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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Excluded from days out

64 replies

summerdresss · 07/06/2023 13:37

DP has DD who is 10. We live together, and have been together for 4 years, DD is with us 50% of time.

There was always a push from DP for all of us to spend the time together. His DD is with us every weekend, so all weekend trips, evenings on weekdays when she is over he always wanted me being there. I pushed for them two to have 1:1 as well, but DP was never keen on it.

Most holidays we have done were with DP's DD. I found them really difficult, she would constantly say she doesn't want me to be there, she wants her parents back together, she wants to go on holiday with mum and dad, and how awesome it was when her mum and dad used to go on holiday with her. She would compare it constantly and constantly compare me to her mum.

So this year I told DP that I would want to go on holiday just with him, and I still can go with DD another time but I would want the time for us. He said that isn't possible.

Ok, I got the message. I booked annual leave without consulting it with him (we would usually try to book some time off together and then he brings DD over for extra days).

He didn't like it.

We argued a few days later. How unreasonable I am, I never think of all of us but only think about myself (getting my holidays booked when I wanted for first time this year, visiting my family sometimes on my own not always with them, going shopping on my own, going to hairdressers on my own....and so on). He then in anger told DD that summer dress won't want to go on holiday anywhere is she is to come too. That I don't like the fact that DD would be enjoying holiday and and clearly DD is an inconvenience for me.

Since then I'm not invited to join them for any trips, and if I ask if I could come, DP would say 'am I not even allowed to take DD anywhere on my own?' As if I ever expected that. His DD is of course listening to all this and God knows what is she thinking.

That's not the live I wanted 😞 it is so hard not to get basic needs met and to be the villain for actually wanting anything. So tired of this

OP posts:
Alongtimelonely · 07/06/2023 15:13

You don’t need experience of blended families to see he is being absolutely horrible and unfair to you and his dd.

I think you need to end the relationship as I cannot see him becoming anything other than a manipulative a*hole. Sorry op.

firsttimemum1230 · 07/06/2023 15:13

I feel you!! Me and my partner ( we have a child and he has an older child who is 9).

he always asks for 1-1 time so I give it then he pushed it to be for a full night then a few weeks ago we had an argument which we do sometimes outside and I said something I shouldn’t of so he shouted his son outside and told him. I drove off. So now I’m banished every weekend when he’s got him with his own bloody sister it infuriates me!

i would leave if i was you no way. I’m stuck with a child in one essence but there’s no way I’d do this without. He is the one being selfish and inconsiderate and I also know what you mean i know I’d love a holiday with just him and my child but it’ll never happen just for it to be just about us!

prettypoki · 07/06/2023 15:42

Please free yourself from this man. There is no need for your life to be like this. Take that leap.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 07/06/2023 15:47

Seriously disrespectful of him OP. I would not stay.
To add context, I have a dsd too and yes holidays can be a little tense sometimes but my hubby would never call me selfish for wanting to do my own thing from time to time! That is utter madness. Also doesn't he realise that by insisting you are there constantly, he is making her hostility towards you worse?? It will wear you down OP.

caringcarer · 07/06/2023 15:48

Lkgcsr · 07/06/2023 13:44

That’s awful that he said that in front of his DD. The way he’s punishing you is completely out of order; often I think when men want the partner there all the time it’s more about them not wanting to do things with just their DC than actually wanting that person there. I’ve always done my own thing when DSD is with us as well as all together. When I got together with DH I became his partner and part of DSDs life but not a stand in parent.
Also holidays for just you as a couple are completely fine; a holiday with DSD was lovely but not the restful holiday that I needed and as someone who hadn’t chosen to be a parent was perfectly entitled to have

This. He is being a nob.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 07/06/2023 15:58

I cannot understand a man who is willing to hurt his own child telling her she is not wanted by SP just to get even with SP.

He doesn’t deserve either of you. Now, if he is excluding you of all his weekend days out what are you getting out of this relationship apart of servicing their needs? I think you have two options, leave for your own good and while you are still on time OR find some interesting stuff to do with your friends and family to give him the space he “needs” with his child.

