Do i let sd into family

[Crazyfamilylady]

My partner and I have been together 23yrs and have a few kids between us some to previous relationships, things have been great between us and we even adopted 2 of the grandkids.
I already new my partner had possibly got another child out there so I new the day would come.
I am somebody that likes most people but I am really apprehensive about this situation.
A few years ago my partner found out this girls name and began talking to her for a few months online in a different name without thinking of talking to me about it which hurt like hell, I felt hurt and mistrusted,alone and daft as it sounds scared.
Since then they have been in touch very rarely and when they have it gets me soo angry, they have recently started talking again but I just can't help feeling uneasy about it. I have asked him if he would do a dna test for me aswell as the both of them as she is in her 30s and she was in her 20s when they first connected, he refused and gets angry with me whenever I mention it.
He wants to fetch her into the family but I have asked if he will give it a few months for them to get to know each other first on neutral grounds....am I being unreasonable because its making me ill and I don't know what to do.

This is his child yet you're writing as though she's a romantic rival/threat.

Why is that?

I have a family to protect and when she gets into intouch when she wants money and loses her child to drug misuse how am I supposed to think.

Maybe you could think about what happened to her in life that led her into such difficult circumstances at a young age, especially the fact that she had no dad because he was off having another family?

You have no reason to be angry, or this jealous, and I wonder if your extreme emotional reaction to this is why your partner hid it from you initially.

If your partner is ready to bring her into the family now, then considering they have already had time to get to know each other, your job is to support him.

Have I missed something in the OP - how do you know she’ll be asking for money or losing her child to drug misuse??

To be honest I think him keeping it from me is the main reason I am like I am....it just takes to time to build up the trust I guess, and they don't really know each other yet they have only met 2 or 3 times over the last 10 years.

Hang on. Back up.

Where does the drug misuse come from? And the child?

Who do the adopted grandchildren come from?

It's none of your business if he wants to bring his child into his family. You obstructing that would be borderline abusive/controlling.

What do you mean you adopted grandchildren?

Is half of this missing? Also, your set up sounds highly complicated:

have a few kids between us some to previous relationships, things have been great between us and we even adopted 2 of the grandkids

@Crazyfamilylady
I think that you have every right to speak to who you will accept as family and who you will represent as family to your (not joint) biological children. I think you can state that money of the funds that you earn or generate will be spent in any way in this new daughter. Beyond that, I don't think that you have any right to dictate what he does.

If he feels he has enough detail to accept this woman as his daughter without DNA testing that is his absolute right. If he wants to assist her financially and introduce her as a new sibling to his children , that too is his absolute right. He cannon assist her with money that you have earned, but his earnings and assets are his to use as he sees fit.

Paternity is his to accept , and it is not tied to your approval or conditions.

The 2 of you may just have to accept that family in your arrangement is pretty fluid , and his family may be different than your family.

You don't indicate anything that this woman has done that infringes on your relationship. If she is his daughter, he has a lot of lost time to make up. Obviously, you expect him to consider your children as a part of his family, and he has no biological connection to them.

Your position seems a bit selfish and somewhat hypocritical.

It’s her family too, her life too, which absolutely makes it her business. How the hell is it none of her business?
The mentality of people on here is mind blowing.

Thank you MissyPea I was beginning to think nobody understood me x

She's literally considering whether or not she should 'let' her husband have a relationship with his own daughter. So unbelievably self centered.

No she’s not. She wants her husband to spend time with his potential adult child away from the rest of the family until they have formed a relationship and probably so they can see what this woman is like before they get the rest of the family involved. It seems she has reason to believe the woman has had issues in the past also. That seems sensible to me.
I would also be pretty upset that your husband lied/kept it from you. Why did he do that?

I don't know why he did it but when it all began we all tried talking to her but she either ignored us or got shirty, I have been honest with her all the way through and for me being selfish well if that was me then why did I organise a weekend away with the 3 of us to see how things went and so they could talk things through without kids around. That weekend the first night was OK the second night she never came home and stopped at another caravan with a man she had never met before......Great first impression wouldn't you say!

@Crazyfamilylady
You should never have intruded on the first meeting. That did not reflect a desire to be inclusive but rather a desire to be intrusive and controlling.

You are also including irrelevant information to paint a picture of this woman as one of questionable morals. None of which have anything to do with her relationship with your husband.

Your husband has a right to develop his own opinion of and his relationship with this woman. You have the right to want no relationship with this woman. It really is that simple.

At this point, I doubt that the woman wants a relationship with you. That is her right, and she would probably be wise to take that position.

You can establish your boundaries as relates to this woman, but you cannot establish your husband's boundaries.

You are likely to end up damaging your family and alienating your husband.

You are but a part of his family circle, and you do not get to dictate who he lets into his circle.

If you object to what he is doing, you can leave and allow him to reconfigure his circle. You do not have to remain in a situation that leaves you unhappy, but it is not a nice look to try to come between a father and his long lost daughter.

Why has he only seen her 3 times in a decade? He sounds like a piece of shit dad and if you get rid of him you wont need to worry about how damaged she is because of him.

If you adopted your grandchildren I guess their parents weren't very good parents either? Why attacking that girl about her illness when your own children did something similar?

Your husband has a right to have a relationship with his daughter.

Grown ups are allowed to have casual sex op. Are you really using that as a reason to dislike her??

Tbh, you sound jealous that you aren't as involved as you want to be. He has the right to have a relationship with her that doesn't involve you. She has the right to a relationship with her father without you finding excuses for her not to.

I mean this kindly. But you are too involved at this stage.

You chose to get involved with a man who knew he potentially had another child but chose not to act. It was always the case that if this child got in touch it would be complex due to your husbands lack of parenting.

Imagine finding out your biological father had kids, took on step kids and adopted his grandkids. But never bother finding out if he was your dad.

it was always going to be difficult and you ar work over involved. The fact that you arranged for all 3 of you to go away to talk, doesn’t prove you aren’t jealous. It actually suggests you are. Because you are needing to be involved and not giving him and her the space they need.

To be fair, they got in touch when the woman was in her 20s, she is now in her 30s. What difference is a few months going to make?

It’s been a long while. Surely he should be the one judging his relationship with his daughter.

Why should it be Ops final decision about when the her husbands daughter is ‘allowed into the family’. And how long is it going to be ‘just a few more months’.

He’s the one who created the awkwardness by being sneaky and keeping their communication a secret. Have you asked him, calmly, what the fuck he was thinking? I can’t begin to imagine how I’d feel if my husband was carrying on like this.

Tbh I also can’t imagine being married to a man who knew he may or may not have another child out there. How unsettling.

What and when did he tell the other children and grandchildren about this woman.

What’s the stuff about her own child, does she have one (and a drug problem) or was that hypothetical?

Overall, I don’t blame you for your reticence about the whole sorry mess and that’s down to him and his weird behaviour.

Do you mean he wants to move her in? She's 30? Is that right? Or have I misunderstood

He isn't a bad person her mum moved away whilst she was pregnant and never told him he found out from somebody else many years later.
And he won't meet her without me being there, so I have recently gone with them and been honest with them both and said they need to be able to talk without me being there as they may need to say things that they might feel uncomfortable talking about in front of me. So I stayed for a while and went for a walk to let them have a chat, so no I'm not controlling anything or anybody I'm just trying to do the best for everyone. And yes up to recently she was on drugs but now she seems clean but I have a duty to protect my own children.