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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step daughter lies

46 replies

Knackeredmumof2 · 23/07/2023 09:49

I have two kids of my own and a step daughter.

Recently my stepdaughter has been going home and telling her mum lies about what's been happening in our household. Basically saying my kid swears all the time and I let them away with it (they have autism and adhd) which I do not and saying her dad has said she can swear if she want again not the case. She also said I allow my kid (8) to Vape whenever he likes again definitely not true amongst other lies over the years.

Her mum has believed everything which comes out her mouth and has said I shouldn't be allowing this kind of behaviour and that my dh is a bad dad. When we told her about the things that my stepdaughter has told us (she's 7) in regards to periods, sex and going into great detail about how babies are born she said we were horrible for making up this kind of lies.
Anyway, I have told my DH that I now no longer feel comfortable about her coming to the house as I am worried about what else she may make up and lie about and that I have to protect myself and my kids (my job is such that I would be sacked if she made lies up which may involve SW or police) however, he said he understood but that was it and think he may want me to just forgive and forget AGAIN. I have suggested he take her to his mums (she would love this) but he's adamant hes not doing this. Im not sure what to do. We are both deeply hurt and disappointed and cannot for the life of us cannot see what she thought she is going to gain.

I should say we have had issues with his ex in the past. She expect him to jump when she says and when she found out we were getting married suggested he get his own place so there wouldn't be any issues with his DD.

OP posts:

Totaly · 23/07/2023 11:27

Or you could get him to speak to the school and get the child some counseling because at the moment no one is doing anything about it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/07/2023 11:32

Could the three of you go to mediation about this

jennyjones198080 · 23/07/2023 11:34

While I know you are very defensive of your husband, he really does need to step up here.

he needs to get his name on his daughters birth certificate - yes it takes effort and he will need to get a dna test etc but he needs parental rights. He needs to become involved with her schooling and medical decisions: in short he needs to parent. The ‘but she won’t let me’ excuse is just that - and excuse:

you need to consider if you want to be with a man who is so passive when it comes to his child’s welfare. Is this man worth all this stress and heartache?

greyhairnomore · 23/07/2023 11:45

Knackeredmumof2 · 23/07/2023 11:16

He also cannot get his name added to the birth certificate without the mother's consent which she refuses to do.

He can www.kabirfamilylaw.co.uk/can-a-father-put-himself-on-the-birth-certificate/

Original poster

Knackeredmumof2 · 23/07/2023 11:47

Again, he cannot get his name on birth certificate without her permission and the same with DNA test. We have been to a solicitor and it will take years which she will then stop access. The school will not give information to him because he's not on birth certificate and again want mothers permission. He has asked her to give him information regarding school and says she will but then doesnt.

OP posts:

Reugny · 23/07/2023 11:48

OP tell your husband to get advise from a group like Families Need Fathers - Google them - they have meetings around the country where they give fathers advice.

If by September he hasn't gone to a meeting to find out what he should do to get on the bc etc then move out.

In the meantime refuse to be left alone with his daughter, and don't leave your children alone with her either. She comes to spend time with him not you.

Also if he applies to go Court after mediation it doesn't take years for the case to go to Court. It takes the father to actually go to the Court where the case is to be heard and give them a bit of a kick to process his paperwork.

Lefteyetwitch · 23/07/2023 11:54

Knackeredmumof2 · 23/07/2023 11:47

That's absolute BS and I know from experience.
He can easily do it in court and it will not take years.

But you're looking just as bas as him with your defeatist uselessness. Neither of you are actually willing to do anything about it.

This is going to end in tears.

BoohooWoohoo · 23/07/2023 11:55

It sounds like the ex would say he's not the dad to delay him going on the birth certificate but you don't need lawyers and it doesn't take years.
Does he pay CM through CMS?

BoohooWoohoo · 23/07/2023 11:56

It's not true about her needing to agree to DNA.
She will be asked if he's the father then if she says no then next step would be automatic DNA.

Reugny · 23/07/2023 12:02

We have been to a solicitor and it will take years which she will then stop access.

OP when my DP first went to see a solicitor he was given useless advice. We subsequently found resources online and he spoke to various acquaintances that included parents on both sides of child arrangements disputes. He then was recommended a solicitor one of his work acquaintances knows. She was and is very good. It helped that when he went to see her he had an idea of what he could achieve and how.

Your husband needs to be proactive and stop acting like he can't do anything.

Incidentally my DP told me that at the meetings he went to of Families Need Fathers a father not being on the birth certificate was a common issue, and they told fathers how to get on them. Unfortunately it seemed that some fathers came year after year with the same issue because they refused to initiate any steps to get on it.

Reugny · 23/07/2023 12:08

Lefteyetwitch · 23/07/2023 11:54

That's absolute BS and I know from experience.
He can easily do it in court and it will not take years.

