Half siblings with 9 and 10 year age gaps - seeking advice on how to support them getting on

[MumRuns77]

My 6 year old son hero worships his 15 and 17 year old half sister and half brother.

The thing is, they quite understandably have no common interests. They’re with us half the week but like most teens they have a busy social life and when they’re home, they’re usually in their rooms on Xbox or TikTok or homework.

DS used to try to tempt them to spend time with him by showing them his favourite things but they would tend to walk off after two or three minutes and lock their doors. One time he followed DSS into his room and DSS picked him up and shoved him out before slamming and locking his door. I explained to DS that they are busy and not to follow them unless invited. I said to my step kids to call me if they ever needed help disengaging with him and to ask me if they needed ideas on stuff they might be able to do with him in short bursts.

Over the last couple of years they are seeing less and less of each other and DS sometimes says how sad he is about it. When we overlap for meals, DS looks visibly stressed and desperately tries to join in with the conversation but he’s still learning about not speaking over people (and they and their Dad (my DP) all speak over him a lot to make clear his subjects aren’t interesting to them).

For various reasons we hadn’t sat down for a meal together for a few weeks but have just had Father’s Day lunch (the older kids love a Sunday roast so I treated us all to a pub lunch). DS was super excited to see them and brought some books he thought they might like (we met them at the pub as it’s their Mum’s weekend). He sat next to DSS who visibly moved his chair away and asked DS why he was sat so close. DS looked visibly hurt at the idea his brother didn’t want him near.

I know my step kids didn’t ask for a younger brother but they were so excited about him when he was a baby. I also know that teens are busy people with their own priorities. And they’re entitled to ask for personal space.

Does anyone have advice on how to make these interactions easier for DS whilst respecting the older kids’ time and needs?

DP believes that if what our son is saying isn’t interesting then we shouldn’t ‘indulge’ him as eventually he will work out how to be more interesting from the feedback. I’ve explained that I think this is unhealthy for our son’s self esteem but DP believes that worrying about children’s self esteem and other ‘modern parenting’ techniques are what has led to the ‘snowflake generation’. This is not something we have been able to agree on.

Three is such a bad number, I have a 9 year gap between my DD and SDD1 and 2
I will definitely have another child if I'm lucky enough to conceive again.
I feel having part time step siblings would be hard for the 'only child'

Fucks sake. I have a 6 year old and he talks an insane amount of nonsense. That's what 6 year olds do, doesn't mean he gets treated like shit.

I would seriously reconsider the holiday. I bet that all the activities/ meals and plans will be aimed at the older 2 and your son will just be tagging along being ignored. I'd go somewhere with him where he can have fun.

@huntersmum1 I think it is fundamentally a tricky dynamic. DP felt two would be better but unfortunately I miscarried the subsequent pregnancies and am now too old.

@NerrSnerr thanks for your empathy! I appreciate it.

Your husband sounds a nasty piece of work. I wouldn’t tolerate someone treating my child like that. Who the fuck does he think he is to deem his own child uninteresting. What a cunt

I really feel for you over this and your son. But honestly being the youngest can just suck sometimes. I was usually talked over and ignored! My siblings were loud and funny and I didn’t get my airspace.

I think you could cause real resentment if you force teens to spend time or bond with their half sibling if it’s not coming naturally.

It sounds like a difficult atmosphere. I think if their Dad isn’t making the children all be considerate of eachother then you should first try speaking to him.

I'm sorry OP, it's a shitty situation and if I can't have another one I'd be devastated.
Remember you can always take your son out of a lot of these situations, plan things with his friends and do activities without the step kids.
Soon they will fade away completely into their own lives and you son will gather friends his own age. I'm sure they will be friends when they are older

Those teenagers are extremely rude and shouldn't be allowed to get away with it . So your ds is expected to listen to their conversations but can barely speak himself ! There is a big gap between my youngest and my older 3 the elders have all left home but they make an effort with Ds when they see him . They play football with him, ask him how school is , have a bit of banter with him . You need to speak to your DH and step kids , it's unacceptable and unfair on your DS

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment. Lots for me to think about.

