Step daughter lies

[Knackeredmumof2]

I have two kids of my own and a step daughter.

Recently my stepdaughter has been going home and telling her mum lies about what's been happening in our household. Basically saying my kid swears all the time and I let them away with it (they have autism and adhd) which I do not and saying her dad has said she can swear if she want again not the case. She also said I allow my kid (8) to Vape whenever he likes again definitely not true amongst other lies over the years.

Her mum has believed everything which comes out her mouth and has said I shouldn't be allowing this kind of behaviour and that my dh is a bad dad. When we told her about the things that my stepdaughter has told us (she's 7) in regards to periods, sex and going into great detail about how babies are born she said we were horrible for making up this kind of lies.
Anyway, I have told my DH that I now no longer feel comfortable about her coming to the house as I am worried about what else she may make up and lie about and that I have to protect myself and my kids (my job is such that I would be sacked if she made lies up which may involve SW or police) however, he said he understood but that was it and think he may want me to just forgive and forget AGAIN. I have suggested he take her to his mums (she would love this) but he's adamant hes not doing this. Im not sure what to do. We are both deeply hurt and disappointed and cannot for the life of us cannot see what she thought she is going to gain.

I should say we have had issues with his ex in the past. She expect him to jump when she says and when she found out we were getting married suggested he get his own place so there wouldn't be any issues with his DD.

So what has her mother done about the lies she told?
What is the plan going forward with your DH?

Surely this child needs some help? And what are you/DH/mother doing to get her some?

Those that tell lies will tell lies everywhere!

Is your step daughter 7? She’s only a kid, surely she needs some help? I don’t think it’s fair for you to ban your partners child from your shared home.

Your priority must be your children / but I see nothing about your husband being worried about this bizarre behaviour for his very young daughter. She needs counselling. It sounds like she is very unhappy and mixed up. And is being used as a weapon between warring parents.

poor kid

I would separate. I could not stand putting up with this for years. You think she'll get better?
The lies are going to get worse until others get involved. She's not your problem or burden. Run.

Her mother believes everything she says even although we have told her that it's untrue. As far as her mother is concerned she can do no wrong and it's us that are the bad ones.

Unfortunately, the worry is if she told a serious lie her mother would not hesitate to call authorities. She wouldn't even call DH to discuss and I cannot have my kids pit under threat and like I said I would be dismissed from my job if any allegations of a serious nature were to be made.

I have told my DH that he and his ex are not effectively co-parenting. He gets to know nothing of her education nothing of illnesses etc etc. He has asked but doesn't recieve. His ex does not see me as part of her daughters life.

This is not having a great affect on our marriage and has been going on for years and it's extremely draining. We have asked my stepdaughter to speak to us if she has a problem whilst here but then just tells a bunch of lies when she goes home. I have tried reaching out to her mum but was essentially shot down in flames and basically told it has nothing to do with me.

My step daughter started this behaviour about the same age. I forgave her at first but it continued and continued. It's been awful. I never stopped her coming into the house because it's my husbands home as much as mine but I ended up refusing to be left alone with her, even for a minute. If my husband left the room, so would I. I did this so I always had a witness. This created a miserable environment for us all but I didn't know what else to do.
It escalated and about the she of 14 she eventually refused to come to our house. This caused more problems.
Long story short, years of misery, tons of resentment and broken relationships.
My husband and I are still together and trying to rebuild our relationship but it's tough and in so many ways I wish I'd got out years ago.
If I'd had my own children in the mix it most certainly wouldn't have worked.
Sorry op but I'd end the relationship now.

I've just read your update and it's a mirror image of my own. My stepdaughter made a serious allegations and involved SS. I was in a role where I would be dismissed for such an allegation. Luckily she withdrew it before it went too far.
We tried to get her support but her Mum blocked it.
Protect your children and yourself and walk away.

His Ex doesn't have to provide him with information. He needs to go to the school with a copy of her BC and be put on all apps and communications. Same with Dr's and hospitals.

