Half siblings with 9 and 10 year age gaps - seeking advice on how to support them getting on

[MumRuns77]

My 6 year old son hero worships his 15 and 17 year old half sister and half brother.

The thing is, they quite understandably have no common interests. They’re with us half the week but like most teens they have a busy social life and when they’re home, they’re usually in their rooms on Xbox or TikTok or homework.

DS used to try to tempt them to spend time with him by showing them his favourite things but they would tend to walk off after two or three minutes and lock their doors. One time he followed DSS into his room and DSS picked him up and shoved him out before slamming and locking his door. I explained to DS that they are busy and not to follow them unless invited. I said to my step kids to call me if they ever needed help disengaging with him and to ask me if they needed ideas on stuff they might be able to do with him in short bursts.

Over the last couple of years they are seeing less and less of each other and DS sometimes says how sad he is about it. When we overlap for meals, DS looks visibly stressed and desperately tries to join in with the conversation but he’s still learning about not speaking over people (and they and their Dad (my DP) all speak over him a lot to make clear his subjects aren’t interesting to them).

For various reasons we hadn’t sat down for a meal together for a few weeks but have just had Father’s Day lunch (the older kids love a Sunday roast so I treated us all to a pub lunch). DS was super excited to see them and brought some books he thought they might like (we met them at the pub as it’s their Mum’s weekend). He sat next to DSS who visibly moved his chair away and asked DS why he was sat so close. DS looked visibly hurt at the idea his brother didn’t want him near.

I know my step kids didn’t ask for a younger brother but they were so excited about him when he was a baby. I also know that teens are busy people with their own priorities. And they’re entitled to ask for personal space.

Does anyone have advice on how to make these interactions easier for DS whilst respecting the older kids’ time and needs?

How absolutely awful for you and your son being treated this way. I’d be so heart broken if my child was treated this way. Yes teenagers are selfish and need space etc but it does not excuse them being cruel and having no thought for others. Your partner should be teaching them that this behaviour is unacceptable - it’s so hard that he is joining in. A real husband issue. I think I’d give that holiday a miss and go somewhere with my son where he will be treated with kindness and love.

I feel really sad for you and your son, @MumRuns77.

This is a partner who is only interested in his older kids problem. And I can relate to that (although it’s a STBXH because I’m not having this shit any more).

The issue is definitely your partner’s lack of interest in his youngest child. That’s unacceptable. And it will set off every single maternal, protective instinct in you. We are designed for that; so of course it has.

it isn’t a given that older children will treat younger ones poorly. That’s happening because the children’s father allows and even encourages it.

I have 3 children and huge gaps between each (roughly a decade). DS1 has moved out and is living his life. He’s more like a young uncle than a sibling to DS3, but he’s brilliant with him. He adores his brother and understands that toddlers are toddlery. DS2 is in the middle. DS1 and DS2 chat away about video games (and still have that dynamic where DS1 is tolerant of his much younger brother!) DS2 and DS3 is similar to how DS1 and DS2 were when they were younger. DS2 is protective of DS3 and looks after him (his friends are cute and indulgent to the funny toddler when they’re round). DS3 thinks both his big brothers are amazing.

It’s also possible to go out with all 3 and they all accommodate their younger sibling(s) in various ways. DS3 enjoys just bring with the bigger boys too.

The problem is the way your partner is handling everything. It’s not the age gap in itself.

It's your partner's responsibility to have a chat with his kids about this. Maybe saying 'remember when you were little, you adored big boys and girls'

I have a huge age gaps with my brothers and sister. 10 years and 12 years and 13 years As a teenager yes they annoyed me and I didnt always want them in my room. Now we are grown up we are all really close. Your husband needs to get them involved, it’s super sad. My kids have a 12 year age gap also and my eldest dotes on the youngest because I encourage it. I feel desperately sorry for your little man, hopefully it improves in time

I disagree. Manners and kindness should be taught from a young age. They are just being plain rude and this exclusion and behaviour should of been stopped before it got started.

There's ten years between my eldest and youngest and they get on fine. Your step children have been allowed to behave like this and haven't been challenged by their dad. Your DP sounds like an arse and it reads like he doens't like his own youngest son.

OP,

A few different issues jumbled up.

Your step children are very rude and unkind and this has gone unchecked and even encouraged by your partner for far too long.

Their behaviour is most certainly not normal teen behaviour of a sibling IMO.

I feel very sorry for your little boy, that you have allowed this to continue for years.

His father sounds dreadful and you can be in no doubt whatsoever that growing up surrounded by such dismissive unkindness will be doing him immeasurable damage.

Poor little boy.

As for the holiday, not a chance would I be inflicting that on him.

You need to give your head a wobble and stop allowing a small child to be bullied and dismissed by his father and older siblings.

The fact he has shown his sadness is a clear indicator that he is internalising all of this.

You need to step back from trying to bend yourself out of shape for two rude teens and that awful loser your son has for a father.

You have only one child and you are failing him completely by allowing this to continue.

Take him off on holiday on your own, where he won't be faced with their relentless unkindness to him.

Visit family or friends, but do not go on a "family"🙄holiday.

I would be rethinking your relationship.

I cannot understand how you have allowed that childs father to treat him like an inconvenient annoyance?

Just awful.

Apologies if the above is harsh, but that little boy is being terribly failed.

@billy1966 that is harsh but completely fair and I have reached that conclusion myself. I’m using doing right by the six year old as my North Star for all future decision making. I will continue to be respectful of SC but will maintain much stronger boundaries on behalf my son.

Good woman.

When we know better, we do better.

Fresh eyes on situations can really inform a change of direction.

Your little boy needs protecting, the only one who can firmly do that is you.

I have two boys and they were very sensitive little souls at that age.

I mean it kindly, they are crushing him with their behaviour.

In your place, I would take his father aside and spell out what you expect from him and his children going forward.

Better you leave with your son, than allow this destroying of his esteem.

Wishing you well.

Thank you @billy1966

His dad thinks he's a nuisance and that it's OK to talk over him to show him his interests aren't important.

THAT'S your problem