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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do i let sd into family

35 replies

Crazyfamilylady · 30/06/2023 17:32

My partner and I have been together 23yrs and have a few kids between us some to previous relationships, things have been great between us and we even adopted 2 of the grandkids.
I already new my partner had possibly got another child out there so I new the day would come.
I am somebody that likes most people but I am really apprehensive about this situation.
A few years ago my partner found out this girls name and began talking to her for a few months online in a different name without thinking of talking to me about it which hurt like hell, I felt hurt and mistrusted,alone and daft as it sounds scared.
Since then they have been in touch very rarely and when they have it gets me soo angry, they have recently started talking again but I just can't help feeling uneasy about it. I have asked him if he would do a dna test for me aswell as the both of them as she is in her 30s and she was in her 20s when they first connected, he refused and gets angry with me whenever I mention it.
He wants to fetch her into the family but I have asked if he will give it a few months for them to get to know each other first on neutral grounds....am I being unreasonable because its making me ill and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Mari9999 · 02/07/2023 13:32

@Crazyfamilylady
Yes, you have a duty as relates to "your" children but he gets to make the decision as to "his" children. It would seem that many of the children in question are adults so likely they will be making the decision on their own as to whom they consider as family.

In reality the only decision over which you have absolute control is whether "you personally" will consider her as a of of part your family and if any funds that you have earned will ever be gifted or given to her.

As relates to your husband , he gets to make all of those same choices for himself and his children.

There was no reason to mention the fact that an adult female spent the night with an adult male while on her meet up with the 2 of you. Her personal decisions as relates to sex had no bearing on the family issue.

ProfessorXtra · 02/07/2023 13:36

Crazyfamilylady · 02/07/2023 12:48

He isn't a bad person her mum moved away whilst she was pregnant and never told him he found out from somebody else many years later.
And he won't meet her without me being there, so I have recently gone with them and been honest with them both and said they need to be able to talk without me being there as they may need to say things that they might feel uncomfortable talking about in front of me. So I stayed for a while and went for a walk to let them have a chat, so no I'm not controlling anything or anybody I'm just trying to do the best for everyone. And yes up to recently she was on drugs but now she seems clean but I have a duty to protect my own children.

But he knew while she was a child.

you have always known and been with him 23 years. So he has known at least 23 years.

He is a grown man who won’t meet his own daughter without you?

But he isn’t a bad person?

bumblebee2235 · 02/07/2023 14:33

I completely get this, it's not a stepchild, it's an adult stranger that he wants to introduce to their children whilst keeping her secret from OP... I would see red flags. No discussion, no certainty it is his child. She is completely out the loop but expected to graciously accept a 30 year old woman to jump in and suddenly be involved in from the sounds of it quite a few children's lives.

Even when you meet a partner with children, you don't thrust them into new peoples lives. You build up trust, conversation, over a year or more incorporate all siblings to interact. Not hi kids here is a 30th at old secret sister I your mum don't even know about yet.. have fun!

bumblebee2235 · 02/07/2023 14:36

Mari9999 · 01/07/2023 17:29

@Crazyfamilylady
You should never have intruded on the first meeting. That did not reflect a desire to be inclusive but rather a desire to be intrusive and controlling.

You are also including irrelevant information to paint a picture of this woman as one of questionable morals. None of which have anything to do with her relationship with your husband.

Your husband has a right to develop his own opinion of and his relationship with this woman. You have the right to want no relationship with this woman. It really is that simple.

At this point, I doubt that the woman wants a relationship with you. That is her right, and she would probably be wise to take that position.

You can establish your boundaries as relates to this woman, but you cannot establish your husband's boundaries.

You are likely to end up damaging your family and alienating your husband.

You are but a part of his family circle, and you do not get to dictate who he lets into his circle.

If you object to what he is doing, you can leave and allow him to reconfigure his circle. You do not have to remain in a situation that leaves you unhappy, but it is not a nice look to try to come between a father and his long lost daughter.

I do agree with this, but I read it he is jumping past OP to then involve their younger children instantly with out building up conversation first??? And I'm not sure the other children ever know about her yet?? Do they OP??

PrueRamsay · 02/07/2023 15:02

He won’t meet her without you?

I find this very difficult to understand. It really comes across more like you don’t want him involved with her without you.

Original poster

Crazyfamilylady · 04/07/2023 18:06

Yes all the kids have known about her for a while now but the most of them are not bothered to meet her, that is there choice that can't be forced. I have stated to them it is up to them when they are ready and I fully support them whatever they decide.
And I am quite happy if he wants to meet her on his own infact I am trying to encourage this.

OP posts:

Mari9999 · 04/07/2023 18:18

@Crazyfamilylady
With all of this family openness and willingness to allow the children and spouse to make their own decisions, what was your question protecting your children and accepting her as a part of the family related to. This new information and position seem completely contradictory to the information stated in your original post. Perhaps, you have a late stage epiphany or some born again family awakening.

Original poster

Crazyfamilylady · 05/07/2023 00:12

All you people that think that you are a somebody that has an effect on somebody's feelings go fuck yourself because until you have been in this situation you know Jack shit 💯

OP posts:

saraclara · 05/07/2023 00:20

ladydimitrescu · 01/07/2023 18:01

Grown ups are allowed to have casual sex op. Are you really using that as a reason to dislike her??

Show quote history

To be fair, her having casual sex with a stranger in a weekend planned for her to meet her dad for the first time isn't exactly standard behaviour.

ladydimitrescu · 05/07/2023 06:57

@saraclara it wasn't to meet her dad for the first time, and even if it was - they weren't spending 24 hours together. None of their business what she does.

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