Summer holiday support thread

[memoriesofamiga]

I know plenty of step parents struggle with the summer holidays and the change in routine (I'm definitely one of them) so I thought it might be helpful to have a running thread for support during the next 6 weeks or so. 😀

I'll start. DSDs (13 and 11) have just arrived for 2 weeks. It's the longest time in the year they have away from their Mum with us and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't on edge, even after 7 years of being with their Dad. He's a disney dad who wants to force us all to be together all the time, when neither they nor I want that. My own DD (12) struggles with oversocialisation so it's a tricky balance for everyone. Literally 5 minutes after they've arrived and DP is stressing himself because the dishwasher is full from last night's cooking. That'll be a pointed comment in my direction because I've been off work spendng time with DD today. He's now saying he isn't sure how he's going to cook a meal. He could hand wash, but no. The SKs have arrived, not said hello (which is usual) and gone to their rooms. It's going to be a very long summer. 🤣

Not happening here either. DH was taxi-ing eldest SS back and forth til he was nearly 20. Not happening with the youngest - he's 16 now but only expect him to keep the rigid contact arrangements for another couple of years at the most. He needs to have a social life and a little part time job.

Like how old adults ?

Surely at some point it's a bit weird if dad is ferrying around a 30 every other weekend from mums to dads.

I find it weird mainly because I moved out young but I will be truthful and say I fully expect my dsd to be doing this way into adulthood. I also fully expect her to not get a job and lurk around her mums... as I said god know what will happen !

@namechangenacy DSS had a strict EOW routine until he went to uni, and there are regularly posts about “children” in their late teens/early 20s who do EOW, probably because there’s been nothing to break the pattern unless they go to uni

Easy to say it won't be happening at your house. In reality it does happen and unless the young person is independent and has their own life both parents are keen for it to continue.
The rp because that's their only break away from this young person who is lacking any independence and has no friends, no social life, no desires to want that.
The nrp because they get to see their daughter eow as always and they love it, why wouldn't they?

Don't be so quick to say won't be happening in my house. I never ever thought once we had young adults we'd still be so tied to an arrangement drawn up for a ten year old.

I fully expect her to be studying/working/seeing friends and popping over as and when it’s convenient for us both. I know my partner won’t keep doing EOW as he hates to set in stone aspect of it and wants something a bit more free flowing.

She will also need to make her way to us sometimes instead of us being the ferry.

The rp because that's their only break away from this young person who is lacking any independence and has no friends, no social life, no desires to want that.
The nrp because they get to see their daughter eow as always and they love it, why wouldn't they?

Yes, you explained this better than I did

Don't be so quick to say won't be happening in my house. I never ever thought once we had young adults we'd still be so tied to an arrangement drawn up for a ten year old.

I could have written this paragraph, this situation was ridiculous

Well in my case I forced the issue when he was 20 and turned his bedroom into my office. I WFH full time and need the space more than he does. I'm not keeping rooms in a house for an adult forever, it's ridiculous.

I totally get obviously people wanting to see their parents - I just cannot get my head around why it needs to be kept at a strict eow ? For a adult ?

If my daughter was so child like at that age I would be deeply concerned.

Thanks for this thread. I'm 12 years in, SKs are now 17 and 22 and we have 2 joint younger ones primary school age. DSS22 moved in with us permanently 6 years ago when his mother moved 2hours away with DSD. But he is working now and is independent so that works fine. BUT, DSD now 17 is unbearable. We haven't had EOW since she moved away but instead she spends almost the entire school holidays - every holiday here. She has no social life, hibernates in her room, does absolutely nothing around the house, needs instruction to do every little thing, plus DH gives her miles of latitude which he doesn't allow the other 3 and it drives me up the wall!! 1 week down, 5 to go...!

The whole six weeks?! That’s a big chunk.

The whole six weeks is a long time @Tapasgoofy that sounds really tough. Hopefully you get some time to yourself and time with your littlies?

I have tonight to myself, which will be bliss. DP has gone to see family with the SKs and my own is away too. I still feel like I need a holiday after my holiday with DP and the SKs.

