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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Excluded from days out

64 replies

summerdresss · 07/06/2023 13:37

DP has DD who is 10. We live together, and have been together for 4 years, DD is with us 50% of time.

There was always a push from DP for all of us to spend the time together. His DD is with us every weekend, so all weekend trips, evenings on weekdays when she is over he always wanted me being there. I pushed for them two to have 1:1 as well, but DP was never keen on it.

Most holidays we have done were with DP's DD. I found them really difficult, she would constantly say she doesn't want me to be there, she wants her parents back together, she wants to go on holiday with mum and dad, and how awesome it was when her mum and dad used to go on holiday with her. She would compare it constantly and constantly compare me to her mum.

So this year I told DP that I would want to go on holiday just with him, and I still can go with DD another time but I would want the time for us. He said that isn't possible.

Ok, I got the message. I booked annual leave without consulting it with him (we would usually try to book some time off together and then he brings DD over for extra days).

He didn't like it.

We argued a few days later. How unreasonable I am, I never think of all of us but only think about myself (getting my holidays booked when I wanted for first time this year, visiting my family sometimes on my own not always with them, going shopping on my own, going to hairdressers on my own....and so on). He then in anger told DD that summer dress won't want to go on holiday anywhere is she is to come too. That I don't like the fact that DD would be enjoying holiday and and clearly DD is an inconvenience for me.

Since then I'm not invited to join them for any trips, and if I ask if I could come, DP would say 'am I not even allowed to take DD anywhere on my own?' As if I ever expected that. His DD is of course listening to all this and God knows what is she thinking.

That's not the live I wanted 😞 it is so hard not to get basic needs met and to be the villain for actually wanting anything. So tired of this

OP posts:

candlesflamesandbrooms · 08/06/2023 15:14

Daleksatemyshed · 08/06/2023 12:57

You'd have been far better off living seperately Op, you could have enjoy your own time and seen him when it suited you. When you're dating men make an effort to see you and do something nice for the two of you, now you live together he doesn't think it matters. I'm afraid as he has a DC you will always be his second choice, he loves her and wants to see her more, it doesn't occur to him that you won't feel the same way. He's being snitty with you because he's seen that you don't always want his DC around and acctually want a bit of couple time.
I don't think you can backpedal now and go back to living seperately so either put up with what's on offer or move on. I'd move on and avoid men with DC in future

A wife and a daughter are very different roles and anyone who thinks the two are in competition each affection are really messed up imo. It's not a good idea to create spousifacation of your children.

It's not that her dp wants to see his dd, it's that fact op can't book holiday (on her own)without her dp getting "snitty"

This isn't a blended family problem and nothing to do with DSc and everything to do with dh being a controlling knob. If trauma and sadness is causing this behaviour then he needs to do the work on himself to fix it.
Not bully his dp because it's the easier option. Fml

Daleksatemyshed · 08/06/2023 15:37

I quite agree with you @candlesflamesandbrooms it's not his DD that,'s the problem, it's him. He thinks the Op should be at his beck and call.

HeckyPeck · 08/06/2023 20:47

Your partner sounds like a complete bastard. Imagine confusing and upsetting your own child to score points in an argument. He's a spiteful arsehole.

Run for the hills OP.

Manichean · 09/06/2023 17:50

Get out of there - he is a controlling cunt and very nasty with it.

Vretz · 09/06/2023 21:15

His behaviour is wrong. From the sounds of it, there's an impulsive, somewhat childish, reaction.

As with all things, he needs to hear your boundaries very clearly and respect them. If not, it's not a relationship you need to be in.

Newestname002 · 12/06/2023 01:52

@summerdresss

He then in anger told DD that summer dress won't want to go on holiday anywhere is she is to come too. That I don't like the fact that DD would be enjoying holiday and and clearly DD is an inconvenience for me.

This is despicable behaviour from him. In your shoes I would certainly be reconsidering my relationship with this person and separating from him, with a view to removing my assets (including my share of the equity, mortgage deposit etc) and making a life for yourself, completely without him in it.

Do please protect yourself financially by ensuring you have your own bank accounts (current account as well as savings accounts) to which he has no access and just pay into a joint account for payment of mortgage and bills. This man is no longer your friend.

Check the current market value of your shared home online and see what's available in your price range to buy or, initially, rent. Get your ducks in a row because the situation he has put you in isn't one you should put up with any longer. 🌹

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 15/05/2024 18:13

Mari9999 · 08/06/2023 11:56

@summerdresss
The child is not wrong for wanting her parents together; nor is she necessarily wrong for expressing those feelings. Life is teaching her a lesson that we all must learn. She us learning that life does not always permit us to have the things that we want most.

You are not wrong for wanting some alone time with your partner. You are learning that some opportunities come at a cost. Getting what you asked for is costing you a loss of some of what you previously had.

Your partner is not wrong for wanting to make the most of the limited time that he has with his child. It is quite possible that when she was conceived and born that his expectation was that he would be a daily presence in her life. Life and the Courts have taught him that in his case, his time with her would be limited. His own inability to successfully compartmentalize his life is teaching him that friction comes when you lack the interpersonal skills necessary to keep your life balanced.

None of you are wrong in your hopes and expectations, but without some compromise and ability to understand each other's needs and feelings your relationships are likely to reach an impasse.

I didn't think that your partner wants to split, but I do think that if you split, he is prepared to make you the culprit .

I know this is an old thread but I have to say this is the most balanced and well thought out comment I have ever seen on Mumsnet. Great observation.

Toastiecroissant · 15/05/2024 18:19

He has DD, I get he wants the best for her
well, he doesn’t. Otherwise he wouldn’t have told her that her step mother finds her presence to be unpleasant and an inconvenience

hed probably also have helped his dd work through her conflicting feelings about the divorce, rather than just letting her be rude.

his daughter would also be happy spending 1-1 time with him.

so we can scratch that as the reason for this reaction. Think about what else it could be.

Toastiecroissant · 15/05/2024 18:21

Oh zombie!! Sorry!

kiwiane · 15/05/2024 18:23

Don’t waste any more of your life with him.

Buyingahouse2024 · 18/05/2024 09:04

Your request for a holiday just the two of you is not unreasonable at all. You mentioned you have 50/50 so mum is clearly actively involved in her child's life too.

I'm sorry you've had to experience this but he is out of order for how he's treated you and if I were in your position I would consider if this is the life you want. I'm a step mum no kids of my own and my partner is good as gold when it comes to me and the kids. He's got the balance just right and we holiday alone as well as holidays with the kids. Before big decisions are made involving myself and the kids he'll always ask me my views on things first (without being in the kids earshot). Communication is key to make a blended family work.

I think your DSD would have in time stop mentioning mum and dad being together as she is only 10 but her dad bringing her into an adult conversation is wrong and putting it bluntly will poison her mind.

I do hope everything works out for you but from what you've put he sounds like a man child having a sulk and you deserve better than that. A lot of dads don't consider how hard it is to be a step parent when in reality if the boot was on the other foot they'd struggle big time.

Thursdaygirl · 21/05/2024 18:50

If a separated father wants a new relationship, then he has to make space in his life for that relationship

OpusGiemuJavlo · 21/05/2024 18:54

It sounds utterly miserable.

You are still young. Too young to settle for a miserable existence servicing the wants of a man who doesn't appreciate your valid needs.

Yes shutting it down will be effort, but you need to split.

Jhgdsd · 23/05/2024 16:46

I really hope the OP has dumped his nasty ass.
He is a controlling abusive twat that is prepared to hurt his child to score points off you.
NOT someone to have a child with.

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