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Step-parenting

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Original poster

No respect

38 replies

Whoknows11 · 01/07/2023 22:56

My partners 19 year old daughter has no respect for him and has told him this. I'm struggling as she's v manipulative and also very hurtful in the process. How do I support my partner when I think his daughter's actions are disgraceful? He'll put up with it as he wants a relationship with her. If he tells her his thoughts she'll walk away only to be seen again when she wants money.

OP posts:
Chunkychips23 · 02/07/2023 14:00

This sounds exactly like my DP’s 17yr old son. There’s not a lot you can do as a SM to be honest, apart from being there for him.

DP and BM need to work together to address this - my DP’s ex is the reason the kids are the way they are, so in our case, no help there!

You can voice your concerns to DP, but it’s on him to deal with his kid and address the behaviour. If he tolerates it, your SD will continue to behave like that.

I sent my DP links to helpful articles and suggested he see a counsellor which has helped empower him a bit. Might be worth seeing if SD would be willing to attend family counselling with your DP too - my DP tried with his son, but BM said no and stopped it. As your SD is an adult, she may be a little more willing. She seems to be acting like she feels he owes her something. Or she could just be a massive brat. Either way, family therapy will help get to the bottom of it all.

Original poster
Whoknows11 · 02/07/2023 19:00

I think it's a mixture of massive brat and ex wife's input!!

I'm struggling to stand back and watch him be treated so badly.

OP posts:
P1ckledonionz · 03/07/2023 02:26

How long have you been with him?

Just gently, there might be more going on than you know about. It is a classic situation for women to feel a lot of pity for a man when they have heard his narrative of events but if you sat down to speak to his ex and his children you might hear a very different story.

That aside, if he 'buys' his daughters affection with money and does not manage to maintain a healthy relationship with her by holding boundaries and maintaining authentic and healthy communication, it doesn't bode very well for his capacity to have relationships with anyone else. It may be that she doesn't respect him for good reason - one being that he is transactional in his relationships.

Original poster
Whoknows11 · 03/07/2023 07:04

We've been together 18 months. I understand there are two sides to every story.
I'm finding it difficult to respect him if he doesn't respect himself.
He thinks any relationship is better than nothing with his daughter.
He's spent years with a controlling wife I feel he's so down trodden by her and now his daughter he's lost sight of what are healthy relationships and just accepts it.

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 03/07/2023 07:11

Agree with what @P1ckledonionz says. There might be a massive back story that he hasn't told you. This was exactly the case in my situation with my DD and her dad. The new partner doesn't have a clue because he's told her a completely different version of events.

Original poster
Whoknows11 · 03/07/2023 07:33

I feel he's told me everything. I trust him.

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 03/07/2023 08:40

Whoknows11 · 03/07/2023 07:33

I feel he's told me everything. I trust him.

Then I'd suggest you stay out of it - it's not really your business.

Original poster
Whoknows11 · 03/07/2023 10:29

I think you're right!

OP posts:
Makemyday99 · 04/07/2023 05:59

Been in your situation a few years ago with adult sc. I refused them access to our home until behaviour changed, it didn’t & we cut them off eventually (bit more to it that that but ultimately that happened). Just because she is your sc doesn’t mean you have to tolerate your DH being disrespected & used by another adult in his own home.

P1ckledonionz · 04/07/2023 06:04

From the above article:

"Men who showed more hostile sexist views felt they had less power in their relationships [in other words, perceived their partner as controlling], while their significant others thought otherwise, and those men were more aggressive toward their partners by being critical or unpleasant," said Cross.

P1ckledonionz · 04/07/2023 06:05

"Heterosexual men with sexist attitudes may underestimate how much power they actually have in their romantic relationships, which could lead to increased aggression toward their female partners or wives, according to research published by the American Psychological Association."

Makemyday99 · 04/07/2023 06:06

P1ckledonionz · 04/07/2023 06:04

From the above article:

"Men who showed more hostile sexist views felt they had less power in their relationships [in other words, perceived their partner as controlling], while their significant others thought otherwise, and those men were more aggressive toward their partners by being critical or unpleasant," said Cross.

