Telling step kids about new baby

[Chunkychips23]

Hi all,

Back for advice again 😬

I’m pregnant (finally!) and all is going well and into the 2nd trimester now.

My partner has three kids from a previous relationship. For background, his two youngest have fallen foul of a mixture of parental alienation and his Disneyland Dadding biting him in the butt. The youngest SD15 will now only see him if he takes her out or buys her things or will get very clingy and baby like if she sees him paying attention to anyone else. SD17 will cut DP out of his life as soon as he disciplines him and will then appear again after a few months. Unfortunately BM does stir the pot a little telling the two youngest mistruths such as “when your Dad left me, he left you too don’t forget” (it’s been well over a decade since their divorce - DP has ALWAYS been in their lives, he didn’t do a disappearing act)

DP wants to tell the two youngest today when he drops them home that I’m pregnant. It’s going to go down like a lead balloon regardless, but I think he’s being a little cowardly doing it that way? Surely he should set aside more time so they can ask questions and process it with him, rather than “here’s some breaking news, off you go”

I’m worried it’s going to damage his relationship with them further if he doesn’t handle it correctly. No matter how they can act like brats these days, they are still children who I don’t want to see hurt. I’m worried that if they go straight back to BM, she is not going to reassure them and will use this to manipulate further.

How have others broken the news to stepchildren about a new sibling? Any tips or guidance?

Similar situation in terms of the situation you describe (although kids slightly younger) ... it definitely went down like a lead balloon and there is a lot that I think should have been done differently but one thing my husband did do that I was positive/ helpful is he told them as shortly after they arrived for his time with them. Plenty of time for processing and asking questions. They obviously told mum straight away via messaging (and we had given her a heads up) so unfortunately still some room for negative messaging but he was able to directly address all their worries (and reassure them) which I think was helpful and good for his relationship with the kids. So I think you are spot on with your concern here. Could you talk to DP about doing the same? Helps him to retain control of the narrative a little and even if it doesn't help with the 'news' - it does help preserve the foundation of his relationship with the older kids. Also congrats! Hope you are enjoying yoir pregnancy and looking forward to the next adventure! 😊

Thank you 😊

I’ve voiced my concerns, but I think he forgets that although his kids are teens, they’re still kids. They can’t be expected to deal with the news like their eldest sibling (SS21) has - he was very excited and is keen for constant baby updates. The 17yr old and 15yr old are emotionally immature for their ages generally (a lot of babying and overcompensating by both parents) so I think it needs to be handled a lot better than dropping the news and then leaving them to process it with BM, who will inevitably be giving DP a barrage of abuse tonight.

Your way of giving them more time to deal with it before being dropped off would definitely be better, but DP just wants to get it over and done with

Definitely not when he’s dropping them off. It doesn’t make sense at all, for all the reasons previously mentioned.

It's not about what is best for your dh, he needs to think about his children and do it in a way that means he is there to help them process and deal with it. At their ages this will be a big shock for them and they may well struggle initially. He needs to allow time to reassure them that a new child is in no way more important to him (and show this through his ongoing actions) and pet them know he will still be there for them and support them. They are at one of the toughest stages of their lives remember, emotions are all over the place even without a new baby in the mix.

DP wants to tell the two youngest today when he drops them home that I’m pregnant. It’s going to go down like a lead balloon regardless, but I think he’s being a little cowardly doing it that way? Surely he should set aside more time so they can ask questions and process it with him, rather than “here’s some breaking news, off you go” absolutely not. That's a terrible way to do it

Tell them on the first day of the weekend, so Saturday if they get there Friday night. Dad can take them out after for time just them. Then dad needs to text their mum as soon as he's told them and let them know he's told her.

Oh god, he can’t just tell them when he drops them off… he needs to give them chance to process the information ( which may be incredibly painful for them, especially if their relationship with their dad is already rocky).

I know people on mumsnet seem to think that children should just be happy that they’re getting a half sibling, but I’d look into family counselling if it’s financially possible (for all of your benefit, you don’t need to deal with the fallout when you’re caring for a newborn either). Teens that already feel like their dad has left them are unlikely to cope well seeing him parent a new baby full time whilst they only see him for part of the week.

DP has told them and apparently they took it very well. The youngest was very excited and SS17 was smiling.

DP felt he had no choice but to tell them now as they no longer stay overnight. SS17 doesn’t stay over because we don’t allow him to smoke weed or have his gf stay over in the same room when he’s here and his mum lets him at hers. SD15 used to stay over until more recently, but says DP is boring so will only see him when he takes her out places or takes her shopping.

The reason they were together today was due to a family gathering so DP took them home to speak with them.

