Summer holiday support thread

[memoriesofamiga]

I know plenty of step parents struggle with the summer holidays and the change in routine (I'm definitely one of them) so I thought it might be helpful to have a running thread for support during the next 6 weeks or so. 😀

I'll start. DSDs (13 and 11) have just arrived for 2 weeks. It's the longest time in the year they have away from their Mum with us and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't on edge, even after 7 years of being with their Dad. He's a disney dad who wants to force us all to be together all the time, when neither they nor I want that. My own DD (12) struggles with oversocialisation so it's a tricky balance for everyone. Literally 5 minutes after they've arrived and DP is stressing himself because the dishwasher is full from last night's cooking. That'll be a pointed comment in my direction because I've been off work spendng time with DD today. He's now saying he isn't sure how he's going to cook a meal. He could hand wash, but no. The SKs have arrived, not said hello (which is usual) and gone to their rooms. It's going to be a very long summer. 🤣

Why are you putting up with that? I'd be making it clear he needs to stay up and sort them out!

Wake him up and tell him to deal with his child! Or Tell her to cut it out and get in bed.

@Tapasgoofy yes I can imagine that works well. We have a insulated log cabin in the garden which was designed and built for them in mind so they could have space to retreat too as they get older etc. has a fridge, working tele with sky tv etc etc but they don't want to go in there, so I usually do or go upstairs. My OH goes in there most nights to play darts or something. He used to say about going with him but they dont go with him anymore, they just sit in living room and interrupt my Eastenders haha

I think it's fine to have a few family days organised but being forced to spend the full 2 weeks altogether is just stupid. Conventional families don't spend all day every day together and at the kids ages they definitely will want time to do their own thing.

@Laurdo exactly. Blended families are unnatural at the best of times and trying to force things doesn’t help

Veteran stepmum here (my DSDs are grown women now) chiming in to ask if you and your DH have tried counselling to have a mediated but honest discussion? BC I stewed for many years knowing we had unhealthy dynamics and expectations but it took us having someone unbiased to bridge our conversations and frustrations and agree a better way of being together. My DH had a lot of guilt (for no reason) and genuinely believed he was doing right by all of us to insist we had a wonderful magical time each summer - I know it won't help you immediately for this summer but just wanted to share that.

In terms of how I coped back when my DSDs were tweens/teens - we would let them each be in charge for one day each week to pick an outing or an activity and that included a home/chill day of eating ice cream for breakfast type of vibe. The rule was we ALL had to participate and be positive about it even when it meant squeezing my arse into an inflatable at the local waterpark. And it doesn't have to be £££. Also we got them to make dinner and they could cook whatever they wanted (within reason - we ate a lot of chips one summer) Giving each young person a little bit of control can be very nurturing to all of you.

He's ascared of putting rules in place incase they tell mum or refuse to come anymore, it's the 16 year old i feel for he's miserable when here, like whst 16 year old wants to be away from friends to have to be with his 7 year old sis, there mum does not see the damage she is doing to him by forcing him to be somewhere he does not want to be, and we'll dad aswell for not sticking up for his sons wants.

Aaah that sounds fantastic, It'd be me in that log cabin though, not my DP!

It would have been a complete waste of time for DSS to spend a chunk of the school holidays with us - DH is self employed (ie not working, not earning) so didn't tend to take time off work unless we were actually away. I know people will say he should have taken time off just to spend time with DSS, but the bills don't pay themselves ..... So DSS would have been rattling around our empty house, and there was absolutely no point.

I would rather not go, but I do it for DP's sake. I see them once a year, he takes the SKs at other times throughout the year. I make sure DD and me aren't with them the entire time so we get our time too. Balancing in a blended family is bloody hard.

@TomaytoORTomahto (great name btw!) We havnt tried counselling together yet, DP is having counselling on his own right now which is going well but tiring him, as I think its opening up some wounds about his own upbringing he wasn't aware of. We may do it in the future though.

Hoping everyone has a good day today 🤗

I am lucky in that my two weeks are broken up so it gives a bit of respite. It is difficult for parents to try and entertain their kids nonstop during summer holidays and with the weather as it has been, it really doesn’t help.

I work full time so at least I don’t have to come up with ideas. They are generally good kids but it’s still a different dynamic from when you are by yourself and obviously I’d much prefer that. At least they aren’t horrible brats though like some on here seem to be!

One worry is the extra cost though as to nourish two extra people for all meals of the day plus snacks and fruit and sweets etc is massively cutting into our budget. Plus the expected entertainment etc it becomes a very expensive month.

Can I invite you to celebrate with me - DSS has gone on holiday with his mum for 10 whole days! The house is blissfully quiet.

@Floofydawg I will join you ! I convinced dh to take dsd on a one on one holiday to France just her and him.