It's interesting reading that some SKs stick to the division of time even into adulthood. I wouldnt be surprised if we end up with that here too. Both my exH and the SKs BM are very rigid on 'my time, your time'.

Just back from a week with my boyfriend's 3 kids. 2 out of 3 lovely. The 13 year old is horrid to the youngest (6) at times (bullies him and is manipulative), and generally ignores me and is only intermittently nice to my partner and the 16 year old. Feel we should take them away each year with us or they will end up feeling unloved but going to have to get my partner to deal with the 13 year old bullying the 6 year old or I just don't want to be around it. Can definitely relate to others concerns re EOW going in to adulthood. I guess when they are pleasant you might not mind it until they are 21 or something, but when they are not, it's another matter and 17 is probably the cut off point.

It's tough isn't it @Tosca23 when some of the kids are nicer than the others. Makes it even more difficult I feel.

DP and me are currently not speaking, as I enforced a boundary and he doesn't like it. He's gone into 'if you don't like my kids the way I do then there's no future for us' mode which he does sometimes. I've no energy for that right now. I've just seen off my own DC to their Dad for the next 2 weeks, which is always tough as it's the longest time apart we have in the year, so I'm currently doing my own thing with cake and tea to make myself feel better. The SKs are with us for another 4 days.

Hope everyone is doing ok this weekend!

He's gone into 'if you don't like my kids the way I do then there's no future for us' mode which he does sometimes.

Doesnt realise that (if they’re honest) no one is madly keen on other people’s children?!

OP I'd be like 'kay, seeya then.' Honestly, other people's kids are really not that fun to live with.

Yeah he really doesn't get it! I've been honest and said that we aren't the nuclear family he craves, and right now I want some time to myself. It really isn't difficult to understand. Fortunately I'm at work from Monday so can remove myself from the house.

The SKs are happily ignoring me, and it doesn't bother me. I wonder if others have heard about something called the Nacho method - I've been reading about it and it's a revelation to me.

I think the nacho method is about totally detaching?

@SpainToday it's about detaching from things that cause you stress, and leaving the parenting to the parent so you act in more of an aunt or parent's friend role. I'm finding it a really interesting approach, if done correctly. I understand from some circles its met a lot of resistance though.

My DP has taken the SKs shopping today. I'm lounging in the bath with a book. I miss my own DC terribly today.

God it's all come to head in the last couple days.

DSD10 has been here two weeks now, onto the third and final week.

My DH works a lot so it's either been me looking after her and my two or she's been at grandparents.

She's so rude this time round and I'm struggling. Very ungrateful and lazy. I'm so tired!

She doesn't like doing what she's told, and hates any chore. My DH has expressed over the weekend that she doesn't want to stay at ours because of me. Because I get her to tidy her room etc. I'm so annoyed by this. I treat her the same as my DS11.

My DH announced he's working away tomorrow so I have told him that his daughter will have to go to grandparents for the day. I don't know if this is unreasonable but I'm so fed up.

I have recently joined the Facebook group on this too, having a little read.

@littlepeached you're not unreasonable at all. If he’s not going to back you up and is trying to make you out to be the wicked stepmother for asking a kid to clean her room then he can find someone else to look after his child.

I tolerated this nonsense for years before I eventually had enough and refused to look after the SC anymore. Best decision I ever made. I just wish I’d made it long before I actually did. Would have saved myself so much stress.

Things have escalated very quickly and now splitting up! I cannot believe this. My head feels like it's going to explode. We have a toddler.

@littlepeaches hope you’re ok.

Oh dear @littlepeaches is there any chance its a row you can recover from? I've had plenty of those with my DP and words can be said that shouldn't. I hope you're ok!

My SKs went home today. They havnt said a word to me for two days, but its ok I'm not bothered and their dad doesn't pull them up on it. He's now in a sad phase as he misses them, which is understandable.

Perhaps the kids want to stick to every other weekend because it creates an environment where they will have presumed regular contact, otherwise it’s a case of parent making excuses and doing something else/ getting rid of the ability for them to stay over.