eat /shower.

You are married, he pays the mortgage, what would be your situation if you were single with a child on your own. You are much better off now, so don’t spoil the relationship by complaining, of course husband is protective of his son, as you would be of your child. They will sort it all out eventually, my own boys had lazy unsociable spells eventually they sorted it out, dont discriminate treat him as one of yours.

Finance, you do need money of your own

That is appalling advice. Put up and shut up because there is potential financial benefit? Vile.

Agree. Also most of us wouldn't allow our own children to be lazy I imagine. Mine have always been expected to help and do so willingly

I'm in the same situation. Stepson is 26 he works but does nothing around the house. Me and DH do all the cooking and housework. Stepson never offers to help with anything. DH refuses to bring it up with him.

But someone needs to pay for the extra person in the household. And it should be him. You are married now - money secrets should be over.