Anyone else not watch their SC?

[Tapasgoofy]

I see it a lot on here how loads of step mums watch their step children/child while their OH work, go out etc. A lot seem to resent it or get taken advantage of constantly..

Do many others have a similar Set up to myself? I pretty much never have my step child on my own. I don’t say yes to extra days at ours if my OH Isn’t about etc.
I will occasionally watch all the kids on the evening if they have gone up to bed and he ants to go out to see friends etc but that’s it.

I always feel my life is so much easier this way, less stress etc. Am I the odd one out?

I wouldn't be with someone who refused to step up and pull their weight as a parent to my children. I think it's a red flag personally.

A red flag for me would be someone that referred to me as a parent to their children and expected me to pull my weight, rather than showing gratitude for me doing them the favour of helping out.

It's very clear that you shouldn't have lived with your OH. Have your own place and see him when your DSC didn't have to have you around. It must be horrible for them to feel second place to your children.
If you love your OH that much wait until his DC has left home before moving in. Children are incredibly sensitive to this sort of behaviour and it fucks them up in all sorts of ways. I could never be party to adding upset to a child. Mine or not. They have no say in the situation but you do.

I agree @aSofaNearYou

How entitled to refer to looking at your own children as your partners weight to pull!!!

Also, surely good parents want to spend time with their children, especially in separated families. Why would dp want me to babysit them in his time with them when the point of it is so he can see them?

I think this poster is talking about her step son looking after the children she had with his dad.

Such a weird attitude to need to broadcast to everyone.

I hope you're right!

I think that’s part of the disconnect. My husband would be absolutely FURIOUS if someone said he’d done either my kid or I a favour by marrying me and becoming a parent. In fact, he tore several strips off his mother for saying she was proud of him for marrying me despite being a single parent, and later absolutely went rabid when she talked about my pregnancy making him a REAL dad and her a REAL grandmother. Maybe it was because he was adopted, but to him, to quote the immortal Bobby Singer, “Family don’t end in blood.” To him, he was a dad as soon as the wedding band went on… and my dd gleefully called him Daddy from that moment on. And when she asked him to make it legal (adopt her) we were at the lawyer’s that week. He was her dad, she was his girl, and she wanted the relationship legally recognized.

He didn’t do us a favour. Gratitude would be an insult. We simply became a family. Would you tell anyone else that their spouse did them a favour by marrying them and they ought to be grateful, or is that reserved for single parents?

Surely if he adopted her then he's not her step parent he's her dad. Presumably your daughter's biological father is not around.

This is very different from my situation where the dsds have a very good mother already. I don't need to step up because their parents are doing a fantastic job between them.

@ChubbyMorticia
Your situation is different, because your daughter's father isn't in her life.

When your have your coparent involved, the stepparent may have to take a step back or of respect.

Your daughter called him dad on your wedding day, because e she didn't have a dad in her life before then. It's a massive difference.

Look at it this way.. if you split up with him and he remarried, you wouldn't be best pleased if she casket his new wife mum on their wedding day.

He adopted her many years later.

That doesn’t negate the idea that I’m supposed to be grateful he did me a favour, however.

While I agree things are different when both parents are actively involved with their kids when they remarry, there’s a 0.0% chance I’d tolerate a partner who treated kids we had together better than the child who came prior to the relationship. The kid had zero vote in who their parents are, nor in the relationship ending. They don’t deserve to be treated as second class citizens by anyone, but ESPECIALLY in their own dang home. They’re already having to share their parents and home, which, again, they had no vote in (generally speaking). Knowing you’re not accepted, treated as lesser, and your presence is tolerated? Not something I’d do to a neighbour’s kid, let alone a step kid.

And the kids ABSOLUTELY know.

@ChubbyMorticia again my situation is different. I don't have my own kids so noone is treated better.

The couple of times I watched dscs were in emergencies and were me doing the parents a favour.

When dscs mums brother was in a car accident and dp was away at a conference I dropped everything and went to hers to watch the kids so she could be with him. Luckily neither parent was entitled enough not to see this as a favour that they were grateful for.

Currently in my DSC lives there is their DM, DF and myself. We split things pretty much three ways. Things may change if their DM finds a partner but for now that's how it works. We all work. DH is full time and myself and their DM work condensed hours. We split the school runs accordingly. We go three ways on larger purchases, uniforms, passports etc. it works for us, it might not for others.

I spend one evening per week with each DSC doing a hobby. I love it.

When I decided to be with DH I knew he had children. I knew they would come first and I knew I needed to fit in with them. In fact I'd say they come before DH for me too now. Myself and their DM have a cordial relationship, we arrange things between ourselves where required (for example swapping school runs or covering for illness) and we all rub along quite well together. I send her photos of the kids doing their hobbies which she appreciates.

I can't imagine living 50% of the time with two children and not really having any contribution to their life. They are my family.

I can't imagine living 50% of the time with two children and not really having any contribution to their life. They are my family.