Unhelpful & irrelevant plus you’re not convincing anyone

StopStartStop · 04/07/2023 06:13

We've been together 18 months.
He's spent years with a controlling wife I feel he's so down trodden
I think, just guessing, you've been fed a line about the wife.

My partners 19 year old daughter
Too old to need any input from stepmummy. She and her father are both adults, let them manage their own relationship. You support by butting out.

daughter has no respect for him
She's known him nineteen years, you've known him eighteen months. She might have good reason to lack respect.

Original poster
Whoknows11 · 04/07/2023 06:18

Interesting views and negative at that.

But thank you anyway.

OP posts:
P1ckledonionz · 04/07/2023 06:52

Perhaps to you.

P1ckledonionz · 04/07/2023 06:54

Previous reply to @Makemyday99

P1ckledonionz · 04/07/2023 06:56

@Whoknows11 good luck with it all!

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 04/07/2023 07:39

The thing is, regardless of what the context is, there's fuck all you can do about it. He's the only one that can put boundaries in place and change things if he wants to. All you can do is avoid being present during these visits/conversations so you don't have to witness it and be upset by it.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 04/07/2023 08:01

Respect is earned.

At some point your DP has behaved in a way to his DD (once or repeatedly) where he lost her respect, or maybe he never earned it in the first place.

Even her behaviour now isn't being parented in a way which would make DD respect him.

If you are truly interested in why she acts this way, you could pick a calm moment and ask her (just make it very clear you're genuinely interested in her feelings and not being goady).

Her response may enlighten you as to the type of man you're dating and the type of childhood he gave his daughter.

Makemyday99 · 04/07/2023 08:58

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 04/07/2023 08:01

Respect is earned.

At some point your DP has behaved in a way to his DD (once or repeatedly) where he lost her respect, or maybe he never earned it in the first place.

Even her behaviour now isn't being parented in a way which would make DD respect him.

If you are truly interested in why she acts this way, you could pick a calm moment and ask her (just make it very clear you're genuinely interested in her feelings and not being goady).

Her response may enlighten you as to the type of man you're dating and the type of childhood he gave his daughter.

You do not earn the right to disrespect someone & take their money just because you may or may not have had a bad childhood. If the op was her bio mum the advice would be completely different

Original poster
Whoknows11 · 04/07/2023 09:24

I feel he's rewarding bad behaviour as he feels guilty she's angry/hurting that her parents are no longer together. It was a mutual decision to split. I do feel she's playing the victim.
If I was her biological mother I would be telling her exactly how I feel and if she didn't like it that's her choice.
I have decided I no longer want to hear about it all as it does upset me seeing someone be so nasty to their own father. She treats him like he's committed murder and then asks for money! He's not helping the situation and I've told him this and this is where I now have to draw a line!

OP posts:
ItsNotWhatItsNot · 04/07/2023 09:28

StopStartStop · 04/07/2023 06:13

We've been together 18 months.
He's spent years with a controlling wife I feel he's so down trodden
I think, just guessing, you've been fed a line about the wife.

My partners 19 year old daughter
Too old to need any input from stepmummy. She and her father are both adults, let them manage their own relationship. You support by butting out.

daughter has no respect for him
She's known him nineteen years, you've known him eighteen months. She might have good reason to lack respect.

Exactly this. Just enjoy dating your new boyfriend, no need to get bogged down in the drudgery of his interactions with his adult child.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/07/2023 09:31

I would hazard a guess that the chance of him having a controlling ex wife and also that he's a good father and it's all rhe SDs fault is somewhere between zero and zero.

The dd will without a shadow of a doubt have good reason to be behaving th way she is towards ger father. Sounds like he's tried to buy her her whole life and she's worked it out.

Floofydawg · 04/07/2023 09:41

arethereanyleftatall · 04/07/2023 09:31

I would hazard a guess that the chance of him having a controlling ex wife and also that he's a good father and it's all rhe SDs fault is somewhere between zero and zero.

The dd will without a shadow of a doubt have good reason to be behaving th way she is towards ger father. Sounds like he's tried to buy her her whole life and she's worked it out.

I have to agree with this I'm afraid and that's exactly my experience of my own DD. Like I said in my previous post, the new partner is completely oblivious and has been fed a line about me being the bad guy in our split.