DP irrational and defensive

[Pixieb34]

Anyone else’s DP completely irrational about their own children? I cannot say a word which slightly contradicts his thoughts and what he wants to do with his children without getting my head bitten off. Bordering on Disney behaviour at times. I get that we all feel defensive about our own children (I have 2 teenage sons also) but his is just irrational. No holding then to account on anything and all I get is ‘he’s my son’ like it’s some bleeding hearts storyline every time when in fact his son has been a total shit!!!
Sorry for rant…nearly ready for walking.

Before the crazies get here.

It's totally ok to rant, you should in your own home be able to call things out that any of the kids do (yours and his).

Disney dad ding comes usually from a place of guilt. They want to be friends with their child opposed to parenting their children.

Have you read stepmonster ? (Game changer in terms of step families) give it a read and maybe to your dh too.

Blended families are hard but made 100x worse if you can have open honest discussions.

Completely understand. I can't say a word against my step kids. I treat them exactly the same. I ask all children to put their shoes away as they come in, or scrape their plate and put it in the dishwasher. If they don't do it and I say something, it's always, why are you getting at them. No I'm telling them they haven't done something, I'd tell my own children the same. Nope; can't have a moan at all even if they are in the wrong.

Thank you, at least I know I’m not the only one!!
I've not read Stepmonster so I’ll look it up 😊
I have read a lot on keeping a distance and your mouth shut about step children but I find that approach demeaning tbh, especially when he wants me to look after them while he’s at work!! I’m not a doormat!!

@Pixieb34 I think if your dp is asking for childcare from you when he's at work you have to say to him I will do that for you but I need to be able to discipline the kids or he needs to find other arrangements.

I would also point out that childminders would also if required discipline the children too. Not many people sign up to be childcare and have no rules they allowed to enforce

@namechangenacyyes absolutely!!
It’s more that I can’t have an opinion, my thoughts/feelings are irrelevant as they’re his kids and he’ll do what he wants. Even when it’s really poor parenting and things then affect me. Sick of his attitude really. I’d be better on my own without the hassle and drama of his kids and ex!!!

I think it depends what you’re saying tbh and how long you’ve been in their lives.

I would find it very difficult for a man to tell me how I should be raising my own child, especially if they’re being negative about my parenting.

@Pixieb34 I hate saying it but you have a dp problem. Not all blended families are like this.

It's hard don't get me wrong brain shattering hard but you have to speak to him and say look this isn't how you treat your team mate. It's not you vs us - we are supposed to be a team and if you feel like you can't talk about how you feel with your team mate, you won't feel human.

Give the book a read and then speak to your dp also there's a podcast on Spotify that's brillant (can't remember the dammed name of it)

All the best op

We’ve been together for 7 years. And it’s usually him tolerating and bending over backwards when presented with shitty behaviour as he’s scared his son/daughter won’t see him.
It’s always been to same and I should’ve known it wouldn’t change.
@namechangenacy yes I do have a DP problem! I told him tonight that this is meant to be a partnership, I deserve respect from him as his partner and in my own home. He refuses to see I have a point…I’m seeing no point in him anymore

It’s more that I can’t have an opinion, my thoughts/feelings are irrelevant as they’re his kids and he’ll do what he wants.

Then stop looking after them when he goes to work etc. He needs to find alternative arrangements if you can't even open your mouth.

You have three choices here:
Stay, with nothing changing for the next thirty years (it won't change once they become adults).
Stay but with relationship therapy/better communication.
Leave.

Whichever you choose just stop being babysitting. Only you can decide but personally after the disrepectful way he has treated you so far, I would leave.

Yep same here .. he’s ridiculous at times he was actually comparing the amount of pants my DD8 has to his DD15 has last week .. DD is here full time it’s her only home DSD is here 4 nights per month if that .. course one needs more pants. I try to ignore it.. did point out DSD will not appreciate him going through her pant draw to try and prove his non existent point 🙄

I’ve always taken the approach that if i don’t get an opinion/input then I’m not going to be involved in caring for them. My DH has been very good at taking my opinion and views into account but every so often he’s acted like he’s his is the only view that matters and I’ve been quite clear that if that’s the case then he’s parenting on his own and the consequences are his to deal with

Definitely a Dp problem and I suspect he is similarly hostile to his ex, hence the conflict. What does he down or say do if you ask his children to clean up?

