DSD possessive of baby

[Guysnwasps]

DH and I have a new baby together. We both have children from previous relationships and they’re all happy about the new baby.
stepchild is 7 and says ‘my little sister’ to everyone with pride. It makes us really happy she has adjusted to being a big sister so well.
except she is constantly trying to push my children out. They’re 9 and 6. If they want to see or hold baby my stepdaughter will say, no my sister not yours. it’s upsetting them a lot as they feel sidelined in favour of step daughter. I know she’s excited and we love how involved she is, but it’s not fair on my children.
We’ve told her she is all of their sibling and they must take turns, but after 10 minutes she is screaming and telling my children to leave ‘her sister’ alone.
were not sure how to deal with this appropriately without it seeming like we’re pushing her out. She stays with us a lot so she isn’t jealous or missing out. I want time with my own 3 children without feeling like I have to pander to this situation.
DH thinks we should let her continue until the novelty wears off, but I’ve pointed out it may not stop and my children will get even less look in the more this is allowed, it’s already been 9 weeks.
i don’t know why it bothers me so much that she won’t accept the baby is all of their sibling and not just hers. Perhaps I’m just exhausted and overwhelmed, but it’s getting too much now and hearing ‘my sister’ not ‘our sister’
how do I even this out fairly without causing anyone to be left out?

I want time with my own 3 children without feeling like I have to pander to this situation.

She is being pushed out, and she knows it, and is fighting to retain her place in the family and in her new sisters affections

How is she being pushed out?
she’s with us half the week, sometimes more, and gets lots of time with everyone. She’s considered in everything to the point where it’s affecting my own 2 children feeling being pushed out to ensure she’s included. What more can we do?
You offered no advice whatsoever but thanks for your time.

Your DH is suggesting the route that’s easiest for him plus SD gets her own way……That is not the answer.
He needs to parent his child. This is
an important and special time for all the children to enjoy. Not for one of them to call the shots.
As for wanting to enjoy time with your three children, I get it.

I think she needs to be sent to her room to cool off when she starts kicking off about others touching the baby. She's one enough to be told No. Pandering to her isn't going to help her at all.

*old enough.

It sounds to me like she's feeling quite insecure. That doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong, you sounds lovely but feelings aren't always rational.
I have not been in this situation but I would be firm but fair. Correct her every time, but reassure her that she's loved and that her sister loves her very much. If she starts to scream and shout then sanction her behaviour. It's not ok to be cruel and mean to her half siblings or anyone for that matter.
I'd also make sure she has plenty of time just her and her dad etc and keep reassuring her that she is part of your family.

My niece went through this stage where she wasn't really understanding family dynamics;she'd get upset to the point of tears if my children (they are all older than her) referred to their joint grandparents as say "grandma" and my niece would say "no my grandma not yours" or her brother as "no my daddy not your uncle".

She was not being a brat about it she was genuinely struggling to understand it all.

Try to look at it from her point of view;she's only seven,daddy lives permanently with two other children and her new sister lives with them permanently too;she might get be struggling to understand how she fits in all of this.

It it worth doing a family tree to put on your wall with the children to help her understand where she fits in to all of this?;maybe all three children can help decorate it and you can add photos to it?

Would a sand timer help in regards to holding you daughter?;DSD gets 5 minutes then your other children 5 month minutes each?

Are you there any books a available on blended families like yours to read to her?

As for your partner;he needs to stop being so passive and actively help monitor the situation and support you and his daughter here.

Good luck

Are your dc with you all the time or does dsd have the perception they are with you more than she is? I think I’d go with gently correcting (and get your dp onboard with that) and maybe giving all the dc sone alone time with their parent and baby sister - so dp and dsd take baby for a walk in the pram, you take your dc out for milk shake with baby etc. you could also adjust the schedule to be less overlap with your dc and dsd in the short term if that’s possible. Keep reminding yourself she’s just trying to establish her place in the family and it’s more positive then if she disliked the new baby.

Maybe at 7 DSD is still trying to fully understand the connections. As the baby is her dad's daughter, she might see baby as her sister but not your DC's sister as your DH isn't their dad. A simplified family tree with photos could be a good idea, and a way to explain everyone's relationship to each other.

Thank you all, a family tree is a great idea.
we spent the pregnancy explaining everything to her and involving her in everything baby related. She understood the baby would be all of their sibling whilst her and my children won’t be biologically connected were still a family, so she may have confused that to mean baby isn’t related to my other children. We don’t want to bring in labels with step this/ half this, as I worry that causes more of a divide, but she purposely overlooks ‘sharing’ the baby and finds it funny when my children are upset or remind her she’s their baby sister too.
she gets lots of one on one time with her dad and he’s also taken her and baby out together, we try to do things as a family a lot too as we also get time with just my 3 when DSD isn’t with us so we keep it fair and equal. She’s with us at least 3 weekdays a week and alternative weekends. We have her for half of the school summer holidays plus extra days if her mum needs to work away.
short of all this I’m not sure what else we can do to reassure her whilst also ensuring my children are included and not sidelined by her behaviour. I know we need to tread carefully as it could be hidden jealousy, and I love her to pieces like my own 3, but it’s starting to bother me a lot where I’d prefer her to have no interest in the baby to avoid all this. She has 4 other siblings at her mums house so she isn’t new to this, although it’s new on her dad’s side.

