To not take one of my four SC on holiday?

[CrispyBeef]

Yeah, I know. It sounds terrible but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Set up is Me, DH, DD5 and four DSC. (20, 18, 16 & 13).

They live with their DM and come EOW and oldest three come whenever they want anyway.

Youngest DSC13 has basically never wanted to come to us. We thought it would get better with time but actually it's only getting worse. This has been the case for 8 years.

He's forced by his DM to come EOW but never wants to. Never visits for Father's Day even when the others do. He's just visited for DD6 birthday. The others have been here for hours. DSC turns up for half an hour, makes DM wait outside. Doesn't speak to anyone. Then leaves without a goodbye. Didn't even realise DSC had gone.

We've been talking about all going away for 10 days next summer. But honestly, I don't want DSC to come. The others yes but not the youngest. It's clear DSC doesn't want to be here. DSC's siblings don't particularly like DSC and think DSC is rude, etc. DSC has come away with us before but only UK based and only for 5 days but since then their relcuctance to be with us has gotten worse.

I think we would all have more fun if they dsc13 didnt come. Haven't spoken to dH about any of this but he's aware there's a problem with dsc13 but buries his head and doesn't know what to do about it.

I also don't think we should force dsc13 to come to ours eow but dh doesn't want to give up on dsc.

I think the holiday problem would probably resolve itself if you asked him if he wanted to come, because he'd probably say no. More broadly than that, the key thing is your DH getting his head out of the sand. At 13, it's past time with some frank discussions with his DS about why he doesn't want to come/expectations of behaviour if he does.

I didn't say Dad should do sweet FA.
I said he should spend focussed time with his son away from all the other kids and at 13 the time to force the boy to stay somewhere he clearly doesn't want to be has passed. It has not served their relationship well and a reset is required.

I think the holiday problem would probably resolve itself if you asked him if he wanted to, because he'd probably say

I think this too. But regarding the EOW contact I don't think 13 is old enough to opt out of this as I don't think a 13 year old is mature enough to make that call (as long as there's been no abuse etc). I don't think a 13 year old has the maturity to understand how important their relationship with their father is.

And I think their mum is definitely not unreasonable for waiting a break. Your DH can't just decide that she has to do 100% because the 13 year old says so.
He needs to get to the root of why his6l child doesn't want to come over.

How has YOUR relationship been with them?

1. you have to ask him on the holiday
2. you (Dh) can’t give up on a 13 year old so I wouldn’t stop making him come eow!
3. dh needs to pull his finger out, find a regular 1 on 1 activity where he can’t sit on a screen in his own world and spend that time with his child. (Could be screens to get him interested I guess but interactive). Parents spend lots of unrewarding time with miserable children that reaps dividends long after.
4. dh should also talk to the mum and ask about cutting back on technology since they are amicable , but that sounds like it will be a no thanks. And suggestions from the dad who sees him every fortnight about how the mum who has him all the time should parent are pretty cheeky, so I do see it’s hard.

If you are a standard 13 year old what you want to do is play video games with your mates, join in with the chat on social media/on the phone, go kick a ball about in the park with your friends or participate in other sporting activities with your friends. It's an age where it's really important to run with the pack and these days the pack tends to be mainly online.

So that's all very important to him but you seem really disparaging of it (even though here you are asking questions online, too!) So you disparage what he likes to do, and he's disparaging you back with his indifference. (Although of course, he will find it all deeply hurtful and rejecting you from the holiday will be doubly hurtful.)

You're are the adults and you need to break this destructive cycle.

I think if you and your husband want to foster better relations with him you might want to meet him half way on what he wants to do with his time. Refusing to let him do what he loves to do sets you up in opposition to him which is generally a bad idea with a teen.

Once he falls in love in a year or two, the gaming will probably go anyway.

Could DH and DSC game together for part of the weekend he is with you?

Has DH only ever done EOW?

Is he not allowed to game at all when he’s with you? No wonder he doesn’t want to come. It’s unreasonable to have total bans on technology for teens.

Relationships need to be built. Your DH should try to meet his DC halfway and foster a better bond.

I wouldn’t organise a holiday to which he is not invited but I would give him the choice whether to attend.

