Weekends revolve around grandparents

[confusedandunsureone]

My 32yo partner has a 10yo daughter, lives an hour away (mum doesn’t drive) and he sees her fortnightly for 1 day and then 2 days/1 night. Until recently he lived at home/grandparents so weekends revolved around them but he has now moved in with me yet still disappears to his parents every time he has daughter. I’m invited over but sitting around someone else’s house is no fun for me and I don’t think it’s enjoyable for the daughter either as everyone comments that her mum is a gamer and all they do is stay in (even for her 10th birthday they stayed in and got a takeaway, didn’t and doesn’t see any friends outside of school), I think weekends with dad should be fun and something to look forward to, not a 2+ car journey to sit indoors. I asked if she lived closer would the grandparents see her more and pick her up etc he said yeah - just because she lives an hour away they don’t. Also asked if he bought his own house would he go to theirs every 2 weeks, to stay once every 4 weeks and he said no - so why is he still doing this when he has moved out? I do understand it’s a big change, he doesn’t do much for daughter as mum/nan takes over which is a plus point for him although it does mean that he’s never spent more than I think 4 hours alone with her, he isn’t involved daily either and her mum makes all decisions on school, homework etc. She’s a lovely girl and we get on really well, I’m just not sure how to get him to grow up, take responsibility for his child and not be so reliant on his parents in so much as his weekends with daughter revolve entirely around them (even though they make plans for lunches out etc and it’s only when they’re not around that he’ll suggest we do something as the 3 of us)?

Who’s being ‘nasty’ to OP? She should have immediately dumped him upon finding out what an inept ‘father’ he is, not moved him in to her property. The man has never parented his 10yr old for more than a few hours, that’s shocking and indefensible. OP thinks she can waste her life changing who this bloke is as a person, which is really sad. Women are not rehabilitation centres for shit men.

Personally, I just think it’s a habit he’s got into, when he was staying at parents, obviously when he had DD he took her there and they being doting GP took over the care. I don’t think you are unreasonable now you are a family to say can all 3 of you go out for the day instead of going to GP, every other time he has her. I expect the GP won’t want this though.

@ItsNotWhatItsNot I mean either reading comprehension has gone down hill or you your being deliberately obtuse.

After my comment there's a perfect example of it 🙄

As op has stated if mum doesn't live locally or drive, so that does vary contact, it could be his family dynamics fuck knows what reasons he's given op. There's a variety of reasons why people stay when they shouldn't. I'm assuming your not judging mum for moving in and even worse having a baby with dad. So

Just to be clear this guy sounds like a waster. But op isn't equally at fault because he's shit.

God this sounds so boring for you and the little girl.
Op you sound potentially a fab step mum but this isn't your problem to be fair.

You need to sack him off now.

As a parent myself this would put my off and be a massive red flag. No way would I ever date a dead beat dad. Pathetic.

I think that the OP's partner had created his own village to help him care for his daughter. This has worked well as all of the villagers love and care for his daughter and there is a bond that exist between the villagers and the daughter.

The OP's partner may care very much for the OP and think of her as his partner, but he may not yet see her as a part of that loving village that is helping to care for his daughter. The daughter may also see the OP as a very nice friend of her father's, but she too may have no interest or need in leaving the familiarity of her village .

The OP has already formed a somewhat critical view of the mother's parenting (re the time spent gaming) and if the daughter or the in-laws have picked up on this they may be leery of the possibility of the the OP bringing conflict and acrimony into a situation that to date has worked well for all involved.

The OP might be better served in the long term to work on developing her relationship with the partner and letting the situation with the daughter evolve naturally.

The idea that coming to the OP' s house because it might be more fun and provide more things to do might not be a big draw to a child who is happy and satisfied with things as they are. This child seems to be surrounded by people who love and accommodate her existing interest. She may not feel any voids in her life.

@namechangenacy you seem angry.
OP should not accept such a crap boyfriend. No one, anywhere, ever should date a deadbeat. She should value herself more and aim for better. Its sad that she's continued her relationship with this man. I won't be reading any more of your replies.

@ItsNotWhatItsNot why would I be angry ? 😵‍💫 Your the one who started this conversation with me - saying who's been nasty to op and I pointed at one of many examples. Nice deflection though - can see you couldn't answer the question

I simply pointed out that if a man's shit dad that's on him, not any of women in his life and there was no need to be spite to op as she's asking for help.

That's just imo, obviously opinions vary and all that jazz.

He won't because he's a responsibility diverting man child. Sorry! He views you as a DM figure. You know this deep down, he's made little effort with existing child and wouldn't be likely to improve if you had one together. Men like this don't tend to change so get him moved back with DM and find a real man.

This will all change in the coming years as the daughter becomes a teenager and is not interested in spending her weekend inside the grandparents house.

She probably won't want to swap that with dad's girlfriend who she doesn't know particularly well.

He's going to struggle with that.

For the love of God don't do this. Don't invite this potential cock lodger into your home .

Deadbeat is the word.

I hope you do not intend to ever have children with this selfish loser?

Because this is who he is.

What on earth do you see in him?