The house is tidy, dsd is happy and I can relax without fighting over remote hurrah 🍷🍷

Cheers @namechangenacy 🍷

Cheers to you both! @namechangenacy how did yoy manage that?? I'm heading into my final night of staying with DP's family before we go home. Its been a roller coaster ride here. I cant decide which moment has been worst so far - either the conversation about DP's wedding day to the SK's Mum, which happened 5 minutes after we arrived (I counted), or DP's Dad having a conversation with his neighbour about how his Son...and grandchildren are visiting. No mention of me or DD at all and we were stood there. 🤣

All joking aside, I don't get the need to force family holidays all together. We've done it a couple of times but I'm done with that. The kids prefer time alone with their actual parent so why force things.

Sympathies OP - deep breaths.

@memoriesofamiga well we have a very odd family set up.

We don't holiday together as a family due to a last time we went on holiday but I actively encourage dh to take dsd away and frankly it gives me a break. The large age gap makes it better in some ways what we would do for the 1 and nearly 5 year old wouldn't be appropriate for the 14 year old. And bar going for a walk there's nothing the kids can agree on.

That said it's just easier this way. No one's stressed and grumpy and stroppy. We will go away to France at some point probably next year but this stops mum grumbling that dsd hasn't been taken on a foreign holiday by dh this year although apparently France doesn't count as that 🙄

Totally fucking agree tbh. My life got easier when we separated holidays.

Although I don't think my dh is thrilled at the prospect as teens are you know teens.

Just been told dsd mum is now taking her away on our next weekend visit… extra weekend of peace! Woo.

We have yet to do our two weeks. My sk is a much older teen who should be doing her own thing but has no independence and no friends so we're still doing eow and two summer weeks despite her being a young adult.
She's rude to me as in actively ignores me, ignores my daughters, is lazy and doesn't do anything, and relies on her dad to even tell her to wash or eat. It's very very draining!!
Then there's the lies that go back and forth between her parents and can be dangerous and hurtful.
I dread summer as two weeks is too long but there's wine, and I can easily engineer days to myself now!

I am struggling and have another two weeks left.

DP works a lot so usually leaves to me to parent in the day.

I have ds11 who lives with us full time and we have dd2.

DSD is 10.

Ds11 struggles as he has adhd and is autistic so finds it all overwhelming but equally loves the company.

DSD10 finds it hard with the change as it's only her and mum at home and we only have her school holidays due to a very large distance. So I can understand.

It's usually up to me to accommodate the kids and tbh I just find it tiring! DS is very independent and just likes to game etc.

DSD is very very lazy, hates boundaries and the rules we have in the house. Which aren't anything crazy, keep rooms tidy and do the dishwasher! Try to instil good manners etc. She shoves everything under her bed, rubbish etc. so hates it when I come up and tell her to take it all out and tidy properly. It's frustrating. Her mums house is very unclean and untidy so I know it's hard for her coming here.

She then doesn't want to be here, so will go to grandparents as they will obviously spoil her. She's really overweight so when she's down we really try and help her make healthy choices etc which again I'm assuming she doesn't like.

DP acts like a Disney dad so when he's not working does all the fun stuff and takes them to places etc.

Even after years of this, I still struggle with the three weeks in summer! Sad I know. And I know it's a 'me' problem. Life is just more manageable usually.

I try my best to keep her occupied but nothing seems good enough. Ahhh I am just having a bad day!

DP over worries when she texts to ask to stay another night at grandparents house because he thinks she doesn't want to be here, maybe that is true. So unsure what to do there! I told him to go stay at his parents with her 😅

young adult doing EOW? …. Ahhh.

Im expecting my dsd to stop doing Eow by the time she’s 17/18…. And it go on a more as and when she wants to come over kinda thing… when she’s free and when we are free etc.

We don't do longer periods in summer yeha lol, my dp dd 7 only can manage one night and as soon as she opens her eyes she wants to go home to mummy, thank the lord lol.

young adult doing EOW? …. Ahhh.

Im expecting my dsd to stop doing Eow by the time she’s 17/18…. And it go on a more as and when she wants to come over kinda thing… when she’s free and when we are free etc.

@Tapasgoofy sadly, quite a few adults still do EOW, I find it horrifying

Nope nope nope haha not happening at all.

I full well expect my dsd to have a actual life when she’s an adult… work, friends, socialising etc! Coming EOW won’t be an option, even her dad isn’t expecting her to come EOW.

We are expecting her to send a message as and when such as ‘are you in on Friday afternoon as il come over’ etc. Defo not a set in stone EOW arrangement.

I may be slightly bias as I moved out at 19 and I was hardly home at 18 as I was working and seeing friends & boys 😆