I've not been in this situation, but the suggestion of a family tree with pictures sounds like a great idea! Kids like a visual and it may simplify things for her.

7 siblings, I’m not surprising she’s not sure who’s who. The family tree sounds like a great idea, and a lovely way to talk about lol being part of the same family. Different branches, but all together.
talk about the things we have in common, and the things that are different.

YOur DCS get their new sibling 7 days per week - she gets less than that and she is jealous and insecure. Your other 2 are not being sidelined. She does need to learn to share but put it in perspective -your DCs get to see/ play with their dear sis 7 days per week - 4 of those exclusive to them.

She gets 3 days or a weekend and you are expecting her to share that time - giving her v little time overall. She is too young to understand the nuances but just knows she gets less.

Give her a break and help her adjust to yet another new situation in her short life - the novelty will wear off and your 2 can get their fill on the other 4 + days per week.

There is nothing fair and equal in this to a 7 yr olds brain

On these threads the sks always come out on top 😏.

She's 7 so would have some understanding, if it's not dealt with it could only get worse, don't ride it out till the novelty wears of, keep correcting her when she says it, your kids should not be feeling like this when she's there just to suit her and keep the peace x

Maybe she’s confused how baby can be all their sibling when the other siblings aren’t related

7 siblings! Are the other 4 related to her dad?

I remember a friend in school went through something similar. She was 12 and quite unhappy about her father's new baby daughter. Not that she didn't like the baby but this baby got their father every day, she was the child that only got him some of the time. Could she be struggling with being the 'less of daddy' child?

It sounds like you're doing everything right as regards blending your family. DH is right to a certain extent, the novelty probably will wear off but I wouldn't just ignore the behaviour in the meantime. Continue to gently remind about sharing and the visual family tree is a great idea. If she screams and tantrums, then deal with that behaviour the same way as you would for any other reason. It probably is rooted in her insecurity, so it's right to be mindful of that, be understanding and accept that it might take a while. But allowing her to get her own way through screaming is never a good path to take IMO.

Have there been disagreements between them and your dsd before? My neice used to do this a lot - it turned out she was ‘protecting’ the baby because her stepmum’s son used to bully her and nobody knew until it she was approached about ‘sharing’ the baby? She relaxed when they seperated the kids for a bit (ie the boy would go and see his dad when my neice came to see hers).

Write down a schedule where every dc has half an hour 1to1 with the baby. Fit yourself in there too op! Looking back 1 of my dd's really hogged ds unless he was red and screaming and then I got him back!

We have the opposite problem with my ss, he is also with us more than half the week sometimes, and thanks to his manipulative mother he doesn’t think our baby is his sibling at all 🙄 but anyway, your sd needs to just be told at times, no, leave the baby now please, simple. Your dh needs to grow a pair.

Yep this. The step kids seem to always take priority over any other kids in the house, bloody daft. Your kids matter too op, I’m pretty sure if it was one of your kids acting like it and pushing your sd out your dh would have something to say.

I agree with others - it sounds like your current approach is good for when she's just saying "my sibling not yours" etc, but when she starts screaming and shouting she needs to be sanctioned. She could spoil your children's bond with the baby and that isn't fair. I get that she might be insecure etc but this isn't just about her, you cannot pander to her at the expense of your children. Especially as this is not her first sibling. Your DP needs to understand this. If he won't discipline her when she behaves this way, you will need to.

I'd also focus a lot of energy on building up your own children's bond with the baby to counteract this nastiness, in your shoes.

Thanks everyone, I knew I’d probably get a bashing for being the evil step mother preventing my step daughter from being near the baby. 😒
No her 4 siblings are not my DH’s or they’d also be included in my stepchildren figures.
I just worry she will begin to say we are stopping her from holding the baby etc when it’s time to let my children hold her. Even if she isn’t with us every day I still think it’s important she learns that when she is she needs to take turns and accept the baby has other siblings and they shouldn’t be scared to approach baby in case stepdaughter screams or lashes out. Initially it began that she’d get a lot of attention and time with the baby as my children have that every day, but I think this may have now triggered the situation. They are all treated the same and I don’t believe step children should get extra attention or treatment just because they aren’t with us every day, I’ve witnessed a lot of bad behaviour come from that set up.
DH aunt tutted at me for correcting stepdaughter with ‘our’ when she told my eldest ‘i want to hold my sister now’. I don’t want my children living in her shadow because they will take anything and not say a word so it’s my job to ensure they are included and happy.
We’ve made a start on the family tree, we just need some photos then we’ll go through it with her on Friday.