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Original poster

DP - no means if you keep asking enough I will change my mind

46 replies

Menora · 13/05/2023 18:10

I am so frustrated by this, and we just booked a holiday with SC’s so I am worrying now this is going to be even more of a problem than it is becoming!

DP has small DC’s and he will often say no to something and offer a vague explanation of ‘later on’. Today I have just spent 6 hours listening to them ask him over and over for a number of things, and him just eventually give in. Like he will say ‘no I can’t carry you I have a bad back’ then 5 mins later pick DC up anyway.

I end up walking off as I am fed up the whole day has been dominated and revolved around these petty requests (normal for kids but not to this extent). I told him I am cross that they just keep badgering him for another answer and it is the only topic of conversation - so we are out for the day and instead of all being able to chat and look at things and have fun, we are basically just talking about this thing they want. Today it was a lollipop and a toy. DP said no to lollipop now, not now, you picked at your lunch and had plenty of treats today and let’s look for toys with pocket money.

The DC then spent the next few hours interrupting all conversations to ask ‘can I have lolly now?’ I asked DC to choose between keeping the item with them, and stopping asking, or handing it to DP to keep because they needed to listen that no means no. They said they wanted to keep it and stopped asking. DP and I reiterated when they could eat it, later at X point.

I left the area for 5 mins and came back to hear a DC asking THE SAME QUESTION can I eat it now?, and DP just calmly saying ‘no’. If it was me I would have taken it off them hours ago and just put it out of sight, but it’s almost worse they still have it, because they obsessively fixate on it. I even end up saying to him OMG just let them have now so we don’t have to keep talking about this thing. It is crazy making and day ruining and I don’t know if I am just being a grumpy old cow or not? WWYD?

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EezyOozy · 13/05/2023 18:13

Do you have children of your own? I have two small children and they can be very annoying - the behaviour you describe sounds quite normal. Like many parents I often give in for an easy life. Not sure there is much you can do.

Irritateandunreasonable · 13/05/2023 18:14

My kids do this and it drives me fucking mental 🤣.

It’s just annoying, children can be relentless.

Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 13/05/2023 18:14

This is all normal behaviour for a child under secondary school age. I agree it can get intense though.

Reugny · 13/05/2023 18:16

Irritateandunreasonable · 13/05/2023 18:14

My kids do this and it drives me fucking mental 🤣.

It’s just annoying, children can be relentless.

This.

My DD is 4 I change the subject every damn time but it still doesn't work. Though to be fair I was aware of it due to looking after my nephews and nieces who are now young adults and taking them out to things.

Marigoldilock · 13/05/2023 18:16

I've 3 kids and 'no means no' is very important to me. They push it and do ask a few times but when I say 'no means no!' They do tend to stop.

Lovingitallnow · 13/05/2023 18:16

to be fair if my dc had a lolly pop in their hand we wouldn't hear the end of it until it was eaten. If it was stashed in our bag we'd probably only hear about it every 20 mins or so.

Original poster
Menora · 13/05/2023 18:20

EezyOozy · 13/05/2023 18:13

Do you have children of your own? I have two small children and they can be very annoying - the behaviour you describe sounds quite normal. Like many parents I often give in for an easy life. Not sure there is much you can do.

Yes I do. But I would say stop asking now and be firm that it’s not ok to keep on. I would also probably remove it from their sight to take their focus off it. They can’t be having a good fun day if they are obsessively pining over a bloody lollipop. They can’t behave like this at school and have to learn they can’t always have what they want when they want it. Especially in this case like when they already had plenty of treats

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Original poster
Menora · 13/05/2023 18:20

Lovingitallnow · 13/05/2023 18:16

to be fair if my dc had a lolly pop in their hand we wouldn't hear the end of it until it was eaten. If it was stashed in our bag we'd probably only hear about it every 20 mins or so.

Yes! It’s that they still have it that is causing it to be worse.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 13/05/2023 18:22

How old are they op?

Velvian · 13/05/2023 18:22

Also, your problem is that no doesn't mean no, as DP gives in eventually.

I recommend saying yes straight away more, if it doesn't really matter and if you say no, you stick to it. You only have to go through a few times of repeatedly being asked and not giving before they learn that the no won't change and there is no point.

Also, small DC can't walk very far usually. Take a pushchair, or if they're too big for that, pull them along on scooters.

Pre school children require a lot of active input. They sound like normal kids to me.

Original poster
Menora · 13/05/2023 18:23

He also regularly buys loads of sweets for the car so the instant the DC’s get in they say ‘can I have sweets’, he says ‘no later’ and if you are driving any type of distance I literally end up considering throwing them all onto the motorway.

i understand the DC I don’t understand DP. He is the problem 😭

OP posts:
Velvian · 13/05/2023 18:24

Just let them eat the lollipop, then you can all move on with your lives.

Original poster
Menora · 13/05/2023 18:26

Velvian · 13/05/2023 18:24

Just let them eat the lollipop, then you can all move on with your lives.

I would favour this option as well, but he kept saying no so I was asking him to just take it away in that case

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Original poster
Menora · 13/05/2023 18:30

They are school years 2 and 4.
I need to talk to him about this type of thing on holiday. I can’t escape as easily from this type of lollipop interrogation torture on holiday. The moment he buys something, anything and they know it exists they will start on him for it.

