Forced to choose between my kids and her ?

[Japer78]

I’m recently separated primarily as a result of the way my ex treated my kids. Treated them very differently to hers. Would go through diaries, not say good night to them, aggressive … just nasty imo. As a result our relationship broke down and lots of stupid things said and done.

Eventually she said my daughter had to go to boarding school or she was out. I was forced to choose my kids or her ! I chose my kids. Am I wrong ?

Sadly still miss her though but had to choose kids.

Is blending a family really possible when each spouse brings multiple kids of same age ?

I believe dads are better at treating all kids as the same as they don’t have that mommy bear instinct - don’t shoot the messenger 😂

Interested to hear your thoughts ?

Of course your kids should be your priority. But equally her kids have to be hers. And if your daughter was actually seriously negatively affecting her children then she is equally able to put boundaries in place to protect them.

TBh in your Op you come over like you’re trying to make her sound like a Disney evil step mum but real life is nearly always more complex and nuanced than them.

As lovely as it was a lot of the time. Wouldn’t recommend trying to blend a family.

Beautiful picture impossible reality …

Well clearly there were issues - what was/is the issue with your daughters behaviour?

Anyone who has been divorced knows that it always complicated and very rarely is it only one spouses fault. What I am battling with is the complexity of a blended family and how when the poo hits the fan parents look after biological kids first and marriage second.

My daughter was doing the usual teenage stuff … but also self harming.

It sounds like she has done what is right for her children and you’ve done what’s right for yours.

Neither of you are wrong.

I hope you get some mental health support for your daughter.

What’s the usual teenage stuff? And I can see the issues if her children are aware of the self harming. Are you dealing with it? Are you helping your daughter? She shouldn’t be reading her diary but is she doing it out of concern? If someone has been abusive towards you you aren’t going to be inclined to say a nice goodnight. I would like to read this from her point of view because I think it would be different to yours.
Marriage vows are secondary to children imo, everything is.

Just don't live together? Both me and BF have kids, no plans to cohabit.

Was she reading your daughters diary because she was aware of the self harming and deeply concerned, less willing to pass it off as “the usual teenage stuff”?

Nah daughter had stopped just a controlling

Maybe your daughter was misbehaving & self-harming as a result of living with this woman?

I think it's natural to put your own children first & you have made the right choice. It's why blended families are so difficult to get right.

Could you not see your ex for dates and just not live together & expect the kids to compromise their wishes.

Is the mother involved with your daughter? Does she spend all her time with you?

What is a ‘mommy bear instinct*? Do you think men don’t love their kids as much? Or women are hysterical? Do tell

I get what he means by that. Not that dad's don't love their kids but mother's carry their kids inside them for 9 months, so I think there's always going to be that extra bond that they'll never have with a stepkid, regardless of how much they love them.

Would go through diaries, not say good night to them, aggressive … just nasty imo.

could this be why your dd struggles with her mental health? Yes you made the right decision. Yes it is weird that you miss someone who mistreated your children but as you say, you don't have the mummy bear instinct 🙄

It shouldn't even be a question of whether to put your kids before your relationship. Your child comes first. It's actually insane you'd even be thinking you'd made a mistake and should have sent your child away to keep your shag ffs.

She was probably being difficult because you were in a relationship with a cruel, controlling bitch who tried to push her out of your "new family".

Even if your DD was a total nightmare and was affecting her kids negatively, she should have just told you she was removing her self and her kids from the situation. She should have just chosen her kids in this situation without giving you that ultimatum and asking you to choose between her and your child.

It sounds like this particular blended family wasn't working for all involved. Doesn't mean all blended families are doomed. I think you should focus on supporting your DD and making her a priority before you even entertain bringing another woman into her life.

Op can you expand on exactly how your daughter was hurting her kids ?

That was my thought. But he knows everyone on here will back him up and curse her.

Or maybe she went out of way to put the new family out of the picture, and achieved it.

Where did you get that from?
OP you did the right thing, as did she. Children shouldn't have to put up with rubbish stepparents. I say this as a step mother.DH would have left me if I treated DSS badly. This actually made me love him more.

Well, in that case it’s a good thing that your daughter isn’t around her children anymore. She shouldn’t have to go to boarding school no, but equally so her children shouldn’t have to be negatively impacted by your daughter.

Yeah, Yeah. You put your daughter first which is what you should be doing. But you’re acting like you and your daughter are both big victims when you’re not. Your daughter negatively affected her children probably over a prolonged period of time, which was an actual reality they had to put up with. What was you doing to sort that out?
Your ex made a probably empty threat regarding boarding school (unless you’re loaded), but nevertheless made it clear that she didn’t want to be around her anymore.
And now you’re shouting from the rooftops about what an amazing father you are for putting her first because this horrid woman has had enough of your daughter’s behaviour. Do you want a pat on the back?

Not sure what you're looking for? A gold star for putting your DCs first? Everyone to gang up on your ex for ... putting her DCs first? You tried a relationship. It didn't work.
Tbh considering your DD has struggled with self-harm and your ex says your DD negatively impacted her family, most parents would be focusing on supporting their DCs, not touting for brownie points on a mainly female website.
Blended families do work but they need shared values and a willingness to put in the effort. Your relationship didn't meet those criteria.

Your question is easier than adding one plus one, dearest.
You chose well.
Kids, always kids.

Now.... why are you missing this piece of work?
And why did you spend more than one micro second exposing your kids to this behaviour?! You need to work on that.
Dads do have a Daddy Bear instinct. Sorry, but no need to differenciate between mother and father on this. Another bit you got wrong.
You do have some personal issues to sort before you put your children through any more shite.

Sounds like my ex he couldn’t stand my kids so showed him the door always put your kids first they’ll thank you in the long run for it

This and also what @funinthesun19 said 🤷‍♀️