Babysitting - argument with DH

[Thelifeofawife]

I’m so annoyed at my DH, but questioning whether I spoke out of turn.
We had a disagreement over the weekend, he couldn’t understand why I was frustrated that I’d wanted to do something and he made no effort. I was trying to explain to him that we both have to make effort and I’m frustrated that it feels one-sided (we’ve had this discussion a few times), I gave an example that he wanted to do something this weekend which took him out of the house for a couple of hours, leaving me to look after his DD, which I didn’t mind because it should be give and take (he told me he was going out rather than asking if I minded looking after her). Anyway, we were going round in circles a bit and he made it into an argument, making out like I had an issue with him going out and me looking after his DD. I explained I had no issue, I was just using it as an example that I supported what he wanted to do and babysat his DD. He said “you don’t babysit your own kids”, I said “but she’s not mine, but I didn’t mind because that’s how it should be”…he went off on one about how I was out of order because I said she isn’t mine. I reminded him that I have been put in my place plenty of times that I’m not her mum and I get no say in anything to do with her, but I still treat her like she’s my own. He on the other hand does not treat my DC like his own.
I don’t know whether what I said was genuinely hurtful or he was just using it to try and “win” the argument, given it’s factual and I’m reminded of my place. Would others be hurt by this, in these circumstances?

[JohnNutLips]

What you said was true, I don’t think you were wrong to say it. The fact your husband doesn’t like it is the problem - seems like he changes his tune depending on what he does/does not want you to do for his kids.

[DifficultBloodyWoman]

YANBU.

He can’t have it both ways.

[excelledyourself]

What you said was completely correct.

Unfortunately the person you are trying to communicate with is a selfish hypocrite.

Stand your ground.

[aSofaNearYou]

He was totally unreasonable - however good your relationship with his DD is, and it could be lovely, she isn't yours AND he should be asking before leaving her with you.

It's even worse that he doesn't treat your DC like his own so this isn't even his general approach to blending families.

Whatever you do, don't grovel to him, his attitude is really concerning.

[FangedFrisbee]

Yanbu

[AnneLovesGilbert]

he told me he was going out rather than asking if I minded looking after her

You know that’s massively out of order. If you were both her parents it would be a courtesy to check.

I reminded him that I have been put in my place plenty of times that I’m not her mum and I get no say in anything to do with her, but I still treat her like she’s my own. He on the other hand does not treat my DC like his own.

This, on top of the fucking nerve of the first point, makes him a hypocrite and not someone I could like or respect. “Put in your place”?! The fuck?

Stop doing him favours. He’s taking the piss.

What are you and your kids getting from this set up? He’s clearly got it made and doesn’t appreciate it.

[Laurdo]

YANBU. He can't have it both ways depending on what suits him.

I've also had this conversation with my DH about assuming I'll be available to look after my DSD and thankfully he understood my point and now checks with me before making plans. I do the same with him even though she's not my DD, I do treat her like she is and I am allowed to parent, discipline her as I see fit.

Even if his DD was your biological child, surely it's just manners to run things past the other parent before swanning off to do what you like. Say you had also planned something for that day and time.

I think your DH is being very unfair expecting you to treat his child a certain way when he doesn't for your children.

[LysHastighed]

He’s just saying that because he can’t say what he thinks, which is that childcare of any child is your job because you’re a woman. Many men these days refrain from saying this with words but continue to say it with their actions.

[standardduck]

YANBU.

[Aquamarine1029]

He married you so he could have a nanny and a skivvy.

You should be running for the hills.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

YANBU. Another selfish wanker who fights tooth and nail to force his partner into passivity and servitude.

Fuck that OP.

[RobertsRadio]

@AtrociousCircumstance

YANBU. Another selfish wanker who fights tooth and nail to force his partner into passivity and servitude.

Fuck that OP.

Yep, totally this ⬆️.

[SheilaFentiman]

YANBU. And even if you were both her bio parents, each of you should say to the other “oh, I want to play tennis Saturday morning, are you alright to cover the kids?” rather than him assuming you will do what suits him without asking.

[cstaff]

I would be telling him then, when you tell him that you are going out and leave the house that he would be looking after your kids and presume the same applies in reverse.

And genuinely OP how often have you done the same to him... My guess would be never, at least not without consulting and checking with him first

[Goldbar]

@LysHastighed

He’s just saying that because he can’t say what he thinks, which is that childcare of any child is your job because you’re a woman. Many men these days refrain from saying this with words but continue to say it with their actions.

