To not take one of my four SC on holiday?

[CrispyBeef]

Yeah, I know. It sounds terrible but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Set up is Me, DH, DD5 and four DSC. (20, 18, 16 & 13).

They live with their DM and come EOW and oldest three come whenever they want anyway.

Youngest DSC13 has basically never wanted to come to us. We thought it would get better with time but actually it's only getting worse. This has been the case for 8 years.

He's forced by his DM to come EOW but never wants to. Never visits for Father's Day even when the others do. He's just visited for DD6 birthday. The others have been here for hours. DSC turns up for half an hour, makes DM wait outside. Doesn't speak to anyone. Then leaves without a goodbye. Didn't even realise DSC had gone.

We've been talking about all going away for 10 days next summer. But honestly, I don't want DSC to come. The others yes but not the youngest. It's clear DSC doesn't want to be here. DSC's siblings don't particularly like DSC and think DSC is rude, etc. DSC has come away with us before but only UK based and only for 5 days but since then their relcuctance to be with us has gotten worse.

I think we would all have more fun if they dsc13 didnt come. Haven't spoken to dH about any of this but he's aware there's a problem with dsc13 but buries his head and doesn't know what to do about it.

I also don't think we should force dsc13 to come to ours eow but dh doesn't want to give up on dsc.

I think it needs to be his choice whether he comes or not, 13 is old enough to decide if he wants to miss out.

Regardless of the holiday, your DH needs to get his head out of the sand and give it a fucking good wobble. Your DSS doesn't want to come to your house for a reason, and if your DH doesn't work on his relationship with him he could end up losing his son further down the line.

Is there a reason he is like this, when the others aren’t? His behaviour seems extreme and would make more sense if it was led by his older siblings, but it isn’t?

It's been going on for 8 years? About the time your DD was born?

I think it's up to your DH but I would hope he would offer but not force your youngest DSD to come. It sounds like he really struggled with the arrival of his half sibling and it's not been dealt with well.

Just to clarify this has been happening since long before our DD was born. And DSC13 actually seems to like DD more than the rest of us including the other siblings. This has been happening since DH and his ex first separated before I was on the scene even.

DSC13 has literally never wanted to come. DH doesn't think DSC13 is old enough to make their own decision about coming but I think the opposite. It's been like this since the beginning but only getting worse. Doesn't sound like there's going to be any change of hearts.

And in the mean time, the atmosphere when DSC13 is here is pretty miserable.

The others love coming. They love their dad. Get on well with me and adore DD. They reckon the reason dSc13 doesn't like coming is because at mums house they're the baby, do what they want, Game all day, lounge around in no clothes, never get in trouble, etc. But I don't know.

DH doesn't want to give DSC13 the choice. And his DM also forces DSC13 to come because I think she values the break tbh!

Just to clarify this has been happening since long before our DD was born. And DSC13 actually seems to like DD more than the rest of us including the other siblings. This has been happening since DH and his ex first separated before I was on the scene even.

Sounds like your DH needs to deal with your DSC issues around his parents separation.

DH doesn't want to give DSC13 the choice.

Because then your DH gets to look like the doting father to all his kids without having to deal with the actual underlying issues.

And his DM also forces DSC13 to come because I think she values the break tbh!

She probably will, yeah, if she only gets EOW to herself. And she probably thinks your DH needs to step up and do some parenting.

I'm sorry to be harsh, I'm a SM myself. But I see this as a DH problem, not a DSS problem.

DSC's siblings don't particularly like DSC

Poor kid ☹️

Definitely go without. What's the point of putting everyone through it?
I also think EOW needs to pause for a bit, regardless of mum's break. Forcing the issue all these years hasn't helped so why would forcing him through his teen years be any different?
I think DH might need to think about working on his relationship with his son away from the other kids. He needs to gain his trust and then might have half a chance of getting to the bottom of whatever the problem is.

Get Dh to discuss it with the dss on his own.
If he'd prefer not to come then book it over the time with his mum

I would invite them all but make it clear it is up to them if they go or not. The older ones will soon be getting to an age they may not want to go anyway.

but more importantly the adults in his life need to be trying to help him with whatever is going on to cause him so many issues around his family.

You have to give him the choice, and DH needs to find out why he hates coming so much.

Huh? Dd is 5 not 8

The 20 & 18 yo's still come for contact?

misses point entirely

If the 13yo doesn't ever want to come to visit, why would he want to go on the holiday? But no, I wouldn't want him ruining my holiday either.

Is it possible he doesn’t like coming because he isn’t protected from being bullied by his older siblings when he’s at your house?

Where have you got that he is bullied?

The comment about them not liking him, and they’ve been slagging him off to the OP. Just a thought.

I couldn’t ever EVER not invite one child on a holiday. If the relationship is already bad I am certain excluding him from a holiday everyone else goes on would make it 100x worse. I’d offer him the choice of coming or not, but I wouldn’t be able to not invite him.

Does you DH and his 13 yr old get much 1-2-1 time together? Strikes me that as the youngest he probably has few memories of him at his home and as he has been older there has been lots of other children to take time and attention. His older children probably have more memories of him living at home and had more time to build a relationship.

Obviously there is a bigger issue at hand here OP. The holiday is the least of it.

Is DSC unhappy? How does his mother find him? The eldest sibling can they speak with them to get to the bottom of the issue.

You think the DH should get to completely opt out of the four days a month parenting he does? Screw the mums break? Really?

No, I think the DSS should get to opt out and screw mums break.

So having problems with his youngest he then thought adding another child into the mix would help

DS can't opt out from who his parents are.

Why should the mum spend 100% of the time with this difficult child and dad gets to do sweet FA?

Maybe the Father/Son relationship would be better if he did more than 4 days a month? Not less.

Can we not do the whole making out either Mum or Dad is the bad guy here? It was an amicable separation, DH and his ex get on well. I get on with her well. We'll have a chat if we bump into each other in the supermarket. She's had my DD over for tea because she understands how close DD is to her siblings. DH has always said the DC can come whenever they want, they all have house keys, are welcome whenever. They can just turn up and stay whenever they like, it's no problem. He has always gone to parents evening, school plays, etc. Helped ex out with home and car repairs, helped them move house, done his share of hospital runs and a and e visits, etc. And he has always been the stricter one.

This is why i can't understand why DSC13 doesn't want to come. All the others are fine and have a great relationship with all of us. DH, Ex and me all get on, etc.

You could be right here. DsC13 was obviously the youngest at the time of separation and had less of a chance to build a relationship because of the older ones

No, my understanding is at home because DSC13 is the youngest they get away with sweet bloody murder. They don't bully at all. DsC irritates them and winds them up and when they finally bite back, it's them that gets into trouble with mum. I also think DSC13 has been a bit of a technology victim, addicted to gaming, phones, computers, hard to get them out the house or to even get dressed. DsC doesn't have access to any of the tech stuff at ours, says doesn't want to come because it's boring, ie. can't sit around in pants gaming all all day and DH is stricter than DM so DSC13 gets away with a lot less at ours. Others are older so weren't reliant on the tech growing up like DSc.