Weekends revolve around grandparents

[confusedandunsureone]

My 32yo partner has a 10yo daughter, lives an hour away (mum doesn’t drive) and he sees her fortnightly for 1 day and then 2 days/1 night. Until recently he lived at home/grandparents so weekends revolved around them but he has now moved in with me yet still disappears to his parents every time he has daughter. I’m invited over but sitting around someone else’s house is no fun for me and I don’t think it’s enjoyable for the daughter either as everyone comments that her mum is a gamer and all they do is stay in (even for her 10th birthday they stayed in and got a takeaway, didn’t and doesn’t see any friends outside of school), I think weekends with dad should be fun and something to look forward to, not a 2+ car journey to sit indoors. I asked if she lived closer would the grandparents see her more and pick her up etc he said yeah - just because she lives an hour away they don’t. Also asked if he bought his own house would he go to theirs every 2 weeks, to stay once every 4 weeks and he said no - so why is he still doing this when he has moved out? I do understand it’s a big change, he doesn’t do much for daughter as mum/nan takes over which is a plus point for him although it does mean that he’s never spent more than I think 4 hours alone with her, he isn’t involved daily either and her mum makes all decisions on school, homework etc. She’s a lovely girl and we get on really well, I’m just not sure how to get him to grow up, take responsibility for his child and not be so reliant on his parents in so much as his weekends with daughter revolve entirely around them (even though they make plans for lunches out etc and it’s only when they’re not around that he’ll suggest we do something as the 3 of us)?

He sounds like a shit father tbh so if you want kids yourself then throw him back

You've picked a real peach there. Sees his daughter the bare minimum he needs to but barely actually does anything with her and instead goes to his parents so they do all the work and entertain her - and he can tick a box saying he sees his daughter.
You can't 'make him' grownup and take responsibility. He's a shit father and doesn't care that you know it.
I see he's moved in with you. I seriously hope he's pulling his weight financially and in terms of housework and for god's sake DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS WITH HIM.

I don't know this behaviour doesn't give you the serious ick though. It's deeply unattractive.

All of this.

It seems like a habit ? And maybe they do the child care for him. It's weird she doesn't really come to yours and that you guys don't do anything together. I'd be concerned about the long term if you are thinking of having kids together. If your not then I guess it's his choice and I'd plan my own stuff on weekends

He's probably got into a habit of going, you need to tell him he now has a different home which she should be included me. Can you suggest she has a bedroom and a bed for your house? Are his parents controlling the situation and he feels he has no choice but to go there and stay?
If he's only going so he doesn't have ti "parent" then that's a bit shit. He needs to step up now he has the opportunity too. I would sit down and have the talk with him.

I'd throw him back OP. I wouldnt see a future that involved children (or pets) anyway as he clearly doesn't pull his weight.

He goes to his parents so he doesn't have to parent.

DDs dad is similar, she's 13 and been visiting weekly since she was 2, he has only taken her on days out if his sibling visits with their children, never taken her to the cinema etc. He does look after her at his, but lives 45 mins away from us and 10 minutes from the city which has loads of stuff to do. However, she does loads with me and quite likes quiet Sundays with her dad to recharge.

He’s an utter deadbeat. Does he not repulse you? Never parented his child for more than 4 hours-how can anyone find this in any way acceptable or appealing in a boyfriend?

You're also framing this as weekends revolving around the grandparents but that is not the issue. The issue is that he can't be bothered parenting so he's letting them do it.

He's still completely enmeshed with his family of origin, he has not yet flown the nest he is still a baby bird, not enough of an adult to parent his child so he gets his parents to do it for him.
Although he lives with you his real home is still with his mummy and daddy.

