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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Summer holiday support thread

100 replies

memoriesofamiga · 24/07/2023 18:39

I know plenty of step parents struggle with the summer holidays and the change in routine (I'm definitely one of them) so I thought it might be helpful to have a running thread for support during the next 6 weeks or so. 😀

I'll start. DSDs (13 and 11) have just arrived for 2 weeks. It's the longest time in the year they have away from their Mum with us and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't on edge, even after 7 years of being with their Dad. He's a disney dad who wants to force us all to be together all the time, when neither they nor I want that. My own DD (12) struggles with oversocialisation so it's a tricky balance for everyone. Literally 5 minutes after they've arrived and DP is stressing himself because the dishwasher is full from last night's cooking. That'll be a pointed comment in my direction because I've been off work spendng time with DD today. He's now saying he isn't sure how he's going to cook a meal. He could hand wash, but no. The SKs have arrived, not said hello (which is usual) and gone to their rooms. It's going to be a very long summer. 🤣

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

namechangenacy · 09/08/2023 07:11

BungleandGeorge · 08/08/2023 21:58

Perhaps the kids want to stick to every other weekend because it creates an environment where they will have presumed regular contact, otherwise it’s a case of parent making excuses and doing something else/ getting rid of the ability for them to stay over.

I mean that's not how well adjusted humans work.

That's how a adult thinks (who wants to prioritise their "down time")

If my dd got to 18 and was still following a very ridged visiting schedule I would be extremely worried I had failed as a parent.

GreenRedBlue · 09/08/2023 08:36

Oh no @littlepeaches I really hope you're OK and that this was just an argument in the heat of the moment that you can both get over.

Some sort of counselling where he actually listens to your side of what it's like as a step-parent and the implementation of boundaries / roles for SKs might help - tbh it should probably a prerequisite for getting into a relationship where there are children involved!

harriethoyle · 09/08/2023 08:52

Hope you're OK @littlepeaches - FWIW I think your DH is way out of line arranging three weeks of holiday time with his DD, off-loading the parenting to you and then criticising you for the way you do it!! Not on at all... Hope you have some RL support.

Babyghirl · 09/08/2023 17:10

Well I'm 9 weeks in to 12 year old sd being here, hopefully she going home on sat, its honestly her friends I'm looking forward to seeing the back of tbh xx

Floofydawg · 19/08/2023 12:59

Is anyone else on countdown? Two weeks to go, right?

I spent yesterday afternoon (my day off) hiding out in my bedroom just to get some peace 😡

uneffingbelievable · 19/08/2023 15:10

This is such a depressing thread for everyone involved - stepmums, dads, joint children, stepkids and other kids

BungleandGeorge · 19/08/2023 15:20

namechangenacy · 09/08/2023 07:11

I mean that's not how well adjusted humans work.

That's how a adult thinks (who wants to prioritise their "down time")

If my dd got to 18 and was still following a very ridged visiting schedule I would be extremely worried I had failed as a parent.

Show quote history

Nah lots of adults need routine, for many reasons including being ND. Your judgement about whether you feel that is ok is irrelevant. And you ignored the point that it’s the adult parent using this to do their own thing whenever it suits and ignoring their children’s needs

SpainToday · 19/08/2023 17:40

If my dd got to 18 and was still following a very ridged visiting schedule I would be extremely worried I had failed as a parent.

There have been several threads lately, describing ‘children’ in their 20s who still do EOW. Terrifying.

Original poster

memoriesofamiga · 19/08/2023 17:56

uneffingbelievable · 19/08/2023 15:10

This is such a depressing thread for everyone involved - stepmums, dads, joint children, stepkids and other kids

Why do you think so? It certainly wasn't my intention. Blended families can be hard work.

I've had a quiet week or so with all the kids away. Mine is back tomorrow for a week before going away again, and the SKs are back in a few days. Which means my DP is already starting to stress about having enough special food and day plans for his kids to keep them occupied, in his usual cycle of worrying about giving them the perfect time.

OP posts:

SpainToday · 19/08/2023 18:08

uneffingbelievable · 19/08/2023 15:10

This is such a depressing thread for everyone involved - stepmums, dads, joint children, stepkids and other kids

It’s probably because step families are often depressing? It’s hardly the fairytale, is it?

Smoky1107 · 19/08/2023 18:12

We've just started our two weeks!

uneffingbelievable · 19/08/2023 18:22

Depressing because:
the step mums resent /hate/ dislike/don't want the SKs for anymore than EOW, holidays are a no no.
Fathers get to deal with upset wife, children, broken holidays, stress etc because they can not please everyone - ban their kids, see them somewhere else, not spoil them etc etc
SKs - will know they are not wanted
Resident kids resent the invasion

Sad situation for all concerned

Floofydawg · 19/08/2023 20:47

SpainToday · 19/08/2023 17:40

If my dd got to 18 and was still following a very ridged visiting schedule I would be extremely worried I had failed as a parent.