But you're looking just as bas as him with your defeatist uselessness. Neither of you are actually willing to do anything about it.

This is going to end in tears.

Show quote history

I think the OP is saying Child Arrangements will take years as it can encompass both being put on the bc and a child arrangement order.

The Child Arrangement Order doesn't take years.

If you haven't got anything back from the Court after submitting an application after within 4 months, you need to go to the Court where your case is to be heard with a charged mobile phone and chase your paperwork.

burnoutbabe · 23/07/2023 12:27

He May even be paying for a kid that isn't his?

He needs to just be in the birth certificate-a mother who refuses that for what seems like a decent involved man is hiding something big.

jennyjones198080 · 23/07/2023 12:58

Your husband should be run ragged to get this resolved. He has had seven years. I can’t imagine having no parental rights over my child and giving up after one meeting because it was too hard.

and you say you were also at the meeting with the solicitor. Was that seven years ago when the baby was a newborn?

MissyPea · 26/07/2023 08:13

ArcticSkewer · 23/07/2023 10:25

You are not going to get sacked over a false allegation to social services, regardless of your job.

Unfortunately DBS checks (UK) show allegations, even if they are false allegations, depending on your area of work this can have an impact. If for example you work with vulnerable adults/children it can definitely have an impact as they can show up on the enhanced check. It’s part of protecting people, but where lies can be damaging.

ArcticSkewer · 26/07/2023 09:23

MissyPea · 26/07/2023 08:13

Show quote history

This is still not going to get you sacked. It's typical mumsnet pantwetting and some people need to get a grip.

It's not ideal, and sometimes people are suspended (that's full pay suspension anywhere I have ever worked) pending investigation but it does not get you sacked.

MissyPea · 26/07/2023 10:07

ArcticSkewer · 26/07/2023 09:23

This is still not going to get you sacked. It's typical mumsnet pantwetting and some people need to get a grip.

It's not ideal, and sometimes people are suspended (that's full pay suspension anywhere I have ever worked) pending investigation but it does not get you sacked.

Show quote history

Sacked or not sacked (as I said it can have an impact on your employment) It can affect you getting a job in the future should you want to apply elsewhere, and personally wouldn’t want a suspension on my file either.

ArcticSkewer · 26/07/2023 10:34

It is fine. In the situation outlined above, nothing would come of this and it is hyperbolic to fret about it. It's not ideal but there we go, life is not ideal. The op worried about being sacked, I replied to that, you replied to me saying it could have an impact ... okay then ... in what sense an impact? Apart from it 'may' be included on the DBS. What do you think then happens and what is the impact beyond that, that you think happens? How is this particular 'false or malicious allegation after investigation' note on a DBS going to affect future employment? What do you imagine happens when the employer gets the DBS report?

ArcticSkewer · 26/07/2023 10:35

Really ... mumsnetters live in a world of anxiety.

MissyPea · 26/07/2023 13:50

They decide if they want to employ someone that has had an allegation against them, truthful or not. It’s a fact, they can show up, and regardless if your opinion it can have the impact that you may struggle to find a job in a field relating to the allegation. For example if the allegation related to child abuse, a teacher may struggle to find somewhere willing to employ them. It’s how safeguarding works. It CAN have an impact. Not to say it always will but these things are in place for a good reason.
Why are you so defensive about this fact? Have you had some issue with this yourself?

ArcticSkewer · 26/07/2023 16:09

Because I actually know how the system works, that's why. You obviously don't employ people in these kinds of roles.

Op is totally catastrophising and posters like yourself are just spreading silly rumours. Why??

It's hard enough for people who work in roles where they have regular DBS checks and are genuinely at risk of malicious or false accusations without them then reading silly posts about how they might get sacked or wouldn't get a job / it would 'have an impact' when that is absolutely not how the system works.

Yes, it may 'have an impact' in that, for example here, there may be an investigation by op's employers should this ever actually reach the stage of a malicious or false report. But it's a short term impact and she's hardly going to get sacked.

Your imaginings about the way offers of employment and DBS checks work are also well off base for this example.

SnowWhitesSM · 26/07/2023 16:29

You're not LADO though artic. You're assuming that each false allegation will go nowhere. That isn't the case. There is a term called transferable risk and the body employing a person with child abuse allegations will make a decision based on the transferable risk that their investigation will find.

I get false allegations made against me in work. It's part and parcel of being a SW, your case notes are scrutinised and it doesn't normally go to LADO. None of the various made up complaints have ever gotten that far as my case notes back me up and there is never any evidence. Having allegations from a child and their other parent would go to LADO. This would never come off my record even if the complaints were deemed to be untrue after investigation (and who wants the stress of that either). Every single job I'd have to disclose that type of allegation and explain it and then would probably not get the job.

False allegations aren't just something that step parents get anxious for no reason over for. It's pretty shitty to dismiss those very valid concerns as anxiety.

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