I think it is a habit, that’s what he’s done her whole life - so far. Just yesterday planned to do something together but he had to check with parents and his sister first, only when they all said I got ph we can come to your area now - it was the ‘now’ that really p’d me off! I have a spare room, said she’s welcome to stay but if she isn’t at the grandparents then she’s at a sleepover with the sister. I do think he’s trying to keep everyone happy but entirely overlooks that she is his daughter and others fit into plans, you don’t make plans around them/grandparents. I don’t think they’d say anything if they didn’t see her but he wants them to see her as much as he does, which is why I keep saying they can pick her up any time they like it doesn’t have to be only when you have her that they see her and she’s your child not theirs

Does nobody here actually like their parents and want to spend time with them?! Plus if he lived there before his child is used to seeing them whenever she's over! I hate the mn thing of calling someone eg a man child if they want to spend time at home or have their children spend time with their granny. I live an hour and a bit form my mum and because of work etc don't get to see her enough, I'd love my kids to see her every other weekend and properly know her! Op I will agree with people above, I don't think the two of you have a future together, you just don't seem on the same page and I think he will always gravitate back to them no matter what he says (as I would too but my dh understands and we see his mum regularly as she lives closer)

You are really lucky, he is showing you exactly what sort of a pathetic father he is so you can go off and find someone else if you want to have children.

The fact that despite being the father of a ten year old he is still relying on other people to provide accommodation for him should have been a big clue, but I hope you are now fitting the jigsaw together for yourself.

If that was the intent I would get it but then it would be planned. Or they might invite family to where he lives to start to build the new family/setup. Or it wouldn't be every single week. He's barely ever spent any time alone though - that smacks of manchild.

He doesn't even take responsibility for himself; he has a succession of women to baby him (ex, his mother and sister) and you're just his latest mug, providing him with a home, where entertaining his child, meals, laundry, sex are all laid on.

So long as you keep enabling his lazy arse, you're part of the problem. Move him back OUT.

Op, my ds's dad is like that. He won't take responsibility for his son, never takes him anywhere or does anything unless there is an adult female relative who will organise things and be present. Same thing every week. I don't know how they stand the boredom.

I don't think your man has long term, partner, parent potential. You'll end up having to organise his life and acting as his mum too. I'm guessing you've already provided him with a home. Throw him back and find someone with a bit more initiative.

He sounds a real prize!

I think as well as everything others have said, his daughter is probably really close to her grandparents at this point, her feelings on staying with you, rather than with very close family members need taking into account.

Honestly, I'd throw this one back in the sea.

Or he wants to make sure his parents have a relationship with her before they die

Yes, I’m sure his reasons for palming off his kid who he barely sees on to his parents is an act of sheer altruism 😄 ‘before they die’? What makes you think the 32yr old mans parents will be dying any time soon? Looks like OP isn’t replying, anyway.

He sounds awful - he was living with his parents until 32 and has now moved in with you, so no living independently or concept of running his own home or life. You will find it impossible to change anything about this man.

What discussions did you have with him before he moved in about how things would be? Nothing’s changed because he doesn’t want it to, he’s perfectly happy with the status quo, of course he is, he’s not having to do much!

You're pushing water up hill in trying to get him to do things differently. Stop fighting it and accept what he’s like or dump him. It’s not you for to care more about his daughter than her own father does.

I would be hesitant to push on change in one way. This has been his daughters life and she is ten so in the next couple of years things will change due her age.

It isn't great parenting on his part but any change that removes her that access to her family in the limited time will not go down well with a lot of people. She obviously has a close relationship with them and sees there as home.

What could you possibly find attractive about this man?

He's a deadbeat dad.

You can do so much better.

You know these thread are Uber weird.

This dad is clearly not very invested in his child. Absolutely deserves the roasting he's getting.

But I'm not sure why people are being so nasty to op ? What because he's shit, op is also shit ? What is the is blame by association ?

Surely if everyone's exs are shit, and op is a mug for being with him. Then so is all of his exs and mum by proxy 🙄 (that's different I suppose ?)

Anyway op he sounds like hard work, you seem nice. At best he's gotten lazy and frankly do you want to pull your own weight and his too. I would run

Ew. What a deadbeat. 🤢 why would you be with someone who choses to see his child so little?