Honestly how you can be willing to spend the one life you have living this like will always baffle me.
He is not that special. There are other men.

7-8 is a weird age

I had that OP. I left and the lies with the lack of support around my job and getting his ds help (happy well adjusted dc don't do this) was part of the overall reason why I left.

Could you go anywhere else for the weekends he's over?

Problem is she refused to put him on BC. She told him her lawyer told her not to so it (they had separated prior to daughter being born. She called him about 3 weeks after they broke up to say she was pregnant)

You are not going to get sacked over a false allegation to social services, regardless of your job.

So really he's just overall weak?
He's never done anything about this?!

Again. There are better, more proactive men on the planet that aren't useless.

This. No employer would Leave themselves open to a wrongful dismissal case.

has your employer told you that any allegation will result in automatic termination before any investigation had taken place into the validity of the investigation.

That's not true.

I would be suspended as I am a SW. I can't practice with child protection allegations. My professional judgement may have been called into question even if the allegations were proved false.

But would you be sacked before an investigation had concluded?

Getting added to a birth certificate is a matter of filling forms and paying the fee.
Your h isn't doing his dd any favours pretending that this isn't happening or that she will outgrow this behaviour overnight. It's easy for him to be chilled when it's not his job as risk. He clearly prefers pissing you off rather than the ex.
Your h could have school related info sent to him if he contacts the school and gives them his contact details. My ex refused to do this for years too but I always dealt with school when we were together too. Presumably your h thinks that his ex does a good job about that kind of thing.
The only way to deal with this is to protect your kids and split. I think that Mum isn't unreasonable to believe her dd (even though details like 8 year olds vaping is ridiculous) over her ex who isn't the proactive type who deals with things.

I'd be suspended, as I've said twice, then my professional judgement may be called into account. It may go to the social work body that deals with all types of misconduct and allegations. It would be a real possibility that I could be sacked because of false allegations from a step child/their other parent.

I expect teaching would be the similar although teachers may still be allowed to teach whilst the investigation goes on. I wouldn't be able to.

Certain jobs can dismiss if your integrity was called into question or you bring their name into disrepute especially if press got wind of it even if allegations were false. Regardless suspension without pay also not an option.

I don't think having a character assassination of my husband is helpful either.

I'm quite sure that when I was support staff in a school a decade ago you couldn't have a partner who had any child abuse (which includes having dc removed from your care by children services) records about them either.

Allegations are serious to professionals who work with children. It is something to be concerned about. It's concerning that the OPs partner doesn't give a shit about it from a partners perspective or as a parent. If there were safeguarding concerns because of the child being so mixed up and emotional abuse from either parent that wasn't reported you'd be seen as failing your legal duty to safeguard. Everyone has a legal duty to safeguard but if you work with dc and you don't it's much more serious.

He also cannot get his name added to the birth certificate without the mother's consent which she refuses to do.

He could go to court and get this easily sorted. There is no court in the UK that would refuse it.

You have a DP problem. He's not taking responsibility for his dc and his dcs behaviour that could impact you detrimentally. Why is that? Why won't he sort things out to be an engaged dad and support his son. Why is he okay to bury his head in the sand at the expense of your career?

Is that what he told you?
Because its absolute bull.
A 2 second Google search would've informed him otherwise.

That's exactly the issue. When I took on my job I had to advise of family who had any criminal activity.

Tbh my DH has tried to speak to his ex regarding his daughters behaviour however, we are continually met with conflict and has on occasion stopped access. We have told her we will go to court but we know she will stop access and to gain access through the court takes years and even more so due to covid.

I don't think it's he doesn't give a shit about it but we are at a loss as to how to progress. Perhaps most are right maybe it's time I just told him to leave and go 😥 end of the day I need to protect myself and my kids.

All you can do is move out. He can see his DD at his place, you live at your place with your kids. Don’t have anything to do with her, or you can see her sometimes. But she won’t be staying at your place.