Half siblings with 9 and 10 year age gaps - seeking advice on how to support them getting on

[MumRuns77]

My 6 year old son hero worships his 15 and 17 year old half sister and half brother.

The thing is, they quite understandably have no common interests. They’re with us half the week but like most teens they have a busy social life and when they’re home, they’re usually in their rooms on Xbox or TikTok or homework.

DS used to try to tempt them to spend time with him by showing them his favourite things but they would tend to walk off after two or three minutes and lock their doors. One time he followed DSS into his room and DSS picked him up and shoved him out before slamming and locking his door. I explained to DS that they are busy and not to follow them unless invited. I said to my step kids to call me if they ever needed help disengaging with him and to ask me if they needed ideas on stuff they might be able to do with him in short bursts.

Over the last couple of years they are seeing less and less of each other and DS sometimes says how sad he is about it. When we overlap for meals, DS looks visibly stressed and desperately tries to join in with the conversation but he’s still learning about not speaking over people (and they and their Dad (my DP) all speak over him a lot to make clear his subjects aren’t interesting to them).

For various reasons we hadn’t sat down for a meal together for a few weeks but have just had Father’s Day lunch (the older kids love a Sunday roast so I treated us all to a pub lunch). DS was super excited to see them and brought some books he thought they might like (we met them at the pub as it’s their Mum’s weekend). He sat next to DSS who visibly moved his chair away and asked DS why he was sat so close. DS looked visibly hurt at the idea his brother didn’t want him near.

I know my step kids didn’t ask for a younger brother but they were so excited about him when he was a baby. I also know that teens are busy people with their own priorities. And they’re entitled to ask for personal space.

Does anyone have advice on how to make these interactions easier for DS whilst respecting the older kids’ time and needs?

So your DP is your DS's dad (from the half-)? His dad sounds rude. As he had older children he must know that younger ones need some time spent with them. I would perhaps not push this for a while and make sure your DS gets some quality time with you and his dad.

Yes - DP is dad to all three.

What would happen if you (or DP) said something like:

’ds is really excited and wants to show you his book, can you just spend a few mins paying him some attention?’

This isn’t acceptable or fair to the youngest and should have been nipped in the bud a while back.

The older kids and your DP sound rude and you sound unrealistic and a bit passive aggressive. It’s ultimately their dad’s responsibility to build a relationship between them though.

Also tell them all to pack in talking over other people. I couldn’t listen to that, it would drive me mad especially if the 6yo is learning by example. If your DP was bored of listening to young kids he shouldn’t have had another one.

If they were siblings and all lived in the same family home all the time, I expect the elder two teenagers would behave much the same.

They really didn't ask for a split family and a sibling 10 years younger than them with whom they have little in common. So it's unfair to force it, frankly.

If their FATHER does some parenting, it may be that eventually, when they're all much older, there'll be a more friendly sibling relationship. But you can't force it & it's not fair on the elder children. "First" families have a hard enough time - their younger brother already gets 100% of their father's time ...

The issue here is your DP.

As he's in the picture he should be the one who gets the kids to mix not you as they are all his children.

If he doesn't then you need to not get involved and make up excuses to your child why his half-siblings are so fucking rude and nasty.

Btw I have older half-siblings from both my parents and neither lot treated me like this as a child. In my extended family you treat younger children, so siblings and cousins, well simply because they are likely to be the ones who will babysit your own children for you and look out for you when you are old.

My family is this exactly - two half sisters with a 9 year age gap. When the eldest was a teen she had little interest in her sister. Now as adults, they are extremely close. Time is a great leveller.

I agree with almost all your points. Their little brother gets hardly any of their Dad’s attention tho - I can see why you would make that assumption but it’s not true in this case.

Thanks @Soontobe60 that is reassuring

Thanks @Reugny i am reaching the conclusion I need to step back and leave their Dad to it and just support our son.

@MiddleParking yes I think you’re right -I shouldn’t be a bystander and let our son thinking speaking over others is ok.

Thanks @Yea2023 i think you’re right. It’s one of those situations that creep on you so I’ve been slow to pay attention.

Well that's a further problem in itself. Sounds like you have a husband problem.

This is really not ‘normal’ behaviour for 15/16 year olds. Don’t let other posters fool you. Seems like they’ve said something about disliking your DS and your DP has now taken their side.

So in this situation I would, if I were you, save your money and time. Don’t be available for caring / cooking for the older kids & do nice things with your DS (just by yourself). Your DP and DS can’t expect you to be the nice stepmum who spoils them while they treat your child like crap.

Thanks @Wenfy for the moral support.

Definitely. We had two kids in 2 years and then a gap and then another one. It has been hard for our youngest as the older two hit their teenage years. They went from being the adored baby/toddler to the annoying much younger sibling.
teenagers need the space to be a little selfish for their own development. So we’ve given it a label, “teenager” and my DH and I spend more time playing with our youngest which we didn’t do with the elder two as they had each other.

Op, it feels a little bit like you finding upsetting to watch. I totally get that as my youngest is having a friendship shift at school which is pressing all my buttons. However, I was also the sibling that was encouraged/forced to please my sibling and that’s not the route to go. I show my youngest all the photos of their siblings doting over them when they are little and tell them that’s how much love there is stored in the relationship. Siblings like parents just need to endure the teenager years and see what relationship happens when the teenagers come out the other side. We then talk about how we will all do the same for them when they become a teenager.

Well this is definitely a big issue. If your DH can’t see the issue when you discuss it then I would focus purely on what’s best for your child’s self esteem and avoid these situations where they’re treated as different tier (that’s what I’m assuming if feels like).
I read many moons ago that all a child needs is one person in their life whose face genuinely lights up when the child walks in the room. You can be that for your son without anyone else needing to up their game.

unfortunately this may impact how your view your DH and the relationship you have.

@Fatat40 you have a point there.

@DancingShinyFlamingo thank you for your kindness and wisdom. That sounds so similar.

Now as adults, they are extremely close. Time is a great leveller.

This. Don't force it. Just let them find their way to each other when the age difference isn't so extreme. It can happen!

If you force it, you risk setting up resentment. Siblings need to have their own relationships, NOT brokered or controlled by parents. And parents need to understand this.

Aah the poor wee lad. They could show a bit more tolerance and kindness but it's for your DH to get on board with encouragement

Also are you realistic about your DS? Could he be being a bit of a nuisance and you maybe not seeing it from close up?

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit that is certainly my DP’s view that our child is just too much of a nuisance. And I’ve wondered about it. But I honestly don’t think it’s the case.

@SideWonder I am very happy not to force it. But I am worried about the impact on my son’s self esteem of being ignored and patronised when we do have to spend time together. We haven’t been on holiday together for years (my other half takes the big kids backpacking in Asia and I stay home with our son and dog) so we haven’t often had to spend time together even tho we live together half the week.

But we are all going on holiday this summer for a week. I guess this thread is me trying to figure out what’s reasonable and what’s not.

Although I agree that teenagers need space I don't think there's any excuse for them to be actively rude to him and ignore him when you're all eating together.

Have you spoken to your partner about how he treats his son during mealtimes, talking over him etc? What does he say about it?