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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSD possessive of baby

46 replies

Guysnwasps · 31/07/2023 18:50

DH and I have a new baby together. We both have children from previous relationships and they’re all happy about the new baby.
stepchild is 7 and says ‘my little sister’ to everyone with pride. It makes us really happy she has adjusted to being a big sister so well.
except she is constantly trying to push my children out. They’re 9 and 6. If they want to see or hold baby my stepdaughter will say, no my sister not yours. it’s upsetting them a lot as they feel sidelined in favour of step daughter. I know she’s excited and we love how involved she is, but it’s not fair on my children.
We’ve told her she is all of their sibling and they must take turns, but after 10 minutes she is screaming and telling my children to leave ‘her sister’ alone.
were not sure how to deal with this appropriately without it seeming like we’re pushing her out. She stays with us a lot so she isn’t jealous or missing out. I want time with my own 3 children without feeling like I have to pander to this situation.
DH thinks we should let her continue until the novelty wears off, but I’ve pointed out it may not stop and my children will get even less look in the more this is allowed, it’s already been 9 weeks.
i don’t know why it bothers me so much that she won’t accept the baby is all of their sibling and not just hers. Perhaps I’m just exhausted and overwhelmed, but it’s getting too much now and hearing ‘my sister’ not ‘our sister’
how do I even this out fairly without causing anyone to be left out?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

toomuchlaundry · 01/08/2023 11:19

So has she gone from being an only child to having 7 siblings in quite a short period of time, no wonder she is acting out

Original poster

Guysnwasps · 01/08/2023 11:29

She’s never been an only child, 3 of her siblings from her mum are older than her

OP posts:

TimeIhadaNameChange · 01/08/2023 11:34

I'd keep on doing what you're doing. Full sisters here, but I remember getting pissed off hearing my sister talking about "my nan," "my dad" for a whole weekend with our mum saying nothing, knowing that if I'd dared to say anything but "our" my mum would have pulled me up on it and my sister gone away in a mood.

aSofaNearYou · 01/08/2023 11:37

I just worry she will begin to say we are stopping her from holding the baby etc when it’s time to let my children hold her.

My DD has a lovely bond with her 1 year old sister, but she only held her every now and then, because she isn't a doll. It sounds somewhat like all the children expect her to be passed between them all the time. I would try and take some of that tension and entitlement out of it - don't take her off one child because it's another child's "turn", take her off them because you're the adult/parent and it's normal for you to look after her most of the time. You need to check she's fed, happy and has a clean nappy etc. Don't always tell the kids they can have a turn because the other kid had a turn, tell them you'll come to them next time the baby wants a cuddle. This is what I would do, at least!

SemperIdem · 01/08/2023 11:55

aSofaNearYou · 01/08/2023 11:37

I just worry she will begin to say we are stopping her from holding the baby etc when it’s time to let my children hold her.

Entirely this.

Spinet · 01/08/2023 12:02

I think I would be working on building the relationship between the 3 non-baby siblings. So maybe take your SD out/ do activities with your 6 yr old one day and the 9 yr old the next, or find some games that build teams and get them to play them together. Whoever doesn't need to look after the baby could do this. Lots of love bombing for all the children.

I think the answer is in making her feel like she has a place with everyone in the family and building each separate relationship she has within the family unit as much as possible.

Hillstreet · 01/08/2023 12:11

It’s likely that she feels insecure in her position as ‘big sister’ because she doesn’t live with the baby full time.

Do your children visit their dad? If so, could you gently point this out?

You could say something like: “I can see you want to hold your sister. You haven’t seen her for a few days and it’s ok to miss her. DD misses her when she’s at her dads house too. We have to share cuddling her because we all want to spend time with her”.

That way she might feel on more of an equal footing with your children and might find taking turns easier.

ChatBFP · 01/08/2023 12:18

Yes, other PPs have given great advice

Family tree sounds ace.

Stop treating baby as a doll to be shared - SD instinctively knows that the other kids will get more time on the days she is not there and she is just trying to prove a point that she is "as special" to your kids, who are there all the time. It's not acceptable, but she is 7. Try to make the sibling bonding less of a thing for everyone - it should be an organic process rather than a "desirable prize". That's not saying you shouldn't spend time with your 3 kids, btw, quite the opposite, but maybe emphasise that babies go through phases, they are quite hard to "know" at this stage, once a bit older you start to see what they are interested in etc. this is just like the grandparent/new baby threads where a grandparent gets competitive with another grandparent or with mum (except that adults should know better) - there can be an unrealistic expectation of special bonding with quite young babies, who really only need mum at this stage. When baby becomes a child, who knows what interests they might have - they will almost certainly be easier to relate to.