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TheSnowyOwl · 13/05/2023 18:32

What you describe isn’t unusual although you sound as though it’s not how you do things so it surprises you.

You either need to accept and live with his parenting choices and decisions or leave and move on.

Original poster
Menora · 13/05/2023 18:37

It does not surprise me it’s just awful for everyone else around, not just me, DP’s friends and family also get driven bonkers by it.
We all end up trying to distract them from this thing and DP is just there, bloody oblivious to the torment
I have kids and nieces and nephews and none of them are quite this ‘can I have’
I can’t change it I know, I just perhaps need to walk away and not let it drive me insane

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FinallyHere · 13/05/2023 18:38

listening to them ask him over and over for a number of things, and him just eventually give in.

We have one of these in the extended family. I cope by silently counting the seconds between the first 'no' and the child having exactly what they asked for.

The families where the DC are demonstrated that no means no, supported by a little strategic distraction make for much more pleasant company. I get that it's no fun for the parents to be consistent but I really do think that they eventually reap the benefits.

Rtmhwales · 13/05/2023 18:42

TheSnowyOwl · 13/05/2023 18:32

What you describe isn’t unusual although you sound as though it’s not how you do things so it surprises you.

You either need to accept and live with his parenting choices and decisions or leave and move on.

Why though? DH and I each have children and we don't just "accept or leave" if we disagree about parenting. We discuss our approaches and strategies and adjust if needed. We both live in the house and spend time with these children. We chose to have a relationship with each other and the children and we value each other and their opinions and stressors so we discuss and adapt.

As it stands we have a happy blended family 4 years in and we have ended up having a fairly unanimous approach to parenting. It's taken some adjustment to get here but it's likely it would've taken some adjustment had we only had kids together, too.

Original poster
Menora · 13/05/2023 18:51

I’ve been with him for 4 years so this is getting worse tbh, as they get older or I start to think this is understandable in a smaller 3 or 4yo but not in a 9yo.

I have called him out and said they don’t listen to you because you will always give in, he got all offended by it but he will eventually snap and end up yelling and I am annoyed as this could have been nipped in the bud a while back when it began. It’s just ineffective parenting at times

I know that they will have eaten those lollipops when I left to go to the shops, and I’m now fucked off he tortured me with them all day when he was going to give in before he said they could have them.

OP posts:
tara66 · 13/05/2023 18:54

I do not understand. Why are sweets, lollies or whatever given to the children and then they are told they cannot eat them until a future time? Not even a given time say at 3.00pm - it is some future vague time. Very odd. Of course they will be asking ''Can I eat it now?''. Also you say you will have a lot of sweets in car when driving and children know that and probably can see them etc but they are not allowed to have them and you want to throw them out of car rather than give any to them? Do not buy any sweets or lollies to torment your step children - better for their teeth anyway and dentists are really hard to find.

ArcticSkewer · 13/05/2023 18:54

Buy a really good set of ear defenders

Original poster
Menora · 13/05/2023 18:55

tara66 · 13/05/2023 18:54

I do not understand. Why are sweets, lollies or whatever given to the children and then they are told they cannot eat them until a future time? Not even a given time say at 3.00pm - it is some future vague time. Very odd. Of course they will be asking ''Can I eat it now?''. Also you say you will have a lot of sweets in car when driving and children know that and probably can see them etc but they are not allowed to have them and you want to throw them out of car rather than give any to them? Do not buy any sweets or lollies to torment your step children - better for their teeth anyway and dentists are really hard to find.

We met friends and a friend gave them a lollipop. If it was me, my kids, I would have either just let them eat it or put it into my pocket for later and said go have fun and they would have forgotten for a while. But his Dc have been holding these lollipops for hours. And I am as tormented by them as they are

OP posts:
Original poster
Menora · 13/05/2023 18:58

tara66 · 13/05/2023 18:54

I do not understand. Why are sweets, lollies or whatever given to the children and then they are told they cannot eat them until a future time? Not even a given time say at 3.00pm - it is some future vague time. Very odd. Of course they will be asking ''Can I eat it now?''. Also you say you will have a lot of sweets in car when driving and children know that and probably can see them etc but they are not allowed to have them and you want to throw them out of car rather than give any to them? Do not buy any sweets or lollies to torment your step children - better for their teeth anyway and dentists are really hard to find.

DP will go into a shop with kids and buy a load of sweets. Then give them like 3 of the sweets. So the rest of the sweets are in the centre console burning a hole in our brains until they are all gone (by the torture nagging) then he goes and gets more. So morning noon and night when you get into the car the kids instantly think SWEETS!

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TeenDivided · 13/05/2023 18:58

Don't let them know about anything that they aren't going to be given now.

I agree with others 'later' is too vague. Much better to be 'when we have walked around the lake and got to the picnic spot' or 'When we stop to refuel'

Geppili · 13/05/2023 21:29

They want more and keep asking because their world has been rocked by losing their original family and having a new family foisted on them. They are trying to control the situation, because they have no control over the big things in their lives. Also they will sense that it drives you mad!