I’m from a big brood of kids - 6 of us. We were all born very close together but there were many parts of our individual lives where we were all doing very different things and going through our own stuff.

We’re all close now in our middle age, but we fought like anything as children. And each of us has gone through stages of not particularly liking or getting on with one or other sibling. There are still tensions but we’re grown ups and in control of our own lives in a way that teenagers are not.

It sounds as though you and your DS are not used to the rough and tumble of life with more than one child/sibling. What you describe is not out of the ordinary. But your DH needs to bite back if his DV are bullying.

But it also seems as though you rarely do stuff as a family of 5. Your DH should start to include his youngest son in backpacking etc. And perhaps you need to be less precious about your DS and his older half-siblings.

Try to get back to eating a meal together around the table. It doesn’t have to be supper - it could be breakfast. But yay is a leveller for siblings. Manners and conversation are required - from everyone.

I was usually talked over and ignored! My siblings were loud and funny and I didn’t get my airspace.

My youngest sibling would say this. And does!!! And there’s only 10 years between the 6 of us.

On the other hand, as a child she had a LOT more time with our parents than I ever did as the eldest. I was very quickly displaced by each sibling and had pretty much left home by the time my parents had a moment to spend any quality time with any of us.

It evens out.

Wtf! Why does his kids get to go backpacking in Asia and your join child and you gets left behind?!

How did you let that happen? Why didn’t he take his youngest!

TBH your partner sounds like a wanker and his kids sound rude as fuck.

I have two sons: 5 and 15. And a SD, 16. Both teenagers love the little one. Yes, there were moments when they were annoyed by the LO who wanted attention, especially my oldest. But I would repeat to him that we are a family, they are brothers and when they grow up, they can be there for each other. SD would sometimes remove him from her room after lovebombing and I would explain to her that its not a nice thing to do to a person. And then I would explain to my LO that when others can not play with him, he should find something else to do (or I would play with him myself). Try to talk to your DS and remind him of all the other people who love him like his friends, family, etc. (without saying that the siblings dont). Teach him to concentrate on himself and what he has, as its a very useful skill in life. Sometimes people just dont click, but plenty of other people who will still find us interesting.

Clearly your DP doesnt think that forging a family feeling is important and he seems to show that the LO isnt as important for him (which would be a huge problem for many mothers).

If I were you, I would not allow others to talk over the LO and get involved, saying something like: LO is talking, lets hear what he has to say. And/or : its rude to interrupt when someones talking. I dont care if they are teenagers or not. Mine are the same age and they dont do that because they know it wouldnt be allowed.

All the posters who said that its ok because thats how they or their siblings were treated just dont know any better. Their parents were ok with it, you are not and its your right.

And like the other poster said, talk about your vacation with your DP and see what he has in mind and if that works for you and your son.

Sorry, but your DP is an insensitive idiot. If theres any common sense in him, give him an example of all the emotional damage that exists in the world because of parents who didnt care (or know) about their childrens self-esteem.

Does he spend time with your son? Does he do things for him? Does he show love?

One time he followed DSS into his room and DSS picked him up and shoved him out before slamming and locking his door.

This is disgusting behaviour. Your son is being abused by his half siblings. I'd be out of there. He's 6 years old FFS!

Or you'll be on here in 10 years time writing that your son is antisocial and out of control, having picked up on "what is so-called normal behaviour in dealing with people".

Is your husband such a wet blanket that he can't parent his own teenage children?

Teenagers might need space but they also need some bloody manners and respect and to learn to show kindness to others. They sound awful and their father is allowing or enabling it. I would have a serious conversation with your husband about it and how their behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change. They are old enough to know better no matter the circumstances under which living arrangements were made.

We haven’t been on holiday together for years (my other half takes the big kids backpacking in Asia

They sound utterly spoiled and haven't picked up anything about the gracious behaviour of people in those countries.