They CHOOSE to barely see him. DP would have them over everyday if they wanted to come and finds it very upsetting that he has to beg them to spend time with him.

Personally I think their reactions and feelings are going to be up and down for a while, especially once the initial shock and excitement wears off. Also when BM starts stirring the pot like she does too. There will be questions and the need for reassurance and likely hostility at times.

And he thought it would be a good idea to bring another child into the mix?

So we shouldn’t have a child because his teenage kids can be difficult which has been pushed by their high conflict mother?

They haven’t always been like this with DP. BM has suddenly decided to escalate the last few months which has soured things.

DP and I have been TTC for years. I’ve been undergoing fertility testing as myself and my doctor thought I was infertile. So getting pregnant naturally was a massive surprise and very welcome and wanted at that. When we started this journey, the kids were fine. A little entitled and bratty (reasons why mentioned above), but had no issues with their father.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Glad it went well today, you sound well prepared for the ups and downs that might come but try not let that overshadow this happy time for you all. There's every chance it might help mend things with the younger kids

Congratulations from me... it is going to be a tricky road but nonetheless enjoy your fabulous hard won pregnancy and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. A child is a blessing and everyone else needs to deal with it.

Glad it went well. Glad you also realise it might be a bumpy road ahead. I wish you a healthy happy pregnancy.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!
Don't let any negativity mar your experience.

Started reading as pregnant with first and DP has 2 children with ex. I don’t find it easy with SDC and we haven’t told them yet.

Good luck parenting with a Disney dad.............

HE shouldn’t have a child when he already has 3 growing up in a broken home, all of who he has shit relationships with due to his poor parenting. You’ve admitted yourself that their poor relationships are likely to worsen with him banging out yet another child, and his children are going to get hurt. Too late now I suppose, screw his other 3 kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

So because his first marriage broke down 13yrs ago, he shouldn’t have any other children? Maybe he should stay single until his kids are in their thirties! With 50% of marriages ending in divorce, blended families are now a common part of society.

It’s not all on him, a lot of this is on his ex wife who refuses to co-parent, alienates and thinks loving a child is buying them whatever they want and reversing any discipline the father has introduced. She’s stayed single and devoted all of her time to her children…they have less respect for her than they do for her Dad. Easy to bash the fathers, isn’t it.

OP there are married women who have never been divorced but are scared of it, first wives and selfish first children who come to post disparaging and nasty comments on this board. The trick if you are the OP is to completely ignore them.

My advice is be prepared for a sh*t show.

My DH has 3 children from a previous relationship. They were SS14, SD11 and SD7. It was the oldest two who had a problem, youngest was thrilled to be a big sister.

The other two completely ignored me for months and barely spoke with DH. The youngest came a few weeks after telling her and was upset as her Mum had told her that 'not all babies are born'. She told her that she had miscarriages in the past, she was 7!!!

My advice would be expect the worse. They won't be happy for you. They may not accept the new sibling and worse of all your DP will become an even bigger Disney Dad and will pander to their every winge.

Don't let all that drama detract from the beautiful baby growing inside you.

He has 3 children, which for most people is enough, who he doesn't have a great relationship with. Does he really need more children?

Who are you to ask this question? Relationships break down. Not everyone has a rosy relationship after parents split up. Sh*t happens.

He's absolutely entitled to go on and have another relationship and more children.

Oh he is entitled @Dinoswearunderpants but it doesn't mean it's the best thing for any of the children involved

The fact that he wanted to just tell them when he had dropped them home would tell me exactly what type of father he actually is. For me that would have me questioning whether his parenting will be any different this time.

Oh I didn’t realise there was a limit on the number of children a person could have!

His children aren’t little kids anymore. The eldest is in their 20’s, ones 18 next year and the other 15. Hardly toddlers who need constant mollycoddling. The latter, bio mum has done and it’s really done the youngest no favours at all. Do they thank her for foregoing any romantic relationships? Or for buying them whatever they want? Or making them the centre of everything no matter what? Nope! Their behaviour towards her is atrocious. My DP pausing his existence wouldn’t have made an iota of a difference!

The best thing for the ‘children’ was discipline, but unfortunately that ships sailed and we’re working with what we can. They’re loved, cared for and wanted in my home. They have a room each, no one is going to be forced out by a new baby or have to share. When they can be arsed to see their father, he spends 1 on 1 time with them. That’s not going to change either. Neither will child maintenance.

I’m sorry if this post has triggered you or brought up some past trauma. I wish you well x

Thank you for sharing. Sounds like you’ve had a rough time with it. Did things get better in the end?

Im grateful my DP has finally realised he wasn’t doing himself or the kids any favours. He’s tried making changes, not sure if it’s a little too late or not :/