@Lira715 that is ridiculous 🙄 so OTT like they’ve got something to prove.

@Livinghappy I don’t usually say much if he’s here, I let him get on with it. I ask for tidying up if I’m looking after his daughter and she does it, but does nothing while her dad is here cos he does it.

And yeah, he’s getting the best bits from being with me…as long as I don’t have an opinion, and I’m fuming with myself for agreeing to spend part of my hard earned school holidays babysitting!!

Don't be furious for offering to do a kind thing. It's not your fault your partner is being a bellend.

That said next time if your not allowed a opinion, then no childcare.

I think sometimes dads can act like this in the heat of the moment. But if it's consistently like this and he doesn't care how you feel then it's a red flag.

I'm sorry lovely 💐

Perhaps now is the time to make a point and not look after his children during the holidays? Tell him if your opinion doesnt matter then he can find someone else. Book something, anything for you and your kids. Why would he change when he knows you will continue to suck it up? You are making it easy for him. I would tell him to find someone else and spend some quality time with my own kids. If you are close to calling it a day what harm could it do?

Agree with PP. Regardless of the fact you have agreed to help out in the holidays, that’s what it is; help. It’s not your responsibility, it’s like looking after a niece or nephew, you wouldn’t be expected to have them but never be able to tell them “no” or ask them to have basic manners.

I had this in the early days, so I stopped helping so much (never did childcare, but did used to get up with SC every weekend whilst DH had a lie in, and do a lot of activities so he got plenty of relaxation). I simply said that if I wasn’t going to be treated with respect and allowed an opinion or to even say simple things I’d say to my own DC, then I’m not doing it.
Anyway, over time it worked as he does listen and expect his DC to do as I ask of them, etc (not all the time, it’s a work in progress but it’s massively improved).

You just need to have a frank discussion with him and say if he wants you to help with parenting (ie childcare) then he has to respect you as that and you work as a team, otherwise he finds alternative childcare or tells his ex he can’t have them on days he’s working

I'm sorry but he's using you like staff.

He wants you to care for his kids, without any real input and clean up after them, but for zero pay?

Tell him that if you can't discipline his kids when they do something wrong, then you can't look after them and he needs to sort alternative childcare; make it his problem to deal with.

He refuses to allow me any opinion or take anything I say on board about his kids. Said I should keep my oar out of his business with his kids. This is the man who asked me to marry him 12 months ago and who I’ve just supported through an absolutely horrendous 7 month custody battle.
I’ve told him it’s over.

Bless you. Sounds like he’s too stubborn to see what his behaviour is actually doing.
You can’t possibly keep your oar out when they are in your home and you’re expected to look after them, he’s being hugely unreasonable and unrealistic.
Good on you for making this decision. It’s hard but you really can’t continue like that and certainly don’t want to marry when this is his attitude, believe me it would only get worse 💐

I'm so sorry he couldn't meet you half way. You weren't asking for much, just a little consideration.

Stop looking after his kids or him. No cooking, no laundry, no running around, no babysitting. And don't be fooled by any backtracking on his part, this is him.

Are you able to leave/kick him out or is the house in joint names?

He has started to backtrack now, but I know this is him and it would take a miracle for him to change his mindset.
We own the house together so it would need to be sold before either of us could move out financially.
I knew bringing families together and being a step parent would be difficult but I never thought it would be this bad.
Total mess!!
Thank you to everyone who has commented on my post.

Yes, sounds familiar, 10 years in, and having had my head bitten off numerous times, I now say nothing at all.

@Pixieb34 Then I would suggest that he uses his oar to look after the kids, not you.

my dd has a sm and if my ex was like this with my dd sm - I would call him a complete bellend.

Im so sorry this must be massively painful 💐

At least you can get a smaller house. You don't have to make room for his children anymore. I hope your house sells fast. Your stress level will decrease.