I despair about these kinds of kids in future. Hopefully, as they mature they will catch that empathy they left behind.

Personally, I'd be taking me and my own son on a little jolly too. A beach in Spain or something. You could both do with it. Hopefully the house will be spotless on your return. If not, it may open your eyes.

It's tricky because they don't actually have anything in common, they're a half generation apart. The step DC are nearly adults while the little one isn't even in junior school.

A colleague is one of the younger ones of 10 siblings. She doesn't really know her older brothers because they left home when she was still little. Despite being siblings their childhoods were quite different. As is the case with your step DC.

There is unlikely to be a genuine topic of conversation that all can join in with equally. The older ones can make a special effort to talk to the little one about what interests him, but he's unlikely to add anything to their own conversations.

I'd definitely put a stop to others talking over him as that is just manners, And actual nastiness is unacceptable. But your DS is effectively an only child and the focus should be on making friends his own age and having fun with them.

Your DH is encouraging a really shit environment, I'm imagining he has a truckload of 'issues' himself. I would leave him and his elder two to it, get my child out of there and create a home for him where he feels safe and secure. Of course he chats shit, he's 7! It's a constant background noise at that age. I cant imagine his self esteem is very good.

This has made me so cross. I think your dp is the biggest issue though and the rude stepkids are just picking up on his awful attitude.
I have big gaps with my children, eldest 22 and youngest just turned 8 with teenagers in the middle. The youngest is absolutely doted on by all the others. They have so much time for him and take turns playing with him, reading to him, talking to him (about nonsense they surely have no interest in, just as we did/do with them). Yesterday the youngest and my 22yr old were rolling around the floor tickling and wrestling and teasing eachother. Then we went out for a walk and the 14yr old ran laps racing with him, then the 16yr old took him for ice cream with all the patience of helping him choose etc. I’m very blessed. I just love watching the bonds they all have with eachother.
Of course sometimes they just want their own space and that’s absolutely normal and fine. But they know how to deal with that/him nicely. If he’s being especially a pita then I will step in.
Was your dp like this with the older ones? You need to tell him it’s not all about him and whether he’s interested. Does he not speak to anyone who doesn’t share his interests?

I agree with the posters saying that your DP is more of a problem than the SC. Teens can be thoughtless but your DP sounds cruel.

Teenagers might need space but they also need some bloody manners and respect and to learn to show kindness to others.

This. I have three DC and now the older two are teens my youngest has found the shifting dymanics really hard.

I take care to remind the older two that although the horizons of their lives are expanding, for their younger brother they are still two of the most important people in his life and I expect them to be thoughtful and considerate of this and to make a bit of time for him, graciously, even if it's just a few minutes. Equally, I explain to the youngest that his siblings lives are changing and that they need more space and time away from the family than they used to, and that he will feel the same in a few years.

I would come down like a tonne of bricks if any of them were openly so rude to each other.

OP if it's any consolation my sister is ten years older than me and it took until I was about 14 before she had any real interest in me. Before that we just... co-existed I suppose! Now we're absolutely best friends. Similarly my nephew is 12 years younger and I couldn't stand to be around him until he was about ten (I lived with him so it was similar to a sibling relationship). I was never actively mean though! From ten I'd take him out swimming and for trips and at 18 I took him on an extended holiday which was lovely, again I'd say we are very close now. I think teenagers just don't have much interest in small kids. The relationship will develop I'm sure.

Just support your DS (and have some words with your DP!)

This whole situation is a shitshow.
Your DH takes his older kids backpacking in Asia whilst you and DS are left at home.
He thinks his 6yo deserved to be talked over because he can't be arsed to listen to what he has to say.
The older kids are allowed to be rude and disrespectful and your DH thinks this is ok.

Seriously op your son is going to have serious self esteem issues. You need to radically change your home life before long term damage is done to your son.
Tell you DH things need to change from now, and mean it, your the only one who can protect your son.

As an aside there are 10 years between my girls and the eldest has never behaved this way, it would not be tolerated, so to me it's certainly not normal.