There have been several threads lately, describing ‘children’ in their 20s who still do EOW. Terrifying.

It's not normal. And it's not happening in this house.

Tapasgoofy · 19/08/2023 20:51

Floofydawg · 19/08/2023 20:47

It's not normal. And it's not happening in this house.

Show quote history

Same here!!!

Original poster

memoriesofamiga · 19/08/2023 21:25

uneffingbelievable · 19/08/2023 18:22

Sad situation for all concerned

Life isn't a Disney film. Life is tough. And no, @SpainToday it isn't the fairytale because that doesn't exist. When I married my ex I thought it was a fairytale, until he started abusing me. It took me years to get out. And the life I have now, tough as it is, is so much better than that. That's just my story.

What I see in threads on this board is mostly people just trying to make things work the best they can. Unless you're living this kind of life, the judgy pants can go elsewhere.

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uneffingbelievable · 19/08/2023 22:33

def not judging - I live it and my DCs lived it.

Only difference is they never got to go away on holiday because come pick up /swap over day there was always a call, all off. Sadly snapchat shows or can show your location -so eldest DC could see where SMs DC were and at those ages - knew they had gone on holiday the day before.

Never managed a week with their DF before the complaint of their behaviour meant they were unceremoniously dumped back with me.

My SDCs are now of an age to make decisions and entertain themselves - although cleaning up could do some working on some days. I am lucky

senstivesally · 19/08/2023 22:39

@uneffingbelievable

I have seen you repeatedly on here spouting some really nasty stuff and sadly your comment on here is really the tip of a fairly nasty tip of a iceberg.

This thread is literally for step parents which you are not. Please kindly piss off.

I haven't seen you once offer advice, or said anything vaguely relevant bar to shame or kick people when they are down.

Also instead of dripping poison in your kids ears to the point of them actually stalking their step siblings on Snapchat and making assumptions on who they are with on holiday and where. Maybe it would be better to not fan those particular flames as it's damaging to your children....

Tosca23 · 20/08/2023 10:37

It is tough for step parents, most people probably started off with the best intentions in the world but reality of actual experiences means you have to adjust and find ways to make it livable.

It can feel like alot of giving without getting much back, particularly with older children. I think sometimes the younger kids are more open so easier to form a bond.

Unfortunately alot of blokes seem to get defensive rather than being supportive. Guess its because they have unrealistic expectations or dont know what its like. Being honest irrespective is tough but probably the only route.

It is tough emotionally sometimes being around people who really seem bordering on hostile towards you, despite your having an open heart to start. Its no ones fault but bloody hard at times. I like seeing my neice and nephew as it reminds me that some young people are warm and open. Helps me deal with my stepkids as reminds me its the situation and not personal

uneffingbelievable · 20/08/2023 19:13

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Original poster

memoriesofamiga · 20/08/2023 22:44

@uneffingbelievable as it says in the thread title, this was intended to be a support thread. Repeatedly saying you find it 'depressing' is not supportive. If you don't have anything to say that isn't along those lines, this isn't the thread for you.

OP posts:

uneffingbelievable · 20/08/2023 23:00

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namechangnancy · 21/08/2023 12:56

@uneffingbelievable look I'm not wanting to derail this post but I do remember you said you posted would never be a step mum because of the impact it's had to your children. Unless circumstances have changed which seems unlikely.

The support thread are for exactly that support. The general step parenting board welcomes anyone but the support thread are supposed to be a safe place without people shaming them for the feelings they do.

The reason your often called out (not just by me) is because you often say fairly demeaning things with no tangible advice and that's not fair on the people asking for help. Most posters call other if someone's being unkind, it's just you seem to do it with more frequency. I am however sorry you feel the way you do, it's abundantly clear your hurting. But the support thread isn't the place to act this out.

uneffingbelievable · 21/08/2023 13:22

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster

memoriesofamiga · 21/08/2023 21:59

Anyway, to get back on thread - SKs are back tomorrow for another week and my DC are also home. DP has gone back to his cycle of prep before they arrive, huge food shop done for them, and he's stressing himself about everything. I really worry about him when he gets into this cycle, but when I've tried to raise it with him before, he gets defensive and just says he wants things to be nice for them. I don't disagree with him there but if he could see the way he behaves in the run up to a visit from them he would agree its not normal.

My DC intends to spend some days visiting friends in town, which DP isn't happy about as he puts it 'we'll be doing our own thing then', as in he will have to plan days with the SKs. They don't have friends over, don't go out unless it's with him, so it makes it difficult.

OP posts:

Original poster

memoriesofamiga · 21/08/2023 21:59

Should add here that I hope others on the thread are doing ok!

OP posts:

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