I bet however that if he sees you are having a good time while he is having full care of the child on his own he will invite you back into his weekends even if it is just to ensure you don’t have a nice time without him.

RedRosette2023 · 07/06/2023 16:31

Annual leave is too precious to spend it doing something you know you won’t enjoy.

Who is actually benefitting from these outings? Not SD, she’s said as much. Not you, your nose is pushed out. So just your OH who is trying to please everyone but not actually pleasing anyone.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/06/2023 17:34

Your mistake was just going with the flow from the start. It's now become expected of you and you are no better thought of for it. I will repeat what I have said over and over and this is for any woman who gets with a man with kids... just because you got with a man with children does not mean they have to become the centre of your universe. YOUR needs and wants are just as important as theirs. If you are with a man who doesn't accept this then he does not deserve to be in a relationship. Fuck that.

Quitelikeit · 07/06/2023 19:25

What a vile man

is it a mortgage you have or rental

Yousee · 07/06/2023 19:29

He's s shitty father, a shitty partner and a shitty human being.
Bin. Him. Off.

gogohmm · 07/06/2023 19:34

Of course he wants to holiday with his dd, he wants to use his annual leave to be with his daughter, this is normal and a good dad (plenty of complaints here of former dp's going on holiday with new partners without their dc!) his attitude when you booked a/l for just you is over the top but you not discussing it is odd too - we plot out our allowances together including when we are taking days off separately. I think you ultimately are not compatible but you don't understand his devotion to his dc

onlythe · 07/06/2023 20:05

A good dad could spend a bit of time with his Dd without her step mum and not be be all or nothing and punishing you. You should be able to see your own family without them. I see my family without DH and kids or just with kids sometimes. We also all do things together. We do not need to be permanently joined at the hip. If you aren't going to leave him then make your own plans. Stop asking to join him with his. He turned it around and making you beg and punishing you.

TitoMojito · 07/06/2023 20:05

⭐️Dump Him⭐️

Original poster
summerdresss · 07/06/2023 20:48

gogohmm · 07/06/2023 19:34

Of course he wants to holiday with his dd, he wants to use his annual leave to be with his daughter, this is normal and a good dad (plenty of complaints here of former dp's going on holiday with new partners without their dc!) his attitude when you booked a/l for just you is over the top but you not discussing it is odd too - we plot out our allowances together including when we are taking days off separately. I think you ultimately are not compatible but you don't understand his devotion to his dc

But why should I agree my annual leave with him if he said he doesn't want to go anywhere just two of us?

We talked about it today again and it does really bother him when I'm off work and he isn't. He says he could take a day or two off and we can spend it together at home, but yeah, we won't be going away anywhere because he can't face it mentally to go away without his DD. Over 4 years we have been away together twice for 3 days each time and today he said he didn't feel good on any of the trips because his DD wasn't there and there isn't going to be any more of these trips without her. We normally organise trips, holidays, extended weekends 3-4 times a year with DD.

I mean, I get he loves his DD, but I don't think it's healthy to not be able to be separate for a few days? She isn't here every day so there are for instance 3 days in a row they won't see each other, he can cope with that. But says that going away without her for the same number of days isn't an option for a foreseeable future.

Could that be a massive dad's guilt, some sort of codependency, or am I just a fool for believing all this?

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 07/06/2023 20:54

Dear God. Run as fast as your legs will carry you. He sounds a horrible partner and a worse parent. Leave...

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 08/06/2023 00:06

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/06/2023 17:34

Your mistake was just going with the flow from the start. It's now become expected of you and you are no better thought of for it. I will repeat what I have said over and over and this is for any woman who gets with a man with kids... just because you got with a man with children does not mean they have to become the centre of your universe. YOUR needs and wants are just as important as theirs. If you are with a man who doesn't accept this then he does not deserve to be in a relationship. Fuck that.

This! 100%

I would stress the point that your needs and wants are as important as anyone else’s. The same applies if you are married to the parent of your own kids.