I can't either, but EOW? Much easier to imagine.

I honestly read this and think they are taking you for a ride.

You pay 1/3 towards everything?

Your partner hit the jackpot.

and I don’t live with my step child 50% of the time. It’s a EOW arrangement per the mums request at the beginning.

He didn’t do us a favour. Gratitude would be an insult. We simply became a family. Would you tell anyone else that their spouse did them a favour by marrying them and they ought to be grateful, or is that reserved for single parents?

I didn't say did them a favour by marrying them, I said did them a favour by helping with their kids. In the same way I'd expect a partner to be grateful to their partner for helping out with their work, or caring for their elderly parents, or whatever it might be. You are helping them with a responsibility that is theirs, not yours. Whether you enjoy it or not, I expect a base level of gratitude, yes. Not constant grovelling, it can go relatively unspoken most of the time, but I'd expect the basic understanding to be there. If you can't do that as a parent, you don't deserve a new relationship.

Also, as others have said, your situation is quite different from the majority of cases. Most people do not adopt the child and become their parent, most are simply on the sidelines while two parents parent, which is quite different. That said, by the sounds of things, he has done a lot for your daughter and I think you should appreciate that.

there’s a 0.0% chance I’d tolerate a partner who treated kids we had together better than the child who came prior to the relationship. The kid had zero vote in who their parents are, nor in the relationship ending. They don’t deserve to be treated as second class citizens by anyone, but ESPECIALLY in their own dang home. They’re already having to share their parents and home, which, again, they had no vote in (generally speaking). Knowing you’re not accepted, treated as lesser, and your presence is tolerated? Not something I’d do to a neighbour’s kid, let alone a step kid

It’s not my fault that my step child has to share parents. I don’t have to make up for the fact that the parents couldn’t/didn’t make it work.

On the time my step child is here she is welcomed.

For the record I don’t treat my step child different when they are actually here.
If I get sweets, I get some for all the kids.
When I make snacks, all kids are offered.
If I pop out for a dog walk, I offer all kids to join me.
Movie night, we all discuss which film to watch.
Seeing my family, All kids come.

BUT, I’m not doing extra school runs, doing their hobbies or watching them while both their parents are at work or even socialising.

The mum wants to do something on a Friday night and my OH is already put as well? I’m not doing it, we have 2 kids together that I already have to watch.

Because of that… my life is so much easier, I don’t feel resentful, I don’t get asked or expected to drop everything and ‘solider’ on as I’m a step mum.

"The mum wants to do something on a Friday night and my OH is already put as well? I’m not doing it, we have 2 kids together that I already have to watch."

This is where we differ.

I would babysit. It's my DH's DC and I wouldn't mind looking after him.

You are saying no on the principle of it rather than because you genuinely can't or because it would put you out.

I wonder if your DH resents your attitude to his DC?

It would put me out though…. The mum can’t drive, she lives 50 mins away so I would have to do a nearly 2 hour round trip just to get her so her mum can go out? And then she would also need to be taken back.

No he doesn’t, he understands she’s not actually my child and I don’t have to responsibility of running around fetching her if I don’t want to.

Why is it on here many step mums see their DSC as inconveniences and nothing really to do with them, but if posters on here had children before they meet a new partner they expect those children to be seen as part of the partner’s family and resent it if they are not invited to family weddings or given presents at Christmas

You do realise that if they have children together, her leaving their dad over this would cause very significant upset to a child? Or does it only matter when it's a step child that's upset? I'd wager your parents separating is a damn sight more upsetting than your stepmother not babysitting you, which the DSC needn't even be aware of.

I can understand this advice being given when the OP doesn't have children with their DH, but it is unrealistic madness to expect it from them when they do.

Furthermore, the children are there EOW, which people never seem to realise on here. It's silly advice to expect OP to live elsewhere over such a small amount of time, it would make far more sense for him to see them elsewhere if they must be separated. People always seem to be under the impression time with the SC makes up the majority of the time, and very often that's just not the case at all.

Exactly. The comment is just ridiculous.
Asif I would just move out and take the kids with me EOW. 🙄

@Tapasgoofy It's worse than that, they actually expect you to officially live separately and just pop round with your joint kids when the DSC aren't with him (which they presumably assume is rare.)

It's just such a silly thing to suggest. As if you would do that to your own kids.

I don't have step children but my children have 2 step mothers, who couldn't be more different.
My wife always treated my children as her family, and now they are grown up, she has a lovely relationship with them. Both as part of the family dynamic and independent of that.
Their other step mother took the approach of OP and don't have that bond.

You shouldn't move out. Too late now if you have kids together. But you should never have moved in together in the first place. No step parent should unless they are going to treat all the kids equally. Dont get work dumped on you, just as you shouldn't in a long parenting arrangement but don't treat them differently than your own.

That’s absolutely fine. I’m not after that bond in the future. If we get closer as she gets older great, if we don’t then that’s fine.

I have my own kids for that special bond and I have nieces and a nephew.