We don't have a tech ban they bring their phones and can use them when they want. Its just that we don't bave specific gaming stuff that DSC13 has at home. We don't have a gaming PC or gaming chair, we don't have an xbox.

Sometimes it helps to meet children where they’re at. Would you and Dh consider getting an Xbox to occasionally play games with him to show an interest in his interests?

As for the holiday, I agree with pp who have suggested inviting him but allowing him the opportunity to accept or decline.

Yeah, I agree with the holiday. We wouldn't not invite him. But giving him a choice is a good idea. Annoyingly we have a PS4 but that's not good enough. It has to be a gaming PC or an xbox. Neither of which we have the funds to purchase. But also I'm not sure if the gaming thing is a red herring anyway. And perhaps only a small part of the reason DSC13 doesn't want to come. Dh is going to arrange a get together with DM

What's with the ambiguous pronouns?

Too many people without a clue.

I hear you on the gaming thing, my own DS has a gaming set up at this fathers house - paid for himself and chose to set it up there. He's hardly going to save up for another to put at our house and I can't afford the £2k it cost so he chooses to spend his time at his fathers as that's where he's happiest.

If a DC of 13 doesn't want to come, they don't want to come and shouldn't be made to at that age. I get that mum "wants a break" but that comment never sits right with me.

I get that mum "wants a break" but that comment never sits right with me.

Unless you are a lone parent who has sole care of a child 24/7 with no breaks you are not in a position to judge the mum for wanting a break for 2 days out of 14.

I've nothing against mum wanting a break - I would do, but I think most would say a 14 year old gets to choose, and he's less than a year shy of that. Something has to give - he can't go somewhere EOW if he's going to refuse to speak to anyone, it's not sustainable. He either needs to change his attitude and at least be polite, or everyone needs to accept that it isn't working.

I can judge who she likes. She's NOT a lone parent.

Judge who I like I mean, that's the beauty of life. I can have my own opinion! You don't have to like it.

Well I can imagine that she would feel like one if the DSC just stopped seeing his dad.

I can have my own opinion! You don't have to like it.

True. I am judging youright now. You don't have to like it.

I don't understand why any parent / step parent would consider stopping visits before finding out exactly why their child / DSC didn't want to see them and doing all they can to address it. Seems strange to me.

Your DH sounds really lazy in his parenting of his older children. The youngest has been usurped. He has lost his DH to two younger children and that's fucking hard as a child. This is why your DH should make lots of time 1:1 for the youngest. He commited to these children and should absolutely not be allowed off the hook. A few meetings without you and your dc would help. Doing something the youngest enjoys. I can tell you from personal experience that going through your teens without the essential bonding with your father and any shared father/child experience is hard. The eldest had it so are more secure. The second wife and children always being there is a bind and the 13 year old probably doesn't want that. If you don't act soon you and your children could be next to be bumped up.

Lazy in what way?

Also, I only have one DC. Not two.

And don't think I'm not sympathetic to the situation. I was abandoned by my own father at three years old. Replaced by his wife's own three older children. And then two younger children they had together. Abandoned to the point my father decided he didnt want to see me anymore at just 5 years old. And this situation is nowhere near that, DH has gone to every effort to ensure his DC do not feel abandoned or replaced by our DD. And it certainly seems to have worked with the eldest three who all love coming and adore DD.

I meant lazy in the way that it sounds like he could do more to build bridges with this teen. You obviously know the difficulties, having experienced upset yourself. It shouldn't be your job to have to find a solution. You don't sound lazy, quite the opposite. It's probably a trigger type subject for me, apologies if my words sounded harsh. I just see so many women in your situation being left to sort these dynamics out for lazy men who let down their other children and make little efforts for them. Personally I would consider only taking my DH on this holiday rather than leaving 1 behind. All or none.

I would let dsc decide for himself if he wants to come. But your hubby really needs to get to the bottom of what the problem is.
As for dsc not being old enough to decide, he absolutely is. My 11 year old has made the decision to have very little to do with his Dad (for many reasons) and when we went through the courts, the courts were in agreement that they would not force him and respected his decision.

I think you just ask the dsc if they want to come or not. They will almost certainly say no surely.

Why does SC13 not want to visit. Surely if this is going on 8 years, ye know what his reasoning is?

Do think the younger one could have specific needs etc such neurodivergent?