Whiiiissstle · 08/06/2023 07:10

Agree with @harriethoyle and @ForTheSakeOfThePenguin comments.
Just because you are with a man that has a child or children already does not mean you automatically take a back seat in what you want in the relationship or what's the point? How would anyone be happy that way?

PussyGalore1 · 08/06/2023 08:16

Sounds as if he is scared of having 100% responsibility for his DD, by having you close by , you are sharing his parental role. I would bin him off , now you know why his ex dumped him

Original poster
summerdresss · 08/06/2023 10:42

Whiiiissstle · 08/06/2023 07:10

Agree with @harriethoyle and @ForTheSakeOfThePenguin comments.
Just because you are with a man that has a child or children already does not mean you automatically take a back seat in what you want in the relationship or what's the point? How would anyone be happy that way?

Thank you. Exactly, what is the point? Im miserable and after a few years resent getting into this set up. He has DD, I get he wants the best for her but so do I. He wanted to be in relationship too and at the beginning it was all fine. Only now after a few years and since we moved in together in particular, it's all on his terms and I'm shut down every time I say it isn't fair I'm expected to give it all for nothing in return

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 08/06/2023 10:54

Leave. It’s not normal to never go away without your child. Get out while you aren’t tied to him by marriage or with a child

Bafflingpineapplecow · 08/06/2023 10:56

Oh OP. Run for the hills. This is Dad guilt mixed with the nice ego boost he gets by being super-dad and putting himself as some kind of glorified martyr. This man is never going to treat any woman right but will keep trying to get with women because he can't actually parent properly (the talking about your relationship in front of his daughter is so damn damaging for her) and wants that support from someone. He's a walking red flag and you defo deserve so much more! Pack a bag, go and stay with your family and use that time to sort out the house and finances in peace. Do it without guilt. He had it coming and he'll end up in the same spiral again and again

billy1966 · 08/06/2023 11:29

Why are you with him?

Everything on his terms.

You are sacrificing your life, years for someone who has other priorities.

If you have been silly enough to buy with him, sell the house and move on.

You are wasting your life.

Are you paying half the bills to provide his child with a home?

If you are, you are a mug.

Mari9999 · 08/06/2023 11:56

@summerdresss
The child is not wrong for wanting her parents together; nor is she necessarily wrong for expressing those feelings. Life is teaching her a lesson that we all must learn. She us learning that life does not always permit us to have the things that we want most.

You are not wrong for wanting some alone time with your partner. You are learning that some opportunities come at a cost. Getting what you asked for is costing you a loss of some of what you previously had.

Your partner is not wrong for wanting to make the most of the limited time that he has with his child. It is quite possible that when she was conceived and born that his expectation was that he would be a daily presence in her life. Life and the Courts have taught him that in his case, his time with her would be limited. His own inability to successfully compartmentalize his life is teaching him that friction comes when you lack the interpersonal skills necessary to keep your life balanced.

None of you are wrong in your hopes and expectations, but without some compromise and ability to understand each other's needs and feelings your relationships are likely to reach an impasse.

I didn't think that your partner wants to split, but I do think that if you split, he is prepared to make you the culprit .

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 08/06/2023 12:16

He is unwilling to compromise @summerdresss there is no point. It ie perfectly normal and healthy to want time away with your partner. It is not healthy to refuse to have a few days away without your child who you don't live with full time anyway. It is downright entitled to think your partner should think about your child's needs when booking their annual leave. I don't know why you have tolerated this for so long, perhaps you should unpick that.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/06/2023 12:57

You'd have been far better off living seperately Op, you could have enjoy your own time and seen him when it suited you. When you're dating men make an effort to see you and do something nice for the two of you, now you live together he doesn't think it matters. I'm afraid as he has a DC you will always be his second choice, he loves her and wants to see her more, it doesn't occur to him that you won't feel the same way. He's being snitty with you because he's seen that you don't always want his DC around and acctually want a bit of couple time.
I don't think you can backpedal now and go back to living seperately so either put up with what's on offer or move on. I'd move on and avoid men with DC in future