Sounds as if SD has no younger siblings that she can remember being born (so this is especially "big" for her) and may have two homes in which she is less "permanent" than her siblings. That must be a bit tough for her - this is not your fault, it's just one of those things and you do sound like a kind and sensitive SM. Maybe the family tree (which you obvs should do for her extensions too) will help her to understand that she has connections that her siblings don't share. Are there other things that your SD can be asked about to bring out the positives of her arrangement? As part of the family tree exercise, could you ask her to think of the thing she likes the most about each of her "connections" and suggest some of the things they might like most about her?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/08/2023 13:00

Guysnwasps · 31/07/2023 20:16

Thank you all, a family tree is a great idea.
we spent the pregnancy explaining everything to her and involving her in everything baby related. She understood the baby would be all of their sibling whilst her and my children won’t be biologically connected were still a family, so she may have confused that to mean baby isn’t related to my other children. We don’t want to bring in labels with step this/ half this, as I worry that causes more of a divide, but she purposely overlooks ‘sharing’ the baby and finds it funny when my children are upset or remind her she’s their baby sister too.
she gets lots of one on one time with her dad and he’s also taken her and baby out together, we try to do things as a family a lot too as we also get time with just my 3 when DSD isn’t with us so we keep it fair and equal. She’s with us at least 3 weekdays a week and alternative weekends. We have her for half of the school summer holidays plus extra days if her mum needs to work away.
short of all this I’m not sure what else we can do to reassure her whilst also ensuring my children are included and not sidelined by her behaviour. I know we need to tread carefully as it could be hidden jealousy, and I love her to pieces like my own 3, but it’s starting to bother me a lot where I’d prefer her to have no interest in the baby to avoid all this. She has 4 other siblings at her mums house so she isn’t new to this, although it’s new on her dad’s side.

So she has seven step/half siblings? Jesus, no wonder the poor kid is confused, bouncing between those two households.

Presumably your kids are not "sidelined" the half of the week and every other weekend when poor stepdaughter is at her mother's home getting lost in the crowd there.

Have a little empathy for her.

gogomoto · 01/08/2023 13:04

The fa f you used the expression "time with my own 3 children" means my suspicion is she is getting the vibe that she's not part of the core group at least subconsciously and is trying to cement her position.

aSofaNearYou · 01/08/2023 13:06

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune She obviously does have empathy for her throughout her posts, there is no need to be so negative.

toomuchlaundry · 01/08/2023 13:13

If she is the only child with her mum and OP's partner, and many of her other siblings have full sibling relationship she probably wants a sibling just for her

Iwasafool · 01/08/2023 13:14

toomuchlaundry · 01/08/2023 13:13

If she is the only child with her mum and OP's partner, and many of her other siblings have full sibling relationship she probably wants a sibling just for her

That's a good point.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/08/2023 13:15

toomuchlaundry · 01/08/2023 13:13

If she is the only child with her mum and OP's partner, and many of her other siblings have full sibling relationship she probably wants a sibling just for her

Agree. She is desperate for a sense of belonging.

feralunderclass · 02/08/2023 13:07

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ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 13:27

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I've been wondering the same thing. The chaos it creates for these poor children.

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 13:45

What do you suggest the op does @ZeldaWillTellYourFortune, @feralunderclass? Pops the baby out for the milkman to take because god forbid it be a child from a second relationship? Your input is hardly helpful.

feralunderclass · 02/08/2023 14:05

I don't mean to be unhelpful, but you see this so often on here. Adults need to be aware that children over different households can create such insecurity for them. They then go on to have MORE kids and fail to parent properly. It's just so sad.

SunRainStorm · 02/08/2023 14:10

She's too old for that IMO.

She should understand that the baby is the sister of all the children.

I wouldn't pander to it.

If she's feeling displaced etc then deal with that, but I wouldn't indulge another second of her being possessive over the baby.

feralunderclass · 02/08/2023 14:19

I'm talking about the OPs partner BTW. He got with a woman who had 2 dc and had another with her. She had another dc with someone else. The OPs partner got with a woman with 2 dc and had another child. He isn't very concerned about parenting his child who is displaying massive insecurity issues (and in this set up who could blame her 😢).

MeridianB · 02/08/2023 14:23

Regardless of why she is doing it (which can be addressed separately) at 7 she is absolutely old enough to be corrected here. If she tantrums, let her. But amid reassurance and praise for the things she does well, I'd be addressing this issue every single time until she gets the message.

If your DH starts getting Disney about it then ask him how he'd feel if one of your children kept pushing his DD away and telling her she couldn't hold the baby.

Ignore the tutting aunt - none of her business. You instincts are correct.

On the bigger picture, does DSD get plenty of 1:1 time with her Dad? Could the three of them have some time together for a short park trip or cafe each weekend? And you do the same with yours - time away from DSD?

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