This. Woman, know your place. Which is to provide unpaid labour to men.

You see it a lot on here. "Can't you ask a random school mum to help rather than inconveniencing your husband by making him look after his own kids?"

[AnneElliott]

I agree he can't have it both ways op, but my experience op is that men very often try to!

I just have 1 DS and I'm still with his dad but he would do this when DS was younger. He had freedom to do whatever but I had to check and plan in advance. Stand your ground and refuse to be taken for a mug! Especially if you get no say in other stuff.

[MeridianB]

The fact that your post is more about you wondering if you were unreasonable, rather than the fact that he is behaving like a dickhead, is worrying in itself. It sounds like he takes you for granted.

How often is his DD there?

[Thelifeofawife]

Thanks everyone for your replies, they are reassuring.

In fairness to DH he doesn’t go out often when his DD is here, I can count on one hand the amount of times he’s done that. It was just the fact he didn’t have the courtesy to ask, I was told he was going out. And I felt frustrated that I’d wanted to do something later and he wouldn’t make the effort, I feel it should be give and take.

There are other issues around how I treat his DD verses how he treats my DC, so those who say about his attitude aren’t wrong in some respects, he expects more than he gives and we have had arguments about this.
He has started stepping up a bit more but that’s after me raising it as an issue many times (and yes I know I was stupid to stick around under those circumstances but I did and I just backed off from his DD so it was more balanced, however over time it’s stepped up again as I don’t think it’s fair on his DD, and now DH has started to step up).
My DC is older now but I have a lot of resentment about the years DH could and should have done more.

[familyissues12345]

He expects you to treat his daughter as your own, but he doesnt reciprocate with your children?

Sod that!

[SheilaFentiman]

YANBU to be annoyed if he assumed you would cover and went out, but refused your request to cover when he wanted to go out.

[Yousee]

How about everyone just treats their own kids like they are their own kids and stops this pissing about with other people's kids?
Then there would be no "I treat them like my own but only when it suits him" (so not like your own then, as your own kids are your own kids all the time) and "I scratch his back but he doesn't scratch mine" BS.

[Thelifeofawife]

@Yousee

How about everyone just treats their own kids like they are their own kids and stops this pissing about with other people's kids?
Then there would be no "I treat them like my own but only when it suits him" (so not like your own then, as your own kids are your own kids all the time) and "I scratch his back but he doesn't scratch mine" BS.

So when DSD visits I’m supposed to just treat her like a visitor and not like my own? Even though she gravitates towards me and wants my attention all the time, I’m supposed to tell her to go to her dad?

Its not about “you scratch my back”, etc it’s about the give and take and making an effort in a relationship. I did something to support him and I was asking him to do something that I wanted (it didn’t involve babysitting). That’s pretty standard in a relationship isn’t it, so that both people have their needs met?

[Yousee]

@Thelifeofawife

So when DSD visits I’m supposed to just treat her like a visitor and not like my own? Even though she gravitates towards me and wants my attention all the time, I’m supposed to tell her to go to her dad?

Its not about “you scratch my back”, etc it’s about the give and take and making an effort in a relationship. I did something to support him and I was asking him to do something that I wanted (it didn’t involve babysitting). That’s pretty standard in a relationship isn’t it, so that both people have their needs met?

There's a great big middle ground between "visitor" and "my child". Everyone is being set up for disappointment and mixed messages by going with this "like my own" standard. Even your DP doesn't want you to treat his child like she's yours. Not really. You give, he takes. His child is your child (when it suits) but your child is your child. So messy.
Help should be politely requested and given with grace or not at all.

[Thelifeofawife]

@Yousee

There's a great big middle ground between "visitor" and "my child". Everyone is being set up for disappointment and mixed messages by going with this "like my own" standard. Even your DP doesn't want you to treat his child like she's yours. Not really. You give, he takes. His child is your child (when it suits) but your child is your child. So messy.
Help should be politely requested and given with grace or not at all.

I guess it depends on the interpretation of “like my own”, as this would naturally be limited, unless the stepchild lived with you full time and the other parent wasn’t on the scene.
But I get your point

[Daleksatemyshed]

You're not being unfair at all here Op, if he wants you to acknowledge his DD as your own then it works both ways. Too many men seem to think they can go out and leave their DC with the DM/DSM as if any woman in the house is automatic childcare.