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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

No respect

38 replies

Whoknows11 · 01/07/2023 22:56

My partners 19 year old daughter has no respect for him and has told him this. I'm struggling as she's v manipulative and also very hurtful in the process. How do I support my partner when I think his daughter's actions are disgraceful? He'll put up with it as he wants a relationship with her. If he tells her his thoughts she'll walk away only to be seen again when she wants money.

OP posts:

Azerothi · 04/07/2023 09:46

How long have you lived with this current boyfriend?

His daughter may have a very good reason for being unpleasant given she has known your boyfriend very much longer than you have and he is already spinning you yarns about his ex wife.

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 04/07/2023 10:48

To be fair he doesn't spin-me yarns about his ex wife, it's what I have seen/heard myself from her. She still tries to control him now. Sadly in this case there is a lot of bad mouthing him in front of his daughter from his ex wife. This is having an impact.
I don't think there is any excuse at the way she treats him. If it was be my daughter I'd be disgusted. But his ex wife encourages her, they gang up on him. Constantly put him down, bringing up his flaws and attacking him. If the sexes were the other way around it would be abuse.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 04/07/2023 10:56

A parent who isn't liked by their child is a huge red flag to me. She is a product of her upbringing. But it's very clear from your posts that you can see no wrong in him, which is normal at 18 months, so, good luck op. See you back on here in x amount of time complaining about an emotionally unavailable partner.

Makemyday99 · 04/07/2023 12:28

arethereanyleftatall · 04/07/2023 10:56

Oh behave, I welcomed my Step sons from children (12 years) & it was positive until they made poor life choices, one of them is a smack addict the other has been in & out of prison for years for various assault charges, our DD & my DD’s (22 & 24) have done just fine they all had the same opportunities, stop making excuses for pathetic life choices

Floofydawg · 04/07/2023 13:52

@Makemyday99 I think you're making a slightly different point there. What the poster was saying is that if an adult child doesn't respect a parent, there could be very good reason for it. I won't bore you with the details of why my DD has cut off her dad, but suffice to say she has good reason. What you're talking about is something completely different - making poor life choices, not lack of respect for parents.

Yoyooo · 04/07/2023 13:56

Makemyday99 · 04/07/2023 05:59

Been in your situation a few years ago with adult sc. I refused them access to our home until behaviour changed, it didn’t & we cut them off eventually (bit more to it that that but ultimately that happened). Just because she is your sc doesn’t mean you have to tolerate your DH being disrespected & used by another adult in his own home.

How awful for your SC! I bet they felt so unloved and unwanted. There is almost always a back story and a reason for children acting this way - usually the actions of the parent!

Makemyday99 · 04/07/2023 16:32

Yoyooo · 04/07/2023 13:56

How awful for your SC! I bet they felt so unloved and unwanted. There is almost always a back story and a reason for children acting this way - usually the actions of the parent!

Show quote history

Good, I don’t want a smack addict or a violent drunk in my home

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 05/07/2023 08:34

@Makemyday99 apologies if I was unclear. I meant the respect that the DD has for her DF (the OPs partner) obviously isn't there.

The DSD doesn't respect her own father and that lack of respect comes out in her treatment of him and the OP.

What has the child's father done (or not done) to earn his child's respect?

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 05/07/2023 08:42

Sadly I think it's more of a case of her mother constantly putting her father down and blaming him for everything, even the breakdown of their marriage. She has said we live in this shit house because of your father, I can't afford to buy you....because of your father etc etc It's constant and has been for years. I think that then has such a negative effect for a very confused child.
I could do similar to my children but 1. I don't play the victim and 2. I would never bad mouth their father as it only hurts them. My partners daughter now has a v negative view on men and has struggled even with her friendships. Very sad

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2023 09:02

Whilst we don't know what the mother has actually said, and I'm guessing you've only heard this second hand too - if the things the mother has been saying aren't true, wouldn't your partner have detailed this to his daughter, through both his words and his actions? I'm just thinking by 19, couldnt she decide for herself if her father deserves respect or not?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2023 09:08

For example - if you know that the mother has said that to her dd, then the dd must have told her father that, otherwise how would he know, and then he you.
So, why didn't he refute it? It could be easily done without slagging off the ex.

'Mum says we live in a shit house because of you'
'Well, it is more expensive to run two houses than one. I have worked full time and been able to pay your mother £300 per month to help raise you.'

arethereanyleftatall · 05/07/2023 10:19

Actually, I've thought of a better way of saying it, overinvested as ever...

'For example - if you know that the mother has said that to her dd, then the dd must have told her father that, otherwise how would he know, and then he you.
So, why didn't he refute it? It could be easily done without slagging off the ex.

'Mum says we live in a shit house because of you'
'Well, it is more expensive to run two houses than one. However, I have financially contributed at least half of your upbringing costs, and also looked after you when you needed it when you were younger at least half of the time including school holidays.'

Unless he didn't in which case is he the reason that they have a shit house? #i don't know

Lobelia123 · 05/07/2023 10:37

with kindness, are you sure hes not just a wet lettuce whos jumped from one 'controlling' woman in his life to another? Why are you so invested in his esteem, the respect thats given him, and his relationships with adults who respectfully are actually nothing to do with you? Why do you want to control how he is seen and how he is treated, and why does that affect how you see him? Relax and stop trying to control the narrative. these relationships and dynamics were established long before you came on the scene and will probably endure long after youve left it. Your relationship is kind of at the stage where youre moving from the first flush of excitement and discovery and now you are wanting to establish it and yourself by impacting his life, his relationship patterns and his reality. Its the relationship equivalent of a dog pissing on a lamp post. Please dont. Just back off, enjoy the relationship and try to let go of all the baggage and stuff you have no right to try to control or influence. Apologies if Ive read all of this wrong - but its how its all coming across to me.

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